AN: You all are beyond amazing, I loved every single review last chapter. You all have no idea how much I appreciate it!

I know that some of you may or may not agree with Bella's plan of action, but these are her choices. That's all I'm saying about that.

As always, all I own is my twisted plot line.


Chapter 20: Scream

Does anybody know how I feel?
Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome
Does anybody care what's going on?
Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm
For you to see me, I need release
Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me
Do I need to scream?

Bella

Never in my life had I been spoken to in that way. And by a fucking addict no less! Jasper was probably the biggest hypocrite I've ever met.

Nearly everything he had ever told me rang true for him, but he just refused to see it. Or, who knows, maybe he did see it and that's why he treated me like shit twenty four seven.

With the bathroom door shut behind me, I walked over to the shower and turned it on. While waiting for the water to get as hot as I could possibly stand, I knelt down in front of the bathroom sink and opened the small doors.

Pushing behind the array of toiletries, my hand reached all the way towards the back until my fingers grazed the cold object. Gripping it tightly, I pulled it out and set it on the sink.

I stripped out of my clothes, watching as the steam began to fill the small bathroom. I stood there for only another minute before heading into the shower.

The water was scalding, but I barely even felt it as I slid the curtain close. The water hit me full force, the heat relaxing my sore muscles.

The silence didn't last long.

Once in the safety of the shower, I broke down completely. Sliding down the tile wall, I pulled my knees to my chest as the sobbing intensified with each passing second.

Too many thoughts were running through my mind for me to even try to come up with a logical reason as to why I was even acting like this. I may not be vindictive, but I was a tough bitch. Life had made me that way over the past few years.

But when it came to Jasper it was like all bets were all off the table. I honestly didn't know what to do anymore when it came to him.

Part of me wanted to call him out on his bullshit, tell him I saw right through the lies. But then there was another part of me that just knew that he was telling me the truth. That he truly hated me and had fucking used me as one of his one night stands.

He had wanted to fill the void and I was the easiest target apparently. Knowing I was emotionally breaking last night, he took advantage of the situation. I knew what was happening, but I did nothing to stop it either.

This was just as much my fault as it was his, but I at least realized what this all was. He was still stuck in his own little world, refusing to man up and deal with what was right in front of him.

"Fucker," I choked, my breathing becoming labored from the hot water and amount of tears streaming down my cheeks. "You have no idea Jasper." I mumbled, talking to him as if he was in the room with me.

Not like it mattered, he'd soon see it for himself.

I could take a lot of shit, but he had pushed me far beyond my limits this time.

Reaching up above my head, I grabbed the tiny knife I had taken from one of Esme's crafting kits a few weeks after I moved in here.

I turned it in my hands a few times, watching as the water flowed over the blade. Gripping it tightly I looked around my body, searching for the absolute perfect spot.

It didn't take long. If I was going to do this, then you better fucking believe it was going to be someplace where someone could see it.

Having always been careful where I did it, I was doing the complete opposite today.

I wanted them to see it, wanted to show what I had been driven to.

I didn't really understand my reasoning. Maybe by doing this, Jasper would feel sorry for me, but I highly doubted that.

It was worth a shot though. It needed to be done at any rate.

With my right hand tightly wrapped around the knife, I extended my left arm. Even though the water was still hot I could feel my entire body beginning to tremble as it anticipated what I was about to do.

I had never used something like this, usually only a razor or a cigarette when I wanted to sear my skin.

This was uncharted territory, but I knew that this was an extreme circumstance that needed to be dealt with.

That or you've completely lost your fucking mind Bella!

"Yes," I whimpered shakily.

Taking a deep breath I pressed the knife into my skin and made a tiny line across my wrist. I didn't even know if I was doing it the 'right' way, but I couldn't care less.

As soon as I did it once, I felt like mentally slapping myself in the forehead. Why the fuck hadn't I done this before! The rush, the thrill that it brought me was unlike anything I had ever felt before.

I didn't understand why the wrist was so different than any other place I had done it, but it was. Maybe the excitement of someone seeing it, or the plain fact that I only had to barely touch my skin with the knife and it'd break the skin beautifully.

That one little cut turned into five longer, deeper ones; three on my left and two on my right. When I felt I had done enough damage, I dropped it. Closing my eyes I leaned my head against the wall and inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly.

The initial rush was over now, but the thrill was still there. I had done it, I had done what I had set out to and I had no regrets what so ever.

Five, ten minutes passed when I finally felt it.

The bleeding hadn't bothered me, it never had, but after only a little while of sitting beneath the hot water I knew it was time.

When I was in the hospital one of the girls had told me that if really wanted a good effect, you had to place your cut under hot water so it would bleed more.

As I attempted to stand to get more of the water, I felt my legs giving out from under me.

That's when things started to become hazy. And not that good, on cloud nine hazy either. No I could tell that something was wrong, but I wasn't sure what. I couldn't put my finger on it.

It was one thing to try and prove a point, but it was another to make yourself sick over it.

"Shit," I slowly rose to my feet, holding onto the wall in hopes of not slipping. It was wet so if didn't really help me, but it was just enough leverage to pull the curtain back.

Looking behind me I saw that blood had stained the white wall, standing out in such a grotesque and beautiful fashion.

As soon as I stepped out of the shower I felt my head spinning wildly, practically painful to even breathe.

Just as my hand grazed the white towel on the counter, my legs gave out on me again. Grasping the towel, my entire body trembled when I came in contact with the bathroom floor.

I tried to cover one of my wrists with the towel, but it was to no avail.

"Fuck," I whimpered as a thick veil of darkness began to overload my senses, the last thing my ears picked up on was the sound of footsteps on the ground.

Jasper

I stood in the middle of my bedroom for a good ten minutes, processing all that had just occurred in here.

Bella had slapped me. The bitch fucking slapped me, for something she had started. Granted I hadn't meant to call her what I did, but what did she expect?

That girl had been messing with me from the moment I first saw her. So she was just as guilty as I was. Although, to a certain extent, she was right. I had taken advantage of the situation last night.

We never seemed to think straight when we were around one another. And that didn't ring truer than it had last night.

It wasn't so much the sex, but it was all that happened after and every thought I had during the night. Having stayed with her, I realized more and more that Bella was probably the only person who saw all through my bullshit and saw me for who I really was.

A fucked up addict who was hell bent on hurting those who got too close before they got the chance to do it to me.

I knew this and yet I still did it. I acted like I didn't care that I hurt her, but that was a fucking lie.

I hated that I was hurting her. She never deserved to be treated that way, but I kept right on with it. Every venomous thing I called her, every stunt I pulled on her…it fucking killed me.

But I would never tell her that.

No, it was much easier to pretend to hate her than anything else.

Shaking myself from my moment of moral guilt, I thought back to the fact that Bella had just taken a swipe at me. She got me good, but I wasn't going to let her get away with it.

I had hurt her with my words, but this wasn't over.

What are you going to do, hit her?

What? Of course I wasn't going to fucking hit her! That was low, even for me. I would never raise a hand to a woman. I may do a lot of stupid and careless things, but hitting a girl was not one of them and it never would be.

In what felt like a rather familiar routine these days, I walked down the hall to her room and entered without knocking.

When I didn't see her I frowned. It was odd. Where the hell else would she be? I had distinctly heard her bathroom door slam shut.

About to call myself crazy I turned to leave when I heard it.

Behind the closed bathroom door I could hear the shower running, full blast it seemed.

For a moment I thought showing her the same courtesy she had oddly shown me and just wait for her, but to hell with that. She was going to deal with me right now.

Crossing the room, I opened it a crack and peered in.

"Bella," I called her, but she didn't answer me. The only sound filling the bathroom was the running water. "Bella?" I called her again, knots beginning to form in the pit of my stomach.

Everything that told me to turn back around and leave faded away instantly as I pushed the door open all the way.

And that's when I saw her.

Rage and panic coursed through my body as I stood there frozen for a few seconds.

Bella was lying on the bathroom floor, completely naked, with blood dripping down her arms.

"Bella, what the fuck are you doing?" I immediately dropped to my knees beside her, reaching out to touch her cold cheek. "Hey!" I shook her this time, but she didn't even groan in protest.

She wasn't moving, wasn't answering to my voice. With shaky fingers, I reached and felt against her neck for a pulse. When I faintly felt one, I suddenly switched into fucking fight or flight mode.

Grabbing the towel resting beside her, I wrapped it around left wrist. Through all the blood I made out three deep cuts. I stood and quickly found two other towels that I could use.

Wrapping it around her right wrist I saw two more cuts. When I went to cover her body with the towel she jerked violently against me. I had no idea what that mean, but I knew it wasn't good.

I needed a phone and I needed it fucking fast. There wasn't enough pressure on her cuts to stop the bleeding, only enough to slow it down.

Without hesitation, I picked her shaking body up off the cold ground and carried her all the way downstairs into the living room. Her blood seemed onto my clothes, but I barely noticed.

I lay her gently on the sofa, not caring that her blood would probably seep onto the couch as well.

Snatching up the cordless, I dialed 911 as I sat beside her on the couch. The operator picked up quickly and I explained the situation as best I could.

"Was it a suicide attempt?"

"How the fuck should I know? Just get someone down here bitch." I raised my voice at the woman on the other line.

"Sir, you need to calm down. I'm just following protocol. Paramedics should be at the given address within five minutes."

Fuck protocol, I needed them to be here now and take care of her. That's all that fucking mattered to me, not some dumbass rules this lady had to follow.

I hung up, tossing the phone on the ground and leaned closer over Bella. Brushing some of her hair off her forehead, my fingers traveled down until they reached her lips. They were blue and shaking from the cold.

"What the fuck were you thinking?" I traced a finger over her bottom lip, my own lips closing in on hers before I could stop myself. Pressing them chastely to hers, I rested my forehead against hers.

"Don't you dare die on me Bella or I swear to fucking God I'll never forgive myself." The words passed my lips and I felt something tightening in my chest. Fucking hell!

Well, wasn't this just fucking special? Here I was, having more revelations, while Bella lay practically motionless on the couch with fucking blood all over the place.

What kind of twisted world was this?

My question received no answer as the door bell snapped me back into my cold reality. Jumping away from Bella, I walked as fast as I could to the door and flung it open.

Two paramedics stood there, stoic looks on their faces.

"Where is she?" One of them asked as they brushed past me.

"The living room," I was right behind them so I could watch every little thing they did. If they even so much as touched or glanced at her in the wrong way…

Oh, you choose now to get all protective of her?

You bet your ass I was being protective of her.

That, my dear friend, makes you a fucking hypocrite. All this time you cursed and hurt her. Now look at what you've done…if she doesn't make it, it's going to be all on you. Can you really handle any more guilt Jasper?

"Fuck," I cursed under my breath as they lifted her onto the gurney, one of the paramedics strapping her in while the other removed the towels and wrapped some gauze around her wrists.

"Suicide attempt," one of them whispered, his voice monotone. I wanted to scream, tell them that they had no real proof that this was a suicide attempt, but knew my words would be futile.

No one ever listened to 'kids' like myself.

One of them looked over at me "you her boyfriend?"

I knew they wouldn't let me go if I said no so I nodded my head.

"You can ride in the back with her, let's go." He waved at his friend as they began transporting her outside and into the ambulance.

"What's her name?" They asked me as I sat on the bench beside the gurney, the ambulance starting and wailing to life.

"Bella," I leaned forward, placing my hand on top of hers "her name's Bella."

"Alright, Bella," The paramedic pressed his fingers against her neck "Bella honey can you hear me?"

I watched, but she didn't answer.

"Bella, sweetheart, we need you to hang in there for us okay? Let us know that you can hear us. Your boyfriend's right here with you. We need you to open your eyes."

I winced at the word boyfriend. I was anything but.

I had been treating her like shit for months and I had apparently pushed her too far this time.

Fuck, did I not know my limits? Bella was only human, she wasn't some robot who stood and took my verbal abuse. Of course she'd be affected by it. How could she not?

And for what, it had all turned and slapped me right in the face. I had let this game go on for far too long, literally sending Bella to the breaking point.

I was a cruel, heartless bastard who only cared about himself.

"It's not true," I squeezed her hand "I didn't mean those things. I just wanted you to hate me before you could break me."

The paramedic looked up at me with a curious expression, but he didn't press it. He was busy making sure she didn't flat line or something.

We reached the hospital a good fifteen minutes later, them pulling Bella out first before I stepped down. She was immediately wheeled back once we were in the emergency room. I tried to go back there, but they wouldn't let me.

More fucking protocol.

I paced around the medium sized waiting room, wondering what the hell was taking them so long. I had been in there for over twenty minutes, but no one had come in to say a word to me.

And then, almost on cue, an elderly nurse walked in and looked at me.

"Honey, are you family?"

I shook my head. She pursed her lips.

"Do you know how we can get in contact with a member of Miss Cullen's family?"

I nodded as anxiety and dread filled my body. "She's okay though, right?"

"I can't disclose any information…"

"What the fuck does that mean?" I stepped closer to her "look, can't you just tell me that she's alright or not?"

She sighed. "You're not family sweetie. I need to talk to them before I can say something to anyone else."

"Do you have a phone I can use?"

"In the nurses' station, come on honey." She led me out and down the hall where she handed me the phone.

I clutched the phone tightly in my hand, eyes flickering around the room as I prepared to make the call that I hoped I would never have to make again.

I could feel my heart beat erratically against my chest with each ring that went unanswered.

"Please, answer the fucking phone…"

I was cut off by my aunt. "Hello?" Her voice was a bit hesitant as she answered.

"Esme," I sighed, running my hand over my face "you and Carlisle need to come to the hospital. There's been accident. It's Bella…"

My aunt's strangled gasp is what finally did me in. Having held on to it since first seeing Bella on the floor, everything caught up to me.

"Here," I thrust the phone at the nurse and took off down the hall where I had seen a bathroom. Pushing the door open I barely made it before emptying out the contents of my stomach.

I didn't realize I was shaking until I stood to wash my hands and rinse my mouth out.

"You really fucked up this time." I eyed my reflection with absolute disgust.

The hatred I felt towards myself, however, was nothing compared to what was going to happen if this all ended badly.

If Bella didn't…make it then there was no way I could ever forgive myself, never get over the complete torture and images that would undoubtedly haunt my dreams for the rest of my life.

"Please," I gripped the sink "please don't take another one away from me."

And for the first time in years, I slid my eyes closed and said a fucking silent prayer.

Teaser for CH 21: I didn't know how much time had passed, but

the only sound filling the room was the drone of hospital

machinery. And it was driving me fucking crazy.

Was this as emotional for you as it was for me?

God, Bella is one twisted bitch isn't she? I still love her though. And Jasper, I think it's safe to say he knows he screwed up...beyond words.

Your reviews are my much safer addiction & I think this story can hit the 200 mark this chapter!