A/N: So sorry that we haven't updated in five thousand years! We were essentially lazy, although we did have to study for a humongous test for college credit in the future (an AP test…U.S. History…blech!). More shuddering…that was horrible to take, but at least it's done now. So here's an extra long chapter to make up for the wait!

Update as of July 19, 2007: This has been corrected and properly formatted. It should be easier to read now. Plus, we added a disclaimer! Yay disclaimer! And now, the disclaimer!

Disclaimer: We own nothing from the Chronicles of Narnia, Naruto: The Abridged Series, or Kingdom Hearts.

Chapter 19: Attack of the Rhymes-Limes-Dimes-Mimes-AHHH!!

Meanwhile, on a dangerous cliff face, a small figure named Pippin was pippinly climbing a mountain named Pippin Mountain in order to alert Pippin's Rohan that Pippin's Gondor needed help fighting that evil guy thing that kind of controlled the world. The director then realized he was shooting the wrong movie and quickly made the proper adjustments.

Uh...let's start again. Ahem.

Meanwhile, on some random cliff elsewhere, the three coolio Pevensies and the beavers had managed to climb up and goggle out at the world of Narnia. They goggled and goggled, their eyes nearly bursting out of their heads. Their mouths hung open listlessly, collecting a pool of saliva that dripped on the ground and grew giant beanstalks (that appeared later in the story for some random purpose).

As the children stared off into space, their minds melting out of their ears like goo, Mr. and Mrs. Beaver quickly made sandwiches.

"IAnflkenaioAnimerocksknalnk,ankl,dnoiAlkjnelhFruitsBasketiscool;iopfjlablf.am.LKDNAngel'scooltooklfmnandNaruto,mndiojd.fmkldjoe," said Mr. Beaver with his mouth full. This translated to something along the lines of: "Now, Aslan's camp is near the Pewter Toilet, just across the Giant River of Jello."

"Mmm…jello," Peter drooled.

Mrs. Beaver glanced at him. "lkaneoifSasukeandKyokickassnlkeaniofdjakldfjniosjl. KleYuriandDaisukearedumbthoughaoienaflknefio; anlkenaiorjfnleknoi." This meant: "Oh, the river's been turned into blue raspberry jello and has remained that way for a hundred years now. Apparently, the Bitch likes that flavor a little too much."

Peter and his siblings goggled at the vast, computer generated landscape.

"Narnia!" Peter cried.

"Narnia!" Susan echoed.

"Narnia!" Lucy called in awe.

"It's only a model," Mr. Beaver hissed under his breath. The siblings fell to goggling again as Mrs. Beaver landed a savage blow to her husband's groin. He went down cursing.

Peter stared out at the green screen, remarking at the world's size. "It's so incredibly miniscule. I can pick it up and squish it in my hand if I wanted to, like this rock here." Peter demonstrated his talent by crushing a pebble with his fist.

Susan was impressed. "Wow, you actually did something cool!"

"Actually well…it was a dirt clod," Peter admitted with a sheepish smile.

Lucy, who had been eavesdropping on her brother and sister's conversation, grew angry at her brother's weakness. She reached into her pocket and withdrew a rake which she commenced beating people on the head with. Unfortunately, she was blinded by her rage and attacked anything that moved. That included her siblings, the beavers, the trees, small woodland creatures, the air, and the Easter Bunny. It was a hopeless struggle against her madness, and when she was finally overcome, carnage littered the stage.

"It's the world, dear." Mrs. Beaver strained, her whole body trembling madly as she fought to continue the scene. "Did you think it would be small? Or something…"

"Yes, actually I did think it would be small," Peter answered through his pain. "Hence me crushing it in the palm of my hand!"

"Ah, touché!" Mrs. Beaver replied.

Susan shakily rose to her feet. "Although it would kind of help with the acting if we knew what the hell we were looking at," she commented.

"Ah, touché!" Mr. Beaver said. His wife gave him a look and he fell silent.

Back at the Bitch's place, the puppy dog man was carrying Ed in his mouth again, this time into the main hall where all the prettiful statues were. Edmund gasped in horror as he noticed the kitty cat still there. Oh, and Tumnus was there too, as a recent addition. Edmund finally noticed him and burst out laughing. "Wow, that sucks for you! I'd hate to be the guy that betrayed you! Oh wait…uh…oops. Why are there so many dots in this chapter?"

"Come on, come on, we don't have all day here!" the Queen shouted as Edmund and the puppy dog man drew near. On this particularly lovely day, the Queen was decked out in a dress made entirely of spider legs. It was quite revealing, and Edmund almost gagged out his lunch of fried butterscotch peanuts.

Seconds later, Jadis, Edmund and the puppy dog man were all shoved together on a gigantic Monopoly board, with the various pieces pulling them. The dog was a little better at pulling than the iron, and the thimble and car were in a race to the death. They carried the board quickly across the snow-covered plain. The Queen leaned back in comfort, snorting down at Edmund who was squeezed into a ball at her feet in the jail corner of the monopoly board. He looked rather pitiful.

And now back to the people who actually matter. Well, kinda.

The three Pevensies and the two beavers had already made quite a bit of progress across the plains. (They had hitched a ride on a passing ant to get a few feet from where they started). Mr. Beaver, who, along with his wife, was well in the lead, glanced back at the lagging humans.

"Come on, humans! While we're still young," he called back, which was quite ironic considering he was well over one hundred years old himself.

Peter frowned. "If tells us to hurry one more time, I'm gonna turn him into a melon with wings!"

"Hurry up, come on!"

Peter stopped frowning to grin maliciously. "Finally!" he breathed, pulling out a gigantic key from his pocket. Yelling foreign words, Peter held the key aloft as it lit up and then sent the light in Mr. Beaver's direction. The light immediately blinded everyone, and when it was gone, Mr. Beaver had quite pathetically reduced to a watermelon with wings.

"Mmm...watermelon!" Peter drooled with a sudden craving. Mr. Beaver flew into his wife's arms for safety as Mrs. Beaver glared at Peter. He sighed forlornly and dropped back to where his siblings had paused.

Suddenly, the expression on Mrs. Beaver's face changed to one of pure terror. "No! Behind you! It's her!" she yelled dramatically.

"Who is she talking about?" Susan wondered as Peter grabbed her hand. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

"I dunno. Let's run for fun!" Peter declared.

"And get baked in the sun?" Lucy added excitedly.

"I'll eat a cinnamon bun and be done!" Peter interjected.

"You two are so stupid!" Susan muttered. "I'll get you with my water gun!" She pulled a water gun out of her ear and began to squirt her siblings mercilessly.

"Ah no! My dress is homespun!" Lucy cried out as her dress became soaked.

"Don't worry; I have a harpoon gun. I'll hit a homerun!" Peter answered swiftly, planning to avenge his sister by killing his other sister. It was a perfect solution. He fired a harpoon and accidentally struck a passing flamingo. The poor beast was magical though, so it recovered enough to fly into a telephone pole and get electrocuted and resurrected only to get hit by a car, which then caused it to come back to life and manage to crookedly fly away.

"That was weird," Lucy thought aloud. "Piggies!"

So, the siblings and the beavers ran. Unfortunately, they did not realize the size of the set, and continually ran into the walls which were disguised in a bright orange/yellow/red color that blinded all passersby and most of the crew, who were forced to shorten the scene just to get their vision back.

Alas, the Bitch (or what was supposedly the Bitch) was getting closer and closer. There were bells on the sleigh that jingled pleasantly, and there was Christmas music playing in the background. All around them were signs of warmth and happiness, but they just didn't get the hint at all.

They all managed to reach the woods days later, and were just as quick to spot a cave to hide in. As if their tracks wouldn't lead the "menacing" figure right to them. Despite this obvious fact, they all huddled close together in fear, hoping desperately to not be caught. They held their breaths and came close to unconsciousness as the figure took quite a long time to notice their footprints and follow them so conveniently to their hiding place. Snow fell from above them as the footsteps paused. A humongous neon sign lit the ground, with the words "It's Father Christmas, you dumbasses!" explicitly written on it. Again, the Pevensies and the beavers did not get the hint. Thus, they waited forever for the person to leave.

When there were no more signs of "danger", Lucy piped up cautiously. "Maybe she's gone."

"Who?" Susan insisted, still confused as to whom they had been running from.

Peter glanced at his sisters, ignoring Susan yet again. "I'll suppose I'll go look," he volunteered hesitantly.

Mr. Beaver grabbed his arm. "No! You're not a crook!"

"But I want to see the brook!" Peter whined.

"I'm reading a great book!" Mrs. Beaver added.

"You know, I'm a great cook!" Lucy said.

"My dream is to be Captain Hook!" Peter cried.

"What the heck is with all the rhyming? And the exclamation points? Seriously!" Susan interrupted.

Peter shrugged. "Well, the authors took long enough to update. They thought to give readers a good show, you know?"

"Don't you dare start rhyming again!" Susan warned, her eye twitching.

"Okay, okay!" Peter held up his hands. "Anyways, where were we?"

"Ah, well…let's see…" Mr. Beaver thought to himself. "Oh! It's my line now! You wanted to go out and get killed, and I say…Well, your corpse can't really fight a war for Narnia, now can it?"

"It could if I came back as a zombie," Peter pointed out.

"Yes, but zombies are generally bad guys, what with the eating of brains and everything."

"Good point."

"I guess I'll go myself then. You're no good to Narnia dead!" Mr. Beaver huffed, standing up. He paused to wait for his wife to stop him, but she was silent. He hesitated a little more and then finally rolled his eyes. He left the cave. There were many tense moments in the celebration that ensued, mostly times when the characters feared Mr. Beaver might return unexpectedly.

Suddenly, dire music began to play. It was the theme from Jaws, and it was more threatening than could ever be possible. They all hunkered down, scarcely moving. There were more footsteps.

Finally, a terrible grating voice broke out, making Lucy shriek and nearly wet herself. The effect on Peter was another story. All we can say is that he refused to talk about it.

"Come out, come out! There's someone here to see ya!" Mr. Beaver called down, poking his head over the entrance. His wife immediately whacked him.

"Don't bloody scare me like that!" she yelled. She began to beat him again with various forest objects, including helpless fluffy squirrels who just wanted to find some nuts. The siblings glanced at each other and emerged together out into the sunshine. Before them stood a sleigh with Father Christmas standing in front of it, looking rather proud that he had successfully nailed a herd of Grandmas on the way to Narnia.

Lucy's face lit up. "Are you Santa Claus?"

"No I'm not! I'm Father Christmas! Didn't you get any of the hints in this chapter?"

"Uh…"

"God, you're bloody British! You don't call me Santa Claus. That is American!"

"But the authors are American," Susan spoke up.

"Yes, but no one likes them. Doesn't matter anyway. Even though they try to be British, their accents are a disgrace to British people everywhere."

"Oh. Well, are you going to give us our presents now?" Lucy demanded eagerly.

"Why would I give you presents?"

"Because we're special!"

"That's for sure…" Father Christmas muttered to himself. He puffed up his chest. "I suppose I better give you your presents or the plot of this movie would collapse into a black hole of blackness and suck every living thing into it, destroying the world and all the people in it as well as the entire animal population and the rocks, the majestic rocks which will succumb to chaos and turn into the abyss of death."

This statement was greeted by blank faces. "Alright, here's your damn presents!" Father Christmas declared, throwing up his hands.

To Susan, he bestowed a bow and a quiver of arrows as well as a magical ukulele that had the power to summon bottled water in any circumstance.

To Peter, he bestowed a sword and a shield made entirely of cardboard. This would kind of screw him over in the battle later in the movie, but Peter didn't have to worry about that right then. He took the sword and shield solemnly. Once in his hands, he cast the shield aside and eyed the glittering cardboard weapon.

"I've got a sword!" he cried out happily. He angled the blade down and actually managed to stab himself through the gut. He fell to the ground, writhing, while his sisters glanced at the bent cardboard sword and wondered how any of this was possible. But, thanks to the magic of Father Christmas, Peter was revived, everyone's memories were deleted and the scene started over again.

This time when Peter received the sword…he stabbed himself again. Father Christmas slapped himself. The scene started again…and resulted in the same way. Finally, after much frustration, Father Christmas gave Peter a leaf. In this way, he could not possibly manage to kill himself. Sadly, Peter stuffed the leaf into his nose and mouth to taste it and suffocated. Father Christmas, infuriated, brought Peter back to life once more, gave him nothing, shoved a pouch of liquid and a small dagger at Lucy and went off in his sleigh.

The Pevensies waved goodbye as Peter wondered where his other present was. He heard a snap to his left and turned to see Lucy chugging the liquid Father Christmas had handed her.

"Lucy, what are you doing?"

"What? It's apple juice!"

Susan rolled her eyes. "Great, Lucy, just great. Now how are we going to save Edmund later in the movie?"

There was a reversed role, and suddenly it was Peter that was confused. "Wait…who's Edmund?"

"You know…the maniacal one?" Susan offered.

"Lucy?"

"No, Peter. Lucy's a girl."

"Edmund's a girl?" Peter cried out in surprise. Susan smacked herself and vaguely wished she had received a sword instead of a bow and arrow so that she could stab herself and avoid the frustration. Although she soon found out that arrows worked just as well…

"So…" Peter spoke up a little bit later as the Pevensies just stood there wondering what to do. "Father Christmas said that winter was almost over."

"No he didn't," Lucy replied.

"Well," Peter stammered. "He did in the movie. We'll just have to say it so that the plot continues. We don't want the plot of this movie to collapse into a black hole of blackness and suck every living thing into it, destroying the world and all the people in it as well as the entire animal population and the rocks, the majestic rocks which will succumb to chaos and turn into the abyss of death."

"That's true," Susan murmured in agreement.

"You know what that means?" Peter said a second later. Susan and Lucy stared at him, waiting for him to explain. "No more jello."

Dun Dun DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A/N: Thanks to Emiko87 for beating people with rakes and another person who gave us their dream for the magical ukulele that summons bottled water. Yeah um…we lost your reply or whatever, so whoever you are, thank you! Oh, did anyone get our subliminal Anime reference in the beginning?