Chapter 20

A large lump coiled in her dry mouth as she stared at the words on the pregnancy test: Not Pregnant. Her heart was racing a million miles per hour. Part of her wanted to cry, but the other part felt relieved. She hadn't had her hopes up, but she knew that Brian did. Of course, she had been too dumb to hide the tests; she had not been expecting guests that morning. Now, because of her stupidity, Brian and Fin were both in her kitchen awaiting the results of the test. It was bad enough that she'd have to tell Brian that she'd gotten his hopes up for nothing. She didn't want Fin's reaction. He didn't even know they'd been trying. No one did, and that's how she wanted to keep it. If she were to get pregnant, then that would be her and Brian's surprise.

Surely the delayed period was just a result of stress. She'd anticipated that all along. Though, she hadn't been stressed three days ago when her period was due. In fact, she'd been in a state of bliss. Olivia couldn't remember the last time she'd been that happy. Could happiness affect her period, too?

Or, a dreaded thought throbbed inside her brain. What if it's the beginning of menopause? She hadn't been experiencing any other symptoms, though, like hot flashes or cold sweats. Surely if she were entering menopause, she'd anticipate some other menopausal symptoms. She glanced at the other pregnancy test that she'd purchased. Olivia was aware that false negatives were far more common than false positives. It's not a false negative, Olivia told herself. She'd read the instructions and followed the instructions exactly. She set the other pregnancy test on the counter and decided that if she didn't get her period by the end of the week, she would take the second test. Until then, she'd just try to relax and wait. It would come, it always did.

She'd never wanted her period to come so badly before. Because if it doesn't come, then I'll never have a child of my own, she thought, shuddering at the thought that she could be entering menopause at the age of forty-four. She knew she was at the age that many women began entering that stage of their life. She'd become aware of her biological clock's ticking as she approached her late thirties and early forties. Now, here she was in her mid-forties, and she may have waited too long. Just when she'd finally decided to settle down, it may be too late.

"Maybe it's not meant to be," she whispered to herself. Here she stood, composed of the genes of a drunk and a rapist. If one believed in nature over nurture, then her child was certainly doomed.

"And look how great you turned out," Elliot had told her once when she'd made the statement about being half-rapist and half-drunk to him.

Then there was Brian. Olivia knew that he was no saint. He was a dedicated detective like herself. His mother was a sweetheart, and his father was dead. She didn't know much about his father and he'd never volunteered much information. Besides, what if personalities could skip a generation? She'd heard of twins skipping generations.

When Olivia was in her twenties, she'd pleaded with God to never allow her to bear a child into this world. Despite her question of his existence, maybe he had granted her young self's wish.

Her heart ached, thinking about all the children she'd helped throughout the years. The closer she'd become to the child victims, the more she'd longed for a child of her own.

She stared at herself in the mirror. Wrinkles had begun to form under her eyelids. Her age was showing. She wasn't young anymore. Her thirties were since past, and her forties were getting away from her. She'd spent so much time dedicating her life to her job, that she hadn't taken the time to slow down and realize her life was half over. SVU had sucked the life out of her. She loved her job; that's why she married it.

A tear rolled down her cheek.

"Liv?" she heard Brian's voice from outside the bathroom. "I don't know how long pregnancy tests take, but you're taking quite a while and Fin says it shouldn't take this long. Is everything all right in there?"

She took a deep breath and wiped away the tear.

"Yeah, fine," she called to Brian.

"Are the results back?"

She turned around and opened the door to face Brian.

"Yes," she whispered, and she watched his face fill with wonder and anticipation.

"Well?" he asked with eyes wide open. She closed her eyes, trying to hold back tears. "Are you okay, Liv?" She couldn't hold the tears back any longer as they started to gush from her eyes. She handed him the pregnancy test so Brian could read it for himself, preventing her from having to say the words out loud. He scooped her into his arms. "It's okay, sweetie. We'll keep trying. There's always next month, right?"

Or is there? Olivia wondered, not wanting to say her fear to Brian. She hated to crush his hopes and dreams of being a father.

"Yeah," she murmured. "Fin still out here?"

"He is," Brian responded softly.

Olivia released herself from his grip and wiped her tears away.

"Well," she said. "He wants to talk to me, so I should go talk to him…any idea if he has any good news regarding Elizabeth's case?"

"He told me he wanted to talk to you privately," Brian said. "Not sure what he has to tell you that he can't say in front of me, but hey, Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"Promise me you won't tell him that I told you about them having reason to believe that Elizabeth's killer is connected to one of Elliot's previous cases, okay?"

"I won't," she whispered and quickly added, "Promise."

He gently rubbed her back. "Everything's going to be okay, Liv." He kissed her forehead.

"I wish I could believe you," she murmured quietly and departed for the kitchen. Brian followed her. She turned to Brian when they were outside the bedroom door, neglecting to realize they were within Fin's hearing zone. "Thought you said Fin wanted to talk to me alone."

"I do," Fin called, answering for Brian.

"Yeah, but I don't understand why. I mean, we're bros, right, Fin?"

"We shared a partner, so of course we're bros, Cassidy. This business is between Olivia and me, though," Fin told Brian, then turned to Olivia. "How about we go on a walk, Liv? You look like you could use some fresh air."

"Yeah, sure," she said. "Let me grab my coat." Though, she didn't know the temperature outside. She just anticipated it was cool outside based on the night before, and the fact Fin was wearing a jacket. Olivia knew that she needed more than a coat to cover her rugged appearance. At that exact moment, she could care less. She had too much on her mind to worry about her appearance.

When she and Fin had left her apartment, leaving Brian behind, Fin stated, "You sure have a nosey boyfriend. I swear; that dude has a question for everything. Should've been there yesterday when he was interrogating John and me…he didn't seem to understand that there's only so much we can tell him. Seems to think just 'cause he was SVU once, he's subject to all inside information. Don't get me wrong, I like him and all…"

Olivia wasn't surprised. She decided now was the time to tell Fin about her engaged. She held out her left hand and showed Fin the ring on her ring finger. Fin quickly grabbed her hand and observed the ring for himself.

"You're engaged to Brian?"

She nodded, not saying a word.

"That was…fast. I don't see you as the type to rush into a commitment like this. Are you sure about this, Liv?" When she didn't say anything, Fin continued, "You never told me the results…Liv…?"

"It was negative," she said quietly, neglecting to make eye contact with Fin.

"You two were trying, weren't you?" Fin asked. She didn't know how he knew.

"I'm not getting any younger," Olivia whispered. "Fin, this could be my last chance…" If it's not too late already, that is, she told herself quietly.

"I get that, Liv; but that doesn't mean you need to rush into a relationship with a man you barely know. Do you love Brian? I know John trusts him, so I'll respect him. But I don't want you to get hurt, Liv. You're like a sister to me, you know?"

Olivia didn't know how to respond. After Elliot left, Fin had stepped up and taken many of Elliot's roles. They'd grown closer than they'd been before. She and Fin had worked cases in the past. She'd helped him replenish his relationship with his son, but she didn't open up to Fin. The only person she'd poured her heart to in the past was Elliot, then he left her. And now he was gone forever.

"I know I'm not Elliot, and I'll never be him…"

"Fin, don't," Olivia begged. "I-I'm not ready to talk about it. If that's what you came to talk to me about, you're wasting your time…"

"I'm not here to talk to you about Elliot, Olivia. I'm sorry for bringing him up…I know how much pain you're going through. If you need someone to talk to, I do want you to know I'm here."

"I know, Fin. Thanks." She looked down at her feet as she walked, and watched her feet meet the sidewalk as they began walking around the city block. The sun had fully risen. She saw a crowd of men and women clasping to their children's hands. It must be a bus stop. Olivia observed the little boys and girls, and her heart throbbed, longing to hold her own child's hand as she sent him or her off to school.

"You would make a great mom, Olivia," Fin said quietly.

"No, I wouldn't," Olivia murmured. "I'm stupid to try for a kid. Isn't it obvious that I'm not supposed to be a mother?"

"Liv, that's not true. Why do you think that?"

"Why do you think I think that?"

"Seriously, don't pull the whole I'm the daughter of a rapist and a drunk line again, Liv, because you know that's not who you are. You're an amazing detective and children love you, and that's who you are. You've overcome your childhood. You're stronger than you know."

"Am I?" she whispered, looking toward him. "Look at me. I look like crap, you said it yourself. I'm falling apart. I'm glad I'm not pregnant, because I'm in no condition to bring a child into this world."

"You know I didn't mean it like that, baby girl." He reached his arm out and patted her shoulder. "I knew this was going to be hard on you, and I didn't expect you to take it easy. None of us did. That's why I told Brian to take you home last night and I'd talk to you later. I wait longer, but this really can't wait…"

"What is it, Fin?" she asked. "Tell me, what couldn't I handle last night?"

"I know you don't want to talk about Elliot right now, but I need you to recall a case for me. John remembers the case because he worked it with Elliot, but he's gone senile on the details. We were hoping you'll remember more."

"Well, if Munch worked the case with Stabler, I doubt I'll remember many of the details, but I can try. El and I did talk about our cases frequently together, even the ones we didn't work together," she said, remembering the seemingly endless conversations she and Elliot had shared over coffee or sometimes drinks. They never seemed to run out of things to talk about. There was always a case.

"Does the name Max Matazarro ring a bell?"

"Should it?" she inquired. The name sounded familiar, but over the course of fourteen years, she'd dealt with so many cases. It was difficult to pinpoint a name to one specific case.

"Amanda and I visited Maureen right after Kathleen was at the station. She told us that Lizzie had recently begun dating a guy named Max Matazarro. The name sounded familiar to me, but I didn't know from where. Looked it up in our system, and low and behold, he was just released from the state penitentiary three months ago after being sentenced four years for manslaughter. Ring a bell?"

Her eyes widened and she whispered, "The pregnancy pack from about four years ago." She remembered the case too clearly. An image flashed in her head.

"You have kids? You're pretty old." Fidelia had asked her.

"I'm here to talk about you," Olivia had responded firmly.

"I bet you're jealous. Old chicks are totally jealous of me. Is that it? Did you wait too long? Tick-tock…" The teenager mocked Olivia's biological clock.

That was four years ago. Olivia was forty, approaching forty-one, at the time. After her fortieth birthday, she herself had become more conscious and aware of her biological clock. Just after she turned forty, she'd applied for adoption and had been declined. She was single and worked long workdays and weeks. There was no telling when she'd have a day off, because she was constantly on call. How could they expect her to be a good mother? Then, just a few weeks after she was declined eligibility to adopt, she worked a case with Elliot where sperm had been stolen from a sperm bank. Elliot had brought up her biological clock, and it had pissed her off royally. That was the first case that had caused her to confess her long for a child to Elliot.

"I'll support you no matter what you do," he had told her, though she'd taken for granted his support at the time. She'd snapped at him and had told him to shut up.

She'd do anything to go back and react differently. Why'd she have to snap at him?

It was all over now, and there was no going back.

"Liv?" Fin tapped her shoulder. She'd spaced out. "Earth to Liv."

"Huh?"

"You there?"

"Yeah…I remember the case. Lizzie was dating this guy? You've picked him up, right?"

"That's the thing. We went to the address he gave his parole officer, a small apartment in the Bronx, and we found an empty apartment. We visited his parents, and they told us that they disowned him when he was locked up, gave him enough money to get an apartment and get on his feet and told them they never wanted to hear from him. Guess they don't want a murderer for a son. That is, assumin' they're not lying to us."

"Great, just great," Olivia murmured. "I'm assuming Lizzie didn't know about his sentence? It just doesn't make sense. This kid murdered his girlfriend because she had sex with another man and got pregnant by him. Far as I know, the kid was a virgin. That doesn't constitute murdering and raping Lizzie…"

"You know as well as I know that the state penitentiary changes people, Liv. He might have been raped there himself, and since Stabler was the arresting officer, he wanted take his vendetta out on him, so he stalked his family and found the closest prey, Lizzie. She was two years younger than him."

"Did you search his apartment? Is there any evidence to support this theory?"

"The apartment was bear, and no computer left behind."

"We've got to find this kid."

"We will, Liv. But guess who else is AWOL?"

"Huh?"

"You haven't spoken to your partner recently, have you?"

"Not since I last left the station, why?"

"No one has been able to get ahold of Nick since we received word of Elliot. He left right after the call came in. 1PP and IAB have been all over the station; they've interviewed Amanda, John, and me; and they're asking where he is. I've called him, but he's not answering his phone. I've been thinkin' about making a trip to his place. He's not helping you by disappearing, Liv."

"He probably wants to make me look bad," Olivia mumbled, placing her hands on her hips. They'd made a full round around the block and were coming close to her apartment building.

"Why would he want to do that?"

"Ever since I've started going out with Cassidy, Nick's had a personal vendetta against me, it seems. Face it, he hates Brian."

"That doesn't give him any right to take it out on you, though," Fin noted.

"I know. He's being childish, but he's young. What can I expect? Reminds me of Cassidy when he was a rookie. Sometimes I wonder how Nick is a second grade detective with his actions. Solve one narcotics case and now you're promoted to second grade? What happened to working for your rank?"

"I know you didn't like Nick when he first joined SVU, but you two were making a good couple there for a while…"

"Couple? Oh, please, Fin. Don't use that word to describe my partnership."

"I mean to say, you were…and still are…good partners."

"I have tolerated him, he'll never be…" she stopped herself, though Fin seemed to read her mind.

"I know, Liv. You really loved him, didn't you?" She didn't reply, knowing that 'him' was Elliot. "You know, you were like an old married couple when you two were partners." He smiled, trying to lighten the mood.

"I know," she murmured. "And I'll never have that connection with anyone else."

She stood at the steps that led to her apartment and tried to hold back the tears she felt. Fin wrapped his arm around her and whispered, "I know. Do you love Brian?"

"Yes," she whispered in Fin's ear, trying to make sure that Fin was the only one who heard what she was about to say. "But not in the same way. I'll never love anyone the way I loved him." Fin was the first person, other than Elliot himself before his death, that she'd confirmed her feelings for Elliot Stabler.

She entered her apartment, followed by Fin, to find Ed Tucker from Internal Affairs talking to Brian.

Author's Note: Let me know your thoughts! Is Liv's biological clock up? Or, was it a false negative? Or, is it just the stress delaying her period? Was it Max who killed Lizzie? Where is he now, and will the detectives track him down before he can do more damage? Where's Nick disappeared to, and why has he gone AWOL? What's Mike Tucker want with Olivia? Episodes I referenced, by the way, are "Babes" (Season 10x6) and "Inconceivable" (Season 9x14).

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