"I'm leaving in twenty minutes! I can't wait to see you and hold you! And I'm excited to see Belle too! Oh and your room finally!"
I send my text to Regina and slide my phone into my back pocket. I'm just waiting for her text me back with her dorm room number. I smile like a giddy little girl and zip up my duffel bag preparing to leave.
It's been a month since I've seen my girlfriend in person. Cora forced Regina to do some understudy, internship at her aunt's private firm, in New York. She thought Regina could use the experience but I thought it was just a way to keep us apart and Regina's mind focused on school. Cora even went to New York and brought Zelena along so they could celebrate Christmas and New Years together.
I told Regina when we went back to school, I was coming to visit her. I know she comes to my school so we can be together as a couple in public but she's too scared to be open at her school. The result of this has kept Belle and I apart and to be honest, I miss my friend.
I sling my bag over my shoulder and open my door to leave. I'm smiling like an idiot knowing I'm on my way to see my girlfriend and Belle. My smile quickly fades and I'm left dumbfounded when I see my girlfriend standing behind my door ready to knock.
"Regina? What are you doing here?" I clench the strap on my bag extra tight because I have a feeling I'm not going to like this answer.
"No, hi Regina, I've missed you!" She mocks as she places a gentle kiss to my cheek and walks right passed me into my dorm.
I already feel my blood boiling but I take a deep breath and step back inside my dorm and shut the door granting us privacy.
"Regina, what is going on? I'm suppose to be driving to Harvard right now," I cautiously explain even though she already knows this.
"I know but I missed you so I just came here as soon as I could." My girlfriend sits on my bed acting unaffected by the situation but to me this is an issue.
"But we agreed, I could finally come to you for once. I want to see Belle and hang out with both of you. I want to see your dorm room and your campus...like we agreed," I reiterate slowly, desperately trying not to start an argument.
"Seriously Em, it's not a big deal. I'm here now so maybe you could visit another time." My girlfriend tries to derail me from the topic of conversation as her hand reaches out for mine and she smiles so sweetly. I snap my hand back and take a generous step back as well. I know she did this on purpose so I wouldn't go to her school, this has nothing to do with her just simply missing me.
"No, Regina, because there won't be another time," my voice begins to rise as rage courses through my body.
"There won't?" She questions with confusion written all over her face.
"No, there won't because you will never tell your mom and you'll never be comfortable around your campus with me because god forbid your mother finds out that you are in love with the girl next door!" I know I've lost my temper now and there's no coming back. I've fought off this dreadful feeling for almost three years now, I'm tired of this lie and I have a feeling things will never change.
Regina doesn't say a word, she just sits on the edge of my bed picking at her fingers nervously. There's a thick silence building between us making this conversation so much worse than it needs to be.
"You're never going to tell her are you?" My voice is barely audible as the realization of my admission sinks in.
"Emma you asked me to go out, I did that for you, at least I'm trying."
"I understand that you are trying but I'm not allowed at your campus? Do you understand how much that hurts me? I haven't even seen Belle in five months because of you! The whole point of you two being roommates was so we could all hang out and continue being friends."
"I know Emma, I remember, it was my idea."
"Okay then, so what is the issue? I highly doubt your mom would find out we are a couple if I visit you at school."
"It's not worth the risk."
"You mean I'm not worth the risk?"
"I didn't say that Em, don't switch my words around."
"No it's true because if I was worth it you would've told her by now!"
Regina jumps to her feet and reaches out for me but I am quick to avoid her touch. "Emma this has nothing to do with you. This is between my mother and I."
"Between your mother and you that has everything to do with me! I can't Regina, I've told you time and time again, I don't want to live this lie anymore. You are going to suffocate and drown if you spend the rest of your life hiding this from your mother. This is who you are Regina, there's no changing that!"
"I know Emma, but it's my secret to tell, not yours. I will tell people when I'm ready and right now, I am not!" My girlfriend's tone is short and snippy only further causing my anger to grow because her attitude reminds me of her mother's right now.
My jaw clenches tightly as anger pulsated through my blood. It's been over three years since we started hooking up and carrying around this secret and I am beyond tired now. I ball my hands into fists at my side and try to breathe trough the disappointment and betrayal. She kept promising me something that she never intended on keeping.
"So what, you're never going to tell Cora who you really are?" I question as my eyes glare at her with disgust.
"I never said that, but I...I am not ready, not now."
"I can't keep doing this with you, you're never going to have the guts to stick up to Cora," I exasperate causing my girlfriend to stare at me completely slack jawed. "I can't keep living like this. I want to be with someone who isn't terrified to call me their girlfriend.
"What are you saying Emma?" Regina inquires with a look of horror taking over her face.
"I'm saying I can't be in a relationship like this."
I gulp down the large mass growing in the back of my throat. Those words were sour as they left my tongue, leaving a horrible taste in my mouth. My stomach turned as I realized what is actually occurring right now. My eyes burned as hot tears filled to the rim.
I watch intently as my girlfriend's bottom lip trembles but quickly turns into a hateful scowl. She storms right passed me and yanks open my door. I turn around just in time to watch her slam the door in my face. I flinch from the loud bang and immediately the tears begin to fall.
I know my girlfriend and I know she needs a minute to breathe. I tug open the door anyways because we never really fight like this and I hate this gut wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach. I glance down the hallway but she's nowhere to be seen.
I pull out my phone from my back pocket and quickly call her. One ring, two rings..."Hi, it's Regina..." Did she honestly just reject my call? I groan at my phone and try to call her again. Same thing happens all over again, two rings and then her voicemail.
My hands begin to shake with fear as I panic, thinking maybe she left, but she can't leave like this, we need to finish our conversation. She needs to understand the damage our secret relationship is causing to us. I love her and I don't want to actually break up. Everything that just happened was all in the heat of the moment.
My fingers are a fumbling mess as I open up our text messages and begin frantically typing away.
Regina please come back. Let's talk about this. I love you so much. Please don't leave.
I send the message and try to call her all over again. This time the phone rings all the way through, so I know she didn't reject my call, but now I assume she tossed her phone in the passenger seat and is on her way back to Harvard. So I text her again because at this point, I'm distraught for a response.
Don't be mad at me. I'm sorry, I don't want to break up, I just need you to understand. I love you so much. Please come back so we can fix this in person. I love you!!!
I pace my room while running my hand through my long locks. I don't know what I would do if I lost her. God I hope I didn't push her away. I should've just kept my mouth shut because being without her is ten times worse than having to keep our relationship a secret.
The tears stream down my face like they are in some sort of race. One after another slide down my cheeks as I bury my face into my pillow and cry uncontrollably. I think I really fucked up this time. I'm starting to wonder if I pushed her too hard and I finally just pushed her away. A harsh sob violently wracks through my body as I thought about actually losing her.
I heard the door creek open prompting me to leap from my bed. I wipe away my tears not wanting her to see me in such a state and wait for my girlfriend to slip through the door.
"Hey Emma," Ellie happily greeted me as she stepped into our dorm. I instantly burst into tears worrying that Regina might not ever come back. "Oh god Emma, what's wrong?" Ellie let the door fall closed behind her and rushed to my side.
I threw myself back onto my bed, face down and cried all over again. I curled up into the fetal position and poured my heart out. Ellie soothingly rubbed her hand up and down my back but she didn't say a word. I assumed she understood there must have been a fight between Regina and I for me to act this way.
Once my heaving subsided and there was only a few tears left, Ellie decided to speak up. "Are you ready to talk about it now?" My friend whispered softly while she brushed some of my damp strands out of my face.
"Re-Regina and I had a huge fight..." just thinking about the argument caused my body to tremble uncontrollably. "...she left. She won't return my calls or texts." I allowed another harsh sob to erupt from the back of my throat and buried my face back into my pillow.
"I'm sure she just needs some time to cool off. She loves you so much Emma and everyone knows it. It's impossible to be in a room with you two and not see how much she adores you." My friend's words rolled off her tongue with nothing but confidence and a calm tone that made me almost believe her.
"Then why won't she at least text me back?" I questioned even though my voice was barely audible.
"She will. I know she will," my roommate reassured me but I didn't listen to a word she said. I needed some sort of response from Regina.
I'm not sure how much time slipped by, but I felt the bed dip next to me. Ellie scooted closer to me, pressing her side into my curled up body. I continued to cry, there was no stopping these tears. My roommate didn't say a damn word, she just laid next to me, supporting me through this rough time. I was grateful for her presence even if I wasn't really expressing that feeling in this moment.
Eventually I cried myself to sleep with my best friend watching over me. I held onto my phone while I slept. I woke up every hour on the hour in a sheer panic, checking my phone for some sort of response. I texted her like a stalker every time I woke up, begging for her to call or text me back, each message going unanswered.
The next morning, I completely ignored the world around me and only focused on calling and texting Regina, still no answer. The day after that, was exactly the same, I didn't even bother showering or getting out of bed for that matter. Ellie brought me food when she was finished with her part time job, but I didn't touch it. The smell alone made my stomach turn.
When Monday morning rolled around and I still hadn't heard from my girlfriend, I neglected all my classes and continued calling and texting.
"Okay, it smells awful in here. I've been a good friend and let you sulk but it's time for you to at least take a shower Emma," Ellie declared as she entered our dorm.
"El, why won't she answer me?" My voice was raspy from all the tears I've shed over the past three days.
"I-I don't know Emma. I really thought by now she would've answered." Ellie let's out a slow ragged breath as she plops down on her bed.
"I'm losing my mind. I can't live without her. Eighteen years Ellie...she's been by my side for eighteen years." The tears filled my eyes just like they have been doing nonstop for the last three days now.
"I know Emma," that's all my friend whispered as she stared aimlessly at her feet. I know this is awkward for her and I know she's out of things to say.
"I have to go," I demanded as I rolled out of my bed. I attempted to stand and instantly felt dizzy from not eating or moving for so long.
"Where are you going?" Ellie's blue eyes shifted over to me full of concern.
"I need to see her. Maybe if I see her face to face she will talk to me." I say out loud but in all honesty I think I'm just trying to convince myself that seeing her will fix everything.
I stare at my phone and squeeze my eyes shut because all the text is a giant blur. I rub my eyes hoping to regain some focus and slowly peel my eyes open again. I scroll through my phone and click on Belle's contact. My friend answers her phone on the second ring.
"Hi Emma," my friend greets me but her tone sounds flat, reminding me of my own roommate. I'm sure Belle has been dealing with the same shit Ellie has been for the past three days.
"Hey Belle." I don't waste anytime and cut right to the chase. "Look I need your address and dorm number."
"Emma, I don't think that's a good idea. Regina would kill me."
"Why?" I snap back feeling personally offended by her statement.
"Because, she clearly doesn't want to see you if she's been avoiding your calls for three days now."
I glance over at my roommate who's watching me intently. Her eyebrows are knit firmly together as she tries to piece together Belle's end of the conversation.
"She's just being Regina, stubborn as always. Once she sees me, we can fix whatever happened from the other day," I confidently say to persuade my friend into coughing up her address.
"I don't think so Emma. She told me what happened...she said you ended it."
I gasp at my friend's statement, utterly shocked by her side of the story. "No I didn't!" I bark out of anger.
"She said it's over between you two because you told her you couldn't be in a relationship like that anymore. That's ending it Emma," my friend informs me while I stand motionless in my dorm room. My feet are planted securely into the ground and for a moment I think my heart stops beating.
"I-I didn't mean for it to come off that way. Belle you know how much I love her. I don't actually want to break up," I plead with my friend noting just how desperate I sound in this moment.
"Well...you did. It's over."
"No, no, no...Belle please just give me your dorm room number. I just need to talk to her in person and clear the air. I can fix this!"
"Emma, listen to me, Regina doesn't want to fix anything, that's why she's avoiding your calls. She will probably kill me for saying this but..."
"But what?" I scream into my phone feeling agitated by this point.
"She said she can't give you what you need. She said she has to let you go because she will never be able to make you happy in life. You deserve someone who is willing to date you openly and who can proudly shout that you are their girlfriend."
My bottom lip quivers as a fresh new wave of tears sting my eyes. My chest constricts to the point where I can't take in a single breath. I keep opening my mouth to speak but nothing is coming out.
"Emma?" Ellie whispers in concern but I'm too lost in my own thoughts to respond. The tears trickle down my face before I collapse onto my bed again.
"But I don't want anyone else."