Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I just borrowed the names. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without written authorization. ©2010 SwedenSara. All rights reserved worldwide.
I'm sorry I've kept you waiting. Updates will be slower for the next few chapters, but then again, there aren't that many left when I think of it... Next chapter will adress the love-making in last chapter - they finally did it! It's a bit emotional though, so I need some more time to write it. Also, I'm currently writing on four different fics, and I have trouble switching between them. In addition to this story I'm writing a contest entry for InThePale contest, which will be posted within a month. That is an incredibly personal piece, and very important to me. I'm also writing a one shot for PTB Smut University's Back To School fundraiser. Last, but certainly not least, I have the fantastic Smutiversity collaboration: http: / / www . fanfiction . net /s/6034948/1/Smutiversity
Thank you JillM12 and Netracullen, my awesome and super quick betas!
Therapy Transcript and Thoughts
Therapy session no 2 Cullen/Swan couple. Transcript and /notes/ by Dr Emily Young
Emily: So, welcome back! How have you been since last time?
Bella: Um, good, I guess…
Edward: Yeah. It was interesting last time. /Clears his voice/
/KEY: EY=me, BS=Bella, EC=Edward/
EY: Last time we met we talked about how your relationship began, how the two of you met, and what made you fall in love. We also talked about why you feel you need my help, where you want this marriage to go from now, and what you would like for the future. Any thoughts on what you learned about each other last session?
/Bella fiddles nervously with a package of tissues, peeks at Edward/
EC: It was interesting talking about how we met… I haven't thought about it in a long time, and I don't think we've ever discussed it like that, you know. It was interesting to hear about Bella's view of the entire thing, what she thought.
EY: Bella?
BS: Um… /takes a deep breath/ I kind of had forgotten about why I fell in love with him. I don't think about it that often, and it was good to be reminded of that, and to be forced to remember why we chose each other. And I agree with Edward, too, about talking about how we met.
EY: Anything else you want to bring up?
EC: Yeah… You know when you asked about our last names? I had never really thought about how I feel about Bella not changing her last name when we got married. It's probably stupid, and I sound like a caveman, but the fact that she kept her maiden name somehow makes me feel that she is not entirely mine. It was kind of a revelation to me.
BS: Yes, that was interesting. I never thought about it like that, that it can be interpreted in that way. The reason for it was not that I didn't want to belong to Edward, it was more like "why should I be the one to change my name just because I'm the woman? I'm not gonna do that!" It doesn't mean that much to me, and if I knew how he felt about it I might have changed it.
/Bella makes quotation marks in the air when she says the word 'belong'/
EY: Okay, then. Anything else?
/Both shake their heads/
EY: Okay. I have another question for you both. Last session you told me a lot about this relationship, but we haven't talked about your previous ones. Edward, can you tell me about the relationships you had prior to Bella?
EC: Well, there's not much to say, really. I had a girlfriend, Tanya, and we'd known each other for a long time. Childhood friends and all that. It wasn't real, though, if you know what I mean. We just ended up together because we hung out a lot. And then I met Bella. That's pretty much it. My relationship history isn't that exciting.
/Bella is quiet/
EY: Bella, did you have any relationships before you met Edward?
/Bella still quiet/
EY: Bella?
BS: I'm not comfortable talking about that right now.
EY: Don't you want to talk about that with me, or don't you want to talk about it with Edward?
EC: I can leave for a while, if you want.
BS: I don't… can we talk about this another time?
EY: Sure, that's fine. We'll leave that for the time being. I've been thinking about another thing I'd like to ask both of you. Last time you both said you need my help to communicate better. In what ways do you think it is hard to communicate?
BS: I don't know… It's just… hard to get the words out there.
/Bella hesitates/
EY: How do you mean?
BS: Well, it's not like I'm afraid of him or something, but I'm sometimes worried that he'll get angry, and then I don't say anything at all, you know. It's silly…
/Edward pulls his fingers through his hair. Seems nervous/
EC: I… I know I have a problem with my temper. I lash out at little things, get mad at her and the kids, or even inanimate objects, like a fork or a cupboard that doesn't do what I want it to. I know it affects her, because we've talked about it before and she's told me she doesn't like when I'm mad. But I didn't realize I'm actually making her quiet.
EY: Bella, can you tell me more about how you feel when Edward is angry?
BS: I'm really sensitive about people's emotional state, and when he is in a bad mood… It gets to me. I don't know how to explain it. You know how snails react when you touch their antennae? They retract, pull their antennae in. If you touch them again, they eventually retract all the way into their shells. That's how I feel when Edward is angry. I want to hide. But when he's mad at the kids… I really hate that. I want to scream, to hit him. I don't do it, though. I keep it inside, or try to smooth things over.
EC: I'm sorry… /whispers/
BS: Well, to be fair you have been much calmer lately. I mean, I don't blame you for being mad; it's probably my fault anyway.
/Bella talks very quiet and looks at her hands/
EY: What do you mean when you say it is your fault?
BS: Well, let's just say I'm not the best wife there is…
EC: That's just… stupid, Bella! Do you think I'd even be here if I thought that? Why do you say that about yourself?
BS: Because it's true! I didn't want have sex with you; I could hardly bear you touching me! If that's not a bad wife, then I don't know what is.
EY: Edward, you don't seem to agree with Bella?
EC: No, I don't. I think she is a great wife. Okay, so we didn't have sex for… a while, but I don't care! Besides, we had sex after the last session, and that was awesome. Sex isn't the correct expression, though. We made love. For me, that was the best we've ever had. But as long as she's uncomfortable with sex, I don't want it anyway. I don't want it if she doesn't want it. Okay, I really wish that she would want it, you know, and that's partly why we're here, but I don't think that being a good wife is only about sex.
/Edward is getting worked up, his frustration is clearly showing. Bella is shrinking, apparently trying to make herself smaller in her seat/
EY: Does this make you angry, Edward?
/Edward looks at me, then at Bella, notices her being curled up in her seat/
EC: Oh… I'm sorry, Bella, I'm… Yes, it makes me angry. But I'm not mad at Bella, I'm more like… mad at myself, for letting her believe that, you know?
EY: Explain this to me.
EC: Well, she's always taken care of the house, the cleaning, making dinner, taking care of the kids… She's done almost everything at home, actually. I haven't been very helpful, I've left all of that to her and I know it's been too much for her to handle. Above all that, I've acted like an ass, being mad all the time. So if she thinks she's a bad wife, well, I've been a crappy husband, too. I don't blame her for not wanting to have sex with me. I've done nothing for her.
EY: Bella, what do you feel about this?
BS: I don't think he's a bad husband… Why would he want to help me anyway? /wipes tears from her eyes/
EY: What do you mean by that, Bella?
BS: Well, it's about giving and getting in return, basically. If I don't give him what he needs, why would I get something from him?
EC: But Bella, the things you do for me, that's not because you want something from me in return, right?
BS: No… I do things because I want to, and there are also some things I want to do for you to make you happy.
EC: It's the same for me. I want to do things for you, because I love you and I want you to be happy.
EY: It seems to me that you both believe that you are the bad spouse in this marriage, but apparently neither of you think the other one is bad. Am I correct?
BS: Yeah… I guess…
/Edward nods/
EY: I see. It also seems like you are both putting a lot of guilt on yourselves. I think we need to address this more later, and I'd like you to think about this until next session. Now, Bella, I have a question for you. You mentioned earlier that you have issues with Edward touching you. Can you explain that to me?
BS: Basically, I kind of panic. When he touches me, or sometimes even when I think he's going to touch me, I get this weird reaction in my body. I tense up, and it gets hard to breath, and my heart pounds faster. I just want to flee, you know. Sometimes I actually do, I run into the bathroom or whatever. Most of the time I just recoil, and cringe.
EY: How do you think that makes Edward feel?
BS: I think it makes him feel… rejected. /whispers/
EY: Edward, doo you recognize what Bella is talking about?
EC: Yes, I do. But I have to say that she has been trying really hard lately, and even though I used to think she didn't want me anymore, I don't believe that now. I think that she wants to want me, but doesn't know how to get past this anxiety thing.
EY: It's interesting that you mention this as being about anxiety. I think it may very well be such a thing she is dealing with, based on the description she gave. Have you talked about this before?
BS: We have, I think we have, right? /Turns to Edward, inquisitive/
EC: Yes, remember when we joked about the exposure therapy? That's when.
EY: So Edward, this way she feels, it's not news for you, then. How long has it been like this?
B: I think… it began when our first child, Kate, was a few months old. So that makes it… about five years or so.
E: Yes, pretty much. Then it got better for a short while, after we managed to produce Benji. But soon after he was born it kind of went down the drain again.
EY: And what do you think about that?
BS: I don't know… Well, we tried after Benji was born, but it hurt like hell so I didn't want to try it again. And I know this is going to sound weird, but… You know how it is with babies - and kids too as a matter of fact. They are constantly craving attention. And that's fine because it's supposed to be like that, but I had someone attached to my body all the time. I was constantly being touched. I nursed them, I carried them around, I comforted them, and my entire being was only about being there for them. And then he came home and he wanted to touch me, and it just… it was too much for me. My body needed to rest from the touching. And I had all these things to do at home, with laundry, and dinner, and cleaning, and somehow I feel like I lost myself.
EC: We've talked about this, I didn't help out enough at home. I think I'm doing better now. But Bella, you never told me you feel like you lost yourself.
BS: I haven't thought about it before, it just came out now when I was talking. /Bella sounds exasperated/
EY: It is not unusual for women to feel that way when they have kids, Bella. The thing is, though, that if you don't get help, and you don't have someone to talk to about it, you can get depressed.
BS: I know… I think maybe I was, but I didn't think about it like that at the time. I just felt all these things and I couldn't sort it out, and I was tired, angry, and sad, and Edward was angry, probably sad too. I couldn't sort myself out, I felt I had to be all these women all the time and it was hard to switch between them. I still feel like that, but not as often as I used to.
EY: Tell me more about this.
BS: You know, you have all these roles to fill. Professional at work, mom with the kids, house keeper at home with the laundry, the cleaning, the food… and then I have to be a wife and a lover as well. I do the professional one incredibly well, I know I'm a good mom, and I take care of the house – well, Edward helps now - but the wife and lover part isn't something I feel I do very well.
EY: I have a question for you, Edward, about this. Would you say that Bella is an over-achiever?
EC: Oh, totally. Yes, she is.
BS: What? Why do you say that? I don't think I am. Hey, why did you ask Edward that and not me?
/Bella leans forward in her seat/
EY: Well, sometimes over-achievers don't think they are that way. It's not uncommon that they feel like they don't do enough, because they sometimes fail to meet their own standards. If you are an over-achiever, your standards are pretty high, and that is hard to live up to. This is, in turn, something that can cause feelings of guilt and not being good enough. The things you've been telling me kind of match that, don't you think?
BS: Yeah, maybe I do have high expectations on myself. But that's not bad, in my opinion.
EC: But Bella, you don't have to be good at everything. If you didn't do all the things you do at home, it would give me more room to be a good husband, too. You've already taken care of everything when I get home, and then there is nothing left for me to do. If you do it so well, then what can I do to contribute? Do you see what I mean?
/Bella is quiet for a minute/
BS: I guess you have a point, there. But I still don't think I'm an over-achiever. I just… I like to do well. I always have.
/Bella crosses her arms and glares/
EY: Doing well is not a bad thing. You've both done well today, but I'm sorry to say that time is up for this session. I'd like to talk to you each separately next week. Is that okay with you?
/Both nod/
EY: Right, then I'd like to meet you first, Bella. I feel that there are some questions I'd like to discuss further with you. What do you think?
BS: Um… yeah. I guess that would be good.
/Bella and Edward stand up, we shake hands and make new appointments/
Notes:
/Bella: I'm concerned that she doesn't want to discuss her previous relationships. Did she have issues with touching then as well? I wonder if there is a history of abuse, or even of past depressive behaviour. Her guilt and feelings of not being good enough must stem from something. How extensive are they? She's possibly dealing with PPD considering the timeline they described, with childbirth followed by the different issues. The anxiety when being touched, I can help her with ways to cope with it. Self treatment and different techniques to calm herself can be useful. Discuss medical options if she wants it./
/Edward: his temper seems to have been a problem. How can I help him work on that, to have a more relaxed life? He seems to be well aware of B's issues. Can he be helpful and supportive?/