The Heart of a Broken Soul
Of Doubt and Regret
A/N: My reviewers; Bunnygal83, Venetiangrl92, Well I Don't Mind, chikkafreak, liiddee, Ashley, chibslover and Kelsey. You're all the best!
Now, this story is starting to come to a close. I give it around 5 or so more chapters. Possibly closer to 10. But you are all - regrettably - forewarned. :)
Filip didn't have too many regrets. He didn't have as many doubts. Of course, every now and then he'd wonder if he'd made the right choice with Gabby.
He didn't doubt his love for her. A million, million girls in the world, and she was the only one who was able to conquer his love for Fiona. He both loathed and loved her for it, because every now and then he would remember his feisty Irish wife. Her name; her face. He would remember their daughter – his daughter – with a stab of pain that was enough to bring tears to his eyes. What kind of person was he, that he would forget his own family? That he would give up on his wife for a sweet, innocent girl, ten years younger than him? A child.
What kind of a person was he?
It was times like this, when Filip found himself drowning in a constricting pit of doubt, thinking up excuses to put Gabby on a better path. Away from him, away from the club.
He sat and he wondered all this as he watched a boy through the diner window. Gabby was due to finish any minute now. He needed to talk to her, tell her things that he didn't want to say.
The boy in question was being served by Gabby, and he was flirting with her. Even from so many feet away Filip could tell, because any guy that cracks onto a girl knows it must be done in such an obvious way that anyone and everyone would know.
Still, knowing that the boy was flirting with her didn't tell Filip how well he was doing. And despite the growing lump of jealousy inside of him, Filip hoped the boy was doing well. He was Gabby's age, didn't look like trouble. The sort of boy that Filip ultimately hoped his daughter would end up with.
Filip wasn't actively trying to get rid of Gabby. He didn't want to get rid of her, but he knew as well as she did, that he was too old and too dangerous. Even he couldn't deny that Sunday might be his last day alive. He didn't dwell on it too much. Every day he was part of Samcro could be his last.
Gabby didn't need that; she needed someone young, someone safe. Someone who wasn't out getting hip replacements and retiring by the time her kids moved out of home. He knew she wanted kids, but with that bordering on impossible, she might decide to go to uni or something. What would they do? She'd have to move away and they'd be back in square one.
All this went through Filip's mind as he watched the boy's subtle movements and Gabby's bemused smile as she tried to slink off. When she finally managed to get away, she glanced up, noticing Filip. Her face broke into a wide smile as she waved. Filip waved back, then lit up a smoke and took a drag.
A moment later Gabby bounded out of the diner. "Sorry," she said when she reached him. "It got busy, so I was helping out. Were you waiting long?"
Filip shook his head as she clipped up her helmet. "Whose yer friend?" he asked, jerking his head in the direction of the boy.
Gabby followed his gaze and, to his surprise, blushed. "Oh, I don't know his name," she said. "But he kept talking to me. Can you stop in at the shop? I've gotta grab something from Gemma's office."
Filip pay no attention to her last comment. "Probably fancies ye."
"He does not!" Gabby screeched. "I don't even know him!"
Shrugging, Filip turned the key, his bike roaring to life. Gabby hopped on behind him, securing a firm grip around his waist before he took off.
The fridge was stocked with beer, the pies were almost defrosted, and the football had just started. Yes, Bobby was set for a nice, relaxed and quiet night.
He nuked his pies, smothered them in sauce, grabbed himself a beer and sat down in his chair, resting the plate on his enormous stomach. Gabby was with Filip, so he needn't worry about her. He doubted she'd stay the night at the Scots', but wasn't fazed either way; he trusted him.
The front door slammed open before closing again as Gabby flew in, and mess of tears and sobs. She didn't even slow down or bother to acknowledge Bobby as she fled to her bedroom, throwing the door shut in such a manner that Bobby didn't think it worth the risk to try and open it again.
Well, he used to trust the Scotsman.
Bobby approached the door timidly. "Gabby?"
She didn't answer, but he expected as much.
"Gabby, I'm coming in," he warned. He'd barely opened the door an inch when there was a loud thump, and it jerked back into him; she'd thrown a book at it. "Do you want to talk?"
"No."
"Is it about Chibs?"
"It's none of your business!"
Bobby took that as a yes. Even when she wasn't directly facing someone, Gabby couldn't properly lie. "What happened?"
He didn't care if it wasn't any of his business. He was damn well going to find out.
"I told you, it's got nothing to do with you!"
Sighing, Bobby pulled the door closed. Tomorrow at the garage was going to be interesting.
Bobby was the first to arrive the next morning. Chibs was the last, and Bobby sensed that he was deliberately trying to avoid him; he sent the prospect to get some paperwork that Bobby had specifically asked of him; he didn't eat his lunch with the boys like he usually did; and when it looked as though Bobby might have gotten a chance to talk to him, he mentioned something about needing to talk to Clay, and sidled off.
When Bobby finally managed to corner him, he was annoyed, and ready to explode. "I need to talk to you."
Filip lit up a cigarette. "About what?" he asked.
Bobby ground his teeth. 'about what'? "About Gabby."
Something flashed in Filip's eyes. Regret? Sadness? Bobby wasn't sure. "Wha' about her?"
"I know it isn't any of my business, but what in God's name happened?"
Filip looked confused. "Wha' do ye mean? Nothin' happened, why? Is she alright?"
Bobby narrowed his eyes. He wasn't sure if the Scotsman was lying or not. "What did you do last night?" he asked.
"We ate dinner," Filip said, scowling. "Now wha' the hell are ye drillin' me for?"
"Nothing. It's nothing," Bobby told him. He left a befuddled Filip standing there.
If Filip hadn't done anything – which he insisted he hadn't – what on earth was wrong with Gabby?
Gabby watched Archibald as he prowled his tank, moving each leg slowly, delicately, as though he was stalking something. She'd calmed down a lot since last night. She'd have to apologise to Bobby for throwing the book at him, and to Filip for running off. Not that he really deserved an apology. The more she thought about, the more she didn't want to. Besides, she already had enough on her mind.
"Ah, it's fucked. It's all fucked. Clay shoulda paid Darby, and we all know it, even if we voted otherwise," he said, taking a swig. He glanced down at the whiskey, as though he'd only just noticed it was there. "Shite. If I drink anymore of this, ye'll have to stay the night."
Gabby almost smiled. But it was still weighing on her mind. "What are you all planning?" she asked, if only to distract herself.
Filip shrugged, even though he knew. "Can't tell ye; it's top secret." He winked at her, motioning for her to come to him.
Gabby obliged. When she was within arms' reach, Filip tugged on her arm, pulling her into his lap. He ran a hand up her face, gently tickling it with his fingers as he pulled her in for a kiss. She responded immediately, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck and adjusting her body to straddle him.
It was an infuriating shame about the age difference. As it was now, Gabby would let him take her without a moment's hesitation. Filip wasn't going to take that risk, however, and she didn't blame him. Not after seeing the mess that Lucy got herself into.
She'd scheduled an appointment for next Monday, which meant Gabby would have to miss out on school. She didn't mind, but it would mean some smooth talking to Bobby to explain why she wasn't there, without actually telling him the real reason. That was assuming all the boys were alive; she didn't know when they were doing what they'd planned.
With the thought in mind, Gabby made a split second decision. She rolled her hips, grinding her groin against Filip's. He groaned in response. Grabbing fistfuls of his hair, she broke apart, meeting his eyes. They were dark and lustful, but she could see the hesitation in them. "Filip..."
He shook his head. "No Gabby."
"Please? Just the once," she begged.
But Filip wouldn't give in. "I don't want to have to go through all this again."
"What about this thing with Darby?" she asked. "What then? You could die!"
Filip didn't answer right away, as though he was trying to figure out the best way to break something to her. A strange expression crossed his face. Gabby recognised it immediately; it was the same expression he had when she'd first met him. The look of someone who was only alive because they didn't have a choice in the matter. "Maybe it's for the best," he finally said.
Gabby couldn't believe her ears. "The best?" she echoed. "Do you want to die?"
"Be realistic, Gabby; do ye really want to spend yer life with someone like me?"
He went to grab her arm, but missed as she stood up and took several large steps back. She looked close to tears, but Filip tried to ignore the fact, telling himself that it was the right thing to do. She could be much, much more than just an old lady.
Gabby was beside herself. She didn't need this, not now. Who else did she have? She didn't have Lucy, not really. She'd definitely lost them, thanks to Gemma. Could she ever forgive that woman? No, she wasn't really sure she could.
And now, if she didn't do something, she was going to lose Filip. "I get it," she said. "But even if you did feel sorry for me, you didn't have to pretend to care."
"Pretend? Gabby, I love you."
"Then why are you doing this?" She took a step back as Filip took one towards her.
Filip managed to catch her arm before she could run off. "I'm only tryin' to do wha's best for ye."
Gabby scoffed, trying to pry his fingers off. "Oh, yes, you definitely know what's best for a girl. Get off me!" she screamed, tears spilling down her cheeks. "You don't want me here, so let go!"
Surprisingly – heartbreakingly – Filip let go. Gabby waited a few seconds, in case he'd just slipped or something, but he only turned his back to her and said "I'll take ye home."
As he fished around for his keys, Gabby took off. She didn't know if he was following her, or if he'd noticed yet, but she didn't care. She was obviously nothing more than a burden to him. If he did love her, like he said, then he wouldn't be sending her off. He wouldn't. Gabby didn't understand the minds of people who did that.
What did it matter that he was 27 and she was 17? What did it matter that he was a member of a dangerous club? Gabby couldn't care less, so why did he?
She wasn't bothered by the age difference, and if there was anyone or anything in that club which was truly dangerous, it was Gemma.
No one person should know so much and have that much power. Power and knowledge was never a good idea. She did what she pleased, when it pleased her, and didn't care who it would affect, or how it would hurt them.
If Gabby was to be honest with herself, she didn't think she'd ever find it in her heart to forgive the woman.
It was a good day, Gemma thought, despite the fact that in two days from now, the boys were going to blow up one of Darby's warehouses. They were all on edge, which was to be expected, but they still managed smiles and cracked jokes as they went about their business.
Gemma placed some paperwork on the desk. She'd filled it out last night after Gabby had given it to her. Of course, it hadn't taken long, but she needed it done so she could send it off first thing this morning. All she needed now was an envelope.
The desk was full of papers. Each drawer was literally sprouting paperwork and important documents. If you fished around to the bottom, you'd find an assortment of paper clips, safety pins, pens, staples and the caps of beer bottles. Occasionally Gemma would find something that someone else had put in there; it was a good place to hide things.
As she searched for an envelope, she was acutely aware of the absence of something. For a moment, she thought maybe she'd placed it somewhere else. But, no. No, it had been in here.
Abandoning her search for the envelope, Gemma pulled the drawer out, sending papers flying as she demolished it. But it wasn't there.
Gemma pulled out the other drawers, gave them the same treatment. Still, she couldn't find it. There was nowhere else she'd put it. None. Which meant that someone had gotten their hands on it.
Trying to avoid the obvious, Gemma cast her mind. Who would want it? Who would bother? She knew who, of course, but didn't want to have to come to that conclusion.
There was nothing for it, though. No one else would care about it. Who else, really, was going to take the get well card written for Gabby?