I know, I'm slacking on updates. I'm trying, I tell ya, but it's been a busy few weeks and I was sick more than I care to remember. This chapter goes out to MaggieMay14 who has a broken toe and a double ear infection from her vacation. That will teach you to go way! LOL. I adore Risbee and Acinad816 for their superior pre-reading skills. They are the bomb!
I don't own Twilight. Just this crazy mess.
I can't help myself, and I begin sobbing as Edward wraps his arms around me and tears fall on to his shirt, soaking it through. My breathing falters and Edward rubs my back as he tries to get me to calm down, to soothe me somehow, but I just don't think it's possible. There is an overwhelming ache deep in my soul that is all encompassing; it takes me over and I am powerless to stop it.
After everything I have been through, and all the research I've been doing, I truly tried not to think of the possibility that my father could be dead. So many possibilities ran through my head like maybe he moved away and had a new family, so Renee was trying to spare me from that or something. Or maybe he didn't love Renee anymore and couldn't deal with me being a reminder of their relationship.
Nothing seemed to make sense.
Then again, this doesn't make sense to me either. Why would Renee hide this from me? He was a fucking war hero who died protecting his country. Why the fuck did she feel the need not to tell me? I would have understood. I would have had years to cope with the fact that he is gone.
Suddenly, I feel myself switch from sadness to anger. I ball up my tiny fists and hit them as hard as I can against Edward's chest, but he barely moves. "Let it all out, baby," he urges as I begin to shout in frustration, years of anger at my mother and now at Charlie for choosing to leave us in the first place, begin to surface and I couldn't care less if I am embarrassing myself in front of his parents, my employers. I don't give a shit. The tears begin to fall faster and I can't stop it.
Edward senses that I need some time alone and he urges me to go lie down in his room. He helps me move as his parents look at us with worried expressions. When he lays me down on his bed, the tears fall even worse than before, and he climbs up with me and wraps himself around me, cocooning me from the world.
"Are you okay?" I shake my head slowly as I feel his lips press against the top of my head. "Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere, okay? Get some rest and I will go let my parents out." Edward kisses me once more before slipping out of bed. I can't help but let the stress and sadness overcome me as I fall asleep on his bed, ignoring the muffled sounds of arguing in the living room.
When I wake up, I glance at the clock and am relieved to see I've only been asleep for an hour. However, there is a loud clanging noise in the kitchen and I dart out, anxious to see Edward. He's standing at the kitchen counter, drying off a pot and he's clearly not focusing on the task at hand as he drops it in the sink again.
"Edward." My voice is soft as he turns and drops the towel before rushing toward me.
"Why aren't you sleeping?" he questions, his voice deep with sadness. He looks tired and worn out. I run my fingers softly along the dark under his eyes and find myself wondering the same thing – why isn't he sleeping?
"I couldn't sleep anymore. I was trying not to think…" I stammer through my tears as Edward buries his face in my neck and squeezes me tightly. He smells like an Italian restaurant and my stomach immediately growls at the thought of food.
"I put everything away in the fridge, but I can make you a plate, if you want?" Edward offers and I nod softly as I look into the living room and notice it's empty. I turn back to look at him and he can sense exactly what I'm thinking, which is something I love about him. "I had them leave a little bit ago. After I put you down we…" Edward pauses and reaches into the fridge for the Tupperware he has filled with food.
"We what?" I ask, my voice a little hoarse from the yelling and crying of an hour ago.
"They wanted to wait and talk to you, to tell you everything that happened and why, but I didn't think it was for the best. So umm… Mom suggested that I record them… for your movie."
"You did what?" I look down at the table and sure enough, my video camera is sitting there and when I look up, Edward looks a bit sheepish.
"I thought after everything that has happened that they should at least give you that. So, for almost half an hour I taped them telling me how they met Charlie and what went down to lead us here." I can't help the small smile that crosses my face as Edward explains this to me. It was a wonderful idea, and now I've got everything recorded for posterity, but more than anything, I just want to see what they have to say. "You want to watch it, don't you?"
"Yeah, I do."
"Okay, you get it setup and I'll get dinner going." I grab the camera and head to the bedroom, because Edward is the only person in Manhattan without a TV in his living room, and immediately set everything up. A few minutes later, Edward comes in with two plates of spaghetti and meatballs, and I give him a small smile. "Are you ready for this?" he asks as he hands me a small TV tray to put my dinner on.
"I haven't been ready for half of the shit I've found out today, but let's just cut to the chase."
So, for the next half an hour, Edward and I sit side by side on his bed and watch the video of his parents telling us how they got mixed up in this whole situation with Renee.
Charlie met Carlisle a few days after he arrived in New York from Washington State. I watch as Carlisle tells his story with a smile on his face, and it's nice that he remembers Charlie so fondly. "He was staying with a friend a block or two away and was looking for work. Early every morning I would see him pass by as I was opening up the shop and I offered him a fresh muffin a few days later. I think he was shocked I was being so nice, but he took it anyways and then on the Sunday he came back in and had breakfast to thank me. We struck up an instant friendship because he was such a likeable guy."
"It was no wonder Renee fell so hard and fast for him," Esme says as Carlisle turns to her briefly before continuing.
"Even when he moved into an apartment on his own, he still came to the diner every Sunday and had breakfast. After a while, Esme and I just stopped working while Charlie was there and we all had breakfast together. Things began to slow a bit when he started dating your mother, but he still came around when he could. He was a straight shooter and never minced words, but Charlie always had a smile on his face, and his cheery attitude was almost infectious. You are a lot like him, Bella. In fact, I noticed that the first time I met you when you came into the restaurant to interview for the job."
I could see both of them getting a bit upset while remembering my father, but it was nice to know I am somewhat like my father. My food sits uneaten as I watch, enthralled, by Carlisle and Esme's information. They sat together on Edward's couch and explained in detail how friendly they had gotten with Charlie, and how he thought about applying to the NYPD once he returned from Iraq. Carlisle always had an affinity for the boys in blue, which was why he chose a location across the street from a precinct, and also why Carlisle encouraged Charlie's dreams. However, like Carlisle and Esme, they were all young and full of dreams. Soon enough, his became filled with Renee. She was the love of his life and vice versa.
"I know you are probably wondering, but Edward never actually met Charlie. If he remembers him at all, it's from the picture Carlisle has kept in his office for years of him and Charlie, who was in his uniform or maybe from Charlie being in the diner. Edward was pretty tiny when Charlie was deployed because we didn't bring the kids into the diner until they were a bit older."
"That picture was taken the last time I saw Charlie, so right before he shipped out to Iraq," Carlisle explains, and it's clear that he is having a rough time explaining all this. Like my mother, he has probably tried to compartmentalize everything in his mind so he didn't have to think about Charlie or his death. "He was over the moon when Renee announced her pregnancy and couldn't wait to be a father and husband, but as the weeks progressed, he found himself determined to make a better life for you and your mother. Charlie was working odd jobs in the city, sometimes it was construction and then he got a job driving a cab for a bit, but he always felt like he needed to do more… to be more for you and your mother."
"That's why he enlisted," Edward says softly beside me, pulling me from my own thoughts. I almost forgot he was there because I am so enthralled with the video before me.
"I wish he hadn't been so stubborn." It's a simple thought, one that puts the onus on Charlie for leaving in the first place, but I know he's not really to blame. If he had any idea that he wouldn't come home, I'm certain he wouldn't have gone in the first place. He was just trying to do what he felt was right for his family. How was he to know how it would turn out?
"He was in love and he was trying to provide for his family, you have to respect the guy for that."
"I respect him; I just wish I had the chance to meet him. I want to know how I am like him. Do we have the same laugh or the same smile? Did he hate raisins as much as I do? I just… I wish I could know. I tried this whole time to think positive and be like 'he's out there somewhere' but now… knowing that he's not, it's crushing."
"I know, baby. You were trying to be hopeful. Wanting him to be alive and have a good reason for being away, but he was trying to do right by you before you were born."
"But I needed him," I begin to cry. "It was selfish of him to leave in the first place."
I feel like a petulant child, but I can't help it. I was denied a father and left with Renee as a mother. Sure, she did the best she probably could, but I needed more. I turn back to the screen and watch as Carlisle explains that Charlie had wanted to marry Renee before he was shipped out, but she was hospitalized with issues relating to the pregnancy and there wasn't time. Charlie had agreed to postpone the wedding until he came back on leave, but of course, that never happened. Apparently, Charlie admitted to Carlisle that Renee didn't want him to go and was worried for his safety, but Charlie knew of no other way to get the stability, income and security he wanted for Renee and the baby because he simply didn't have the education to get a solid job, which was what he wanted.
"We first found out about your birth in the New York Post. There was a birth announcement and we saw that Renee had changed her name. At least you were born a Swan," Esme states on-screen. "Carlisle tried to reach out to Renee, but she was so busy with a new baby and her career was really taking off, that she blew him off. We ran into you guys at a park when Edward was about four and it was then that we agreed to let Renee tell you about Charlie in her own time."
"We had only met Renee a few times, but when we saw you, we saw a tiny little Charlie," Carlisle says as I watch him brush tears from the corners of his eyes, and I can't help but tear up myself. "I wanted Renee to let us play a small part in your life, and Esme even offered to babysit, but Renee turned us down. She was trying to distance herself from the constant reminders of Charlie, but she failed miserably, because you were always there. The biggest reminder of all."
I reach for the remote and pause the TV. "Well, that explains why she considered sending me to boarding school when I was younger, and also why she was so desperate for me to move out. I'm just one huge reminder of the love who was killed."
"I'm not condoning what Renee did, but before you jump to any conclusions regarding Renee's motives, I think you should talk to her." Once again, Edward is the voice of reason and we sit in silence as we attempt to eat our dinner and watch the last few minutes of the video.
Esme and Carlisle both apologize profusely and explain that they were just trying to honor Renee's wishes, which I can understand in hindsight, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. When the video is over, I've barely eaten any of my dinner, and Edward can sense that I'm stuck inside my head. I can't help but imagine what life was like for Charlie in the Middle East, or what Renee was going through while she was home with a newborn baby. I was only five months old when Charlie died and I wonder if Renee sent him any pictures of me, if he ever saw me, before he died.
I can't help but break out into tears again as Edward clears away our dinner and curls up beside me. "Listen, how about we go and see Renee tomorrow… get some of those answers you are looking for? I'll call Emmett and give him the day off. He'll appreciate it, believe me."
"No… no," I urge as I wipe away the tears with the back of my hand. "You have work to do. I can go and see Renee after my shift tomorrow."
"You know, I'm sure my mother will understand if you aren't in tomorrow. I can call in sick for you, if you want," Edward offers sweetly.
"No, it's not what I want!" I shout in frustration as Edward stills beside me. I know he is simply trying to be helpful, but I cannot just uproot my entire life because I found out my father has passed away. I may not be able to control the situation with my father, but I am damn sure I can control every other aspect of my life. I need to be able to move on. "I'm sorry, I just… I want to work tomorrow."
"Okay, I just thought you might want to rest or something." I kiss Edward gently against his lips, but I can see he isn't placated.
"I know, and I appreciate it, I do, but I just can't stop everything in my life because of this. I need to move forward." Edward seems to understand and as he takes our leftovers into the kitchen I call out to him that I am going to have a shower. It's really the only place I can get away in his apartment and I promised him that I would stay the night. Five minutes later as the hot water pours down my body and against my face, I cry for the loss of the father I will never know and the uncertainty in my life I just can't seem to shake.
The next morning, Edward drives me to the diner for my shift and it's almost like life is back to normal. Well, except for the sympathetic looks I am getting from the staff who are wondering what the hell is going on with me. I exchange pleasantries with them all and go about my day like everything is the same as it always has been. It's so hard to fake this kind of enthusiasm though, and as the day progresses, I get a headache.
During my lunch break, I call around to a few roommate wanted ads I saw in the paper and even schedule to go and see one after work today. Edward keeps insisting that he wants me to stay, and even made me a great breakfast this morning in an effort to sway me, but I declined. I need to do this for me. Perhaps I'm just being stubborn like my father, but I need to pave my own path in this world and shacking up with my boyfriend of like two months wouldn't help me. I need to break the co-dependence streak I've discovered I have.
After work, as I am heading to Alice's apartment, Edward calls and sounds disappointed when I tell him I have made plans to go and see an apartment with Alice and then we are having dinner afterwards. "I wish you had mentioned something sooner," he remarks as I scrunch up my nose and feel confused.
"Well, I just called her during my last break and she agreed to go with me to check out the place in the East Village that I had called about." Of course, Alice told me she was bringing a can of mace and some bloody knuckles, just in case, but I informed her that the woman on the phone sounded really nice and she wouldn't need her weapons. Alice vehemently disagreed, stating that we are in Manhattan and anything could happen. Alice was also excited to sit down and hear everything that had happened the night before. To be honest, I wasn't looking forward to rehashing everything, but I couldn't keep this from Alice. "Did we have plans I'm unaware of?" I'm sure my voice sounds coarser than I intend, but I can't help it.
"Well no, but you have been staying with me for the past few days, so I thought we could pick up some Chinese food and just relax tonight." I can hear the utter disappointment in his voice and I hate it, but I need to do this with Alice.
"I'm sorry, babe. I made these plans with Alice earlier in the day and I really want to talk to her about all this stuff with my dad. She's been there through everything with Renee, and I need her input. Do you want me to come over after dinner?"
"No, it's fine… be with Alice. I'll just see you whenever." Edward abruptly hangs up the phone and I can't help but stand there dumbfounded at what has just gone down. What the hell is going on with him?
Looking for something to read? True Nature by M7707 is a complete short story that I enjoyed. The Loving Kind by thimbles is awesome and I'm dying to see what happens in Pearls & Swine by BellaSunshine. Go forth and read, after you leave your review telling me how much you hate Renee!