Chapter Twenty
Saving Grace
"Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time."
- Sara Paddison
Rory sat in the heavy wooden chair, flannel pajama bottoms creating friction against the heavy brocade seat cushion. She scooted forward, and glanced upwards as the maid placed her fruit salad and omelet in front of her. "Thank you," Rory murmured, and the maid exited the room silently.
Rory dug into her food half-heartedly, wishing that she had asked the maid to bring her some cereal and coffee instead. God, don't I sound like a bitch, she thought. She glanced the end of the table, irrationally terrified that Emily had heard her thoughts. A dull ache spread through her chest when she saw the empty chairs. The empty chair directly across the table caused even more pain.
Rory had stayed at the Gilmore house sporadically while she was organizing Emily's belongings, or when she visited Richard late at night in the hospital. After the vicious argument with her mother, Rory had taken up permanent residence in her bedroom at the Gilmore house. After the meeting with Doctor Ortez the day before, Rory had cloistered herself inside the house. She was wallowing without realizing it; she ran her fingertips over the antique furniture, memorized the portraits on the walls, and smelled Emily's collection of perfumes and lotions.
To put it simply, she was saying goodbye to Emily.
Rory left the table, her breakfast only half finished. "Thank you for breakfast," she called into the kitchen. The maid smiled and scurried into the dining room to remove the plates. Rory walked slowly up the stairs, entered into her bedroom and opened her closet. She dressed in a pair of dark jeans, black ballet flats, and a simple black wrap sweater. Without bothering to apply makeup, Rory grabbed a coat and her purse. She walked down the stairs much more quickly this time, and left the house without giving the maid a chance to open the door for her.
Rory got into her car and sped out of the driveway, then out of the neighborhood, way over the speed limit. No doubt the neighbors have already called the Homeowner's Association, she thought wryly.
Rory drove in silence until she pulled onto Tristan's street. "What the hell am I doing?" Rory exclaimed. She smacked the side of the steering wheel, and then corrected it as the car swerved sideways. "I wouldn't blame him if he never spoke to me again! Ugh!"
Rory took a deep breath. Before she had a chance to panic any more, she had arrived at Tristan's apartment building. She parked directly in front, taking up two spots without even noticing. She got out of the car and stepped onto the cracked sidewalk. She walked to the building entrance, but paused with her hand on the handle. "Do I look okay?" She asked the ever-present group at the entrance.
They looked at her dubiously, and finally one spoke up. "You look fine, lady."
"Thanks." Rory said, acting as if this was an everyday occurence. She squared her shoulders and marched into the building, footsteps falling firmly on each step of the three flights. Without pausing, she walked straight to Apartment 3B. A firm, almost too-loud knock, and then- not Tristan.
"Oh. Jason, hi, I wasn't expecting you. Is Tristan here?" Rory questioned with a bright smile on her face.
A stony glare, and no response. "I'm Rory?" Rory offered, subconsciously offering it as a question.
"I remember you. But I don't think he wants to see you." Jason said.
"Well, why don't you let him make that decision when he sees me?" Rory said patiently.
Jason rolled his eyes. "You aren't getting it. He's already made the decision, okay? He told me not to let you in."
Rory bit her lip. "Oh. Okay. Um, okay, I guess that's to be expected, huh?" She said with a half-sob, half-laugh.
"Yeah, it is." Jason said angrily. "You were a total bitch to him, and you know it."
"Yes, I do know it! That's why I'm here!" Rory exclaimed, a sudden anger consuming her.
"Sorry." Jason shrugged, this time with a pitying look. Before Rory had the chance to respond, the door shut firmly in her face, and Rory heard the audible click as the lock and deadbolt were both locked.
She stood there in shock, then took a step backwards, leaning gratefully against the dirty wall behind her. She stood there for a moment, collecting her thoughts and courage. She took another step backwards, and knocked again.
No answer.
She knocked again, louder, and faster. The door was yanked open, and this time, it was Tristan that opened the door. His face was still, eyes weary. "What?" He asked. "I'm kind of busy. I need to study."
"Okay, that's fine." Rory said amicably. "This won't take long."
Tristan glanced behind him, then stepped out into the hallway, pulling the door shut behind him. "Rory, can't you just leave it?"
"No, I can't. I'm sorry, you know I am-" Rory started.
"Actually, I don't know! God, Rory, you just don't get it!" Tristan exclaimed, hands running through his hair agitatedly.
"What don't I get, Tristan? I get that I hurt you and you're angry! What else is there?" Rory yelled.
Tristan's hand dropped to his sides, and he too took a step back, until he was leaning against the opposite wall. He said nothing, just stared at her.
Rory stared back, waiting for a response to her question. Tristan took a sudden step forward, and before Rory could do anything, his hands were gently framing her face, and his mouth was pressed lightly over hers, just once before he pulled away.
It was barely a kiss, and for a moment Rory wondered if she had just imagined it. But he was still there, forehead leaning against hers, hands still framing her face. "What don't you get?" he questioned, voice low and intense. "You don't get that you manipulated me, and if there is anything I can't deal with, it's being manipulated. You don't get that I'm crazy in love with you, and I've been waiting all this time until you were ready. "
"I am so sorry." Rory whispered. "I didn't realize I was manipulating you." At this, Tristan scoffed and pulled away, falling back onto the wall with a thud.
"That's crap, Rory, and you know it. You knew what you were doing." he muttered.
Rory stared at the ground. "Yeah. You're right. I did. I guess, I just didn't realize that it would hurt you."
"Well, you did. And I'm not the type to hold onto this kind of thing forever, you know that. Because God knows if I was, I wouldn't be out here talking to you."
Rory's head lifted, and she peered into his eyes. "Really?"
Tristan nodded in assent. "Rory, I'm not mad at you. I just don't want to be strung along."
She nodded. "Okay."
He smiled, and she smiled back. Rory turned and took a step towards the stairwell, but before she reached it, she turned back around. "Tristan? Thanks for waiting."
Another smile curves his lips. "You're welcome. But Rory, I can't wait too much longer, you know." He ended his smile with a wink.
"Yeah, I know." Rory grinned. She turned towards the stairwell and left, knowing that even if her relationship with Tristan wasn't perfect, good, or even normal, she could still make things right- with time.
She remembered a conversation that she had with Lorelai many years ago. Logically, she shouldn't remember a conversation from her sophomore year of high school, but Lorelai's words still echoed in Rory's mind.
My point is that it's scary to be in love, that much I know, but it's also wonderful and special and if you can't say it, or fully express it, then you're never gonna be able to experience it, and I want you to experience everything that's great, because you're so great. Are you hearing me?
Rory whispered to the empty car, "I hear you, Mom."
I'm not saying you say "I love you" at the drop of a hat. It has to be right and real and it has to take a lot of thought. But someday with someone it will be right. I want you to be ready for that moment when it happens.
Rory wasn't ready. Not yet. But she would be.
AN: Well folks, we're getting close. I have the rest of the story written, I'm just deciding now whether to do an epilogue or not. If I decide not to do an epilogue, there will be 2 more chapters. This chapter was a little bit of a fakeout because it wasn't really a true reconciliation. Yes, Tristan's forgiven her, Rory's seen the error of her ways and apologized, but thinks still aren't right between them. Remember, they aren't going to suddenly have wild sex against the wall. Up until this point, they've only been friends- granted, they have chemistry, but Rory has been so wrapped up in her own life that she barely noticed. Tristan made the first move, but left everything in the open. Rory's interested, but she's isn't going to do anything about it until she's moving on with her life.
I was always particularly struck by the conversation Lorelai had with Rory so long ago about love- and I think it's really interesting that in that context, Lorelai was warning Rory not to make the same mistakes that she has regarding love. Rory started to this time around with Tristan, and even though her mom isn't speaking to her, Lorelai's words are still there guiding her along. Also, they're making the same mistake in pushing each other away with the Richard situation. (And I think I take the award for longest authors' notes ever! Man! Sorry!)
Thanks to: Jeremy Shane, angelscovegirl, Curley-Q, lovestoact, sailorcyanide, LoVe23, Sleeping to Dream about You, and Loridhhp. LaurenGrahamFan (I can promise Rory isn't going to get in an accident, and yes, Rory will find out about the accident- just not from Lorelai!)
You guys are so great! I hope you enjoyed this update, and thanks in advance for reading and reviewing! The next chapter will probably be up tomorrow.