Contrary to the impression Toki held of Washington State, not a cloud could be seen in the sky as they headed southwest. They rolled the windows down in mild celebration; whistling wind combatted Skwisgaar's fingers getting a feel for a newly tuned acoustic guitar. "Sounds better already, don't you t'ink?"

"I can'ts believe you bought that."

"Somet'ing electric amn't verys practical for de road, Toki. Can'ts hear it."

Toki lowered his voice to mock Skwisgaar's. "Huuuh, it don'ts matter if I don'ts plug my guitar in because I cans always hear de music in my heads. I wouldn'ts be caught dead playings on a grandpa's guitar."

"Fucks off," Skwisgaar replied with a back-handed slap to Toki's upper arm. "Ats least dis way I wouldn'ts has to hear you tells me how selfish I ams because I shelleds out for electricals."

"If it meants I didn'ts have to hears you play every minutes of every day now, I woulds has said goes ahead."

"Whats if when we gets to Portland I wanteds to find a boardwalk somewheres and plays music for money, ah?" Skwisgaar diverted from an acoustic rendering of Blood Puke into something improvisational, more upbeat and catchy. "Maybe somedays I ams going to be famous, den won'ts you regret makings fun of me and my shittys guitar."

Toki snorted. "You's already famous! What the hell's you talking about?"

"I ams going to play under a fakes name, and den when everyone like me, I'ms goings to move to Los Angeles. Me ands my gay lover, ha." A piece of hair blowing about got caught in Skwisgaar's mouth, which he tucked behind his ear before his smile reemerged. "Ands dere will be a legend dat say I writes all my music while he blows me. It wills be true, and I myselfs will spreads it around.

"His name ams Toki, he sucks dick likes a champion," Skwisgaar sang along with an intentionally discordant tune, "I don'ts know anyt'ing dat rhyme wit' champion, so fucks you, I ams a champion too. . ."

Toki cackled behind the steering wheel. "That's horribles, you're nots allowed to ever writes lyrics for a song, evers again."

"Oh waits, I thoughts of a word that rhymes wit' champions," Skwisgaar carried on, louder and with a smirk, "his name ams Toki, and he hungs like a stallion. . ."

"Holy fucks, you're so umsbarrassing!"

"Admits it, you loves it." A flourish on the guitar ended the song. "Dere, I ams amazing. Gives to me fifty dollars for entertainings you."

Still laughing, Toki shook his head.

"No?" Skwisgaar tossed his guitar into the back and undid his seatbelt. After using his sunglasses to hold his hair back, his lips found Toki's neck. "Den makes it up a diffrents way."

"Psh, you nots a music hooker." Toki's eyelids fluttered when Skwisgaar groped him between his legs. "What the hell gottens into you, today?"

"What, I can'ts be in a good mood?" The signs for switching from the I-90 to Highway 395 came up, which Toki signalled for through a fogging mind. "Stops de car when next you cans. We shoulds fuck."

"Skwis, looks around us. Is flats and there's no trees anywhere." Toki's resolve buckled at an alarming rate, though. Basically ignoring what happened on the highway, he scanned for somewhere to pull over. He wound up turning onto one of the side roads; nowhere near out of sight, Skwisgaar already pulled Toki out of his jeans and tortured him with a slow, firm squeeze from base to head. "How we evens going to do this?"

"Don'ts know, dat ams de fun of it."

"We can'ts fit in the back, and the roof is too low for you to straddles me. . ."

"Maybes if you tilt your seat."

"Do you thinks we could do it fast enough on the sides of the road? The hoods would definitely burns your ass."

"Come sits on de passenger side. Dere ams more room. I'm shores we coulds figure it out."

The dust didn't have the chance to settle before both doors flew open. They met at the trunk, where Skwisgaar dug into his duffel bag for the lube. It landed on the floor up front when tossed, off the mark due to a smack on the ass catching him by surprise. "T'anks, it probably openeds and spilleds everywhere."

Toki pulled him around to the passenger side after closing the back. A quick check for traffic preceded Skwisgaar's shoes and pants being tossed haphazardly onto the driver's seat. They created a mess of hands between them inside as Toki shimmied his pants down and Skwisgaar readied them with the recovered, slippery bottle.

"I hopes we gots enough napkins to cleans dat up," Skwisgaar chuckled against Toki's neck. "Is probably going to smells like sex in here rights through to Oregon."

"We'll airs it out." At this point, Toki didn't give a shit. He hated the clothes between them, that Skwisgaar blocked the air conditioning, and that he needed to keep an ear out for any approaching vehicles. Still, he pushed his hands up Skwisgaar's shirt as a groan collided with his mouth. Thumbs against erect nipples, he used the floor as leverage while nipping and sucking Skwisgaar's bottom lip. Cramped quarters and needing to rush didn't serve how they normally executed this, but the urgency burned hot in Toki's lower abdomen. He loved that Skwisgaar couldn't wait until they reached their next motel room, despite them having traded blow jobs earlier that morning.

"Odin, Toki. . ." Their noses bumped as they grew accustomed with spacial restraint. "What de hell ams we doings?"

"Who cares?" Skwisgaar didn't actually seem to, given the maintained fervency of his hips. Toki contrasted that by kissing him softly. "Is somethings wrong with it?"

Skwisgaar shook his head. "You ams making me crazy."

"Thoughts you alreadies was, elskling."

"Nots like dis." They'd done this enough for Toki to recognize a change in rhythm. Skwisgaar's core picked up slack, drawing Toki's fingertips to feel how his undefined abdominal muscles strained; everything tightening up compromised their speed, then Toki pressed his lips to the older man's cheek as the iron grip around him slipped and sent the entire, long body against him into an endearing tremble. Less than a few moments later, Toki's head slumped back against the headrest in similar enfeeblement.

"Sorry," Skwisgaar eventually whispered.

"For?"

"I gots cum on your short. Mines too, I t'ink."

"We just puts new ones on. Wash these next time we does laundry." Toki noticed a shiver to go along with the air conditioning's current, while rubbing Skwisgaar's back. "Cold?"

"A littles."

"You wants to move?"

"Not reallies. Unless you ams hot?"

Toki could remain like this a little longer, if they were in no danger of being seen. He nuzzled Skwisgaar. "What dids you mean, by what you say? That I's making you crazy?"

"Exactlies dat. You torns me into a fuckings idiot."

"Why, just because you nots acting like Mr. Cools, no more?"

"De stupid t'ing am dat I can'ts even help it. Usually it ams de ot'er ways around."

"Guess I finallies got it through your thick skull that this is acceptables with old Toki." Thrilled for such a development, Toki enveloped the older man in his arms. Cynicism be damned; however corny, romance had yet to die within him. So what if they just fucked on a dusty roadside? Toki's heart fluttered as his nose nestled in the crook of Skwisgaar's neck. "You probablies been tolds this a million time, but you smell so damns good after sex."

"I don'ts really care, what ot'er people have saids. But I glads you t'ink so." Skwisgaar relinquished dead weight off Toki, exposing still-flushed cheeks and a relaxed smile. "Maybes we ought to gets on de road again. Probablies don'ts take long arounds here for someone to rolls up on a tractor and see if you havings car problem, or somet'ing."

Skwisgaar balanced carefully on the road in bare feet while he redressed, sticking as close to the Mustang as possible. Far as Toki could tell, as he removed his shirt and dug around his bag for a new one, no one noticed their pit stop. He found himself watched instead by the man leaning against the taillight.

"You know, I haves never beens able to thickens out, like you," Skwisgaar stated. "No matters what I do. I cans hit de gym and eats dat protein powder shit, but evens if I gets more muscular, I still talls and thin."

"Maybes is just the way you built." Toki smirked; for whatever reason, he imagined Skwisgaar eating straight whey powder with a spoon and miserable expression. His fingers skimmed the pale torso opposite. "Does you feel bads about it?"

"No, was just somet'ing I wanteds to try when I forst comes to America. Nat'an still hads abs, and even Moidaface would lift weights once in a while. Me and Pickle were always stuck like dis, though. Nots dat we really trieds." Skwisgaar shrugged. "Oh well, I just enjoys dat vicariously, now."

"Whats you mean?"

"I woulds rat'er date someone like dat. Or, you knows, t'inks about dem when I jack off."

Toki blinked as the other man pulled a new shirt on. "And whats you mean by that?"

"I'ves already told you. Dat forst time we fuckeds? I was curious."

"Dids you do that before we evens left Mordhaus?"

"Didn'ts have much time between dere and Chicago, dids I?"

"You ares the absolute worst." Toki shoved him. "I don'ts even know what to says to that. I thinks you're lying."

"Ams harmless, to jacks off to someone you physicslys attracteds to. Friend or what haves you. What ams de big deal? I'ves probably jackeds off to everyt'ing."

"Psh, you nots helping yourself right now. Is not exactly flattering, when you makes it sound like I some object for your entertainments." Toki headed back for the driver's seat. "Come on, let's go."

"Corrects me if I wrong, but ams you gettings mad about dat?" Skwisgaar asked as he dropped back in the other side.

"I don't know. Ares you downplayings everything again? I can'ts really imagine that you woulds ever keeps it quiet if you wanteds to fuck someone and they was just down the hallways from you."

"And what was the alternatives? I haves told you too dat I suspecteds you maybe lookeds at me a littles differently dan you did de other guys. Woulds be kind of a dick move to mess wit' dat, ah?"

"What makes what we doings right now any differents? You know what I wants and you still haven'ts agreeds to be my boyfriend. So all we doings is fucking while I keeps my hopes up and you gets your way."

"I ams capable of nots letting my dick do all de t'inking." Skwisgaar's tone steadily grew more terse. "You know what am goings to happen next? I sees it already. I goings to say ja abouts being your boyfriend, and den you goings to accuse me of only sayings dat because I givings in to an ultimatum and don'ts actually feels dat way. When ams you actuallies going to trust me?"

"I don'ts know. Is hard out here, because you don'ts have any problem with it while we's away from Mordhaus."

"Why you just assume dat everyt'ing ams going to be fines about it whens we get home? What ams going to happens in your mind, when we goes back and tells everyone, ja, we ams dating, fucks you and goes die if you don'ts like it?"

"They all gets their chance to grumbles, and then they don'ts care anymore. The only reason they act so anti-gay is because it just five guys hangings out most of the time and they wants to keep that boundary up. I think you knows that, too. So what is it really, if nots that or you not stringings me along? What the hell are you so concerneds about?"

When Skwisgaar didn't immediately respond, Toki took his eyes periodically off the road to see if he at least considered the question. With his forehead against the window and fingers folded in his lap, Skwisgaar eventually shrugged.

"Whatevers, then. If there an actual reason and you nots talking about it, then I thinks that a pretty good sign about what kinds of a boyfriend you woulds be anyway."

That prompted nothing from Skwisgaar—not at all Toki's intention. He regretted what he said shortly after it hung between them. However, disappointment for the day taking such a turn held an apology at bay. Maybe, if Skwisgaar stewed in this new awkwardness long enough, he'd be prompted to join Toki's level by speaking from the heart.

The remaining hour and a half drive into Kennewick passed excruciatingly slow. Unable to handle the silence any longer, Toki suggested an iced coffee. He drove them down to Columbia Park rather than get back on the road. Some things were easier discussed while stationary, and—putting Skwisgaar's needs first—he thought that maybe a green surrounding and view of the river would calm whatever storm toiled away. Skwisgaar's arms folded over his stomach, sure sign of an emotionally-instigated stomach ache, and he'd barely nodded when asked about a drink.

When Skwisgaar obviously wasn't going to speak first, Toki cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Skwis, I'm sorry. Thats was out of lines. I saids it because I was frustrated. We have such a goods thing going here, and I can'ts understand why we're nots on the same page. And is hard for me to believes that you care what the other guys think because you does whatever you wants anyway. So you can sees why it seem like an excuse."

Thankfully, Skwisgaar didn't shut him out. The man nodded slowly, however worried he looked.

"Why won'ts you tell me? Is it bad?"

Skwisgaar nodded again, staring out toward the river. "I don'ts really want to talks about it."

"From the way you actings, it make me think that—"

"Can you nots pressure me?" Skwisgaar cut him off. "T'inks whatever you want, I amn't saying not'ing when you use it to says I would be a shittys boyfriend. Go fucks yourself."

Toki couldn't get mad, since those words came as defence. He sipped his drink. "Well, I just goings to put it out there that if you ever needs it, I'll listens without judging you."

"Pff."

"I wills." Skwisgaar hadn't elaborated yet, but Toki's stomach soured too much to drink anymore. Maybe it would be easier for Skwisgaar to discuss if he didn't even need to open his mouth. "Did someones hurt you?"

"Whats you want me to say? Ja, of course dey dids. Who didn'ts get hort when dey were kids?"

"You's downplaying again."

"You goings to keep talking untils you worm it out of me? Maybes you okay talkings about de craps what happen to you, but I amn'ts, okay?"

"I alreadies kind of suspect what it is."

"Goods, den you can quits bugging me."

"Skwis, I beens through this before. You woulds feel better, if you talkeds about—"

"You ams unbelievable!" Skwisgaar's head snapped in Toki's direction. "Why woulds I tell you anyt'ing? You gots no respect abouts it, you just keeps asking and asking. You beens hort, ja, so puts yourself backs in my shoe and t'ink about how it feel to have someone proddings at t'ing you don'ts want to talks about. If you gots an idea what it ams, den why you gots to know more? It happened, nobodies believed me, and den I got teased for it. So tells me where de good part come from talkings about it."

Before Toki could, Skwisgaar undid his seatbelt. "T'anks, I feels great. Insteads of just disgusting, throws in some humiliation. Dis am so much better."

"Where's you going?"

"Anywhere, so long as it ams away from you."

"Hey—hey!" Toki got out of the car as well and jogged after him. "Don'ts feel ashamed abouts it, with me. I believes you, and I woulds never tease you for it. Whoevers did is fucked up in the head."

"What parts of leave me alone don'ts you get?"

"Skwis, I gets why you tryings to run away. I don'ts ask just because I's curious. I asks because I love you and I wants you to be okay. Haven'ts you been alone abouts this long enough?"

"Don'ts touch me." Skwisgaar shrugged Toki's hand off his shoulder with a shudder. He turned to face the other man; even with how much of his face the aviators concealed, blotchy skin showed beneath its edges. "Dis amn'ts even about dat, anymore. It ams about respect. You needs to back off rights now and gives me a chance to—to—"

Skwisgaar flapped his hands at his chest. "I can'ts—I can'ts breathe. . ."

Keeping a respectful distance, Toki didn't want to worsen the panic attack he'd unintentionally incited. "Does what you need to do then, I'll go backs to the car."

"No no no, don'ts." Skwisgaar dropped to the ground so quickly that Toki thought he fell. Weighted conscience pressed Toki's lips together. He sat down as well, fingers knotting together as Skwisgaar leaned forward over his crossed legs and clutched his head, elbows to the ground. Toki urged to rub his rapidly rising and falling back as comfort, but he'd already done enough as it was.

"I'm stills here, Skwis," he assured him. "I won'ts go anywhere unless you needs me to."

If Toki could, for Skwisgaar's sake, he'd move him back to the car. Most of the park's frequenters maintained distance, but one woman approached out of concern. Toki managed to silently convey to her that he had it under control. Eventually, Skwisgaar's breathing evened back out and the fingers tensely buried in his hair relaxed. Although still unsure, Toki shuffled closer on the grass. "I'm sorry. I thoughts this was ones of those things that you wanteds to talk about but neededs to be prompted. You's a proud person, and is hards to admit that maybes once you was helpless. I honestlies thought this would makes you feels better.

"Cans I touch your back?" Toki leaned in closer when, instead of a nod or shake of the head, Skwisgaar whispered something. "Whats you say?"

"I feel so disgustings."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn'ts has brought it up."

"It don'ts matter. It ams still there."

"Is importants to me that you understands I don't think you gross for it. I'm sorries that happened to you. Is there anythings I can do, right now?"

"I don'ts know. I feels frozen here."

"Do you wants to go back to the car?"

"Ja, but I don'ts want you to looks at me."

Doing his best to abide, Toki led him back over to the parking lot. He held the passenger door open for the man and averted his gaze as Skwisgaar dropped inside. His hair still mussed where it'd been clutched, but Skwisgaar's arms returned to holding his stomach. What else could Toki do? He wanted to lay down somewhere where he could wrap the man up and help him feel safe. "I don'ts want you to think I see you any differentlys because of it, but I don'ts want to be one more person to pretends you never saids anything."

"Just. . .shuts up."

"Okay."

Skwisgaar took deep breaths as the air conditioning rustled his hair. He eventually ran his fingers through it, away from his face. "Fuck."

"I'm sorry—"

"Quit sayings dat. You gots no right to bugs me into sharing somet'ing I don'ts want to. Ja, I knows about t'ing what happen to you when you was a kid, but you tolds me dat by your own choice. Do you t'ink dat entitles you to t'ing what happens to me?"

"No. I always felts better if I talkeds about that kind of stuff. Ins my experience, I founds that being quiet turneds it into poison. It ates my inside, I. . .panickeds, like you just did. I just wants to help."

"Whats is dere to help? Can'ts get rid of it."

"It feel like the end of the world when it happen. Likes you dead. Then the sun goes down and it comes back up, and everything around you's the same, but it's still so different. I talks about my father because evens though that happen, I know it isn'ts me that's the freak. Same as you. What happens wasn't your fault."

Skwisgaar pressed his lips together. "It was, though."

"Is nevers your fault, no matters what. You was just a kids. Nothings would ever justify what someone dids to you."

"No, you don'ts get it. I asked him to stays." The corners of Skwisgaar's mouth pulled downward. "I was so sick of my mom's boyfriends always leavings. Dis one hads been around for a couple week. Dat amn'ts a long time, but wit' her, dat was pretties much when I would ask if she was goings to get married. My mom tolds me back den dat it was deir idea to leave, so I thoughts if I mades him more at home he would stays. I heards dem arguing abouts it through de wall de night before, and he decideds to wait untils de morning. So at de cracks of dawn, I gots up to makes breakfast. He cames down, I managed to convince hims to stay, and. . ."

"That still isn'ts your fault," Toki said when Skwisgaar trailed off. "He didn'ts have to do anything like that. Only someone sick would."

"I could sees dat, if. . .if it didn'ts keep happening. Wit' ot'er ones. Is like as soon as it happen once, it change de way people look at you. You becomes a t'ing, insteads of a porson. And maybes people like dat can sense who it ams okay to does it wit'. Because I wasn'ts a real kid, you knows?"

Horrible as what he heard was, Toki sat silently. If Skwisgaar needed someone to finally listen, then he would be that. "Is like when one grown-up hurt you, it turns your inside black and anyone lookings for that got special eyes that can see it. Likes a beacon."

"Exactly."

"But it isn'ts true. Even though it seem like that, there isn'ts anything wrong or defectives about you. Your mom always had guys coming and goings, so is a situation that is likelies to go bad when there a kids in the house."

"I don'ts know, Toki. After a while, I coulds pick dem out too."

"How?"

"De way dey look at me, and talks to me. De one dat wanteds my mom mostlies just ignored me."

"Maybes you was more sensitive to that, after it happen the first time?"

"I woulds watch dem pretties closely, to see what dey woulds do."

"So it isn'ts exactly something about you that made them thinks it was okay. Some of your mom's dates was sick. When you a kid and things like that is happening, you learns what to watch for. I dids it too. I coulds tell when my father was upsets and he mades me feel like I deserved my punishments. Thats what they do. If you thinks the grown-up is right, you's less likely to tell. They banks on you feelings like you did something to deserve it, or, mores in your case, that wills be unsbarrassing. Did any of them threatens you?"

"Dey said my moms wouldn't believe me." The longer he talked, the more mechanical Skwisgaar became. Hopefully, Toki thought, that meant a weight lifted off his shoulders. "And dey was rights."

Toki's face further fell; however strongly he wished to touch Skwisgaar, he maintained respect of his personal space.

"'What de hells would dey wants wit' you?'" Skwisgaar mocked Serveta with a sneer. "'You don'ts have tits. You don'ts have anyt'ing a man woulds want.' She wouldn'ts look at me, Toki. She was in fronts of de TV, drunks, and I'm standings dere wit'—wit' bruises all over me and—and she wouldn'ts even look at me."

"Skwis. . .I'm so sorries that she failed you. Any mother worths her salt woulds has done anything to protects her baby. She fuckeds up, and that isn'ts your fault." Toki held his hand out to him. "Here. If is okay."

Though it came tentatively, Skwisgaar entwined their fingers. "I can'ts put to words how prouds I am of you rights now. It take so much balls to stop being silents about it. Thanks you for the honour of takings this first step, with Toki. You're so much stronger than you gives yourself credits for."

Skwisgaar's jowls tensed. "I thinks it all broke somet'ing in me. I'm scareds dat. . .well, I can'ts get close to peoples anymore, and what ifs dat am de reason?"

"They didn'ts break you, they hurt you. Is a bigs difference. When you haves that happen, it change you. Is unavoidables. They betrayeds your trust. Your mom lets you down the worst way she possiblies could. But evens with all that, you're still such a sweets, funny, goofy guy. I'm so prouds and I loves you so damn much."

"Do. . .do you see dat, when you looks at me? All dose t'ing?"

Toki shook his head, trying to convey all his adoration in his smile. Judging by the dark blotches on Skwisgaar's cheeks, he succeeded. "They's things what happened to you, nots what define you. Is my scars all you sees when you looks at me?"

"Honestlies, I don'ts even notice dem anymore."

Toki squeezed Skwisgaar's hand. "You don'ts got to worries about anything, when you with Toki. Nots that you not capable of it yourself, but I's going to takes care of you now. Nobodies is ever goings to hurt you again."

All Toki got was a nod, but he didn't need anything more for satisfaction. Skwisgaar had a lot to absorb; the shock of having shared something he tried so hard to bury in the past needed to wear off too. Reading the man to make sure physical proximity was acceptable, Toki succeeded in kissing the man's shoulder. "So you keeps that in mind, elskling.

"Dids you want to drinks your coffee, now? Is nearlies melted."