Chapter 19

Elladan was exhausted. Having found a flagon of dwarven ale he had forgotten his previous misery and had allowed his mind to wander onto more interesting matters than the fact that no one seemed to like him any more. So Elladan had been chasing a nice looking blonde from Rohan whom he'd quite failed to recognise as being Eowyn. Surprisingly, she had been easily running out of arm's reach but only just ahead of him for nearly four hours, and still did not seem tired. Thinking that this stamina would make her an excellent wife for him (he always thought dirty in these situations), he continued in his pursuit, and taking a leaf out of a Greenleaf's book, he began to sing a merry love song at the same time.

"A maiden of Rohan there was,

Who never married because

She once met an elf

Which changed her inner self

She then could not see

Any male beyond me"

This had rapidly proved to be counterproductive and seemed to only annoy Eowyn further - as her ideas about hunky men were not people who ran around for hours singing gruesome love songs. Her ideal man was a dangerous fighter, a King of some important place, a ranger by trade, and, in a word, Aragorn, who suited those roles rather nicely. This one didn't even sport a broad sword, which in Eowyn's opinion was a fairly poor show of things.

Thinking it might be easiest to stop and face this insane elf and fight him, the former shield maiden of Rohan halted suddenly and drew her sword.

Elladan suddenly saw this elegant Lady halt and turn to face him. Thinking he had caught her interest at last he dashed over to her only to feel a heavy blow to the side of the head, stars appeared and then he passed out.

Eowyn sighed. All men were the same. None of them had any stamina.

Elrond's Study

"What is this Elrond!? Some form of humour?!" Cirdan had in hand a copy of Bilbo's book (courtesy of Erestor) and was fuming at Elrond about it. Bilbo had found some rumours of a story that had involved Cirdan the Shipwright with a few Ladies of negligible reputation. Filthy hobbit that he was, he had written every one of the different accounts in his book; he'd discussed them, analysed them, crossed them against each other to derive proof of key facts, and given marks out of ten. He had even somehow managed to squeeze some lewd jokes criticising aspects of the fairer race. The whole report was spread over eight of the three hundred and twenty four chapters in Bilbo's new book. Cirdan had been depicted as a sorry case of a sailor who never did anything except drink, gamble and sing.

Cirdan, naturally wishing to keep hold of his somewhat shaky reputation, couldn't see the funny side to this and was now complaining in the strongest possible terms.

"Why do you let that stupid hobbit stay here? Come to that, why do you let any of them stay here?" Cirdan had steam coming out his nostrils. "AND MORE TO THE POINT, WHY DID YOU ASK ME TO COME HERE?!"

Elrond was by now tired of Cirdan's complaints. The noble Shipwright had no sense of humour, nor did he have any respect for his host's hearing, which had taken several blows in the past few days. Before Elrond could make any reply, a knock sounded at the door, and Bilbo poked his head into the room.

"My dear sirs," he cried with a vast amount of enthusiasm, "How are you this fine day?" here the hobbit addressed Elrond, "I have come to inquire after my book. Perhaps you have not had time to read it, for I know that you are a very busy sort of person, and what with the grandson and the wedding of your other daughter coming up…" Bilbo winked at Cirdan in a knowing sort of way. "Which I believe the WMU are going to organise, according to my 'little birdies' who rarely get this sort of thing wrong you understand."

It was at this point that another knock resounded on the other door. Haldir and Legolas walked in dragging an unconscious Elladan by the legs. Dumping him on the hearth rug, they began to relate the strange tale to Elrond, who took no notice of his son. It was obvious to all present that the Master of Imladris was still annoyed about his unexpected house guests.

"It was odd," Legolas said with a hint of amusement, "He was running after this Rohan girl, who I think is called Eowyn. She fancied Aragorn for a while, and then, seeing as he was besotted with that…" Legolas paused, he had a great many reasons to dislike Arwen "..mindless, empty-headed, flirtatious, daddy's girl of a -"

"Beautiful daughter of yours," Haldir continued after subtly hitting Legolas, "Started running after Faramir."

"Anyway," Legolas took over again, remembering that being a Prince meant he was more important than a Warden of the March, and more importantly his hair was much nicer, "After four hours or so of running around, this blonde girl stops, draws her sword and hits him round the head with it. For no apparent reason either."

"Indeed," Haldir put in, looking deeply thoughtful, "'Twas a most perplexing mystery. Anyone watching would have though that she had finally given up and was going to fall into his arms, but no. Indeed no."

Elrond was amused. Evidently these wild shield maidens of Rohan had more to them than met the eye. Maybe he should pencil in a visit to them before he left Middle Earth.

Kicking Elladan in the ribs, Haldir smirked. "What an idiot. To think that she would go for someone like him. He doesn't even have blonde hair." Here Haldir tossed his own matted greasy locks and looked incredibly smug.

Grinning from pointed ear to pointed ear, Legolas looked up to see a vaguely annoyed Elrond. Hastily rethinking, he corrected his stupid friend's mistake. "What he means, Master Elrond, is that although your son has your good looks, he evidently doesn't have your superb intelligence. I mean, would you spend four hours chasing a woman, and then be dim enough to get hit around the head by her?"

"And more to the point," Bilbo put in, delighted to have found yet more silly doings of the elves to put in his book, "She is a married one as well. Lord Faramir will be ever so angry." He reached into his pocket and retrieved a pen and small notebook with which he started jotting down notes.

Haldir nodded in vicious agreement. "It will not do to tell him. Otherwise the son of our good host will be a stupid dead elf."

"We certainly cannot have that." Here the hobbit paused. "But it would make a brilliant start to chapter Ninety two."

Elrond laughed. Cirdan looked as though he could not quite decide as to delight in a dead Elladan or to be extremely annoyed at the total lack of respect that these stupid blonde elves were showing on top of the downright lies that the hobbit had spun about him. It was at this moment that Elladan began to show signs of life.

No one seemed even vaguely interested in him, so Bilbo took the matters into his own hands. Picking up the wine decanter which normally stood on Elrond's desk, before anyone could stop him, he proceeded to tip the contents of it over Elladan's head. This had the advantage of reviving Elladan considerably.

Shaking his head a couple of times, he looked around in a dazed fashion, trying to see who was in the room, but his vision had been a little damaged by the blow to the head. What he saw was a very little person standing over him, Eowyn standing beside him, and his father and mother standing beside the fireplace. It did not occur to him that his mother was in Valinor and Eowyn would not be anywhere near him. Taking hold of Haldir's leg, he kissed it rapturously, and he asked when their the wedding would be.

With a slight grunt, Elladan got up. Smiling very sweetly at a rather green-looking Haldir, he kissed his cheek and again asked when their wedding would take place.

Haldir reached for Bilbo's book that was on the table beside him and without hesitation he swung it at Elladan with all his might. The book connected with an already bruised Elladan, making him fall once more to the floor, knocking him out completely. Giving the elf a sharp kick in the ribs again, Haldir turned on his heel and stormed out, muttering darkly about how certain elves should not be allowed to cross the sea on any circumstances at all.

Elrond turned to Bilbo (who was once again scrawling notes down about how so many species had been completely deceived by the fairer race for many centuries) and politely requested that he leave his host in peace so that he might confer with Cirdan as to when he could sail from Middle Earth.

Grinning wickedly Bilbo headed off to the headquarters of the WMU.

The North West Tower room

Arwen was very excited, as were the rest of the WMU. The room had been greatly improved thanks to their ministrations, and now it looked the perfect place for a romantic rescue to take place. They had managed between them to make up a bed (not very successfully as Galadriel and Arwen had never done it before and Rosie was too small), the curtain had been removed so that the view could be seen from the bed, the harp that had been removed from Lindir's keeping had almost been tuned and they had found the perfect dress for Idril to wear.

The draught, the peeling paintwork and the spiders they had on consideration left, as it was agreed that if the room was too romantic the happy couple would never want to leave it.

Smiling at her fellow WMU members, Arwen began to run over the plans again.

"So now that we've sorted the room out, we go and have afternoon tea, whilst the heavies are capturing Idril. Once she's caught we will subtly inform Legolas of his love's distress. He will then rescue her, she will fall madly in love with him and so they will all live happily ever after."

Galadriel and Rosie nodded. Smiling happily, they made their way back to their appointed meeting room for afternoon tea.

Merry and Pippin had taken it upon themselves to act as waiters to the WMU that afternoon, in the hope of food and gossip. Knowing that if they didn't go in disguise they would be recognised and sent away by Rosie, they had cunningly dressed up (with the help of Elrohir) as elf-children. The Ladies did not notice the hairy feet of the waiters. Nor did it occur to them that there had not been any elflings for an age. Later on, Bilbo – who'd paid heavily for their espionage services - would be overjoyed.

The "Romantic" Glade

Aragorn was sitting in one of the gardens, savouring a moment of peace, despite the absence of his beloved wife. He had decided that he could not be away from his Kingdom for more than another week, and his dear wife would have to come back to Gondor with him, lest she stay and be parted from him forever. A sudden thought crossed his mind. Would she, on return to Gondor, set up a working mother's union? If she was going to, then she evidently did not have enough to do. Maybe she could make herself more useful in the kitchens.

A sudden argument broke the peace of Imladris. Idril suddenly dashed past him as though she had a dragon on her tail.

"It wasn't my fault you stupid elf" Gimli bellowed. "You were meant to catch her, I was going to tie her up."

"You make too much noise," Haldir bellowed. "It was totally your fault. If you hadn't been here then she would have been mine."

"Shut up, damn elf," another dwarf snapped. "Yelling at us wont get her captured. She'll only run further.

"I'm not the one shouting!" An irate Haldir roared. "You're the ones who started it!"

Aragorn growled. He remembered the plans of the blasted WMU and it seemed that these imbeciles had been sent to catch Idril. Annoyed at having his peace ruined yet again, the King of Gondor, who had more names than the number of grains of sand upon the sea shore arose and decided to sort the argument out. After all, being as important as he was, everyone was bound to listen.

Walking over to the deranged dwarves and manic elf, the former ranger politely inquired as to what the argument was about.

Without any hesitation they told him.

An hour later, Aragorn managed to get a word in.

"May I offer my skills as a ranger?" Aragorn politely asked in the middle of another argument. "I was fortunate enough to see her run off. I know how to catch the maidens," here he gave a very sly grin, "I have had a lot of practise."

"That's how you won Arwen isn't it?" Haldir screeched in rage, "You made her jealous by flirting-"

"My dearest Haldir, jealousy is a very powerful weapon, and one maidens are highly prone to falling for." Aragorn gave him a dazzling smile. "Now do you want me to find this Idril or not?"

Gimli grunted in agreement. Haldir stuck out his bottom lip. "Only if I can tie her up."

A Different Shady Grove

Idril was beginning to wish she had never been part of inviting everyone here. She could go nowhere now without people flirting with her, asking her to marry, laughing at her (damn that stupid brother-in-law) or attacking her. Evidently Gimli didn't like her anymore.

Giving a deep sigh, she sank down onto a fallen tree. She had managed to escape her attackers, and was now in a shady grove of one of the woods surrounding the gardens, when Aragorn suddenly appeared.

Giving a polite smile, he asked after her health.

Idril looked sceptical. "I am more than somewhat annoyed at you, father, Legolas, the WMU and just about everyone else, but apart from that I am fine Aragorn. And would you do me the honour of telling me why you burst into fits of laughter every time you see me?"

Aragorn looked passive. He had spent the last ten minutes looking for her, (his ranger skills were still up to scratch) and all he now had to do was capture her (allowing Haldir to tie her up, though Gimli wanted to tie the knots), and then he could watch as Legolas was got several black eyes and the WMU got a rude awakening. He knew that if he made a mess of this he would be deprived of amusement that he had looked forward to for several days.

Sitting down beside her (slightly too near for Idril's taste) he gallantly told her that he had been told a dreadful falsehood about her, which he had found vastly amusing. He had, of course, found the source of this falsehood and had dealt with it accordingly. As a King his sense of justice and defence of Ladies was second to none. However, before then he had found the mere sight of her vastly amusing. Taking her hands in his, he asked her again if she was truly well, as she had not been seen for several days in the great halls of Imladris.

It was at this moment that Haldir leapt from the tree above her, knocking both ranger and maiden from their seat. Idril found her hands were tied, and before she could utter a sound, Gimli had rushed from under cover, and gagged her, shouting rude insults at Haldir, who had not let him tie the knots. Several other dwarves who were also in on the job rushed into the clearing doing a dwarven war dance. Idril was bagged up, and taken to the WMU.