Chapter 20
Fatigue
Life with the ferals became even worse. Dumbledore had agreed on the date set by Remus, but right now Remus wasn't too sure that he would make it that long. Wherever he turned, someone of the pack stood behind him, next to him or in front of him. They never let their eyes wander somewhere else. Sometimes Remus didn't know why they didn't just kill him right away. Why were they wasting their time following him everywhere he went? The horrid thought that they might have come to the conclusion that he was a spy came up in his mind. Were they trying to follow him to the source of his mission? Did they want to know who was interested in the doings of their beloved leader? No matter if his suggestions were right or not, he would definitely have a hard time escaping them to report to Dumbledore. At least without bringing half of the pack with him. As it was now, they didn't even let him get lost in his thoughts any more. There was no time of the day, not even the night, where he could allow himself to think of Tonks. He knew his life was on the line right know. And people tend to do stupid things when they know that they're going to die. He didn't want to end up at Tonks' apartment, together with a dozen ferals.
The date came closer. Remus still had no idea how to get out of the colony without being seen. Not with all those men on his heels. To his utmost surprise, it was Jordan who offered him the solution.
"I know you're up to something, Lupin. I want you to talk to me. To all of us. Now."
He had put on a bitter grimace, much like the others. It was just a fraction of a second, but Remus saw his wink and understood immediately.
"I don't know what you mean, Jordan. I'm not up to anything. There is nothing to talk about."
He did his best to look as arrogant as possible.
"Of course you know, Lupin. You're sneaking around all the time. There is something wrong with you. The pack wants to know what. We can't let you stay here if you're going to betray us in any way, Lupin."
"I'm not planning to betray you. I never would."
"Then why did you live with those bloody wizards all that time? Why didn't you come to us earlier? There is something you don't tell us and I would prefer this to follow you into your grave."
Jordan cowered down in order to attack Remus. He jumped at him and the fight broke lose. None of them was actually trying to hurt the other, but they had to make it look like that. A fight would give Remus the opportunity to steal away from the colony for a time without being doubted. It was usual that the one who lost would disappear for a while before he came back and had to start anew in the hierarchy of the pack. Jordan would prove himself and could be of more use to Remus' cause and the fact that he had voiced their doubts would make them less of a problem. Maybe they would stop following him as soon as he would come back.
There where whistles and cheering. The pack loved fights like this. Preferably around or during the full moon, to get sure somebody would die or be severely injured. Remus and Jordan did their best to give them a show. Remus hated this sort of a row and he certainly wasn't too fond of the idea to be the one that would have to lose. His nose was already bleeding and he was quite sure that some of his ribs were broken. When he felt a hard punch hitting his head, he let himself fall back on the floor. He tried to whimper authentically, which wasn't too hard as the punch really had been painful. There were catcalls, probably because the fight was already over. Definitely not because they felt sorry for Remus.
When the cheering part of the bystanders surrounded Jordan to congratulate him to his victory over the suspicious old Lupin, the latter clandestinely made his way out of the colony's area to apparate somewhere near his meeting point with Dumbledore. The meeting wouldn't be for another few days, but Jordan hadn't known about any of it, so he had to be grateful even though his body ached everywhere. Without this little, spontaneous manoeuvre he wouldn't have gotten out there, especially not in time to give his report. And although they had been far more askant about him those last days, the fact that there always had been someone around him had allowed him enough information on their plans to prevent some of them. At least he hoped so.
So a few minutes later, Remus hobbled into the Hogshead. Aberforth hardly looked up before he directed him into one of his rooms. He knew about the meeting and that Remus would appear in Hogsmeade sooner or later, so it had been reserved for him. Remus was grateful that Aberforth didn't lose a word about his state and decided to have some rest before examining his injuries. As soon as he had fallen onto the quite comfortable bed, he was asleep.
XxxxxxxxxX
It still was hard on Tonks. She did her duty, made her shifts, ate, drank, visited her parents and Giovanni and Robert. She made reports to Dumbledore and attended the meetings. But inside she still felt as dead as the day Remus had walked away from her without a word. She woke up every morning, remembering his cold words and his nonexistent reaction to her confession. It hurt every time she thought of it. As much as she tried to distract herself, from time to time there would be something or someone that reminded her of the situation. Sometimes she thought she saw Remus walking past her, but she would just shake her head. Remus was with the ferals, he wasn't in Hogsmeade. She most probably would never see him again. Chasing hallucinations wouldn't make him love her.
Then the new term at Hogwarts started. It was Tonks' task to check on the Hogwarts Express and the pupils on the platform. She looked for the ones she knew, like Harry, Hermione, Ron and Ginny. But although she saw the last three, there was no trace of Harry. She walked down the train to check if he was still in there. But what would he do there without his friends? If he had been late with his cloak, the other would have waited for him. But they had boarded the carriages without taking a second glance. When Tonks looked back to her left, they were all gone. There was something wrong.
She followed her paths down the train. Suddenly, she noticed something: One of compartments had its blinds down. Carefully, Tonks boarded the train, wand at ready. She opened the door and peered into the compartment. No one. But Harry had to be somewhere. She was sure she wouldn't have lost him in the crowd. He was so tall by now.
A thought struck her. The invisibility cloak! Of course. He must have stayed behind to do whatsoever without being seen. And something went wrong. Tonks waved her wand and a simple 'Accio' uncovered Harry, obviously stunned and in a quite uncomfortable-looking position, his nose still bleeding. Another wave of her wand and he was able to move again. The rest could be arranged later for she already felt the train moving beneath her feet.
They quickly jumped off the outgoing train. Tonks looked at Harry a little closer. Although it was dark, she could see that he still looked like a mess. There was blood all over his face and his nose seemed to be broken. She offered him to fix it and simply didn't react to his suspicious expression. She always had been good at healing spells, seeing that she needed them quite often. Afterwards, she led him up to school. There was no way they could have apparated and he had missed the carriages. Tonks sent a patronus to let Hagrid know that everything was fine and that he should collect Harry from the gate. Hogwarts' gates were impassable now, otherwise Harry wouldn't be able to get into the school.
The whole way was accompanied by an awkward silence. Harry hadn't reacted to her question about what had happened and she couldn't pretend that she was extremely curious about it. Back then, before this war and before Remus' rejection and cold goodbye, she would have been. But now her mind was somewhere entirely else. Tonks could feel Harry's pitying and curious looks on her, but she wouldn't answer to whatever he would ask. She understood why her changed appearance and behaviour would make him curious, but whatever he pitied her for, she was sure he wouldn't know the real reason of her misery.
Up at the school, she waited for Hagrid to come. Harry became impatient and tried to make it through the gate on his own. Tonks did nothing to hold him back. She knew he would be in far better company in a few minutes. Relief flooded through her as she saw the little light in the distance, but the feeling vanished immediately when she saw Snape's cold eyes. Her heart beat faster. He had seen her patronus. He knew. He probably had known before, along with Molly, Sirius and Dumbledore.
The first time she had seen her patronus after Remus' leaving, she had been shocked. She knew that her love was true, but she hadn't expected her patronus to change its form because of her feelings for him. Especially not after he had rejected her like that. It was weaker than her old one - which was normal considering her all but happy state – and it was so... well, big. Beforehand, it had been a parrot. A very colourful parrot, although you couldn't see it in the silvery glow. But she had been sure of it. And now it was this. A large wolf. A werewolf. Remus. Her heart and soul. That was why it had changed. The other half of her soul was gone, she was ripped apart and so her patronus had changed to express her feelings. It couldn't replace the real Remus, but she was glad to see it. It reminded her that she was right, that her feelings were indeed as deep as she had told him. And that she had every reason to keep fighting for him.
But right now, she was anything but glad about its form. Snape had his usual evil grin plastered on his face and he made more than one allusion on both her patronus and her feelings. Harry started to look confused, but Snape at least had the decency to bring him up to school instead of revealing her feelings for Remus to him. Fury and shock fought inside of her. She always had hated Snape, but she was sure she never had hated anyone as much as she was hating him at this very moment. He played his mean games with her and thought he could get away with it. This was none of his business. When he continued dropping such comments, soon enough everyone would know what her misery was about. She didn't want to be pitied by the whole order. Tonks had fought hard for the respect she had gathered at work and in the order and she didn't want to be treated as a schoolgirl with a crush that didn't know what to do. Her feelings were far more than a crush and she certainly did understand her job. She had been of the best in Auror training and Mad-Eye was proud of her for a reason. Snape had no right to destroy her efforts, no matter how miserable his own life was. Hopefully some Death Eater would recognize him as a spy and get rid of him. It wasn't like he could report anything useful.
Sighing, Tonks turned and went back to Hogsmeade. Half way down, she decided elsewise. She sat down on the ground, pulled her wand out and conjured her patronus. Its light illuminated the area and part of the forest that surrounded the path. She looked at it intently. The silvery wolf sat back and met her gaze, cocking his head to the side. It had Remus' eyes. She couldn't make out the colour in the glowing light, but she simply knew it. She tried to become lost in those eyes, as lost as she had been whenever her gaze had locked to long with Remus'. It didn't work, but she remembered the kiss and the way he had looked at her before he had taken that step forward. She remembered the feeling of his lips against hers, of his tongue, his smell, his beautiful eyes... The light became more intense and Tonks closed her eyes and searched inside her head. She searched for precious memories like that kiss. There were several, mostly thanks to Sirius' cooperation. She chased every other thought out of her head and concentrated on those moments with Remus. Her heart beat so fast its noise nearly drowned out the wind in the trees. Soon she noticed the light of her patronus through her closed eyelids, but she didn't care. She revelled in her memories, feeling safe and secure, like he was with her.
She stayed like that for a while, before she finally opened her eyes. The wolf was even more beautiful by now, shining down the path. Remus. She reached out to touch him, but as soon as her hand met the silvery shine, the wolf disappeared and she was left in the dark, feeling more empty than ever. Tonks didn't want to descend to Hogsmeade, knowing that she wouldn't be able to sleep this night. Her longing for Remus was so intense after her little session. She knew she couldn't take sleeping in an empty bed. So she curled up next to the bath, in the dark shadows of the forest, crying herself to a very ungentle sleep.