A/N: a light at the end of the tunnel! updates will get a little less frequent now that i'm wrapping this shizz up. so review your little hearts out, and maybe i'll feel more inspired :) god, i'm like...blackmailing. anyhoo, i've posted a new, fluffier fic up today called 'Til Death Or Something Equally As Terrible' and i think you all may like it. check it out! ps- shout out to sexyhippie. HA.
song: turn to stone by ingrid michaelson

BPOV

Everything was wrong. And right now, at my fingertips, was the chance to make it right again.

I knew that if I could just find him, I could fix all of it. I wasn't sure how, and I knew in the back of my mind that I should stop running and hold back. But something kept my feet going, one in front of the other, and I couldn't stop myself.

I knew that there was a possibility that he would run away. I lied, and then manipulated him out of his jeans. I avoided him, and he kept secrets from me. I was fucked up, and so was he. We were terrible people.

We were terrible people, but we needed each other. Or at least, I needed him. I hadn't slept and I couldn't pay attention to anything anymore. His eyes never left me. Even though I had been telling myself over and over again that I could never be with him again, and that I wanted Alice and Jasper to stay away from me and out of my business, none of that mattered now. For some reason, I guess that I thought Edward would stay away for longer. I thought he'd hide at home, having Alice continue to bring him his class work, not returning until we were somehow both over things that had happened and we could coexist peacefully. But now, all of my logic was fucked. It was all out the window, and I needed to find him.

Nothing mattered now. Nothing that he'd said to me, not the way that he made me dependent on him, not the tone of his voice when he first told me how I needed him. It didn't matter how he lied, or how he called me a whore, or anything else. All I could see were his eyes. I could see the white tile beneath my feet as I ran through the hallways, scanning the halls and the classrooms for him through the glass. I could feel his arms, the way they perfectly fit around me, the way they felt as he rocked us on the porch swing of his big, white house. I could taste him on my tongue, feel every bit of him. My chest was pounding, my knees shaking. My fingers itched.

I couldn't see him anywhere. His bronze head was nowhere to be seen, no matter where I looked. Alice had already caused me to be late for class. I thought briefly about how I should be furious with her, but I couldn't focus on it. I thought about how I could have been in class, unaware, while Edward was within my grasp. I ran faster now, not caring how my sneakers squeaked noisily against the tile as I ran. I pushed through the heavy double doors that led outside, my eyes searching frantically for any sign of him.

"Edward?" I called stupidly. I tried to slow my raspy breathing as I searched for him, my resolve weakening each minute that crawled by. It was pouring, and I could hardly see a break between the raindrops as they fell to the earth like a waterfall.

The parking lot? Maybe I could easily find his car there, to determine whether he'd left or not. I racked my brain, trying to remember exactly what Alice had said to Jasper just moments earlier. After I realized what was happening, I blocked out most of her telephone conversation. Now, I was mentally cursing myself for not remember more than I had. Because every detail, even minor ones, could have been crucial.

Jasper. Bingo. Jasper was supposed to find Edward and tell him, calmly, that I was at school that day. Alice mentioned something about Edward 'bolting.' Damn it, he was going to fucking run. And if he ran, I would lose every chance I ever had. I picked up the pace as I ran to the lot, hoping to stop him in time if he chose to run away from me like some pussy-whipped bitch that I was slowly beginning to resent.

Alas. There sat the Volvo, majestically, in all of its silver glory.

It was there, and I was saved.

At least for the time being, Edward was here. Somewhere. I could at least see him if I waited for him, even if I couldn't talk to him. I missed the way his face looked almost as much as I missed hearing the sound of his voice. It had been only just over a week, but I needed him so much that I wanted to scream. My eyes spilled with tears as I tore towards the parking lot, my eyes scanning the landscape for a familiar pair of green eyes.

And that's when I saw. My heart stopped completely as I skidded to a halt on the wet blacktop, the ever-constant rain pelting off my back. It was damned cold, too, the December air making the air icy and uncomfortable as I collected my bearings. The Volvo was still there, not a mirage like I had initially thought, but it was also occupied. A dark form sat in the driver's seat, the rain somewhat obscuring his face from my vision. But there was no mistaking the shape of the man that I needed so desperately as he shook violently, his body trembling with an emotion that I couldn't place.

Everything broke down into slow motion.

I could see, and I couldn't breathe, and all of the fucking emotions and ideas that had ripped through my brain and my heart were completely fucking null and void.

I wanted Edward, I didn't want Edward. I hated him, I loved him. He lied to me, I lied to him. I wanted to see him, or I didn't. Fucking hot and fucking cold.

But as I watched him shudder from the confines of his car, nothing mattered. Absolutely nothing. I would do absolutely anything that it took to get him to open that goddamned passenger door. I had to. Everything I'd said to Jasper, everything I'd promised to myself was a lie. I wasn't over Edward, and I never would be. I would do anything. I would stand against anything for him. And just the thought that I'd even considered abandoning him to try and move on made my stomach churn and bile rise in my throat. My breathing picked up into near hyperventilation as I forced myself to move forward.

And almost like clockwork, the tail lights on the Volvo flamed red as he backed out of his parking space. I saw his eyes flicker to my face through the windshield, wide and aware. There was no way that he could have missed me. He had seen me, and he was running.

Suddenly, he was far away, too far, so far that I wouldn't catch him in time unless I made a run for it. I'd felt so close to him, and I didn't realize until now that he was pulling away that I was on the complete opposite side of the lot.

"Edward!" I screamed pathetically, slipping on the asphalt as I chased after the car that I knew so well. "Edward, please! Stop!"

"Bella." A voice that I recognized stopped me as I tripped and stumbled over the uneven pavement, my arm in his grasp. "Let him go."

"Jasper…why…What did you say to him?" I demanded, the rain mixing with the fresh tears spewing from my eyes like a broken faucet.

"I told him you were here, Bella. I couldn't fuck with him anymore." Jasper's eyes were sympathetic as he looked down at me. His hand was still wrapped around the top of my arm. "I know I told you I'd fix everything, but it just…it wasn't right."

I watched him as his navy blue eyes hardened, his blonde hair damp against his forehead. Thunder clapped as a bolt of lightening struck the ground in the distance, the earth rumbling beneath my feet. I wanted to be mad at Jasper. I wanted to hit him, and Alice, too. I wanted to scream at him for telling Edward I was there, for ruining my only chance. But my resolve collapsed as I realized that it was Edward who ultimately ran away. He didn't have to, but he still did.

"Oh, Jasper," I sobbed, letting my head drop against his chest. "He's gone now. He's not coming back."

Jasper hesitantly wrapped his arms around me, tightening them around my shoulders as realization sunk in. He rested his chin against the top of my head. "Maybe, Bella. But you'll be okay. I promise."

"I need to go," I said without emotion, breaking away from his hold. "I'm going home. Tell Alice not to be worried."

"I'm sorry, Bell," he sighed. "I wanted to make this right for you. For both of you guys. But he just…he just kind of freaked. Completely freaked the fuck out. I don't know what he expected. You couldn't just stay away forever." He was yelling over the sound of the pelting rain, even though we were right across from each other.

I couldn't stay away forever. But Edward wanted me to. And that was enough to tear open my chest and rip my heart out. I felt stupid for all the thoughts that had gone through my head when I first saw him sitting there in his car like a coward. I thought that if I could just get to that car, he would listen. If I could just see his face, everything would fall back into perfection. I knew it would be hard, and we would have to work at it, but eventually, everything would be okay. And now, I was the stupid one, standing in the fucking rain.

"I need to go," I repeated, turning on my heel. My truck was parked on the other side of campus in the other parking lot, and the rain almost hurt from falling so heavily.

"Let me drive you," Jasper offered, gesturing towards his car that was parked a few yards away.

We didn't speak as he drove me around the school. I was making puddles everywhere in his beautiful red car, but I couldn't see or pay attention to anything outside my mind. I though of how close I was, he near to him I was. And he'd sped off like I was Jessica fucking Stanley.

"You gonna be okay, Swan?" Jasper mumbled as he pulled up beside my ancient truck. I nodded quickly as I shut the door.

Death is peaceful, easy.

Life is harder.

*

EPOV

"Ready to go?"

Jesus. He was so god damn fucking persistent. Nagging was more like it.

"Dad, we'll be late for dinner. Can't this wait?"

Carlisle shook his head sternly, adjusting the straps of his backpack against his shoulders. "Nope. Get up. Turn off the TV. We're going, whether you like it or not."

"Fine, fine," I whined, pulling my ass off the couch that I so desperately wanted to remain on. "I'm coming. Just chill. I need to change."

Carlisle scratched his naked head, his eyes big and excited like a little kid. "You're fine in what you have on. Just put on some sneakers and let's go!"

I looked down at myself. I was wearing a black t-shirt and saggy-assed sweatpants along with the tube socks I'd lifted from Chief Swan the night I'd first snuck in. I'd worn them so often they had a hole in the toe. No way was I dressed for the hike.

"Come on!" he insisted, tossing a pair of boat shoes at me. "Put those on. Let's go before we lose daylight."

I groaned as I pulled on the ancient shoes that smelled like something died in them. I was pretty sure they had been Jasper's when he still wore things like boat shoes.

In all honesty, I was worried. I was afraid that I'd bring Dad to my place and I'd get the same reaction as I had nine years ago. Maybe the house was losing its magic. I'd brought…Bella—Jesus, her name was hard to say—there, and now look at what had happened. It was done, over, finished and without my consent.

Carlisle fell silent as we trudged through the woods, and I worried that he wasn't going to make it. He'd had three treatments of chemo thus far, and he was growing skinnier and more frail by the day. But my mind was quickly morphing, becoming more optimistic. There had to be a way. I had had a one-track mind, thinking only that Carlisle would die and Esme would be alone to take care of Em, Alice, and I. But as we walked together beneath the blanketing of trees, I had hope.

We had to stop a couple of times before we finally made it. I didn't like how heavily Carlisle's chest rose and fell, but he insisted that it was "nothing" and that we should keep going. I held my breath as the trees parted earlier than I had remembered, the familiar expanse of grass stretching before us.

"Well," I said, "this is it." I stopped on the edge of the forest near a bank of trees, watching my father's face as he looked up at the structure that was still very real. I hadn't been back since I'd come with Bella, and the setting that had once been warm and comfortable now terrified me. I had almost expected to find it destroyed, as it had been in my dream. I wasn't sure if I should be relieved that it still stood, virtually unscathed, or frightened that it could fall at any second.

"I don't know where to start," Carlisle sighed hesitantly, looking to me as he adjusted to straps on his light pack. "I thought I could come here and find all the answers, but honestly right now I'm kind of lost." He began to pace in the knee-high, wisping grass, a crease of worry forming between his eyebrows.

"Well what did you expect?" I asked, starting towards the porch.

"I'm not really sure," he answered thoughtfully. "I just figured that I could come here and immediately I could know everything about you. It's stupid, I know."

"It's not stupid," I said softly. "I understand what you mean."

"You do?"

"Sure," I shrugged. "It's the one place that I can hide. From, you know, everything. And now that you're here, you expect…more."

Carlisle chuckled. "You've hit the nail on the head, Ed."

"You rhymed," I smiled, gaining one from his in return. The stairs creaked beneath my weight as I climbed up them, leaning against the porch swing that had been a part of me. Emmett and I had sat there, dreaming, time after time. Bella had slept in my arms there. I had cried and laughed and fell in love white sitting in that fucking swing. And now that Carlisle sat beside me, rocking back and forth, I felt like it was complete. Everyone that I ever wanted to be there...had been. Maybe this was the missing piece. Maybe Carlisle couldn't feel it, and maybe only I could. I opened my mouth to say something before Carlisle interrupted my thoughts.

"You like this swing," he remarked. It wasn't a question, simply an observation.

"Yeah," I said. "I guess I kind of grew up on it."

"This swing should be at my house," he breathed, his face broken. "You should have been rocking on a swing on my porch. But instead I chased you away and made you come to some stranger's house so you could hide from me."

"You know, I used to think that that was the case. I used to see this house as like, some haven or something. Somewhere I could come to get away from everything, you know? But I don't think it's like that anymore. I don't think it was ever like that."

Carlisle's eyebrows pulled together. "What do you mean?"

"I always used this place as an excuse. My life has pretty much been that—a big, giant excuse. This house has been good to me. It knows me. I know I sound like a fruit loop or something like that, but it's true."

Carlisle laughed easily, rocking the swing with the toe of his sneaker.

"But I think that maybe I never really needed this place like I thought I did," I continued. "I used it as some sort of lifeline, like I had to be here to keep my sanity. But I would have been just fine without it."

"No thanks to me," he muttered.

"Water under the bridge," I declared dismissively. "What's done is done. All that matters…is that you're here. It means a lot to me. You might not have found what you're looking for, but I'm still glad you came."

"Even though I dragged your lazy ass off the couch to go on some crazy mountain trek with your weirdo father?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"Yes, against all odds. And, Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Watch the language."

Carlisle bellowed with laughter, ruffling my hair like I was eight again. The way we should have been.

*

The two of us stayed there until all of our light was almost used up. We talked about simple things, like Esme's tomato garden and Emmett trying for Varsity basketball captain. We talked about scarier things, like what it was like for Carlisle to return back to work and what he was and wasn't allowed to do there. He told me about chemo and how it really scared the shit out of him but he passed it off as no big deal.

"I'm scared, Edward," he'd said to me, his eyes earnest.

For the first time, I felt like…like Carlisle's father. I felt like the father he should have been to me, and it was so crazy and trippy and shit that I thought I would start crying like a prissy bitch. I comforted him the best that I could, listening to him tell me about how it felt and what it was doing to him. I tried to hold it together. This year was already screwing with my manhood way too much for my liking.

He moved on to a more difficult subject matter. That was a delicate way of putting it. Bella. The one person I'd tried to shove to the back of my mind and forget about. The one person who refused to be shoved around, even if it was in my own head.

"You should forgive her," Carlisle stated simply.

"What? Why?"

"Because she loves you. And you love her. So what's holding you back?" Carlisle's voice rose as he swung the chair faster, obviously distressed.

"I don't know," I growled, raking a hand through my hair. I didn't know. I kept running and I had no idea why.

"Be smart, Edward. Grow up." His voice was harsh now, and rather than getting offended, I knew he was right.

"I need to figure out how first, Dad."

"You can't learn to grow up, son. It just happens. You can't control it."

"I wish I could." My voice broke beneath the weight of my frustration.

"You're doing a good job. I mean it. You've far surpassed my expectations, Edward. I'm…well, I'm proud of you."

"You don't have to be nice. Don't flatter me or anything."

"It's not like that at all. You're maturing. You're learning. Hell, I'm still learning, and I haven't even got it all right yet. You've got to eventually figure out how to live and how to do it right. It's just a shame that I had to learn all of this on the verge of…not being here."

"Jesus, Dad," I cursed. "You're not going to die. Stop saying shit like that."

Carlisle clapped my knee. "I'm going to try, Edward. I'm going to try and fight. I'll do as well as I can. But I'm trying to be realistic, here."

My breath caught in my throat as I scanned his face for any trace of emotion. But all I could find was acceptance. "Don't fucking give up, Carlisle," I said, my voice hard and my eyes narrowed.

"I'm not, by any means," he promised, holding up his palms. "But I don't want you in any sort of predicament that I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving you permanently in. Just in case things are, you know, over for me."

I let out a shaky breath, leaning my cheek against my fist. "Just don't quit, okay?"

"I swear, I won't just quit on you, kiddo. I might have been flaky in the past, but never to that extent." He cracked an infectious grin, willing me to smile back.

I forced the edges of my lips up, but it still didn't heal me.

"But about Bella," he continued, despite my audible groan. "You can't quit on that. No, don't roll your eyes. I'm serious."

"Dad, you don't know what happened…"

"But I know enough," he insisted. "Don't be stupid. She loves you. She loves you! She loves you more than most married couples your mother and I are friends with. Normally, I wouldn't condone such a relationship. But you need her. You're a mess without her. And I can't take care of myself unless you take care of yourself."

"I don't know," I said reluctantly, rubbing my eyes with my knuckles. "She'll kick me."

"Ouch," he winced, laughing. "Esme used to punch. And throw things."

I chuckled in spite of myself, cooking up loads of mental images of Esme beating the crap out of Carlisle in a PMS-induced bitch fit. But my laughter died off quickly, my mouth straightening into a hard line after I realized the intensity of the decision I'd have to make. "What if it's too late?" I whispered, looking toward him.

"It's never too late," he insisted. "It might seem that way, but if you really love her, you can find a way."

"Did you get that from a movie?" I snickered, dodging his palm as he reached to nudge me.

"I'm being serious, Ed. Make it happen."

Make it happen.

Maybe I would.

But was there still a chance? Even a small one?

Maybe not.

But I'd have to try.

*

A/N: loophole? methinks YES. we'll see how i choose to play it. i make all of this shit up spontaneously and hope that it works. reviews make me giddy. i only have five of them, so please add to that. love :)