Sometimes you don't realise how much you care about someone until they go.
It hurt when other tributes died, it hurt a lot when Dalston died. But this. The pain in my chest. It's indescribable.
Randall wasn't meant to die. He was better at fighting, better at survival. He had friends willing to sacrifice themselves for him.
But he's dead.
I feel his hand slipping from my grasp every time I clench my fist. I've tried to rub my palms together to rid myself of the feeling. It's just left them raw and in pain.
I went into this thinking I'd have an alliance, we'd help eachother out. But I watch some of my only friends here walk away, disgusted and angry.
They don't trust me. They think I hurt him. They think I killed him.
Claire tries to calm me down, pulling me towards safety, but I can tell she's hurting as well. I feel sorry for ruining her chances of making it out alive. She's lost allies just by association with me, she could easily give up on me as well. Why did she choose to stay with me?
There's no doubt they're broadcasting me to the nation right now. Anything that'll make an audience feel something is sure to be shown. Betrayal, fear, the accidental death of a friend. They'll eat that up. I don't want to give them the satisfaction, but I can't stop myself from feeling. I wipe my face with my sleeve.
I wonder if my family's watching right now. There's a 24 hour broadcast that flits between different tributes, and then a summary in the late evening- just after we've seen the deaths.
I'd always hate watching it, but I'd have to check the summary just in case. If our district won, the year was a tiny bit happier for everyone. Capitol people would be in town, which meant it was much less gloomy. Of course, we hadn't had a winner since before I was born.
"Are you okay?" Claire asks, eyes full of worry. I don't want her to see me upset, I don't want to see her face so full of concern. I want to be back home, in my own town. I want to stop losing people.
I keep thinking back to things I wish I'd said to my friends. I want them to know how much they meant to me. I regret not saying it.
Part of me wants to lean over and kiss Claire just so I don't regret not doing that before I die.
…Okay.
That's an emotion I didn't know I was feeling.
No that's ridiculous. I'm just isolated, and my adrenaline's messing with my mind. That's not something I'm focusing on.
I realise I haven't responded to her question.
"Yes, can we stay outside for a bit? I just need to clear my head." She smiles, and sits beside me. I suddenly feel very awkward.
Without the other tributes to distract me, those budding feelings from training are back. I thought I'd buried them, I don't want to care about anyone else. But looking at Claire now, I'm clearly not over it.
"We can make it through this. Even without an alliance." She says, and for a moment I believe her. "We'll.. We'll sleep here for the night and then we'll go and find Emmy, yeah? Just like it was in the beginning. We'll be okay." She looks up at the sky and for a while I can pretend that everything is fine. "Did you know about the forcefield?"
"Hm?"
"Big forcefield round the arena-" She's trying to get my mind on other things, I suppose I can try and forget my pain for a bit. "I wonder if it'll get smaller. Schrader won using the forcefield, a thrown weapon bounced right back and hit his competition." She talks for a while about the mechanics behind it, and I'm caught up in her scientific knowledge. If there wasn't the threat of survival, the arena would be fascinating. It's only as she's theorising how the traps work that I notice something falling from the sky. Floating slowly, landing near us. It's a small box- a little parachute attached to it. I pick it up curiously. It has our district number on the front.
I pry it open, hoping for something useful.
The contents isn't what I expected. It seems like a wooden clock, but without any of the numbers and only one hand. It doesn't seem to work, aside from the hand being able to spin round the circle, there's no mechanisms. There's a small note attached.
I meant to send this to our kid, but I figure you'll get some use out of it.
- 11.
Underneath is a drawing of a hint coin, like my token. I don't fully understand it, but it seems like a clue to something.
11… District 11?
Randall and Angela.
This was meant for them. I suppose if their mentor had already prepared to send out two then they'd just have it waiting after he…
That means it's likely that Angela and Henry have the same item, otherwise I'd have just expected them to give this to her as well.
I weigh it in my hand and turn I over. I'm lost. Perhaps it interacts with the arena somehow? Or is it a weapon? I show it to Claire but she's similarly confused
"I'd keep hold of it, just in case." I stash it away into my pocket. I can feel my head beginning to clear now, though I wish I had more water. The stress has made my chest feel tight. We'll have to try and find the lake again at some point, though I can't remember where it was in relation to here. The others had a better grip of the arena than we do. I catch myself going to ask Henry where we should go, but I shut my mouth as I remember.
The fact that I'll likely never speak to those two again settles in, and my heart aches. I miss them.
As we're wating for darkness, I hear a single note whistled in the area. Just one note, but that unusual sound catches my attention. I whip round, expecting some kind of trap or animal. The noise happens again, higher.
I look up to see Janice in the tree across the path, I don't know how long she's been there but she's alone. I wonder how much she's seen. I go to call to her but she spots me and raises a finger to her lips. She tilts her head to the side and I hear the distant sounds of tributes and fighting. I can't see who it is, but Claire and I slip away from the cave, back behind the treeline.
I hear a couple run past, as we press ourselves desperately behind the bushes. It's an abysmal hiding spot, but I hope it holds out. I can see them slightly through the leaves. The two approaching are ones that I'm sad to see have remained in the area. It appears that they're on less friendly terms now, as their swords clash together.
"You DARE to accuse me of such a thing?" yells Anton as he lunges forward. "You were always trying to protect him, and now you're lying so that I won't maim him." I see Darklaw's boots cross in front of me, her stance aggressive.
"You know that Barnham didn't do anything, he acts like he's a fighter but he's a coward. He hasn't killed anyone." Their swords clash again.
"That boy-"
"That was me." She throws back. "It wasn't my intention, but I did it."
"Well then you must have killed her as well."
"She died long before then." There's a thud as Anton is hit. I can't see how bad it's is, but he falls forward. Darklaw has her hand gripped tightly round her sword ."Don't feel too ashamed. The gas got to you, and you became confused."
"I didn't. You're lying."
"In your heart, you know the truth. You know what you did."
"No!"
"You know you killed Sophia." There's the sound of swords again, and a yell. Claire and I wince, both stifling any noises to avoid being caught in the fight. I hear a choked gasp, and see Anton hit the floor. "I cannot put my life in the hands of someone like you."
Cannon Fire.
Darklaw huffs, wiping her sword on the edge of her shirt. It's as if the killing of her old ally is merely an inconvenience to her. She doesn't seem to notice us as she continues walking. Claire goes to raise her crossbow but doesn't fire. When we hear her footsteps subside, we allow ourselves to breathe. There's a thud as Janice jumps down behind us. I keep my sword in hand just in case.
"We're safe, she headed North. You can come into the open." Claire helps me to my feet. Janice looks worse off than when I last saw her, but nothing too severe. Her ponytail now hangs in tendrils round her face, sweat sticking it to her forehead. She tucks it behind her ear as she looks around. We all seem to have an unspoken agreement to not harm eachother.
"Thank you." I manage, still shaken up by the close encounter. I'm glad she gave us a warning, I doubt we'd have been able to take on those fighters. "You really saved us there."
"I'd seen them fighting in the distance" Says Janice, looking at where they emerged from. "I didn't want anyone to get caught up in it."
"We're very grateful." Claire places a hand on my shoulder. "Janice, can we offer you room in our cave?" I suggest, gesturing to it.
"It's very fancy." Claire adds. Janice giggles, but shakes her head.
"No, sorry. I don't mean to offend- I'd just prefer to get through this alone." I nod. I remember her and Melina. And I can now understand how she felt.
"It's perfectly understandable. As long as you're okay by yourself."
"Someone must have put in a good word with the Capitol, I've received a few sponsors." I feel a pang of jealousy, her pre-existing status as a celebrity seems to have helped. The seemingly useless box in my pocket feels heavy.
"Well then we shall bid you farewell, I wish you the best of luck in the games." She waves and heads off in the opposite direction to Darklaw. I hope she makes it far, it's shocking that such a selfless tribute has survived for so long.
We walk back inside the cave, it's uncomfortable how empty it is now. There's still blood stains on the floor from our ally's injuries. It makes me sick to look at.
"It's sad to see her alone" I muse, she's the only tribute I know that's willingly not made an alliance. "Losing her friend must have been really hard on her." From the interactions I'd seen, Melina and Janice seemed to be incredibly close. I'm sure her death caused some tears from the Capitol.
"It's tragic, people falling in love somewhere like this. Where you know you'll have to lose them." Adds Claire. She says the last part slowly, and there's a tension in the air. We lock eyes.
"Though it must have been nice to have someone who cares about you so much." We don't break eye contact. Claire is the first to look away.
"Do you.. Do you have anyone like that? Back home I mean."
"No." There's never been anyone, I'd always been the awkward quiet boy in the class. The other kids weren't exactly lining up to profess their love. I must be imagining that she looks happier at this answer. "You?"
"Not really, there was one boy but we never really hit it off." She waves round and pulls an apologetic face. "If this is being broadcast, sorry Paul!" she giggles. Poor boy.
"So there isn't anyone." Claire shakes her head. We both sit, watching as the arena gets dark. I've managed to push the memories of my alliance, and the fighting and everything out of my mind. For now, it's just me and Claire. "And what about… in the games?" she looks shocked for a second.
"There might be." In an environment that's so unpredictable, I didn't want to grow too attached to anyone. But that plan seems to have failed.
I know it's just my head being confused, but I can't help staring at her. I grin as she catches my eye.
"What?"
"I'm glad you're here." She smiles back, and I think she knows what I mean, as she reaches over an grabs my hand. This time it isn't one of reassurance, it's gentle and affectionate.
We step outside the cave, hearing the familiar anthem play.
Randall's face appears, I feel Claire squeeze my hand again. Muscle Memory kicks in and I hold tighter, not wanting to let go. I can't let go of anyone else. Claire seems to notice me getting worked up again.
"We should get some sleep."
Anton's face is next, but the music doesn't stop. A voice accompanies it.
"Congratulations to our remaining Twelve Tributes. In celebration of the halfway mark, we will be holding a feast at the Cornucopia come daylight."
The feast. They put out food, supplies and gifts round the centre of the arena. Sometimes it's plentiful, sometimes there's nothing but an apple. There's guaranteed to be fighting. The voice continues.
"And another announcement- Due to discussions of unity amongst Gamemakers, we've made the decision to alter the rules. In the interest of the Capitol, If the two last standing tributes are from the same district- They will both be declared the Victors."
Me and Claire look at eachother, and I watch as her face explodes into the biggest grin. She tackles me with a hug, laughing. As we fall to the ground I'm smiling as well.
The Same District.
Two Winners from the Same District.
I don't know whether it's the excitement, the shock or panic, but I pull her face towards me and kiss her. She responds happily, hooking her arms round my shoulders. We lay in the darkness for a while, the previous fears and stress drifting away.
Maybe we're moving too fast, maybe nothing more will come of this, maybe we'll both feel foolish come morning.
But for the first time in weeks I have hope.
We can both win.
We can both make it out.