A/N: Song for this chapter is Fever by the Black Keys, because I have a sick sense of humor. (and a terrible one, apparently)
Warnings: Also, this chapter has some vague medical stuff with needles (spinal taps , and IV's and blood draws). If that triggers you, or if you just don't like reading about it, turn away for the entire Cara POV portion of this chapter, and ask me to tell you. Just a heads up.
It was very bright.
He wasn't quite sure where he was.
Cara was sitting next to him as he lay in bed, just as bright as the rest of the room, shining like a star.
She extended a hand, gently running her thumb over his cheek. Her fingers were cold on his skin. He caught her hand.
"Cara."
"Hey, James," she whispered.
"What are you doing here?"
"You're screaming again," she said. "You don't need to be afraid."
"This is a dream."
"Yeah."
"This isn't real."
"That's debatable."
"I should wake up."
"If you want to."
"I don't. It's better here."
She smiled. "You don't need to be afraid."
"What if they come for me? What if you get hurt?"
"You are the Winter Soldier. You can keep one person safe."
"You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen," he murmured.
She laughed.
He frowned. "What's so funny?"
"You're trying to be romantic."
"Oh. Am I that bad at it?"
"Yes."
"You know, I didn't used to be."
"I know, James."
"I didn't used to be... This."
"I know."
"Would you have loved me then? If you had met me when I was all Bucky, not whatever I am now, would you have loved me?"
"I don't know," she said quietly.
"I would have thought you were beautiful then too."
She gave another laugh. "You'd never say this aloud."
"But I think it."
"What else do you think about?"
"That I'm afraid of falling."
"And?"
"I think I'm falling for you."
She laughed again. "James Barnes, all the more reason to keep me alive."
"Cara, I'm scared. I'm so scared. What if I can't keep them away? Please. I can't lose you. And I can't go back to what I was. I can't be theirs again. I can't. I can't."
"Shh. I'm here." She pushed his hair from his face.
"I can't go back to what I was. I don't want to lose myself again. I can't lose myself again."
"I'm here. You sleep. I'm here."
He shut his eyes, her ghostly presence never moving from his side.
He could hear her, and maybe it wasn't Cara, maybe the dream had chose her voice specifically for him, but she was there, everywhere, nowhere, whispering.
"You know, there are always three options when you dream about the fall. Sometimes, you wake up. Sometimes, the fall kills you, breaks you. But there is a third alternative. Isn't there always a third alternative? Sometimes, you fly. Which one are you going to choose, James? Because you are going to have to choose. We all have to choose."
It was the first dream in a long time that did not completely ruin him.
He had had enough of those.
Cara had lied to Bucky.
Cara didn't sleep at all.
She did a routine security check (several times. It wasn't like she was paranoid. But she did not want an unpleasant surprise when Bucky could barely move). She read through his files (although she never made it very far into his missions, or exactly how they wiped his memory. It made her feel sick, and angry. Very angry). She tried to convince him to drink something, but that always ended with one of them pissed off (dear God, he was stubborn. Was he like this before? It almost made her laugh to imagine a young Bucky stubbornly refusing to do anything). She didn't even try to get him to eat anything.
Sometimes he would wake up. Sometimes, when he did, he would talk to her. Tell her that he thought that the war wouldn't last long, that they'd be out in a few months, and that it was fine he was enlisting, he'd be back home with her in less than a year. Once, he started talking to her about his family, about his mom and dad, and how his dad was in the army, and been off training when he had been born. He told her about his sister, Rebecca, and how she had found a stupid cat and named it after him. He told her about his mom, and how she had been so worried when he came home telling her he was shipping out.
Cara would listen, smiling and nodding, not showing how much she felt like her heart was breaking with every word. Not showing how she wondered if it would be better if he forgot all of this when he truly woke up. The way he talked about them. It would kill him to know that that they were all long gone. This was what he was like before his fall. This is what they took from him.
It hurt.
Ellis didn't come back until late that night. When she opened the door, looking out cautiously, her stomach dropped. He looked rather exhausted already, and he wasn't alone.
"I thought you promised not to tell anyone," she hissed at him.
"This is Claire Temple. She's a nurse, and I need her help."
Cara suddenly felt years younger, glaring at him like she always did when she was a child. "But you promised-" "
Cara, you can yell at me later," he said, cutting her off. "But I am here to work. And I need Claire's help. If you forgot, it's been several years since I've actually done clinic work, and I'm out of practice."
Cara glanced at the nurse still wearing scrubs, holding a bag on her shoulder. The woman crossed her arms, staring her down bravely, and Cara felt some sort of grudging respect forming already. Faintly, she hoped that her judgement of people was not so far gone that she was placing Bucky's life in the hands of someone who would betray them.
"Can I trust you?"
"I could say the same thing," Temple said. "Why aren't you going to a hospital?"
"Bad things would happen," she said, not feeling in the mood to explain that Bucky would probably make a scene (not by any fault of his own), and that would probably end with someone, probably her and Bucky, getting shot.
Temple sighed. "I find an old man breaking into the hospital to steal medical equipment, and suddenly I'm helping him save the life of a someone refusing to go to the hospital. What have I gotten myself into?"
Cara didn't answer, glancing briefly at Ellis, who nodded slowly, before she spun around, leaving the door wide open for them, walking back to Bucky's room.
She heard Ellis whisper to Claire, as they followed her, "Don't worry. These are good people."
Bucky was still asleep.
"The files you wanted are there," Cara said, waving at the pile paper beside the bed, as she sat down beside Bucky. He opened his eyes, the motion of the bed sinking slightly waking him. He looked up at her.
"I've read through some of them. The arm was replaced in 2012. It was an extensive surgery. He's been in and out of cryo for the past fifty years or so, and there has only been one other recorded incident of him getting sick, in '74. It was nothing like this. There is no connection."
"Huh," Ellis said, looking thoughtful. He picked up a file and looked through it. "Hello, James. 97 years old. Impressive. You're looking good for your age."
"97?" Temple asked, flipping through another one, and looking between it and Bucky. "Shit. He's been through hell."
"Understatement," Cara murmured. Bucky was still staring up at her, oblivious to the conversation next to him. She knew he wouldn't remember this, or would convince himself that it was a dream.
Ellis nodded again. "We're going to do the tap now. Draw blood after that. See where we are. I'll look through the tests when I get home, and call you later."
"Have you put him on anything?" Temple said.
"Your basic anti-inflammatory medication, nothing fancy," Ellis said.
She looked at Cara. "Has he been taking those okay?"
"Define 'okay'," Cara said dryly.
"Help me sit him up," Ellis said, as Temple moved on one side. Cara moved so that she sat in front of him, pulling him up, holding him steady as he swayed. She turned him so that his back was to Ellis and Temple, turning herself so that she still faced him.
"James. Are you paying attention to me?"
He gave her a confused look. "What's happening?"
"They need to check some fluid in your spine. They're going to put in a needle, and it's going to hurt, but I'm right here. Promise me you won't hurt them. Or me." She slid her hands into his arms, firmly keeping him from being able to lash out, nodding at Ellis to hurry up.
"I don't know what's happening."
"Listen. Listen to my voice."
His head sunk into her shoulder, holding onto her tightly.
Ellis looked up speaking slowly. "I'm going to count to three, and you're going to feel something sharp. Alright? Ready? One. Two. Three." He began to push the anesthetic needle into his back. Bucky fingers tightened on her hips, before moving to her shoulder blades. His eyes were tightly shut.
"You're doing great," Cara said. He snarled something (something along the lines shut up, your don't have a goddamn needle in your spine, don't you patronize me). Ellis pulled the needle out, as Temple handed him the bigger one, the real one.
"Right. You're going to feel some pressure now, Mr. Barnes," Ellis said. "Get comfortable. This isn't going to be pleasant."
Bucky groaned. Cara let her eyes drift to where Ellis was inserting the needle. She had to look away quickly. Bucky's arm creaked as he tensed, and for a second, she was afraid he'd lash out. When he didn't, after a moment of consideration, Cara let go of it reaching up to run her fingers through his hair. He responded by lifting his head up to stare at her. She gave him a small smile, resting her forehead on his.
"Hey," she whispered.
"Hey," he said back.
"You're looking slightly better, you know."
"That's good."
"You still seeing your ghosts?"
"I don't know. Girl's there, on the end of the bed. She's laughing at you. I hear Steve. Is Steve here?"
"No.""Good. He'd punch me if he knew I pushed you."
"Nah. He probably laugh. He'd think it's funny we know each other."
He looked at her. "Do you know him?"
Wait. Shit, no. Backtrack.
"I... I know of him. From what you've said."
"No. You know him."
She looked sharply back up Ellis, who gave her a brief glance.
Before she couldn't anything, she heard him murmur, shutting his eyes. "Tell him this was so much worse than Coney Island."
She blinked, giving a small laugh. "Okay."
He was silent for a long time. She almost thought he fell asleep, if not for his occasional movements, his fingers twitching on her side, his unsteady breathing.
"Fox?" He said suddenly.
"Hmm?"
"We still on for dancing?"
"Yeah. Whatever you want," she said, glaring at a smirking Ellis.
"Good."
"When did these plans happen, Cali?" Ellis said. "I seemed to recall you hating dancing."
"Shut up," she said. "I wouldn't mind dancing, if it's with Bucky." She felt his hands tighten on her again.
"The right partner," he said to himself, distantly. He was quoting someone. He was remembering something again.
Cara smiled him. "Something like that."
Ellis chose that moment to have a violent coughing fit that didn't quite hide his laughter. Temple simply shook her head, although there was a small smile on her face as well.
"There," Ellis said, as the needle gave slightly. "Almost done."
"Hey," she whispered into Bucky's ear. "You're okay. It wasn't that bad."
He gave her a dark look. "Cara Fox, you don't know what you're talking about."
She laughed. "No, I do, and you're overreacting. It really isn't that bad."
"You've had one?" He said in surprise.
"A few."
"Oh. Sorry."
"Don't be," she said. He leaned on her shoulder again.
"We're done," Ellis said. "He can lie down now. I have a few more tests."
Bucky collapsed to the side almost immediately, taking Cara down with him. Ellis had another suspiciously mirthful coughing fit. She sat up, glaring at him again, as he pulled out a small instrument, one that looked like a scanner. As he held it above Bucky's head, it made a beeping noise, and he looked down at the screen in concern, shaking his head.
"What's that?" Cara said, moving Bucky's arm so that she could sit up. He turned onto his back, closing his eyes again.
"Portable CAT scan. I may have bribed one of SHIELD's bright young science officers to obtain it. The two brightest, actually."
"But SHIELD's go-"
"Destroyed, yes. At least, the old one. You of all people should know that things can be reborn from the ashes." He gave Bucky a pointed look. Cara felt her hand land on his metal arm protectively, despite the fact that she knew Ellis had read the files, and knew who he was.
"Anyways," Ellis continued. "Your friend here seems to have some swelling in his brain. Encephalitis, like I thought. The puncture was to see what's causing it, so we can treat it. Claire here smuggled me some antiviral meds we'll start him on some just to be safe. But there was also some unusual neural pathways. Very simply, his mind was rewritten. And he's reforming all those old connections, while maintaining the new ones. I don't envy him."
Cara ran her fingers through Bucky's hair. "What do I do?"
"He's going to have to deal with his mind on his own. It's not causing his symptoms. It's simply something that needs to happen, and not something any of us can help with. That's his own battle. As for his physical illness, we'll start treating him now for the encephalitis. Keep him on acetaminophen. He's drinking, right?"
"Yes. But he's been fighting me on it."
"Eating?"
"No."
"If his serum is anywhere close to what they used on Rogers, it increased his metabolism and appetite. He needs to eat," Ellis said. He looked at Claire. "You feel in the mood to draw some blood and start an IV?"
"I have nothing better to do," Temple said, already pulling on some gloves, and reaching into her bag for the needles. She glanced down at the arm closest to her. "But I don't think it's going to work on metal, and I really don't want him to tear the IV out."
The bed was against wall, no place for an IV pole on the other side. The tube would have to cross his body, and would be way easier for him to "tear out" if he thrashed because of a nightmare.
"It'll be okay," Cara said. "I'll watch him. He'll be fine."
"Cara, at some point, you are going to have to get some rest," Ellis said. "You can't watch him forever."
"I slept this morning, I'll be fine."
He gave her a doubtful look. "Sure. Okay. Give him this," Ellis said, wisely dropping the, pulling out two clear, plastic, orange bottles and handing her one. "Low grade sedatives might work to keep him tired." He handed her the other. "These are the antiviral pills. One every six hours."
She nodded. "Claire, we'll draw blood, get IV set up, and then we'll leave."
Claire nodded, and she took his nonmetal hand, turning his arm over and looking for a good vein from which to draw blood, as Cara held the other one down.
After a moment, she leaned down, pressing her forehead against Bucky's.
"You're okay," she whispered. "You don't need to be afraid. Everything's going to be okay. I'm here."
He was too far into his dreams to hear her.
A/N: I'm editing this at like midnight. There are bound to be typos, sorry.
No Matt Murdock cameos (yet. let's see how long I can go before I lose my mind), but even better, we have some pre-Daredevil Claire taking care of dorky cute heroes refusing to go to hospitals.
If you can spot the other (admittedly not Marvel, but DC/Vertigo) very minor cameo, kudos. I just got Fables & Reflections today (what am I 21 years late on that one?). The entire dream is a reference I'm definitely coming back to, hopefully in more detail, because reasons. As usual, no knowledge needed. I'll just be here commandeering characters for my own sadistic purposes.
Repeating the disclaimer. Medical science things is hard, man. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't really know how long a spinal tap takes. I was just making stuff up. House is not accurate, but it teaches me things. There is the possibility that I'll be coming around and rewriting this if my information was too inaccurate. Thanks.
Tell me if I need to put the chapter summary here, or if you just need me to explain it in comments/PM. Your wish is my command.