Chapter 20

The sunlight claps the earth,

And the moonbeams kiss the sea:

What are all these kissings worth,

If thou kiss not me?

Percy Bysshe Shelley

Spiritless he picked at the porridge sitting in front of him, not really having the feeling he could swallow anything.

Gilbert lifted his free arm to rest his elbow on the table, his face cradled in his palm.

What another dull day.

He had hoped speaking to Matthew would somehow ease his pain, and take some of the dark feelings away from him. Instead all it did take was the last hope that had still burned somewhere in the depths of his soul.

Fortunately his father was so engrossed in his newspaper that he didn't notice his son's moping.

Without moving his head, Gilbert looked at him when a low chuckle escaped John Blythe's mouth, and saw him shaking his head.

"Did you come up with this nonsense?" He asked his son without tearing his gaze off the paper.

"Huh? What nonsense?" Gilbert replied indifferently.

"Didn't you use to write for the Newspaper too?"

"So? You know I haven't written anything since I came home."

He shook his head again, "I just don't understand you young people. This could have come from your pen as well. I wouldn't understand it either way."

"Uh-huh", Gilbert rolled his eyes before returning his attention to the greyish pulp before him.

"'Summer's forecast; July will bring much more raspberries than ever before, due to all the spotless ladybugs flying around.' What's that supposed to mean?"

"WHAT?" Gilbert dropped the spoon into the bowl, and ripped the newspaper rather rudely out of his father's hands.

"Gilbert! I was reading this!"

He skimmed the page a second and third time before throwing the newspaper onto the table, oblivious to his father's startled face. Gilbert sprang to his feet, dashing through kitchen and hall until he reached their door.

"Gilbert! Didn't you said you would-" John Blythe was cut off by the bang of the door.

Without taking a break, Gilbert ran as fast as his feet would carry him, only outraced by the pace of his thoughts.

He had to see her immediately.

There was no way he misunderstood that. There was no way this line wasn't meant for him. Who else would link ladybugs to raspberries? Nobody! This was their secret! And only they knew about it. Anne wanted to tell him something. He just didn't know what. Maybe that she would hear him out now, and give him the chance to apologize. Maybe even that she was ready to forgive him!

He was only a few hundred yards away from their spot on the big meadow, as he realized that maybe he should have simply gone to Green Gables first. Gilbert hadn't lost one thought about where he was heading, his feet had simply carried him. Or was it his heart?

But now that he was so close, he had to finish his journey anyhow. He could always turn around and make his way to Green Gables, if she wouldn't be here.

But she was.

Gilbert slowed down as he perceived the first flicker of her crème-white blouse against the apple tree. Now that his feet stopped their racing, he was suddenly all the more aware of his heart - pounding so fast and hard against his ribcage that he feared it might free itself any moment.

He tried to swallow the lump in his throat and keep his thoughts together. This was his chance. The last one he would ever get. He had to make things alright between them again.

Anne's lips curled and she looked down at her fingers playing with a grass stalk, as her ears perceived the faint sound shoes caused stepping on grass. So he had read. And he had found her.

Her heart made a jump and she closed her eyes for one moment, trying to control her anxiety.

She could feel his warm presence even before he uttered the first word.

"Anne", he spoke in a soft voice, not sure of how to behave around her after their fight, and after what he'd just read.

But the way he said it, it sounded like 'Hello', like 'Please, forgive me' and like 'I missed you' to her ears, causing her body to tingle in anticipation.

Anne did her best to sound as calm as possible, while her heart wanted to jump out of her chest and finally find his. "Did Marilla tell you where I am?"

"I- I wasn't at Green Gables…" Hesitantly he took another step towards her, and then sat cautiously down beside her, looking for any sign of her objection. But Anne only kept staring at the grass between her fingers.

So he had simply known where to find her? Anne tried to control her hope and not burst with love.

For some moments they simply sat there in silence, both waiting for the other to say something. Gilbert thought she wanted to get something off her soul. Otherwise she wouldn't have written these lines, would she?

But Anne didn't dare to say anything. This was the first time she was so close to him, since realization had hit her after nine years. And suddenly her arm burned where it brushed his, and she felt so self-aware of everything she said and did, even every breath she took. And one part of her wanted him to leave and end her agony, whereas the other half wanted him to come so much closer.

"I… I read the newspaper…" He finally whispered, looking at her.

"I thought so", Anne replied and hated herself for sounding so reserved.

"Anne", without warning he reached out and touched one of her fiddling hands. Her heart stopped beating for one moment, and she slowly lifted her head, meeting his eyes for the first time today. "I'm sorry. For everything I did … and said. It was not right of me to-"

"No", she interrupted him, shaking her head. Hadn't he realized that she was the one who made all the mistakes? "You don't need to apologize. It was all my fault. I started it."

"But I'm not angry, Anne. There's nothing to forgive."

"So… are we good then?" She tried to tear her gaze off his face, but his mesmerizing eyes made it hard for her to leave.

Gilbert smiled this warm smile of his, thousand stones falling off his chest, "Yes", he squeezed her hand lightly before letting go, and Anne couldn't help but feeling suddenly so empty without this warm contact.

So, was that how it would all turn out? She wanted to be relieved that she could finally apologize. She wanted to be happy that they were finally friends again. But nothing inside her was relieved or happy. She had imagined this all differently.

When realization had hit her two days ago, she knew she had to somehow let him know. She had to let him know that she loved him too, and that she wanted to be with him.

She hadn't thought of this line as a simple apology as she would apologize to Diana or Marilla. She had thought of it as the beginning of something big, of something world-shaking. She had only searched for a way to see him again, to let him know that she missed him. And once they would meet, she would have been supposed to reveal him her heart.

But after the first waves of epiphany had rushed over her – filling her with enthusiasm and hope - doubts had started creeping up on her again.

She still didn't know if Gilbert really loved her at all. She had said so herself. And even if he had loved her truly, how could he still after she rejected and treated him so badly? There was no way he could still desire to make her his wife.

And what if she wasn't truly in love with him? What if she misunderstood this affection for love? How did one even know this at all?

And what if they were both in love with each other? That wasn't the guarantee it would be a wise idea to change their relationship! What if they would fail, and then they would go separate ways for good? How should she live with losing Gilbert forever?

Anne suddenly realized how long none of them had spoken a word, and wondered if Gil was just being as tormented as she was.

Hesitantly she turned her face towards him, expecting to see him deep in thoughts and concern, but he didn't look like any of those things. Instead he seemed like the most carefree man in the world, as he stared at some invisible spot before him, smiling to himself!

Anne couldn't believe her eyes! Why was he smiling when she was going through this hell?

"What are you smiling at?" She asked irritated.

Startled he looked at her, his smile only widening, "Am I?"

Oh, she wished she could wipe that handsome smile off his face! The nerves of this boy!

She didn't even need to give him an answer. "Well," he moved his shoulders up and down, his arms lying casually on his knees, "I was just… I understand now."

"You… understand now." She repeated more to herself than him, trying to grasp the meaning of this. "What is it, that you understand?"

Gilbert flashed her a lopsided grin, "You."

"Me?" She almost shrieked and cleared her throat immediately, trying to appear as serene as possible. How did he mean that? Could he read her thoughts? Had she somehow given away that she was in love with him? Anne had no idea how one gave that away. She had never been in love before!

Gilbert simply nodded, his smile tearing at her patience.

"How… do you mean that?" She eyed him suspiciously, her heart hammering wildly.

"Well…" Gilbert tore his gaze off her and looked ahead once again, "I understand now, that you are simply afraid of losing people. That's why you rather push them away yourself."

Anne's jaw dropped. She had expected many things, but this was none of them.

"So… I will simply stay."

"Excuse me?" Again her voice sounded shriller than she had intended to, and she hated this boy for having such influence on her heart, and her body, and even her voice.

Gilbert met her eyes, his hazel ones capturing her grey-green orbs, waiting some moments before he spoke. Anne swallowed hard at his intense gaze, the attempt to look away pointless.

"I will simply stay. As whatever you need me", he finally stated in a firm voice. "If you need someone to challenge you, I will. If you need someone to talk to, I will be your friend. If you…" His eyes flickered, his voice losing its calmness, "I will simply stay. As whatever you need me."

Anne needed some moments to process his words. What did he mean by that? He had wished to marry her once, and now he was her wishing-well, or what? She didn't want him to be just 'whatever'! She wanted him to be hers!

And she had ruined it all!

"So, so you mean, you will be my friend?" She asked as unaffected as she could manage. He shouldn't hear her disappointment and pain.

How good that she hadn't revealed him her feelings! How embarrassing that would have been!

"I already told you, Anne," his voice was lower now, husky even, "Whatever you want me to."

Anne groaned and sprang to her feet, startling him. "What- what statement is that? Can't you just speak in a normal and clear way to me?"

Slowly he stood up as well, his height intimidating Anne. She gulped and unconsciously made one step backwards.

"But I thought I made myself clear."

"No, you did not! Why can't you just say that you want to be nothing but friends with me!" She crossed her arms in front of her chest, determined to not let him know of how broken her heart and hope were right now.

"You want me to lie, Anne?" He asked in this deep voice which made her even angrier, because it always managed to get under her skin and trail it with goosebumps.

"No. I want it simply to be the truth." She sounded like a defiant little child by now, she knew. And she hated herself for that. Gilbert even more.

He let out a small chuckle at her stubborn reaction, used to her fighting off every emotion. "You know I don't have this kind of control, Anne."

Why did his voice have to sound so tender and understanding, when she was acting like some Xanthippe?

"Of course you have."

"Anne…" Gilbert knit his brow, her behaviour was slowly confusing him. First she wanted to apologize and make up to him, and now she wanted to push him away with such a force?

It's not as if she wouldn't have known before that he had feelings for her. "Why is this bothering you so much?"

"It is NOT bothering me!"

He felt a brief flicker of hope inside his soul. This couldn't be. He must… But… Gilbert made one step towards her.

"I already promised to be your friend. So why is this upsetting you so much? You already knew I…" He didn't even dare to speak this aloud. But he had to know it now. "Your feelings haven't changed… Have they?"

Anne let out something between a groan and a whimper, "No."

It wasn't exactly a lie, was it? Since she had always loved him and only needed one decade to figure it out herself.

But this just wasn't the way it was supposed to be. He shouldn't just want her in whichever way. He should want her in only one. So maybe he never really wanted her at all!

Gilbert studied her flushed face, his heart increasing its beat with every second. Her 'No' had sounded more like a question than a statement. Something had changed.

And it made her look even more irresistible than ever before.

He closed the distance between them. Anne forced herself to not meet his eyes and stared at his chest instead. But then she only kept thinking about the heart beating inside, which was even worse than his hazel eyes.

"So…" he whispered, looking down at her, feeling how he slowly lost control over what he was doing.

"Since you are not in love with me…" he licked his lips, "… you wouldn't feel anything if I would kiss you, right?"

Her head shot up, fear, uncertainty, but even hope sparkling in her green eyes. "But-" she made another step back, squirming under his steady gaze. "But you wouldn't do that." This time, there was no doubt it was a question, no objection.

"Oh", Gilbert couldn't help it as a small smile curled his lips, hope slowly flowing through his veins, "Wouldn't I."

He closed the distance between them once more, and Anne reached her hands out to his shirt, her first intention to keep him away from her, but all she ended up doing was keeping him in place.

She couldn't tell if it was anxiety or anticipation that was rushing through her body in such a force, that she had the feeling she would faint any moment. Her heart pounding in such a fierce and loud way, that she was afraid it would reveal her right in front of him.

He looked at her, slowly leaning in, so close already that she could feel his breath tickling her skin. Before she could decide if she should run away, or scream, or simply keep him from doing whatever it was he wanted to do in any other way, he brought her racing thoughts to an abrupt halt.

Gilbert pressed his soft warm lips to the corner of her mouth, her fists clenching the fabric of his shirt, her mind nothing but a blur of wishes and feelings swimming around.

She almost let out a whimper as he parted from her.

"And…?" he whispered, still so close that his breath was kissing her mouth.

Her eyes closed, Anne shook her head, as if she would really believe she could still convince him of her non-existent feelings.

Soon his lips brushed the other corner, sending shivers up and down her spine. His mouth so tantalizing feathery that it maddened her.

She had never felt something like this ever before. It was as if someone would erase all your thoughts and all your feelings, until nothing remained but his ardent firmness on her mouth, spreading a magic warmth through her body until it reached every secret corner inside.

Gilbert watched her for some moments after breaking the kiss, trying to regain control over his thoughts again. Tenderly he brushed his thumb across her cheek.

"Anne", he whispered as soft as one would whisper to wake someone, and slowly her eyelashes fluttered open, her grey-green orbs staring confused into his.

He lifted his arms and embraced her small fists, still resting upon his chest, with his hands.

"Say you don't love me, Anne", he whispered, the thumb caressing her skin driving her crazy. But even more haunting was this inexpressible yearning to feel his mouth against hers again.

"I… I…" She was completely lost. And confused. And afraid. If she would fall now, she knew she would never find her way out again.

Gilbert read her heart in her eyes, saw her fear. Gently he untangled her fingers from his shirt, and moved her hands down - there where his heart was racing underneath - pressing her palms flat against his chest, his on top of hers.

Astonished she looked at their entwined fingers, felt the fierce gallop of his heart beneath, and the untameable butterflies wheeling inside of her.

"Anne," He managed in his firmest voice, and yet she could hear all his emotions shining through, "It's beating for you ever since the day you broke your slate over my head. It never did for anybody else. And I know it never will for anybody but you."

He encircled her fingers, his warmth and gentleness melting her heart. How should she resist him this way?

"Gil, I…" She gulped, it was so hard to object when she only wanted to be close to him. But there was always this voice of fear inside her, keeping her from letting him near, "It doesn't matter what I feel…"

"It doesn't matter what you feel? How can you say such a thing, Anne?" He looked taken aback at her.

"Because, because…" she dropped her gaze, she couldn't bear his hands and eyes. "We would fight…"

"So, sometimes we will. Just as we do as friends too, Anne. Isn't it good to have someone who challenges us? Would you end our friendship just because we don't always share the same opinion?"

"No!" She lifted her head, "Of course not!" Anne felt her cheeks turning crimson, "But, but, if you have these feelings since so long, Gil. How do you know they won't cease once…"

"Anne!" Slowly he began to understand how her mind was working. Realizing that it wasn't lacking love which kept her from accepting him, but all her doubts and fears of loss, "You are not some trophy I wanted to win."

"Oh…" Should this be a compliment?

"You are a treasure I want to keep. And cherish."

She felt her heart fluttering fiercely at his words. He was making it harder and harder for her to keep her walls upright.

Gilbert removed his hands from hers, gently cupping her face in them, caressing her skin with his thumbs.

"If you don't love me, Anne, I will never approach this again. I promise. You just have to tell me you don't love me."

"I… I…" She swallowed hard, searching for an escape. He was arousing so many feelings in her, that it scared her to death.

"What… what if we would try, and fail, and then we could never be friends again?" she blurted out.

Gilbert smiled, "First off, we won't fail", he closed the distance between them, pressing his lips against hers. Anne felt her body responding to it, noticed how her face lifted on its own accord up to his, trying to intensify their touch.

"Secondly", he breathed against her lips, "I couldn't live without you."

He wanted to kiss her again, but this time Anne was stronger than her desire, and she shoved him away with her hands, "And what, what if you only think you are in love with me, and once you really get to know me, you realize you are not?"

Gilbert chuckled, closing the gap between them again and taking her hands in his, "Now this is one of the silliest things I've ever heard, Anne." He removed one hand to brush a strand of hair off her cheek, lingering on her skin. "Know you better than I already do?" His hazel eyes stared right into her soul. "I am in love with every Anne you carry inside of you."

He gently kissed her forehead, his hands encircling hers once more.

"I am in love with that Anne, who broke a slate over my head, and refused to speak to me for years."

His lips travelled down to her temple.

"I am in love with that Anne, who challenged me like no one else ever did, and no one else ever could."

Gilbert kissed her cheek.

"I am in love with that Anne, who became my best friend. Who makes me laugh like nobody else can, who understands the things even before I utter them, and who knows me better than anybody ever will."

He kissed the tip of her nose.

"I am in love with that Anne, who is the most beautiful, enchanting, caring, intelligent, fanciful, unique girl in this world."

He withdrew mere inches to look at her. Her closed eyes, blushed cheeks and rosy lips a sight he just couldn't withstand any longer.

Gilbert slowly leaned in, claiming her lips with his, more firmly and demanding than before. A surprised moan left her mouth against his, encouraging him enough to let go of her hands and encircle her waist instead, drawing her closer into him.

Her hands, suddenly abandoned and restless, travelled up to his arms in search for something to hold on to. What maybe was foolish, because Anne had the feeling he would wash her away completely.

Gilbert tilted his head so he had even better access to her lips, engulfing them completely, his warm mouth making her feel things she hadn't even known existed. With every touch between them, every spark meeting her, she felt how her legs lost all their steadiness and she her trust in them. Finally she granted her hands to continue their journey up his arms, until they found their way around his neck and soft curly hair, encircling him to keep her knees from giving way.

While he teased and explored her soft lips, Anne clung onto him, afraid of what would happen once he would break their touch. She didn't want him to leave. As long as his lips sealed hers, there was nothing she would have to think of. Only feel.

One more time he covered her mouth with his, before withdrawing gingerly, his soft eyes looking tensely at her.

"Gil", she breathed, her eyes too shy to meet his hazel ones. How could she ever look at him again, after what he had just made her feel?

"Huh?" One hand travelled from her back to her face, caressing her smooth faint skin right beside her lips, finding it incredible hard to not kiss her for some moments.

"This… is scaring me a little…" she admitted quietly.

Gilbert watched her, feeling nothing but love and pride for her to finally admit her fears. If she was feeling only half of the things he felt ever since he fell in love with her, he knew how overwhelming and terrifying it was. Scaring how much power one person had over you.

"Anne…" he whispered, placing his fingers under her chin so she was forced to meet his eyes. "We don't have to rush anything", he smiled, "We can still be friends. I want you to feel comfortable around me."

"Gil", she interrupted him with a bashful smile, her love for him filling every fiber of her body, causing it to tingle with pure bliss. "If we would be friends… would you stop… kissing me?"

Gilbert knit his brow, confused about where her thoughts had led, "I-"

"Because… I don't think I would feel comfortable with that", she finished and blushed.

A grin appeared on Gil's face, "Anne, I know I said it before, but I-"

"Please", she brought her fingers up to his lips, silencing him, "This time, let me say it first", she whispered sheepishly. It might be that she was afraid of this, but fear had kept her from happiness too long.

"Gilbert Blythe, I realized how utterly blind and stupid I've been the last years, to fight something as strong as you cause to my heart. I… I love you."

She fought to keep her eyes on his, instead of cowardly dropping her gaze, "I am so in love with you, that it scares me like nothing else ever scared me, and I came to see that I have always been in love with you, and nevertheless I treated you so poorly like nobody – but least of all you - would ever deserve, and I have no idea how-"

This time it was him who silenced her, but Gilbert preferred his lips to hands.

One decade he had waited for this moment, and still he couldn't really believe it, her warm sweet lips against his the only evidence he had. Really, the only evidence he needed.

She could feel his smile against her mouth, warmth rushing restlessly through her body, until it settled down in her stomach.

Anne raised herself on tiptoes, her fingers moving from his neck to his cheeks, having the desire to bring him even closer to her than he already was. Or simply keeping him from ever leaving again.

A smile curled her lips as well, as she realized the significance of this moment.

She had just found him.

Him.

She astonished Gilbert as she removed her lips from his for one moment, pressing them tenderly to his cheek, before she returned to his mouth again, two smiles meeting.

AN: No, this is not the final chapter, yet. I just thought I should mention that, because it's always rather awkward, when you're listening to a concert and the music trails off, people starting to clap their hands and then suddenly they play/sing again and everyone is thinking, "Uh… how embarrassing…" ^^ So, I will let you know once it is the End ;D

RHrGreatness: LoL! I can see you're already working on that increase-my-age-thing because imagining you in slo mo running through that field, then stopping abruptly to turn around and get something to eat… xD (It reminds me of Wolf ^^)

Seriously, saying this about her realization is the best gift you could have given me. I mean, I love the book version, it's the original. But still, as you say, somehow it implies that she wouldn't realize her feelings until it's TOO late. And that's… sad…

So… *totally nervous* *biting nails* are you clapping and grinning a goofy (uh, daffy) grin just as Gil is while encoring Anne? *pleasepleaseplease*

SailorLeia: Of course, I'm just getting warmed up *rolls up sleeves* ;D Senshi sister, I can't express my thankfulness for all your encouraging-making-me-blush words and feedback. Just imagine me as a rolling ball of thankfulness. That's me right now! But how is one supposed to write on that story when you distract me with all your gifts so! And you know what? Since Gil made you so eager, I'm just going to tell Toki he has to lock two certain someones *coughoneofthemisyoucough* up in his closet and there they can do with their muddy hands what they want ;)

Amybf19: Happy to read that! :D

Hediru: It looks like you stumbled over it right on time ;) Thank you for your kind words!