Chapter 19: If Tonight is My Last (I)
Looking back on it now, you almost regret telling Leo to wait until morning to phone Kent. You had wanted this one, amazing night with Harry; your last night together for you didn't know how long. And you had it. The night was incredible. You faced the world together, you didn't crumble or fall apart – at least, not straight away.
But that night has left a residual tingle inside you over these last two months, one that you haven't been able to shake no matter what has happened. It has clung to you like a web; wrapped around you, suffocated you, made you smile, made you cry.
So, really, that 'last night' has become a constant reminder to you of what you have lost, of what you are missing out on.
The memory of what was said during those dark hours until dawn, of what was told, only made everything that has occurred since harder to deal with.
Even now, on this day, this life-changing day, you can feel his fingers on your skin, his whispers in your ear, his lips on yours.
You know you shouldn't. It's been long enough; you should have stopped pining for him by now, like some pathetic schoolgirl.
It was cruel, having something as amazing as that night – only to have the hope of it ever happening again snatched away from you such a short while afterward.
He gave it to you, and then he took it away.
But you wouldn't change a single moment, even if you were able to.
For it truly was a magnificent night...
Two hours. For over two hours both Harry and Nikki had been acting as if nothing at all had happened, as if the day was a perfectly normal one. Whether trying to block out the painful reality or avoid a confrontation, Nikki didn't know.
It was the elephant in the room that had now become this taboo topic, despite the fact that it was standing on their toes. The silence was pregnant with suppressed emotion. It pressed against Nikki's skull until finally the ache was too much and tears began to roll down her pale cheeks.
"I can't..." she mumbled.
Harry looked across from where he was sat on the sofa, pretending to read his magazine although his eyes had been staring at the same paragraph for the last fifteen minutes. "What?"
"I can't sit here and act like nothing is wrong," she told him thickly, her bottom lip quivering. "I told Leo to wait until morning so that we could have this special night, this night that I can look back on and remember with a smile, but how can I enjoy anything when I know what's coming?"
With a sad sigh, Harry moved and sat next to her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and tugging her against his comforting and familiar torso.
"You don't have to enjoy something, or have fun, for it to be special," he whispered, stroking her hair with a soothing regularity.
Breathing in the smell of him, Nikki supposed that he was right. "It just feels like ... like the world is falling apart," she muttered, not wanting him to think her stupid.
"That's because it is," he told her certainly and she looked up, shocked. "But that doesn't mean that we have to fall apart with it," he continued.
Prising herself away from him, Nikki sat up straight and looked him right in the eyes. "But what if-"
Harry pressed a finger to her lips, cutting her off. "No ifs, no buts," he warned. "Tonight is just about now, this moment in time, this one night. We're not going to think about tomorrow."
She smiled at him shakily. "That's easier said than done."
He gave her a long, sad look, using his thumb to wipe the tears from her cheeks. Then he smiled slightly and shook his head.
"What?" she asked.
"Nothing, really. Just ... how do you still manage to look so beautiful, even when you're a blubbering mess?"
Slapping him playfully on the chest, Nikki released a watery chuckle and said, "Shut up."
"No, I mean it," he said firmly, causing her stop laughing and gaze at him. "You're easily the most beautiful woman I've ever met."
The sincerity in his voice was overwhelming, made her head spin. She could do nothing but keep eye contact with him as his head drew nearer, until he became too close and she shut her eyes. A second later and his lips were pressed quickly against hers, then to each cheek and then the tip of her nose. Unable to prevent a giggle escaping her lips, Nikki smiled at Harry.
He grinned back at her. "Come on," he said, getting to his feet and walking across the room to the stereo.
"What are you doing?" she asked him, torn between annoyance and amusement.
"Putting on some music." He rolled his eyes.
"Yes, but why?"
"I think you'll find dancing is extremely difficult and awkward without music," he said simply.
"Who's dancing?" she asked, a smile playing on her lips.
"You are," he grinned, grabbing her hand and pulling her up just as the sound of gentle music filled the room.
"I don't dance," she protested as Harry dragged her into the middle of the room, pushing the coffee table aside with his foot in the process.
"Well nor do I," he told her. "But we're going to."
"Harry..."
"Don't 'Harry' me. We're doing this."
Nikki couldn't help but giggle as he took one of her hands and placed the other on her waist with a flourish. Then he began to spin them both quickly around the room, completely inappropriately for the relatively slow music, until she was laughing hysterically, tripping over her own feet, her hair whipping around her face.
"Harry! Stop spinning me, I'm going to throw up!" she cried, a massive smile plastered onto her face.
Suddenly, Harry stopped. "Oh, thank God," she muttered. The world continued spinning around her, she felt slightly dizzy and disoriented. Both of them still laughing, she stepped closer to Harry, placing her hands on his chest and gripping his shirt in her fists as she rested her forehead on his shoulder and attempted to get her breath and steadiness back.
"You're mad," she giggled.
"I'm a mad person who loves you," he reasoned.
Smiling, Nikki removed her head from his shoulder and looked up at him.
"I love you too."
They looked at each other for a minute, before Harry opened his mouth to say something, then closed it again. Waiting, Nikki watched as he repeated this action twice more. She raised her eyebrows at him, but he didn't seem to notice.
"Nikki?" he said eventually, but stopped again.
"Yes, Harry?"
"Will you – I mean, I ... It's just-"
"Spit it out, man," she grinned.
He took a deep breath, held it for a moment, before releasing it slowly and saying, "I love you."
Her brows furrowed, Nikki was fully aware that that wasn't what he was intending to say. "You just said that."
"Well, I'm saying it again," he smiled.
"Right then. Well, I love you too. Again," she told him.
Chuckling, Harry pulled her closer to him. Nikki hooped her arms around his neck. She decided not to press him on what he was originally planning on telling her. He'd do it in his own time, she knew that.
They never broke their gaze as they revolved slowly on the spot, a lot calmer and more controlled than the last time. Feeling completely content and at peace with the world, Nikki closed the already small gap between them and lay her cheek on Harry's shoulder.
"I know you said no ifs and no buts," she said quietly. "But I just want you to know that if the worst does happen tomorrow, then I'll still be here for you."
Harry stopped moving, so Nikki pulled her head back to look at him.
"Do you mean that?" he asked uncertainly.
"Of course I do!" she assured him. "I love you, and I'm not going anywhere. We're in this together, Harry. And I will do everything I can to prove your innocence."
Looking slightly tearful, Harry seemed to be lost for words. He shook his head slightly at her, smiling. "You're bloody brilliant, you are."
Nikki grinned. "I know.
Chuckling, he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and said, "I'm going to kiss you now."
Pretending to think for a moment, Nikki shrugged before saying, "If you must."
He placed one hand on her cheek, his thumb tracing the contours of her face from her temple to her chin, where he then guided it up to her lips. A moment later and it was his lips brushing against hers, ever-so-lightly at first, then more firmly as she began to reciprocate.
It was a kiss that they'd shared many times before, a kiss like any other; soft, slow, gentle – but at the same time it was completely different. Nikki could feel herself melting at his touch, becoming lost in him entirely. Despite the need for air that was becoming more and more prominent, she was desperate not to break the connection. It felt like some sort of magical bond, where nothing could get to them, nothing could hurt or destroy them. Because they were in love, and they had this something special, and everything was how it should be.
It was Harry who pulled back first. Nikki kept her eyes closed for a moment longer, before reluctantly opening them and taking a breath. He smiled slightly as he pressed another quick kiss to her forehead. "Here," he said, offering his hands.
Clasping them like he was saving her from some terrible fate, Nikki allowed him to lead her across the room. He was walking backwards, and she couldn't help but giggle when he bumped into the doorframe. Releasing one of her hands so that he could rub the back of his head, he said, "It's not funny. You could have warned me."
"Now where's the fun in that?" she quipped, smiling.
By the time they entered the bedroom, Nikki was smiling broadly. Harry, too, was grinning. Still gripping her hands, he pulled her closer until she was practically pressed against him.
"It's always been you, Nikki," he murmured, gently stroking her hair.
"I know," she smiled softly, and before she could say another word his lips were upon hers once more. Together, they fell back onto the bed, Harry towering over Nikki.
Her hands snaking under his shirt, Nikki grinned. Putting on an exaggerated French accent and attempting to hide her smirk, she said huskily, "Make luuurve to me, Doctor Cunning'am."
Laughing loudly, Harry shook his head. "I always knew you were a closet romantic."
"Shut up and do as I say," she said, mock-glaring at him.
"Now that's more like the Nikki I know," he winked, before trailing a succession of small kisses across her jaw and down her neck as she giggled loudly, burying her fingers in his hair in a desperate attempt to pull him closer.
A peaceful silence accompanied the post-coital slumber of the troubled couple, broken only by the regular rhythm of a ticking clock.
"I love this," Harry said quietly. "I could stay here forever."
Nikki was glad that she had her back to Harry and he didn't see the tears that filled her eyes when she realised that that wasn't going to happen.
Harry clearly knew what she was thinking, because he ran his fingers along the top of her arm and said, "No tomorrow, remember?"
She nodded, but couldn't help longing that he meant that in a literal sense. The idea of just staying curled up in bed together, their own little sanctuary, with no chance of any scary 'tomorrow's or 'next week's, was so appealing that Nikki couldn't help but wish with all her heart that it was true.
Except the scientist within her - the pessimist within her - reminded her harshly that even they, with their unconventional relationship, couldn't break the laws of physics.
"You know," Harry said suddenly, pressing a kiss to her bare shoulder, "We've survived worse than this before."
It was almost as if he'd read her mind, yet bringing up that forbidden topic only made it that little bit more painfully real.
"I thought we weren't talking about the future?" she scowled.
"We're not, we're talking about the present. And I'm just saying: we've been through worse."
"No, we haven't," she told him quietly, gazing at the opposite wall.
"Err, Nikki – you've faced death. More than once. I think that's worse than me going to prison."
Rolling over so that she was facing him, Nikki gave him a long, hard look before saying, "That day when you found me in the hospital basement, unconscious and bleeding, how did you feel?"
She watched as Harry's eyes darkened and his face paled at the memory of it.
"Terrified," he whispered. "You looked so fragile that I was scared to touch you in case you fell apart. I put my jacket over you to keep you warm and called an ambulance, but there was nothing else I could do. I just kept thinking: 'I have all this medical training, why aren't I using it?' but I didn't know what to do. So I sat and held your hand whilst waiting for the paramedics, begging you to hold on and not to leave me... It was the scariest moment of my life, the idea that you might suddenly cease to exist in my world anymore. The thought that you could be snatched away from me was all-consuming. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think..."
Tears sparkling in her eyes, Nikki said, "That's how I feel now. How I feel all the time. I know that prison is horrible for you, I get that. But it's different for me. Because you will be somewhere new, and you will learn to adjust to the new environment and survive. But I can't do that, Harry. I will still be stuck here in my same old life, with my same old job and same old apartment and same old routine ... Except you won't be in it anymore. And I don't know if I can handle that."
"Oh, Nikki," Harry said sadly, pulling her against him. He wrapped his arms tightly around her waist and buried his head in her shoulder, pressing kisses to the crook of her neck.
"So, you see, Harry," she said, making a vain attempt at keeping calm and not falling apart, "this couldn't be worse for me."
His eyes, filled with tears, met hers over the top of the pillow.
"Come on," he told her, climbing out of bed.
Frowning at him as he started pulling on his boxers and jeans, Nikki said, "What are you doing?"
"We're going out, so get dressed," he told her simply, tugging a jumper over his head.
"Harry, it's nearly nine o'clock. Where are we going?"
"You'll see," he grinned.
Half-amused, half-exasperated, Nikki slipped out of bed and picked up her jeans.
I strongly dislike this chapter. It caused me nearly three weeks of writer's block. So therefore I am just going to upload it because I have to and it's relatively important, and quickly go and upload the next one now, which was a whole lot easier to write when this monstrosity was out of the way.