Chapter 20: Temporary Dream

"So, did you go to see Kirei?" Rin asked Shira from the kitchen as the latter sat down at the dining room table.

"Yes," Shira answered, brief and to the point. She mumbled a thanks as Rin handed her a glass of hot tea.

"Well, let's not get too chatty or anything," the black-haired girl said dryly, taking a seat.

"There's nothing to talk about," Shira told her. "It's not like it was a really useful meeting or anything." She took a sip of tea, relishing the heat after being out in the cold for the last hour.

"You know, I'm surprised," Rin said, changing the subject. "I've always thought that Saber was the most powerful Servant that could be summoned, but he's actually just the Servant with the most issues."

Shira took another, deliberately slow sip. "I don't know." She stared at her drink, frowning. "Maybe it would've been better for Saber if he'd never become a Servant."

As much as the thought of never having known Saber distressed her, Shira could see how it would have been beneficial if he hadn't become a Servant. If Saber had never sought a way to change things, it would have meant that he'd had no regrets about his life, which could only be a good thing.

"Huh; interesting," Rin commented, staring at the redhead. "Maybe you and Archer could've gotten along. She said the very same thing."

"Did she, now?" Shira asked, wrinkling her nose at the thought of having anything in common with the cynical woman.

"Yes." Rin nodded. "Archer said that she regretted becoming a Servant, and she didn't want the same thing to happen to Saber. I think she must have had some kind of connection to him during their human lives."

"Maybe she was in love with him," Shira joked, but only halfheartedly; she found herself remembering the strangely sad look in Archer's eyes as she'd gazed at Saber that night at Ilya's castle and quickly sobered. "Seriously, though, if they did know each other, don't you think Saber would've recognized Archer?"

Rin shrugged. "Well, Saber was a king. He can't be expected to remember every one of his subjects." She then went on to another topic. "So, Shira, what are you doing to do next? Have you given it any thought?"

"Actually, I have," Shira replied. She had toyed with this idea over and over in her head as she walked home. It was probably one of the craziest ideas she'd ever had, and she wasn't certain it'd be something Saber would readily agree to, but it would surely take their minds off the Grail War for at least a few hours.

"I plan to go on a date with Saber."

Shira expected Rin to laugh at what she'd said, or maybe scoff and tell her what a stupid idea it was. What she hadn't expected was for Rin to give an almost triumphant smirk.

"Well, it's about time," the older girl said. "The sexual tension between you two was getting on my nerves."

"Sexual tension?" Shira repeated, her eyes widening and her face suddenly flushing. "What are you talking about?"

Rin ignored her, her smirk broadening. "I was starting to think I'd have to lock you and Saber in a closet before you'd make a move on him."

Shira's face grew even hotter. "Really, Tohsaka, you make it sound like I want to seduce him." A date with Saber was one thing, but sleeping with him? He'd certainly never agree to that, and she didn't think she was ready to have sex anyway.

"Hey, he's already seen you without clothes, so it should be easy to—"

"Shut up, will you?" Shira snapped, getting to her feet and hurrying to the door. "I'm going to bed."

"Shira, wait!" Rin exclaimed before she could leave the room. "I was just kidding!"

The redhead rolled her eyes as she went back to her seat, the heat in her face subsiding. "Well, excuse me for thinking it wasn't funny."

By now, Rin's smirk had faded. "Honestly, I like both you guys, so good luck on the date."

Amazing how she can go from making fun of me to being serious at the drop of a hat, Shira mused. Out loud, she said, "Uh, thanks. I hope things work out, too."

Shira went to bed that night with her mind full of thoughts of what she and Saber could do on their date. Unfortunately, even after about an hour of thinking before drifting off to sleep, she hadn't been able to come up with any real plan for how they would spend the day; the fact that she had never been on a date in her life doubtlessly contributed to that. And of course, there was the issue of whether or not Saber would be willing to go out with her. Assuming he agreed to a date, would it be because he loved her, too...or would he just go along with it simply because she was his Master?

The next morning, Shira woke up groggily, slowly sitting up in her futon and rubbing her sleep-filled eyes. She tried to remember the dream she'd had. It had been a good one, surprisingly enough; Saber had been in it, as usual, but he had looked happier than she'd ever seen him. Shira frowned, trying to remember why her Servant had been so happy in the dream. There had been a field or a meadow of some sort, she knew that...and had there been someone else? She couldn't recall; trying to remember the dream was getting harder the more awake she became.

Well, I guess it can't be too important if I've already forgotten most of it, Shira thought, deciding to put the dream aside for now. She could worry about that later; right now, she had to worry about Saber's reaction once she informed him about wanting to go on a date.

She got dressed in her usual shirt and skirt (she didn't own any clothes that were especially formal, so she had to make do with hoping her normal attire didn't have too many wrinkles), then went to the bathroom to freshen up, taking care to wash her face and brush her teeth and hair to perfection. If she was going to go out with Saber today, she might as well make sure she at least looked decent.

It was only after breakfast had been eaten that Shira finally broached the topic to her Servant.

"A date?" Saber frowned slightly as he and Shira sat facing each other at the dining room table, Rin watching from the other side. "What does that term mean? I'm sorry, but I still don't understand all these modern acronyms."

"A date isn't an acronym," Shira said patiently. "It's when a guy and a girl go out and spend some time together."

This seemed to only confuse Saber. "But we already spend our time together."

"Most of it is spent on the War, though," Shira pointed out. "I was just thinking that we could take a break from everything and have some time for ourselves."

Saber paused, his brow furrowing a little in thought. "So, a date would be a social event?"

Shira nodded. "Yes, it would."

"And you want me to partake in this with you?"

"Well...yes?" She hated how unsure she sounded, but was willing to blame it on nerves. What if Saber says no...?

The blond paused again. "I believe I understand the meaning of your words, but not the intent behind them. What is motivating you to do this, Shira?"

The redhead's throat went dry. She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it just as quickly. The answer to the question was perfectly simple, and yet, it didn't seem right to bluntly tell Saber that she loved him.

At last, Rin huffed impatiently, drawing both Shira and Saber's attention. "Well, since it looks like Shira's terrible at explaining things, I guess it's up to me." She stood up, looking at the knight. "Listen, Saber, a date is a romantic rendezvous between two people who like each other."

"Tohsaka!" Shira glared at her, but the effect was ruined by the heat creeping to her cheeks.

Even so, Saber finally understood what his Master was asking, and his face was surely turning red as well. From what Rin had just said, a date was essentially a modern courting ritual. Shira...wants to court me? His heart involuntarily skipped a few beats at the thought—but no; no, he must have heard wrong. As Shira said, she wanted a break from all the fighting, that was all there was to it.

At least, that was what Saber told himself.

Presently, Shira turned back to him, her blush fading slightly.

"Um, so...yeah," she said a bit awkwardly. "There's not supposed to be any battles during the day, so it'll be safe for us to go into town or something. I mean, if you want to, that is," she added hurriedly.

"I...suppose there would be no harm in it," Saber answered hesitantly. "But I can't see any benefit for you in doing this. As you mentioned earlier, it has nothing to do with the Grail War."

"That's the whole idea," Shira told him, relieved that he seemed willing. "We don't have to spend every moment of every day fighting, you know."

Saber pressed his lips together, trying to ignore his still erratic heartbeat. "Very well, Shira," he said, his voice surprisingly steady to his ears. "If you are going into town today, then as your Servant, I cannot allow you to be by yourself."

I am only accompanying her to protect her, Saber thought. And she merely wants a respite, nothing more. Nothing more.

Shira's face briefly fell at the apparent fact that Saber was looking at their date with a businesslike eye. He pretended not to notice.

Less than half an hour later, Shira and Saber were entering a city bus and going to the back to sit down. Aside from the driver, there were only a few other passengers, so it wasn't as noisy as a bus would normally be. Shira didn't know whether to feel unnerved by the silence or not.

Soon enough, the bus was moving, and since no discussion topics were coming to Shira's mind, she allowed herself to gaze at Saber, who was staring out the window. The morning sun bathed him in its light, illuminating him as brightly as it had the first time she had seen him in the dojo. Shira's heart pounded against her ribcage as she realized once again just how beautiful Saber was—how his hair looked like it was spun from pure gold, how his blue-green eyes shone like turquoise, and how his skin was as pale and clear as porcelain.

But it wasn't just her Servant's good looks that she'd taken notice of. A faint reflection of Saber could be seen in the window, so Shira could see that his eyes were widened slightly in almost childlike wonder as he watched the rapidly passing scenery. She couldn't say she was surprised by his evident fascination; in his time, the fastest mode of transportation would have been a horse or maybe a carriage, and neither of them could compare with the speed of a modern vehicle.

Come to think of it, Shira thought suddenly, Saber has never really seen Fuyuki City, has he? Sure, they'd walked around town while trying to track down Shinji and Rider, but both of them had been far too focused on their objective to do something as normal as taking in their surroundings. Today, however, was supposed to be a date, a day where they could be free from their worries and simply have fun in each other's company. As such, Shira would show Saber the sights of the city; she would take him places that he never had the chance to see. She hoped that, just for this one day, he would forget his role as a Servant.

The first place Shira and Saber ended up visiting once they reached town was the aquarium. They rode on an escalator, watching many sea creatures swim above and around them in large tanks. Shira sneaked a glance at Saber to see his reaction. Although he was taking care to keep his face blank, he could not completely disguise his awe.

"This is so unnatural," Saber said in a hushed voice. "These fish used to have the freedom to swim wherever they wished, and now they can only swim in these elaborate cages."

Shira was beginning to wonder if going to the aquarium had been a good idea. She was about to ask if Saber wanted to leave, but he continued speaking, his tone laced with warmth.

"And yet, it's so compelling. I cannot stop looking no matter what I do."

"It is beautiful, isn't it?" Shira agreed with a smile. The aquarium was dimly lit, giving the fish tanks a blue, unearthly glow. "I guess this would be your first time seeing fish this close?"

"Yes," Saber answered. "Life under the sea was not a priority of mine during my reign. For me, the ocean only brought invaders that needed to be defeated."

After leaving the aquarium, the next couple of hours were spent at the movie theater. The only movie that hadn't been sold out was a high fantasy film. Shira found her mind wandering as she and Saber sat in the dark theater while the movie played. Her impression of what they were watching was that it was mediocre at best and ridiculously cheesy at worst, and she could only imagine the thoughts going through Saber's head.

Shira tore her eyes away from the movie screen to see a couple sitting a few rows in front of where she and Saber were. The redhead took note of how the guy had his arm draped over the girl's shoulders and glanced at Saber's hand, which was laying on the armrest of his chair. Shira quickly decided that putting an arm around him was probably too forward, but holding hands wouldn't be so bad, right?

She lifted her hand to place it on Saber's, but his hand moved before Shira could touch it. When she looked up, she saw that both of Saber's hands were raised in front of his face and curled into fists. He started mimicking the onscreen swordplay, a criticizing expression darkening his features. If it weren't for the rule about no talking in a movie theater, Shira was sure that Saber would be voicing everything he found wrong with the battle scene.

And her hand was still in midair, completely unnoticed. She quickly set it back down, feeling rather awkward.

It was mid-afternoon by the time Shira and Saber decided to have lunch. The restaurant they wound up in was Western-styled and incredibly fancy. The table they got was large enough to seat six people, with a linen tablecloth covering it and a single red rose placed at the left end.

"I almost never eat in restaurants like this," Shira admitted after her and Saber's drinks arrived. "The food might be really good, but it's almost like you're not allowed to eat it the 'wrong' way, you know? It's like if you eat too fast or too loud, everyone stares at you like you're some kind of barbarian."

A small, amused smile came to Saber's face, and Shira felt her heart give a thrill. "Such etiquette in extravagant settings can be quite rigid," he said. "I find the atmosphere during mealtimes at your house is much more relaxed."

More like chaotic, I'd say, Shira thought wryly.

Saber took a long sip of his drink. "This tea is very delicious. You should have ordered it, Shira; I think you would like it."

Shira fought against the urge to chuckle. Of course he'd think English tea is the best; talk about national pride.

"Well, it certainly smells nice," she said out loud. "If you want, I can buy that instead of getting instant teabags."

"No, don't." Saber shook his head. "The teabags you use have the advantage of being inexpensive and easy to prepare."

He took another sip of tea, and Shira fell silent, enjoying this less tense side of her Servant.

They ended up taking a walk through town after lunch, Shira giving an impromptu tour as they went. Saber generally stayed quiet, only nodding on occasion and allowing the redhead to talk about the places they passed. The sun was about to set by the time the pair found themselves at the Fuyuki Bridge.

Saber suddenly stopped walking, his breath hitching in his throat as he stared out at the river. Shira stopped as well, and she saw that he was looking at the floating debris that remained from an old ship.

"Supposedly, that ship sank a long time ago," Shira said. "I'm not sure why, though."

"I do," Saber told her, sounding melancholy. "I was forced into a battle on the water and I had to use my Noble Phantasm to win. However, the ship was caught in the blast."

Shira spared the knight a quick, astonished glance. "Seriously? You were the one who sunk it?"

Saber nodded. "But by a stroke of luck," he added quickly, "there was no one onboard. Granted, I could have checked to make sure beforehand, but by the time I took notice of the ship, Excalibur's power had already been unleashed."

A moment of silence passed, and Shira pursed her lips in thought.

"Please try not to get too angry over this," Saber said, misinterpreting her expression. "I regret it as well."

"I'm not mad," she assured him. "I was just thinking that there's more evidence of the last Grail War than I thought. I'm actually kind of surprised that no one's tried to do something like get the ship out of the river or rebuild the burned down suburb. It seems like the reasonable thing to do."

The only response Shira got from Saber was a noncommittal hum. Another moment of silence passed as the pair watched the sun slowly go down in the west. At last, Shira turned to Saber and asked the question that had lingered in the back of her mind ever since the date began.

"Did you have fun today, Saber?"

"I did," the blond answered, his voice sincere. "I must confess that I have never done anything quite like this before, so it was a very refreshing experience."

"Really? Not even with—" Shira suddenly cut herself off, realizing that her next question was considered taboo in the dating world. After only a few seconds of thought, she decided to ask it anyway. "Not even with your wife?"

"You mean Guinevere?" Saber's mouth set into a thin line, his expression unreadable. "No; not even with her. The first time we met was on our wedding day, so there was no courting period."

"Oh." Shira paused, hesitating. "Did you love her?"

"Love had nothing to do with our marriage," Saber replied tonelessly. "In my time, royalty and nobility used marriage as a political tool. I was arranged to marry Guinevere to secure an alliance with her father. We may not have loved each other the way a husband and wife ought to, but we knew our duty."

"Well, it seems to me Guinevere didn't care that much about duty," Shira remarked sourly, "since she cheated on you with Lancelot."

Saber's voice became quieter. "In truth, I never blamed her for the affair. She was unhappy being married to someone who could not give her what she wanted." His smile was bitter. "Just another failure of mine."

The more Saber spoke, the more Shira's annoyance rose. Why did he always do this? Blame himself for other peoples' actions?

"I swear, you have the biggest guilt complex ever," Shira said before she could stop herself.

"Excuse me?" Saber's eyes were now narrowed as he looked at her.

"You're doing the same thing you did when I found out about Morgan: you're talking as if what happened was your fault when it wasn't."

"How could I not be the one to blame?"

"You're not a clairvoyant," Shira pointed out, her frustration leaking into her voice. "How were you supposed to know how things turned out? You can't hold yourself responsible for events that you had no control over."

"A king must always be in control of any situation," Saber snapped, "and I lost that control the night Morgan used me as her plaything. My country fell because I was too weak to fight off a sorceress, and obtaining the Holy Grail is the only thing I can do to set things right."

"Damn it, Saber!" Shira exploded, the second half of the last sentence her Servant spoke hitting her particularly hard. "Are you that desperate for the Holy Grail? How can you be so sure that everything will be better if someone else becomes king? It might turn out exactly the same, or it might even be worse!"

"That's impossible," Saber insisted.

Shira continued as if he hadn't said anything. "You keep saying that you want to redo the past, but you refuse to think about the future. Saber, don't use the Grail to try to please fair-weather people. You have the chance to live for yourself, so do it. If you wanted to, you could have a life here." Her voice lowered to almost a whisper. "You could be happy here."

She was bursting to say that he could be happy with her. If there was any time for her to reveal her feelings for him, now would be it. But the words seemed somehow stuck in her throat, and all she could do was wait for Saber's response.

The wait wasn't a long one.

"Shira, when we formed our contract, I swore to obey you as your Servant, nothing more." Saber's voice had become cold. "I have a duty I must fulfill no matter what. From the moment I drew forth Caliburn from its stone, my only wish was to carry out my oath as the King."

"So instead of accepting that sometimes bad things happen, you want a do-over?" Shira demanded acidly. "That sounds a lot like running away from your problems to me."

Saber glared at her. "You believe you are any better? Tell me, Shira, just how many nights have you relived that fire? Your father's death?"

How dare he! "Last time I checked, we were talking about you."

"And I suggest you take a long look in a mirror. How can you want me to think of myself when you are completely incapable of doing the same?"

"I'm not the one trying to erase myself from history!"

"No, you're merely a hapless child who does not value her own life."

Shira grinded her teeth, unable to formulate a comeback.

"If you want to," Saber said coolly, "we can easily break our contract. I will gladly defeat the remaining Servants and win the Holy Grail without you."

"What?!" the redhead exclaimed, finally finding her voice. "You'd actually do that?"

"Of course." The stoniness of the knight's expression was worse than any smirk. "My only objective is the Grail. Everything else is superfluous. You are no different in that regard."

Shira's eyes were suddenly burning, but now wasn't the time to show weakness.

"Why are you so stubborn?!" she yelled furiously. "You want to win that badly, fine—go fight them yourself!"

And with that, Shira turned around and ran, blinking rapidly and forcing down any sobs that wanted to escape.

The only sound that filled Shira's ears was her feet slapping the stone pavement as she ran all the way home. Good; maybe if she ran hard enough, all of the emotions whirling inside her would be burned out.

She burst into the Emiya estate, hurried to her room, and flung herself onto her futon, grasping her pillow with both hands as if it were a lifeline. Her breath came out in pants, her mind filled with nothing but the argument she had with Saber on the bridge. She was frustrated that he refused to even consider anything she told him. She was hurt that he had pretty much said everything that wasn't the Grail—including her—was unnecessary.

But most of all, she was angry—not with Saber, but with herself. She could urge him to find happiness for himself until she was blue in the face, and she would get nowhere. The one person she wanted to save from the bottom of her heart, and she could do nothing to save him, nothing at all.

And yet, Shira knew she couldn't give up, couldn't bring herself to let Saber go. He was the man she had fought with, bled with, fallen in love with. How could she let him leave so easily, just let him disappear from her life as though he had never existed?

Oh, Saber, she thought, I can't get rid of you even if I wanted to.

She must have dozed off at some point, because the next thing Shira knew, her door was opening, revealing Rin standing in the hallway.

"Do you know where Saber is?" Rin asked without any preamble.

"Hello to you, too, Tohsaka," Shira said sarcastically as she sat up. "And try the dojo if you want to find Saber."

Rin frowned at the redhead's curt tone, but made no comment on it. "He's not in the dojo. I can't find him anywhere."

"You can't?" Dread coiled in Shira's stomach as all irritability was forgotten. "Are you saying he didn't come home?"

She sprang to her feet, ignoring Rin calling out her name as she took off running again. She rushed out of the estate and onto the streets, hurrying in the direction of the Fuyuki Bridge and desperately hoping Saber was still there.

Please don't tell me he's actually gone to fight the other Servants on his own, Shira thought as she was forced to temporarily stop at a street corner to catch her breath. Saber just said that in the heat of the argument; he couldn't have been serious, he couldn't.

When she finally reached the bridge, she could have fainted with relief. There Saber was, still standing in the same spot, clutching the railing and staring out into the night. As Shira got closer, she could see that he did not look angry anymore, just morose. Her heart sank at the fact that she was the cause of it.

"You're gonna catch a cold at this rate," Shira commented as she walked over to Saber.

"Shira." The blond turned towards her, his voice soft.

"Tohsaka was looking for you. She got pretty worried when you didn't come home." Shira paused. "I was worried, too."

"My apologies, but you had no reason to worry." Saber shifted his gaze to his feet. "I wanted to leave, but I did not know where to go. You told me to do whatever I wished, so I thought I would. But now that I have that freedom, I have no idea what I want to do." He shook his head, sighing. "So I stayed, unable to decide where I should go."

"What do you mean, you don't know where to go?" Shira cut in, causing Saber to look at her again, startled. "You already have a place where you belong—my house."

Saber stayed quiet for a moment. "I feared that perhaps you would not want to see me so soon after our..."

His voice trailed off, but Shira got the message loud and clear: he hadn't wanted another round of their fight. She stepped closer to him, taking his arm.

"Let's go home," she said. "Servant or not, you can't stay out here all night. I'll make us some soup or something when we get back."

Was that a blush she saw on Saber's face? "Shira..."

"For the record, I still stand by what I said. Make your complaints now if you want to."

But Saber said nothing as they began the walk back to the estate. As they left the bridge and made their way through the empty city park, Shira took note that she had yet to let go of Saber. She had no real desire to do that, though; walking side by side with him, holding him by the arm...at this moment, it felt like they were a normal couple.

"Just where do you think you're going?"

And then the relatively peaceful moment was mercilessly shattered.

Shira and Saber both tensed at the sound of that unpleasantly familiar voice and slowly turned around, the former dropping her hand from the latter's arm. Several feet away, silhouetted by the light coming from the streetlamps, was the blond-haired man from two nights ago; although he was in civilian clothes instead of his golden armor, there was no mistaking him. He slowly stepped forward, his red eyes gleaming cruelly.

Saber instinctively pushed Shira behind him as though to shield her, and he met the eighth Servant's sneer with a glare.

Author's Note: Have you ever listened to Kelly Clarkson's "Beautiful Disaster"? I think it sums up Shira's thoughts on Saber during this chapter quite nicely.

In summary, Shira and Rin indulge in Wild Mass Guessing about Archer, Rin trolls Shira and displays her Shipper on Deck-ness in the same breath, Shira has an awesome dream that she can't remember, Saber is journeying so far up De Nial that it's really not funny, Shira and Saber go on their first official date and get into what's probably their worst lovers' quarrel yet, and Gilgamesh drops in—yay.