Chapter Nineteen: An Ocean of Years
"Hello, stranger / it seems so good to see you back again / how long has it been?" -Barbara Lewis
Steve hadn't been in Europe since just before the crash. Like everything else, it wasn't exactly how he remembered it. London was a sleek city now, though it'd maintained some of its more traditional elements better than New York had.
He and Audrey were in the taxi from the airport heading to the home where Peggy lived. He wasn't exactly sure how he felt. Anxious, mostly. And heavy with a sort of grief he didn't understand. The next time he was supposed to have seen her was at the Stork Club. She was going to teach him to dance. Eight o'clock, on the dot. Don't you dare be late. He was going to propose. They would have gotten married, and had Audrey, and raised her together. Every time he thought about it, he felt a pinch of guilt. Steve didn't regret putting the plane down. He knew that if he hadn't, thousands of people would have died. But he still felt the burden of everything he'd lost weighing down on him.
Audrey was watching him intently, her eyebrows scrunched up as she tried to read his expression. He knew he wasn't doing a good job of hiding what he was thinking. He didn't feel any need to, not around her.
Still, even as she watched him, she didn't say anything. And neither did he. The trip was completely silent, save for the radio playing quietly in the front seat.
When they arrived at the home, a large brick building covered in ivy, Audrey paid the driver his fare and the two got out of the car, bags in hand. Steve barely processed what was happening as Audrey spoke into the intercom and a nurse came out of the building to guide them towards Peggy's room. It wasn't until they were standing right outside her door that he snapped out of his haze.
Steve's heart was racing the same way it did when he'd first been in close proximity with Peggy. It was an anticipation, an unfamiliarity. Even after falling in love with her, the past seventy years had turned them into strangers.
There wasn't time to freeze or to turn around, because Audrey was opening the door before he could say anything, and stepping inside.
"Hey, mom," she said softly. A woman was standing and looking out the window at a garden behind the building, her gray hair tumbling down her shoulders in loose curls. She turned around. Her visage struck Steve speechless. Peggy was every bit as beautiful as the last time he'd seen her. She'd aged gracefully.
"Oh, hello, my darling," she greeted Audrey, her face splitting into a grin. She started towards her daughter, and the blonde took a few steps forward to meet Peggy in an embrace. Peggy held her tight, letting her eyes slip closed. When the two parted, Peggy turned to face Steve. She was still beaming. "You're very late," she said, stepping towards him.
Before Steve could answer, Peggy was wrapping him in an embrace. She held him like she was afraid he would slip through her fingers. Again. "I-" he started. He didn't know what to say. I'm sorry, I'm so happy to see you, I can't believe it's you, I can't believe I'm here. Steve swallowed and stepped back. "Hi," he said finally, offering a quick, nervous smile.
Peggy's eyes welled with tears. "It's been so long," she said. Her voice cracked. "So long. I can't believe you're really here. I can't believe you're really alive." Her tears spilled over, running down her cheeks. Steve was crying now too.
"I am. I'm here. I'm sorry it took me so long."
"You're exactly as I remembered," she said. "I stopped hoping a long time ago, I-it was breaking my heart. I used to dream that you'd show up on my doorstep, and-" She broke off, coughing.
Audrey, almost instinctively, wrapped an arm around Peggy's shoulders and brought her to the armchair in the corner of the room. She handed her a half-full glass of water that had been sitting on the end table.
"Thank you, sweetheart," Peggy rasped out, taking a few sips from the glass before setting it down. She looked up at Steve, a nostalgic smile tugging at her lips. "I used to dream that you'd show up on my doorstep and I'd sit you down on the couch and say, 'Just a minute, I have a surprise for you.' And then I'd carry Audrey out and show her to you, and I'd say, 'You have a daughter. Her name is Audrey, and her birthday is August 28th.'" Peggy looked out the window. "I just wanted you to know. It killed me that you'd-well, you'd died without ever knowing about her." She smiled sadly. "I'm so happy you get to know her now. I'm so, so-" A sob cut her sentence short.
Audrey took a seat on the small couch across from Peggy. Steve followed, settling next to the blonde.
"I am too," Steve agreed. "I'm sorry you had to raise our daughter alone," he said. Our daughter. It was a phrase that seemed so foreign, but still felt right.
"I tried my best," Peggy assured him, waving him away. "I didn't know anything about raising children. I've had three, and I'm afraid I still don't. One of them gets herself into all sorts of alien-related trouble," she remarked, sending a pointed look at Audrey. The blonde flushed red. "Michael only just retired from MI6 but he used to call me every weekend going Oh mother, you won't believe who shot at me this time! Laura served in the military for years as a doctor-every time she called me I swear I could hear gunshots in the background." She huffed in mock exasperation. "But despite all that, they have accomplished quite a bit," Peggy conceded. "Even if they're reckless as all hell."
"I think you did a great job, Peg," Steve said. "You should be very proud."
She smiled. "You were the one that knew everything about babies, anyways." To Audrey, Peggy said, "Have I told you this story before? About the village and the children?"
The blonde shook her head no, leaning forward to hear it. Steve smiled fondly at the memory. In the winter of '43, he and the Howling Commandos had interrupted the Nazis as they attempted to invade a village on the French border . When they arrived, they overpowered the German forces but there were still some enemy soldiers hiding in houses and they'd worried about possible hostage situations.
"Your father rushed into a house that they'd seen one of the soldiers escape into, and while he was looking for him he woke up the baby. And he picked it up-this gigantic man dressed like the American flag-and started rocking it until it got quiet.
"And right as he got the baby to sleep, the German ran past him and tried to escape. Your father tackled him to the ground, which of course woke the baby again, and so he went back to make sure it was sound asleep before he left the house and dragged the soldier out with him." Peggy's eyes lit up as she told the story, and Audrey was grinning as she listened. "Where did you even learn to do that, Steve?"
Steve thought back to his childhood, when he and Bucky had cared for Rebecca as both of Bucky's parents went to work each day, working late into the night to try and make ends meet. "Rebecca, mostly," he said. "She's probably in her nineties by now, but Bucky and I had been looking out for her since she was three or so. She was family. Like a sister to me."
"We can look into connecting with her, if you'd like," Audrey offered.
"Yes, that's a wonderful idea," Peggy agreed. "I believe she lives in New Jersey now."
Steve smiled softly, remembering how rambunctious Rebecca had been as a child. She kept pace with Bucky and his adventures until she'd gone into high school, when she'd for the most part lost interest and they became more focused on making rent than causing trouble around Brooklyn. "Thank you, Peg."
"Of course," she answered. "It's the least I can do."
Peggy folded her hands across her lap and looked around the room. Although it was a nursing home, she'd done everything possible to make it her own. She had two bookshelves full of worn copies of novels and memoirs and short story collections. Photos of her and her children hung on the walls, and some where she smiled broadly next to another man. It left a twisted feeling in Steve's stomach, something bitter. It was hard to acknowledge how the world had moved on without him. How Peggy had moved on without him.
No-that wasn't fair. She didn't have a choice. And he was glad that she'd found a husband who loved her, and had children, and had a long successful career. He just wished he'd been there.
Steve cleared his throat, trying to appear conversational. "So, uh, is that Daniel?"
"It is."
The man leaned on a crutch in all of the photos. "Was he a soldier?"
Peggy looked up at the photos. "Yes, he was. You saved his life in Germany, you know." That was comforting to Steve-that he'd helped ensure a happy life for Peggy, even after all he'd put her through. "He's coming to visit later this afternoon, if you'd like to meet him," Peggy offered.
"I'd love to," Steve said, and he meant it. Even though it hurt to see that Peggy had built the life he'd wanted, with another man in his place, he was grateful. Peggy could take care of herself, but Steve was still grateful that someone had looked out for her and loved her. She deserved that.
"Are Laura and Michael coming?" Audrey asked.
Peggy nodded. "You're going to have to assure Michael that you're okay after the debacle in New York; you know how he worries. He's bringing Paul. Emma's on break from university so she's coming along as well, I believe."
"Oh, lovely," Audrey said. Her inflection was starting to match Peggy's, as a slight British accent made itself apparent. "Will Angie?"
Peggy scoffed, though remained endearing. "It's likely. She visits so often she may as well live here."
Steve searched his memory for the name. Angie. Audrey had told him who Angie was, after he'd woken up. Peggy's best friend. But when he remembered the exact conversation with Audrey, she hadn't said friend, she'd said friennnnnnd, dragging it out as if she wasn't quite sure she believed her own words. He'd dismissed it at the time, but wondered now if it meant something.
He and Peggy chatted about everything under the sun for the next few hours-her history at SHIELD, Tony Stark-("That boy," Peggy had said, shaking her head, "always so bright but he struggles to keep his head on straight.")-Audrey's childhood. Occasionally, Peggy spoke in loops or repeated herself, but usually caught herself as she was doing it. Still, Steve remained fascinated as she recounted stories of the past seventy years. It was only when a knock on the door interrupted him that he realized how much time had passed. The clock on the wall read noon. It couldn't possibly have been two hours, could it?
"Come in," Peggy called. The door opened and an older gentleman stepped inside. He was followed by a group of people, each of whom held bags of food. "Oh, good, you're all here," Peggy said. "There's someone I want you to meet. This is Steve Rogers."
The group remained quiet for a minute, before the older gentleman stepped forward. Even though he leaned on a walker, Steve noticed his slight limp. This was Daniel, Steve recognized. He wore thick glasses, and his dark gray hair was combed to the side neatly. He stuck out a hand, grinning broadly. "Daniel Sousa. It's an honor to meet you, Captain."
Steve met Daniel's hand with his own. "Call me Steve, please. And the pleasure is mine, sir."
Daniel nodded, "Sure thing, Steve." He put his hand on Steve's shoulder, friendly, before he moved over to greet Peggy and Audrey. A man who had curly hair and was dressed in a suit took Daniel's place, sticking a hand out in introduction. "Michael," he introduced. Pulling the other man forward, he added, "And this is my husband, Paul."
Steve froze at that for a moment, before he snapped out of it long enough to shake both of their hands and smile. Husband. Two men, married. Even if the fact surprised him, he didn't find himself bothered by it. Steve had never been one to judge the way people loved. He remembered thinking about what it would be like to kiss Bucky, a few times, when he was twelve and Bucky was thirteen. The thoughts had faded as they'd grown older, but Steve had remained devoted to him as the years passed. Steve had loved Bucky, although not necessarily in a way he understood.
And even though he'd loved Bucky, Steve had loved Peggy too. Which had left him confused. Steve had never understood how he'd been able to have such powerful feelings for both.
He shook the thought away, knowing it was a matter for another time. Steve greeted Laura and her daughter Emma. Emma talked so fast that Steve could barely keep up, let alone keep track of the things she was saying that he didn't understand. He tried to make a list of them in his head, but knew that he couldn't possible catch them all. Meme, Twitter, iPhone, YouTube. His head was spinning by the time she'd moved onto Audrey, practically throwing herself at the blonde in her excitement.
"It's good to meet you," Laura told him as she shook his hand. "You were such a big deal in the family growing up. I'm glad Audrey's getting a chance to know you."
"Thank you, ma'am," Steve answered.
Laura snorted. "You dated my mom. Don't call me ma'am. Laura is fine."
Well. When she put it like that, Steve found himself agreeing. "Alright, Laura." He looked around at all the chaos in the room, and then turned back to the woman in front of him. "I heard you served."
"Yep. Twenty years as a medic."
"Thank you," Steve said.
"Same to you," Laura replied. "You're actually a big part of why I enlisted. I wanted to help people the same way you had, but at the time we were fighting a lot of the wrong battles. So I went to med-school, and I mostly worked with civilians in areas that had been bombed."
He didn't know he'd have that much of an influence. It humbled him, but at the same time made him proud. "I'm glad. The world needs more people like you. People who want to help."
"The world's gonna need a lot of people willing to help," Laura said. "Especially with the fact that aliens are real and. Well, they're here."
War today was very different from what it had been, that was true. The weapons, the techniques, and the enemies-everything had changed.
"Laura, what was that movie that came out last year?" Michael called over to her, interrupting. "The one with the Swedish girl."
Laura excused herself from the conversation and went to join her brother's conversation. As Steve watched Peggy and Daniel and their kids laughing and catching up, he felt a pang of grief deep in his stomach. He felt like an outsider. He felt like he didn't belong here.
"I'm gonna...step outside," Steve said to nobody in particular, before ducking out of the room and heading down the hall. He wanted so badly to be happy for Peggy. And he was. He was really, really glad for her. But God it hurt. That she'd gotten married and raised his daughter while he was frozen in the ice. That she'd lead such a successful career and accomplished so much and he wasn't there to congratulate her and support her. That she had lived such a full life, and he'd been buried alive under wreckage and snow, somewhere in the arctic.
Steve pushed open the door to the stairwell and ran down the steps until he was on the first floor again. When he shoved open the door at the bottom, it spit him out into a garden. He sucked in a breath.
Not only did he have to die, but he had to live with the weight of resurrection. He was stuck watching the world move on without him. Even though he was grateful to survive, to get a second chance, Steve couldn't help but think that if he'd stayed in the ice, his heart wouldn't be breaking.
He looked around the garden, and then up at the gray sky for a minute, inhaling the cold air and letting it distract him. When the pain had eased slightly, he looked out at the greenery, finding a small bench next to a rose bush in bloom. Steve headed towards it and sat down. He rubbed his eyes.
Would it ever stop hurting? He thought about Bucky's death, which had been seventy years ago. Steve felt like only a few weeks had passed. He hadn't had a lot of time to mourn-even though Bucky was gone, the war had raged on. For the sake of the world, he couldn't afford to lose focus. And then as soon as he'd woken up, he'd been thrown straight into another fight. Now that the fighting had stopped, and the exhaustion had faded, all he felt were the things he'd lost. His best friend. His girl. His life. Steve didn't even know what his place in the world was anymore.
"Dad?"
Steve's head jerked up at the word. Audrey was walking towards him, hands in her coat pockets.
"Are you okay?" she asked, eyebrows furrowed with worry.
He didn't have an answer. Well, he did-no-but he didn't know if he wanted to say it. Instead, he settled for, "I don't know."
Audrey sat down on the bench. "What are you thinking?"
Steve looked at her; she was so genuinely concerned. He couldn't bring himself to lie, or brush it off. "I feel like I shouldn't be here," he admitted. "It's not-it's not my life. I wanted it to be, but it's not." He blew out a breath. "All I can see are the things I lost. I have all these-all these nightmares about Bucky, and the plane crash, and Peggy, and I-god. It's like I have to relive all of the worst parts of my life every night."
She nodded. "I've been talking with S.H.I.E.L.D. about a therapist. I...I figured that you probably had some form of PTSD, but with Loki and everything…" she trailed off. "There just wasn't time to set it up. But I think that could help you, if you want. Someone to help you process."
A therapist. Steve wasn't sure if he was ready to talk to a total stranger about his trauma yet. Not when everything else was so unfamiliar. But eventually, he was open to it.
"Okay," he said. "Maybe not yet, but, okay."
Audrey nodded, offering him a small smile. "I know it's not the life you wanted, or expected. I wish I could do more to make it feel like home to you. I really wish I could." She looked down at her hands, where she was opening and closing her fingers, somewhat nervously. "I don't know how much help I am to you. But I want you to know that...anything you ask, I'll try and help with. And...you're not alone. We're family."
Steve squeezed Audrey close to him in a sideways hug. "Thanks, sweetheart." He kissed the top of her forehead.
"I love you," she said.
Steve felt something warm swell up in his heart. Pride, that he could call Audrey his daughter. Love, for her and for Peggy. Relief, that he wasn't entirely alone. Steve smiled.
"I love you too."
a/n: This brings the last full chapter of Monachopsis to a close! I'm so excited to share Nodus Tollens with you guys. It (along with chapter twenty) will be posted by the end of this week. Thank you to M for betaing ily! Thank you to everyone who reviews and reads, you guys mean the world to me.
Chapter Twenty: Epilogue
And then they were off, driving towards an unknown destination. So much of the world today was foreign to Steve. But despite all the uncertainty, with Audrey by his side, he was starting to believe that here and now was where he belonged.