I've finally started writing this again! Woo! Go me! :D

This chapter is quite angsty, but don't worry – the next one is just happiness/silliness from Fishnick and his friends.

THG still belong to Suzanne Collins.

Thanks to my wonderful beta for getting this back to me on such short notice :P

As always, reviews are greatly appreciated as are favourites and alerts.

Chapter Nineteen: Guilt

"Finnick, it's too early," Ariel groaned as I poked her to wake her up.

"It's half past three! Get up, lazy lump. We're going fishing." I stole the covers off her and skipped out of her room, with the duvet bunched up in my arms.

Dad was already up- making a late lunch in the kitchen. I swallowed down my sandwich in one gulp and went to wait on the beach. Dad had obviously brought our rowing boat over from our old house. The sight of the little boat bobbing up and down on the small waves made me laugh so much that Dad thought I was having a fit. I calmed down enough to explain to him that I was just relieved that I was home; after all, I thought I'd never see it again.

Ariel wandered down from the kitchen, rubbing sleep out of her eyes with one hand and holding a piece of bread in the other. She hopped into the moored boat and finished her bread before pulling my old trident out from underneath the seat.

"They sent us your new one. If you want, I'll go get it for you."

"No," I reassured her as I waded into the water. "I love my old trident."

Dad joined Ariel in the boat and cast it off. They rowed the boat slowly through the calm water as I swam next to them. I had missed swimming more than I thought possible. There was a steady stream of conversation as we moved out into the deeper water. Ariel refused to let a silence fall and chattered nonstop about everything that had happened while I was away.

"All the girls at school made shirts with your name on them," she giggled. "And Camela has convinced nearly everyone that you kissed her before leaving." My groan made her laugh even harder- I had forgotten about Camela and the rest of my fan club.

The house was just in sight when we stopped moving. I floated on my back in the water while Ariel and Dad set up the appropriate fishing gear. I enjoyed the quiet of the sea and the refreshing coolness of the water against my skin. I clambered into the boat reluctantly when Ariel prodded me with the end of my trident.

We took our positions as we had on the day of my Reaping and so many times before that. I remembered that happy morning with a smile as I hefted my trident in my hand, raising it slightly so that it pointed into the water. It felt the same as my gift in the arena- though it was obviously made of much poorer materials. A flicker or movement under the water sent me lunging towards the surface, but as the trident connected with the fish a different picture sprung into my mind.

Millie was lying under me, struggling to free herself from the confines of the net. My golden trident was breaking her spine, then her skull, with the knowledge that I was about to end her life forever.

I recoiled from the edge of the boat, dropping my trident into the sea, but the memories didn't go away. I was back at the Cornucopia, slitting Zoe's throat. She was twelve. The boy from District Eight lay screaming in pain behind me as his District partner cried over him. Genn's tortured whispers as life seeped out of her mauled body. They were all deaths I could have stopped, but I didn't. I helped them all die.

"No," I moaned, my head dropping into my hands. "I didn't have a choice."

I tried to comfort myself with the memories of why I killed them. Demon was standing in the water. He was probably crazy at that point- bloodthirsty Careers usually lost all sense of right and wrong in the arena... Demon would have taken it a step further. He may not have realized that he was about to be eaten until it happened. Jewel's enraged snarl as she tried to kill me at the feast. For all I knew she was starving and wanted to go home to her parents.

They were kids wanting to be at home with their families. They were like me: alone.

I should have died with them. There was nothing that set me apart from them, nothing that made me special. I wasn't a particularly better fighter and I was terrible at staying hidden. There were other's that deserved it more than me. I should be dead.

I covered my face with my hands, but all I could think about was their deaths. My hands covered in their blood as I destroyed them without thinking twice about it. What was the point in being a Victor when all you got was pain? I blocked out the world around me – uncaring of what it must have looked like to my family – and concentrated on anything I could do to make it better. The world around me faded as I searched desperately in my mind for one good thing that had come of my victory, but nothing presented itself to me.

"Finnick," a voice murmured right into my ear. "Come on, snap out of it. You're scaring Ariel."

"But it's my fault," I whispered.

Someone gently pushed my hands away from face before enveloping me in a hug. I buried my head in their shoulder, the sweet scent of perfume registering in my mind.

"You didn't have a choice. It was either you or them, and I'm very glad it was you. So many people need you here, Finnick, especially Ariel. Were you just going to leave Ariel on her own, without her big brother to protect her? She would have to had to face the Reapings without you. Everyone in this district is happy you came back."

I raised my head slowly. I hadn't realized that I was crying, but my cheeks were wet with tears. We were on the beach outside my new house. Mags' arms were wrapped around me in a hug as she tried to console me. Dad and Ariel were both kneeling in the sand next to us, staring at me with worry.

"Are you okay now?" Mags asked, wiping the tears away.

I sniffed and nodded shakily. I felt completely exhausted, though I had only woken up a few hours ago. My whole body was quivering like a leaf and I could feel unshed tears welling up behind my eyes.

"I was killing them again," I whispered. "And I had to watch them all die."

"I know," she soothed. "Everyone has the memories and the nightmares. You can't escape from them, especially not for the first few days." She kissed my forehead gently before releasing me from her hug. "After a year or two, the flashbacks will stop; I promise."

Ariel touched my arm to get my attention. She was obviously terrified by my outburst, so I opened my arms and pulled her close to me. Her solid presence took my head firmly out of the nightmares, and back into District Four. Slowly, the tremors left my body.

"I'm okay now," I said, taking deep breaths to steady myself. "Sorry about that."

Dad squeezed my shoulder sympathetically. "Don't be sorry, Finnick. We should have thought to take it slow. Let's wait until you're more comfortable at home before we go fishing again."

I shook my head- I still wanted to go fishing, but maybe not with a trident. Instead of arguing, I settled for the next thing of my mind: food.

"Can I have something to eat? I'm starving."

Just like that, the serious atmosphere disappeared and Dad was inviting Mags over for dinner. Ariel climbed out of my hug and pulled me to my feet, keeping hold of my hand as we walked into the spacious house. She didn't let go until Dad asked her to get some food from the fridge. While she did that, I began looking through the cupboards to see what things the Capitol had provided us with.

"What's this?" I asked, pulling a blunt knife thing out of a drawer.

"A can opener, Finnick. That's why it says 'Can Opener' on the side," Mags answered.

I inspected the handle to see the name printed on in small white letters. After checking the other utensils in the cupboards, I discovered that the Capitol had annotated everything in the kitchen.

"Why did they label the spoons? Do they seriously think that people don't know what spoons are in District Four?"

"You didn't know what a can opener was," Dad said, not looking up from the frying pan filled with fish. "They're probably just making sure that victors like you don't starve because they can't work out how to eat a bowl of cereal."

"I'm going to be mature and ignore your comment," I said, putting the spoon back in to the drawer.

Ariel was looking for plates, so I just sat down next to Mags at the table in the corner of the kitchen. There was also a big dining room but it seemed too formal for a small meal.

"Are you still feeling okay?" Mags asked quietly as Ariel danced around the kitchen, using a silver fork as a fairy wand.

I nodded slowly. "I think so. I feel fine now... But they're going to come back, aren't they? The flashbacks?"

"You can't escape the memories, but I'll show you some ways to keep your mind on other things. And I'll introduce you to the other victors. We'll eventually be able to find something that suits you."

"The other Victors?"

As a general District Four rule, the victors didn't leave the richer areas. They were so removed from normal district life that they reached a celebrity status amongst the average people, and things like autographs and unique photos sold for a lot at auctions. There were always Peacekeepers posted at the mouth of the road leading up to the Victor's Village to deter obsessed fans stalking their favorites. Apart from Mags and Cade, I had never seen one except on television.

"Don't sound so scared – they're nice and they do know what you're going through. Well, except Curt and Melanie who never seemed to care about what they had done." Curt and Melanie were infamous. They were Careers who had won consecutively to each other and both had been ruthless and bloodthirsty. "However, there's no point thinking about them- they basically never leave their houses and when they do, they think that everyone else is far beneath them."

She stopped talking as Dad walked over with plates of fried fish. He had garnished each one with a strange green fruit that I had seen in the Capitol. Mags saw me looking and said, "It's lime. It goes great with fish; try it."

As it turned out, lime did taste amazing with the fish. My Dad rarely cooked because he found it boring but when he did, he produced amazing dishes. I ate until I was sure I couldn't eat anymore - which involved stealing half of Ariel's plate – and then sat back, satisfied.

"You could be a chef in the Capitol, Dad. That was amazing."

"Was the Capitol food as good as it's made out to be, then?" he asked.

I sighed dreamily. "You have no idea... It's beauty on a plate. You definitely need to try it sometime in your life. If I hadn't been in the Games I might have actually enjoyed my time at the Capitol." My voice dropped suddenly at the end, as I remembered my final days in the Capitol and President Snow's meeting. If any of them noticed, though, they ignored it.

"Tomorrow's Monday," Ariel said in the silence that followed.

"Work," Dad said, stretching.

"School, Finnick," Mags added with a smile.

I groaned at the unwelcome memory. Though I was free from the horror of the reaping, I still had to go to school like the rest of the population. The thought of that mundane activity almost made me cry– I had lived through the Hunger Games, and yet I still had to sit through lessons about how fish breathe underwater. Suddenly my life seemed rather pointless– after all, how was I going to spend the next years of my life when I had everything I wanted and never needed to work?

"Do I have to go?"

"Yes," Mags answered before my Dad could say anything. "Otherwise you will die of boredom within a month. Being a Victor, for most of the year, is dreadfully boring- that's why some of Career victors welcome the Hunger Games like the Capitol does; it's not because they're evil, but because we have nothing else to do."

"Cheerful," I muttered to Ariel, who hid her grin as Mags looked disapprovingly at us.

"Thank you very much for dinner," Mags said, standing. "But it's getting late and I should probably go home soon."

I glanced at the clock and then did a double take. "How is it eight? We only went fishing at three!"

Dad patted my shoulder condescendingly as he stood up too. "That's the funny thing about time, son, it just keeps on going. And I'll walk with you, Mags, I want to thank you for everything you did."

There was nothing polite or false in Mags' thanks- she sounded genuinely happy that Dad was paying her attention. She gave Ariel and me hugs before allowing Dad to lead her to the front door. Ariel and I cleared the plates into the dishwasher in silence until we heard the door shut.

"Do you think Dad and Mags will get married?" Ariel asked with all the innocence of a nine year old.

"It would be weird," I said, pressing a button helpfully labeled 'on'.

"Don't you want Mags to be your mum? I wouldn't mind; she seems really nice."

"Mags would make a great mother, but it would be strange having another person in our family. After all, we're the three musketeers, aren't we?"

Ariel nodded seriously but was cut off from answering by a huge yawn.

"Bed time?" I asked, holding out my hand to her. She took it and nodded, allowing me to lead her up to one of the many bedrooms. We hadn't decided who was going in which one but Ariel automatically opened the door to the room we had all slept in last night. I tucked her into the giant double bed and snuck out of the room, closing the door quietly behind me.

I had planned to go downstairs and stay up a little longer but as I stood on the landing, sleep seemed to entice me and I found myself stripping off my clothes and climbing under the clean white sheets. I was fast asleep within minutes, but my dreams were far from peaceful.

Most of them featured the arena in some way. There were memories, interwoven with nightmares, creating a dark, twisted reality inside my head that seemed inescapable.

In one, the piranhas were devouring me again. The pain of being eaten by leeches was dragged up to the forefront of my mind and my whole body itched and burned as I tried, in vain, to flick all of the creatures away. But every time a leech died, a bigger one would appear in its place, intensifying the agony.

In another, I watched as Ariel was called up beside me in the Reaping. I tried to protest and tell everyone that she was too young, but nobody listened. She trained hard but I still watched Jewel send an arrow flying into her head and through the other side. I just had to time to hold in her my arms before the whole scene shifted. Instead of Ariel, Demon lay grinning up at me. A piranha's fangs had replaced his teeth and he sat up suddenly, the powerful jaws closing across my face.

I woke with a jolt. My fingernails were scraping against my face, mimicking the action of Demon in my dream. It was dark outside, the moon still high in the black sky. With a relieved sigh, I pulled the covers up to my chin and drifted back into an uneasy sleep.

Next chapter: 19/20th March

Please review? :D

Yes, I think that Mags and Finnick's Dad would make an adorable couple. :P

Next chapter is happier and has some Finnick humour in it and you get to meet his school friends, because, at the end of the day, Finnick's just a fourteen year old boy. And they can be hilarious.