The Return Part 2: Favorite Son - Chapter 20

John heard Rodney before he actually saw him. Sitting on the edge of the infirmary bed, he listened to the scientist's voice drifting down the corridor.

"I'm coming, I'm coming. I know I'm late but it's really not my fault." Rodney rounded the corner, huffing and puffing as he hurried across the room. "Radek pulled me in with some inane question that led to whole debate, knowing I was supposed to meet you here. So, are you ready to go, we need to get out of here."

John grinned and shook his head, his mind trying to process the fast talk. "Calm down, McKay, where's the fire? Carson hasn't dismissed me yet anyway."

Rodney glanced nervously around the room and then looked at his watch. "Well, where is the sheep herder? We need to get you out of here. You were supposed to be released already."

"Rodney, calm down. You're walking me back to my quarters, which is totally unnecessary by the way, not escorting me to the ball. Why does it matter what time we get out of here? I get to lie around and read or watch DVDs for the next week. I'm not in a hurry."

Rodney looked flustered for a minute, making John wonder what was going on with him. He was about to ask just that when they spotted Carson rushing across the room. "Okay, Colonel, your last scan looks good, so you're free to go." He turned to Rodney and gave a curt nod. "Hello, Rodney."

"Well, it's about time, Carson. We're on a schedule here, you know."

John frowned at the knowing glances the two men were giving each other. "Guys . . . what's going on?"

Carson turned back to John. "You're free to go Colonel. Just take it easy, as we discussed earlier, and let me know if the headaches get any worse or any more frequent. Barring any new problems, I'll see you in a week."

Rodney nodded enthusiastically and grabbed John's good arm, his other still in a sling. "Okay, Sheppard, come on. We need to move."

John sighed, noticing the two men had ignored his question. "Rodney, I'm in scrubs. Let me change first."

"No, no, no, your clothes are in your room. It's not like you're in a gown or something. Scrubs are fine. Now come on."

John slid off the bed, pulling his arm away from Rodney's grasp. "I'm coming. But you're telling me what's going on here, one way or another." He barely kept up as he followed Rodney out of the infirmary and down the hall. He wanted to yell at the man and demand answers to his questions, but it took all his breath to hurry down the hall and not get left behind. By the time they reached his quarters, John was pretty sure he would have to sit down to keep from collapsing. He stopped in the doorway.

"Quit standing in the door and get in here. You need to get changed so we can go."

John took a few slow steps into the room, never taking his eyes off the bed. His dress uniform was laid out, looking as if it had been recently cleaned and pressed. John's face tightened into a scowl. "I want to know what's going on and I want to know now." He stared at Rodney, his expression firm as he tried to keep from panting in exhaustion.

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Fine, the Ancients want to do some kind of thingy to honor you."

John narrowed his gaze, his unease rising. "Why?" he drawled.

"You know, for leading the raid that retrieved Atlantis and then for saving all our lives on that planet, when the outpost blew up."

John frowned and shook his head, still not understanding. "Taking back Atlantis was a team effort between us and them. And I didn't do anything special on that planet. If anything, Teyla and Savill did all the work getting you guys out safely, not me."

Rodney laughed and shook his head. "Oh, no, no, no, my friend. You don't know, but you staying behind in the chair to try and stop the overload ended up buying us enough time to get out. Dolon and I went over the information we got on our computers before all hell broke loose and that whole place should have gone up in less than half the time it took. Whatever you did delayed the explosion long enough for the rest of us to make it out."

John dropped into the chair he was standing next to, his mouth open. "I didn't know. I just wanted to stop it if I could, save the outpost and hopefully all of along with it."

"Yeah, well, you saved all our lives and almost killed yourself in the process. I think Helia was impressed, and I get the distinct feeling it takes a lot to impress her. Anyway, we're going to be late if you don't get a move on." Rodney picked up John's pants and handed them to him. "Change."

John took them and slowly got to his feet. He looked at Rodney expectantly for a few moments before speaking. "Well, turn around."

Rodney rolled his eyes again and turned around. "You know, you're kind of shy for a military guy. I thought you guys lived in giant barracks and changed in front of twenty people all the time."

"I'm not shy. There's a difference between being shy and not being an exhibitionist. Just because I had to change clothes with an audience for a lot of years doesn't mean I enjoyed it. Besides, I haven't had to do that in a while. We have a little more privacy here in Atlantis."

"Unless you're in the infirmary, and then you have no privacy."

John bit his lower lip for a second. "True. But I'm not in the infirmary any more and I don't plan on going back any time soon."

Rodney chuckled. "Yeah, good luck with that."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence. Uh, Rodney, I could use some help." John had managed to change into his pants, but he couldn't seem to get the sling unhooked so he could change his shirt. Rodney sighed and began helping him remove the sling. Several minutes and a few groans later, John was dressed in his uniform. He put on his hat and faced Rodney nervously. "Well?"

Rodney put his right hand under his chin, propping his elbow on his crossed arm. "Not bad I guess," he said noncommittally. Dropping his arms, he waved at John. "Come on, we're still going to be late."

John followed Rodney out the door, wishing he was climbing into his bed instead. He hated being the center of attention, unless it was telling a good joke or something equally inane. He was embarrassed at the prospect of people honoring him because he didn't feel like he'd done anything special. If they wanted to do something special for someone, they should be honoring Elizabeth, Rodney, Savill, or Teyla, anyone but him. The knot that had been building in his stomach grew and tightened and he suddenly felt like he was going to hurl right there in the hallway.

John looked up to see Rodney almost to the next turn. He knew he needed to speed up to catch the physicist, but he was almost out of steam. The fast trip back to his quarters had taken a lot out of him and now he was running on fumes. He felt weak and he hated that more than almost anything. He stopped and leaned against the wall, his legs shaking a bit as he gasped for air. His head was beginning to pound and he still felt like he might puke. Maybe he could have Rodney tell them he wasn't up to this.

"Sheppard, are you all right?"

John looked up into Rodney's worried face. "Catching . . . my breath. Maybe . . . this isn't . . . such a good idea."

"Nonsense, just take a minute. I should have realized and slowed down. Sorry about that."

Okay, Rodney was being nice to him. Now he was really scared. "Rodney, I really . . . don't feel . . . so good. Maybe . . . you could just . . . tell them for me."

Rodney's eyes widened. "Oh, no, you aren't weaseling out of this, mister. This is a big deal and they've gone to a lot of trouble and you're going."

John winced and frowned, his stomach flipping in a very uncomfortable way. "Not helping."

Rodney slapped himself in the forehead with a gasp. "That's it. I can't believe I didn't figure it out earlier. You're afraid."

John scowled. "Am not," he barked.

Rodney smiled smugly and gave a short nod. "Yes, you are. Colonel Sacrifice-myself-for-everyone-else is afraid of a little awards ceremony."

John pushed himself away from the wall, anger pushing aside a little of the fear. "I have no idea what you're talking about, McKay. Are we going or not?" He took a deep breath and tried to calm his stomach and shaking limbs as he began walking unsteadily down the hall. He thought he heard Rodney snort behind him.

When they arrived in the control room a few minutes later, the fear came back with compounded interest. He stopped so suddenly that Rodney almost ran into this back. The control room was lined with Ancients dressed in what appeared to be their formal uniform.

"Move forward," came Rodney's whispered voice from behind him. "You can do this. It's a lot less painful than getting blown up, I promise."

John might have laughed if he hadn't been almost paralyzed with fear. He concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other, moving toward where Helia, Savill, and Elizabeth stood waiting for him. He almost faltered when he saw Jack O'Neill standing beside Elizabeth. What was he doing here? As he got closer to them, the view of the gateroom below opened up and he saw even more Ancients standing at attention. Now would be a good time for an earthquake or maybe a Wraith attack. He glanced back, looking for Rodney, just in time to see the man take up a position beside a bored Ronon and a smiling Teyla. Rodney gave him a big thumbs up, making John groan inwardly.

Turning back around, he took a deep calming breath. Rodney was right. He could do this. Elizabeth smiled proudly and even General O'Neill wore a happy smirk on his face. Savill gave him a slight nod as he stopped before Helia and stood at attention. Helia turned toward one of the techs and nodded, prompting the man to dial up the gate. John wanted to ask what was going on and what was he supposed to do, but his mouth was too dry to speak. As the wormhole was established, the screen came on to reveal General Landry on the other end. The woman at the controls informed the General they were ready to begin. John glanced around wondering where that Wraith attack was when you needed it.

"Lt. Colonel John Sheppard of the United States Air Force of the planet Earth." Helia's strong voice startled John and he flinched slightly, earning him a bemused look from Elizabeth and General O'Neill.

"You have proven yourself loyal and true, not only to your own people, but also to the city of Atlantis and our people as well. You have been willing to sacrifice yourself to save others and to preserve our home. Twice your actions have been above and beyond what can reasonably be expected, even to the point of serious injury to you. Your efforts have been witnessed by many and cannot be questioned. In order to show our appreciation, especially in light of the fact that you are not even of our people, we bestow upon you our greatest honor, the award of the star cluster."

John stood at full attention, almost unable to breathe, as Helia turned and took the silver cluster of five stars from the box held by Savill. She stepped forward and pinned them to John's uniform and then briskly stepped back. John glanced at Savill to see a small, approving smile on his face. That somehow made him feel better and a tiny bit of tension flowed away, allowing him to breathe. His gaze fell and he saw the same silver cluster of stars on Savill's formal uniform. Lifting his eyes to meet Savill's, the Ancient gave him an almost imperceptible nod.

"Lt. Colonel Sheppard." General O'Neill's voice drew John's attention back to the ceremony at hand and he looked at the officer, who had stepped forward a few inches. "The President wanted me to convey his congratulations on receiving this honor and tell you that you have represented our planet and our country well. He also wanted me to thank the Ancients for allowing us to work with them in the city. We got off to a little bit of a rough start, but he hopes this means we can continue to work together for a long time." O'Neill had turned to face Helia, but now turned back to John with a smile. "Basically, good job, kid."

"Thank you, sir." John saluted O'Neill, who returned the action and then stepped back into the line of people.

Helia turned to the screen behind them. "General Landry, did you have anything to say?"

Landry nodded. "Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Sheppard, I'm glad I was wrong about you. You're doing a good job out there, son. You can expect our full support with anything you need."

John nodded. "Thank you, sir," he managed to croak out before saluting. He hoped they were almost done, because between the stage fright and the increase in activity over what he'd been used to lately, his legs were beginning to tremble.

Helia turned back to face John and locked eyes with him. "When you first arrived, I was suspicious of you and your friends and your motives for helping us. I suspected you were out to take Atlantis for yourselves, but you have proven your honor and loyalty many times over. You and your team are granted the designation of true citizens of Atlantis, which means you have all the rights afforded any of my people. If relations between us and Earth falter, you will not be sent back unless you choose to go. And Colonel Sheppard, you are hereby granted honorary status as an officer in our forces. You are not compelled to serve in our forces, but you may choose to serve with us when the need arises. Savill can give you more information later."

John nodded, concentrating on breathing evenly and keeping on his feet. He didn't think collapsing into a puddle would look very manly or heroic. He wasn't sure if he was supposed to speak or not, but he felt stupid just standing there. "Thank you. We will do our best to live up to your expectations."

He guessed it was all right to talk because Helia just gave a small nod and seemed pleased with his response. "I know that you will. We are happy to share Atlantis with people who love and respect her as we do. Now, let us celebrate our newest citizens. This assembly is dismissed."

John raised his hand in a salute to the group before him and was surprised when Savill mimicked his moves, returning the salute with a grin. Voices erupted all around him as the formal air dissolved and casual conversation and laughter ensued. John's head was swimming and his legs were genuinely quaking now as he searched the area for a chair. A strong hand gripped his good arm and he looked up to see Carson hanging onto him.

"Lad, you look like you're going to pass out. You're white as a sheet."

John felt a bead of sweat run down the side of his face, ticking his skin. "Just a little shaky right now. See any chairs?"

Savill arrived with a chair from one of the offices and set it down behind John. Carson helped him ease down into it and then kneeled beside him. "I told them they needed to give you a few days more, but they were anxious to do this. Tell me how you're feeling."

John took a deep breath, relaxing into the chair, his entire body trembling. His vision had darkened, especially around the edges, and there was a loud buzzing in his ears, masking the words flowing around him. For a few seconds he thought he was going to pass out after all, and then his head slowly began to clear. He became aware of a hand on his uninjured shoulder, holding him upright. Blinking, he brought the room back into focus just about the time the buzzing faded away.

" . . . think he was ready for this. You should probably have them send a gurney."

"No." John lifted his drooping head and sat back against the chair. "I'm okay, I don't need a gurney."

Carson looked back at John, frowning slightly. Elizabeth and Helia stood behind him looking worried, along with O'Neill. Rodney, Teyla, and Savill stood on his other side, also watching him closely. Looking down at the hand on his shoulder, he realized Ronon was behind him. He looked up at the warrior. "Thanks, big guy, but I'm okay now."

John was relieved when Ronon nodded and let go of him. He turned back to the crowd around him. "I'm fine, now, really. I think I just did too much too fast. Just give me a minute to catch up and I'll be fine." And he was feeling better. Between the main event being over with and getting to sit down, he could feel the nervous tension from before leaving and his stomach settling. Someone handed Carson a glass and he passed it on to John, who drank greedily. The water sloshed a bit from the slight tremble still in his hand.

"Not too fast, Colonel," warned Carson.

John paused and then forced himself to drink more slowly. By the time he handed the glass back to Carson, it was almost empty. "Thanks."

"I'm sorry, Colonel," said Helia. "I guess we should have listened to Dr. Beckett and postponed this for a while. We've had it planned for a while and we were waiting on you to get dismissed from the infirmary. Dr. McKay suggested we make it a surprise."

John looked over at Rodney, who shrugged and waved. "Oh, he did, did he? I'll have to think of an appropriate way to repay him." His voice was level, but he was pretty sure from Rodney's expression that he got the true meaning of his words.

"That's not really necessary," squeaked Rodney.

"Yes . . . it is." Ronon laughed and Teyla gave John a look that was probably supposed to warn him to be good, but he ignored it.

"There is a reception prepared if you feel like attending. It is to celebrate both your award and the new status of your team," said Helia.

John nodded. "Thank you. We really appreciate everything you've done."

Helia smiled and shook her head. "No, Colonel, it is we that appreciate you. That's the purpose of today's activities. I must go to the reception now and I hope to see you there. But if not, congratulations Colonel Sheppard."

"Colonel, if you feel like you can walk, we should at least get you back to your quarters," said Carson.

John frowned and shook his head once. "No, I'm going to the reception. I'm fine, now that I've caught my breath. Hey, you think they have punch and cookies?"

Carson looked unsure. "I don't know. You came very close to passing out on us, Colonel. I think maybe you've had enough excitement."

John sighed and smiled, the knot in his stomach almost gone now. "That's just it, Doc. I've made it through the exiting part. Now I just want to relax in a chair and visit and eat some goodies. Then I can go back to my quarters and nap all I want. Come on, I can't skip my own reception. Don't want to offend anyone."

"He has a point," said O'Neill. "Let the man eat some cookies. We can keep an eye on him."

Carson stood and looked down at John. "I guess if you're sure you feel like it. I want someone with him at all times and making sure he makes it back to his quarters."

"We will stay with John and make sure that he is all right," promised Teyla. "Will you be at the reception?"

Carson nodded. "Aye, I think Emira is going to sneak out for a bit and join me there."

John tried to smother the grin he felt coming. "There, see. If anything goes wrong, you'll already be there." Then he added quickly, "But nothing will . . . go wrong, that is."

"All right, Colonel. You can go to the party. Then I want you to rest."

John grinned as he began standing, Carson helping him out of the chair. "Don't worry, Doc. Resting is probably all I'll have the energy to do." He looked over at O'Neill. "General, I have to admit, I was surprised to see you here."

O'Neill nodded. "Me too. Helia contacted us a while ago about this and offered to let us send someone as a representative if we wanted. The President thought it was a good idea for the Air Force to be represented for something that sounded like it was really important to the Ancients. It seems he was right." Jack grinned. "Plus, maybe I'll get some really good cookies out of the deal."

The whole group began walking slowly down the hall, following the other people who were walking in small groups toward the reception. "That's what I'm hoping, sir," said John.

An hour later, John sat at a table with Ronon, Teyla, and Savill. Elizabeth and General O'Neill were mingling and John was grateful that he wasn't expected to since he'd been told to stay put. Emira and Carson were two tables over, their eyes hardly leaving one another as they talked. Rodney ended up sitting with Radek and Dolon and the three of them hunched over a computer screen while eating what appeared to be some kind of cookie bar. The taste was different than anything he'd encountered, but John liked them and so did everyone else.

"Don't they ever relax and have fun?" asked Ronon.

"Who?" asked John, scanning the room for someone who didn't seem to be having fun.

"McKay and those other guys."

John chuckled as he looked at the three. "They are having fun, big guy. They're geeks, this is how they relax."

They watched a few seconds and Rodney yelled, "Yes," and gave Dolon a high five, followed by Radek. Then they all began to point and talk at the same time.

"I see what you mean," said Ronon.

"I've never seen Dolon this animated about anything," commented Savill. "I honestly don't think there was anyone that could keep up with him until now."

"Yeah, same for Rodney, except maybe Radek. I guess they're the three scientific musketeers." John noticed that no one else at the table got the reference. "Never mind." Sometimes working with a bunch of aliens just wasn't any fun.

Ronon stared at the silver star cluster on Savill's jacket. "So, how big a deal is this silver cluster thing?" he asked, nodding down at the metal.

Savill sobered immediately. "It is a very great honor. Colonel Sheppard is only the fourth person I have seen or known to get the cluster. It is not given lightly and cannot be earned with a single action. One must truly prove his worth before he is even considered. Only a few are awarded each generation."

Teyla smiled. "Then we are very honored to sit at a table with two such warriors."

Savill grunted. "Well, while I'm honored to have mine, I have never felt worthy. I still do not understand why it was given to me."

John nodded. "I know what you mean. I kept waiting on someone to object, to say I was . . . " John shook his head. "I didn't do any more than anyone else did. If they wanted to award someone for being brave or smart or honorable, they should have given the thing to Teyla."

Teyla smiled and placed her hand on John's forearm. "I do not agree. They gave it to the right person. Why do you find it so hard to believe that you are deserving of this?"

John just looked at the table, the voice of his father and of several of his commanders echoed in his head, telling him how worthless he was. He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against his hand. "I'm tired," he whispered.

A strong hand gripped his shoulder, causing him to look up. Ronon and Savill were standing on either side of him. "We'll walk you back to your quarters," said Ronon, moving his hand from John's shoulder to his arm to help him stand. John let him. He didn't feel like fighting it and he wasn't entirely sure he could do it on his own. Once on his feet, however, he did pull away to walk on his own. He caught Elizabeth's eye as they left and gave her a short nod. Her smile almost embarrassed him. She was so proud of him and he felt like such a fraud.

They walked slowly and quietly all the way to John's quarters. He was comfortable with them. They didn't rush him or worry over him. They seemed to know that he didn't want to talk. Stopping when they reached his quarters, he turned to face them. "Thanks for the escort. I think I'll just go lie down for a while."

Savill caught his arm as he started to turn away and stopped him. "I don't know what people in your past have told you, but if anyone deserves the star cluster, it's you. I haven't known you long, but I've seen enough to be certain of this. Don't you let anyone, past or present, convince you otherwise."

John took a deep breath, trying to silence the old voices in his head. He tried to make himself believe what Savill was saying. It wasn't that he really believed the naysayers from his past. He knew he wasn't worthless and that generally he did a good job. He'd saved a lot of lives over the years. But he'd also been responsible for some losses as well. A sea of faces haunted his nightmares, accusing him of failing them. The faces sometimes ganged up with the voices to make him wonder what he was doing.

"John?"

His head snapped up to look at Savill, and he gave a small smile at the man finally using his first name. "I'm working on it."

Savill nodded. "Get some rest."

Teyla stepped closer and leaned her head forward. He bowed his head to meet hers, resting there for a second before straightening up. "Thanks, guys. I'll see you later."

Opening his door, he walked in and let it slide closed behind him. He struggled for a while to get out of his uniform and into sweats and a t-shirt. By the time he laid down, he was completely exhausted. He wasn't sure whether to be excited by the events of the day or depressed by the voices telling him he didn't deserve it, so he tried to ignore all of it and get some rest. It wasn't long before a familiar feeling of comfort began to wrap around him, pulling him into its embrace. He smiled as he felt himself begin to relax and feel worthy, at least for the moment. "Thank you, Atlantis," he mumbled as he drifted off to sleep.

TBC