It had already been three lonely nights.
Akesato felt her left foot go numb from sitting in the same position for hours, but she didn't even raise her head. Her limp body was rested on the floor, her head lowered on the window sill.
She had been waiting. Patiently at first, but even so, patience has its limits. And now it seemed if he still would have yet to return, she would scream. This was all his fault. Where was he? Why hadn't he informed her of his whereabouts? Naturally, she blamed him.
The scratching on the shoji annoyed her, causing the thoughts in her mind to spin even faster. Despite continually emphasizing how she wanted to be alone, the girls were constantly checking up on her. It wasn't their fault that they were worried, but sometimes, all she needed was solitude. Undoubtedly, the only comforting companionship would have belonged to the man she loved, and that was what she craved so much for the past few days.
Akesato blinked her crystal blue eyes, turning to the intruder of her privacy. It turned out to be Saya, and this time the mute girl held a letter in her hands.
Like a predator, the woman immediately leapt up, grabbing the letter eagerly with trembling hands.
Saya backed out of the room politely, watching her geisha sister scan the contents of the letter with teary eyes, and a shaking lower lip. She knew the letter was from that man who often came to visit Akesato, and she was happy that the older woman would finally regain her happiness.
Meet me at the bridge nearby tonight.
Akesato crumpled the letter, holding it tightly close to her chest. There was no hesitation or doubt in her mind.
Grabbing the nearest cloak, she fled.
-
Her wooden sandals clunk against the empty bridge, the soft sound echoing in the silence of the night. It is cold, and Akesato pulls the cloak tighter around her, the cloth covering her hair and the lower region of her face.
He is nowhere to be found, and she feels her heart drop as disappointment overcomes her. Perhaps it had been just a prank, or maybe he had no intention of seeing someone as unworthy as her after all.
Akesato..
Her mind begins to play tricks on her, and she swears she hears that warm familiar voice whisper her name.
Akesato, I'm here..
She widens her eyes, and looks down over the side of the bridge, to catch a silhouette standing under the bridge. And she feels her own heart leap for joy. Without thinking, she runs down the sloping bank to the man who had called her out here tonight.
He was there, and that was all that mattered. Even when she feels herself slip on the grassy bank, falling helplessly down the steep slope, she doesn't panic.
Because when she reaches the bottom, two arms outstretched reach for her slender body, and she finds herself enveloped in a warm hug. Simply put, he was there, and she would never be alone.
I'm sorry..
Those were the only words that she hears from him, as he holds her tightly in his arms. He apologises for calling her out in the middle of the night, and she violently pulls herself out of his embrace, berating him for talking nonsense, and how he wasn't telling her everything. She tells him tearfully that he would have to commit seppuku, should the Shinsengumi find him. He calmly replies that he is aware of that, and whichever path he chooses would mean death anyway. Then he goes on about how useless he is, and yet tells her that it all doesn't matter, because as long as he can help her, that would be enough for him.
Akesato can no longer take his kind of depressing talk, and how he still refuses to tell her what is going on between him and the Shinsengumi. She completely pushes him away forcibly, and tells him to let her go when he grabs her wrist. She yells that she doesn't want it this way, that she doesn't want him to hold her any longer.
But you really love me..
His words are like razors through her heart, and she realises that this man had actually seen through her like a clear piece of glass. He knew everything about her, her past, her secrets, her feelings, and yet she knew nothing about him. Akesato feels her eyes become teary once again, and this time the tears roll down her cheeks freely and she hears her own sobs become louder as she collapses helplessly, feeling bare and transparent before him.
Then two warm hands cup her face ever so gently, and reach for the clips that hold the brown wig down over her own blonde hair. He releases them gently, and tosses the wig on the grassy bank while letting her blonde hair fall freely down her shoulders in locks.
Your golden and silky hair colour, its beautiful. They compliment your eyes. There's no need for you to put on a facade in my presence. Besides, your Kyoto accent has never been very accurate..
She turns red at his teasing, both worried and relieved that he knew all along who she really was. She then pushes him down on the grassy bank in retaliation to his teasing, and the both of them laugh as if there's no tomorrow while embracing each other once again.
Then the atmosphere turns serious all at once, and he no longer smiles, but gives her a down to earth stare full of sincerity and pleading.
Come.. Come and live with me. I'll go into hiding, then we'll cross the mountain together, and we'll go to a place I know, that they'll never find us. So come with me, and we'll live together...
Her heart gives a lurch as she hears his request, and Akesato isn't completely assured. It was true that he knew how much she loved him, and would give up anything and everything just for his sake. But this man had yet to directly tell her that he loved her just as much. She feels as if he knew her inside out, and yet she herself hardly knew anything about him. So she asks him, feeling filthy compared to his saint-like personality, whether he does like her, even though she has been tainted with the touch of many other men. She tells him that she will neither lie, nor sell him out, but for a woman like her to love a pure man like him, would be a complete waste.
She feels herself crying bitterly once again, when he does not give a reply. She fears he is indeed contemplating his own decision, and probes him once again for an answer if he really does love her.
Let's live together alright? I don't care about your past...
It' is not a direct answer, but it is enough to convince her that it was only right she should go with him. All that mattered, after all, was that she could be with him. In the absence of his presence, there would be no longer any meaning for Akesato in life.
As long as you're around, I'll be able to live on.
And it is exactly the same for Yamanami as well.
-
Yamanami trudged slowly down the empty road, the straw head on his head pulled over to cover his eyes. That night he had already planned to meet Akesato outside one of the restaurants, where they would run away, cross the mountains and flee from the pursuing Shinsengumi.
Yet somehow it pained him, with each step he took further down the lane. Perhaps it was the pain from the fear of being caught. There was always the chance that they might be unable to escape, then there was no other choice than to face seppuku.
But then, deeper inside of him, Yamanami knew that it pained him to leave the Shinsengumi. As much as he refused to admit it, it was as if a piece of him had already been left behind when he left the place. At first, he reasoned that the emptiness he felt inside was due to the consistent haunting guilt of the murder of the previous commander. Up until now, such fleeting memories had caused twinges of pain whenever he thought about drawing his sword. However, since he left, it seemed as if there were some kind of a hole in his heart that could no longer be filled. Indeed, he sought refuge in Akesato, but there was an undeniable sense of loss when he thought about how he would never see them again.
As much as the differences they faced, these were after all, the people he saw as family.
'Yamanami-san! Come on and give us a hand!'
Flushed in the face, and his cold breath forming in the air, the first unit captain calls out cheerfully to the vice-commander who sits on the steps watching Souji and a few kids build a snowman. They are having difficulty heaving a big snowball on to a second one to form the head of the snowman, and Souji cannot do it one his own.
'Haha.. Yet again Souji? You never do grow up do you?' Yamanami laughs, getting up from his seat and heading towards the kids to give them a hand.
The snowman is quickly completed, and Yamanami stands back to admire their finished work. The children are excited, and argue if it should be a samurai or a princess. Souji laughs at them in a joyous laughter, and suggests it be a princess judging from its fair and round face.
The vice-commander savours the sweetness of the youth around him and thinks back to how Souji had once been like them.
'I remember the first time I met you..' Yamanami tells the first unit captain, 'You were barely a year older than these kids here.'
'Ahh, but I wasn't as innocent and sweet as them.' Souji comments, a hint of sadness in his voice. Both men know exactly what is meant, as they gaze at the purity of the children in the white snow.
Souji quickly changes the subject, scribbling in the snow with his index finger. 'It's so cold.' He complains, 'And the year is already drawing to an end. Time sure flies especially fast when we're in Kyoto. Why, just last year it was all leisurely and relaxed, yet this year was so hectic and busy. Pretty soon we're all going to be middle-aged men already!'
'And yet, people can change in such a short time.' Yamanami replies in response, clasping his hands as the first unit captain stares curiously at him.
'Well, regarding the issue today between you and Hijikata over moving our headquarters to the Nishihonganji temple,' Souji states slowly, choosing his words carefully, 'I feel that Hijikata-san's words are very true..'
'Ahh really..'
'But,' Souji smiles at his vice-commander. 'Yamanami-san's words are even more true.'
Because the words that you say, have always been right.
Yamanami recalled the same words that he had heard years ago, when he had still been more comfortable in the presence of Hijikata. At that time he was carefree, relaxed, and most of all, himself, in front of his friend. Now it seemed as if there were an invisible barrier between the both of them that caused them to end up disagreeing all the time. It happened so often that Yamanami no longer had the strength to go on arguing with the other vice-commander, and he had instead sought to keep himself out of the business of the latter. He avoided all confrontations with Hijikata, and stopped himself from giving his differing opinions to the other man.
But then again, wasn't that his job?
'Ahh sorry Toshi. In the end, somehow it turned out as if I were reprimanding you.' Yamanami rubbed the back of his head apologetically, as he spoke to his friend.
'Don't be an idiot.' He lay on the vast greenery, enjoying the breeze in his ever calm and collected fashion, while chewing on a piece of grass. 'There's no need to apologise in such matters.'
'You know,' He continued, 'harsh words and scoldings can't reach into a person's heart. And I'm exactly the kind of person who cares only for results more than anything else. To reach my goal, I'll make whatever choice necessary, regardless of other's feelings.'
'You, Keisuke, on the other hand, are compassionate and able to understand the feelings of others. You're able to deal with their feelings the right way, to give opinions based on the majority's overall best interest. That's something you and I both know I'm uncapable of. So that's why, whether or not, your words make any sense or logic, don't bother about it.'
'Because ultimately in the end, the words that you say, have always been right.'
As Yamanami walked forward, he spied the outline of a horse in the distance. The owner of the horse lay on the ground, a straw hat also pulled over his face, hiding every one of his features under the shadow of the hat. He was snoring loudly, his hands behind the back of his head.
Yamanami guessed the man wouldn't be waking up anytime soon. Begrudgingly, he pulled out a coin from his garments and placed it next to the sleeping man. Then he guiltily turned to the parked horse, undoing the knot on the rope that held the horse to a wooden pole.
It was against his moral, of course, to steal from anyone. But this time he needed the steed much more than this man. If Yamanami wanted to flee with Akesato as quickly as possible, the best method would be on horseback.
As the ex vice-commander freed the horse, he led it silently away by the rope around its' neck.
'You may as well give up now.'
The cold voice struck Yamanami still, as he recognised the voice to belong to the head of the Investigation Unit.
The sleeping man raised his hat, but remained on the ground as he stared up at his former vice-commander.
'Everyone's been worried for you. And now they're starting to suspect that you've fled from the Shinsengumi. The Investigation Team has already been sent to hunt you down.' The young shinobi told the older man, who was now gripping the cord in fear.
'Kyoto has already been surrounded, and once you get on that horse, you'll be discovered immediately and guilty abandoning the Shinsengumi. When that happens, it'll be almost impossible for you to escape seppuku.'
It seemed as if Yamazaki Susumu was trying to convince him to go back. Yamanami knew that the shinobi was actually helping him, for if he went back on his own accord, he would not be guilty of running away and hence would not be required to commit seppuku.
The ex vice-commander remained silent, not looking at the shinobi. Then in one swift motion, he swept himself upon the horse back and pulled at its reigns.
Susumu leapt up, his hand reaching in his cloak for his kunai. He drew out three of them, and prepared to fling it at the fleeing man. However, he restraint himself, as if an invisible force were holding him down and preventing him from going after the other man.
Indeed, he had been ordered to capture Yamanami Keisuke, but although it meant disobeying orders, he found himself unable to stop the older man. If this was how far the former vice-commander was willing to go, the pain of remaining in the Shinsengumi was probably far worse than any of them were able to comprehend.
Perhaps this was best for him after all, and Susumu couldn't help but wish Yamanami well as he watched his fleeting figure down the lane.
-
Yamanami felt the hot tears in his eyes, as the wind rushed against him. The horse sped forward, its hooves sending loud clops against the ground. He realised that fate had already prepared its route for him, and it would be selfish to bring Akesato along with him on the same road to death.
Now that Yamazaki had informed him that Investigation Troops had been sent to surround Kyoto, it was almost impossible for him to escape. For sure, the both of them would be caught before they had a chance to cross the border, and not only would he be sentenced to seppuku, Akesato would probably also be forced to suffer the same consequence.
There was no 'other side' of that mountain, which he had hoped for. A life of freedom, happiness, and innocence, was nothing more than a disillusion that he had believed in. To put it simply, death was the only consequence, whatever the choice he made.
Yamanami wondered why he chose to not return to the Shinsengumi. He could easily dismiss the idea of abandoning the Shinsengumi by telling them he had merely gone on a journey, and they would undoubtedly believe him, lest forgive him. Kondou might reprimand him for not telling them where he went, but nonetheless let him off. It was all that simple.
But if he did choose that way out, then it really wasn't a way out at all. Instead, he would be burrowing deeper into the problem rather than face up to it. His own honour would not allow him to such a low method, crawling back to the Shinsengumi with lies weighing upon his shoulders.
And if he did flee from the Shinsengumi, Yamanami knew that the ties that bind would refuse to let him go.
I'm sorry, Akesato.
Seeing the restaurant up ahead where he had planned to meet Akesato, he closed his eyes tightly and jerked the reins of the horse, forcing it to gallop even faster through the empty street. Despite closed eyes, he could picture her pale face and teary eyes as she watched him dash past her without giving her a glance.
But Yamanami had made up his mind, and he would not look back.
Even when he heard her desperate pleas cry out his name in distress, he shut his eyes tighter, wishing he could shut his ears as well.
And although her voice pierced his heart as he heard it ring through the silent night, he told himself not to look back.
-
Akesato had been there, on time, waiting patiently for him to arrive.
He had come of course, on time, dashing through the streets on horseback.
She had smiled, ran out to greet him, holding in her hands belongings that would hardly be enough to last the both of them for the rest of their lifetime.
He hadn't slowed down, holding in his hands the reins that controlled the horse, instead willing the animal to speed up even faster.
She had paled, her heart pained as she began to panic, for he had not stopped for her and instead completely ignored the woman he had asked to go live with him. She believed that he had no longer wanted her, and that she was but a burden unto him.
He had paled, his heart pained as he thought about her, for he had not stopped for her and instead completely ignored the woman he had asked to go live with him. He knew that he wanted her more than anything else, but to bring her along would cause her to be burdened with death.
She crumpled on the ground, reaching out to his fleeting figure in desperation as tears rolled freely down her cheeks. She had placed her entire life and fate in his hands, and he had but broken his promise to her.
He crumpled on the horseback, unable to stop himself from turning to her disappearing silhouette in reluctance as tears rolled freely down his cheeks. He had done it to save her life and her fate, which were in his hands, but he had broken his promise to her.
And Akesato had screamed, yelled, until her throat was hoarse, for Yamanami to come back.
But Yamanami never turned back.
-
'Oi, oi, Yamanami-san! Why have you decided to join the Roshigumi?' A young Okita Souji whispers to him, his eyes brimming with curiosity. Souji is no older than a young teenager, but seems to ask the the most difficult questions.
'Why?.. You ask me why? Souji-kun, don't ask me such questions which are so difficult to answer alright?'
'But Yamanami-san, it's just that you don't look like the kind that suit a warrior's lifestyle..'
''... I wonder why everyone seems to say that as well.' Yamanami pushes his glasses up nervously, trying to find a reasonable answer. 'I guess there's no particular reason actually. I just wanted to see the other side of the world that's all...'
-
'What? There's no way! There's no fucking way that Yamanami-san would leave the Shinsengumi!' The page was the most hot-headed when he heard the news, and he objected violently to the information that Susumu had brought to the commander.
'Kondo-san! Didn't you say Yamanami-san went on an errand? Don't believe a word that they tell you! They're making it all up! Why would Yamanami-san want to leave the Shinsengumi?!?'
'Tetsu-kun..' The first unit captain placed a hand on the page's shoulder, 'Calm down.'
'Okita-san..' Tetsunosuke muttered, his tense shoulders relaxing hesitantly while looking up at the captain with hopeful eyes.
'Please give me a horse, I will find Yamanami-san.' Souji stated firmly to the commanders. 'And I will definitely bring him back.'
-
He had been riding for hours, and he had already scanned hundreds of faces, none of them belonging to the man he was looking for. But Souji never did lose hope, and he continued on in the same direction, sure that he would find Yamanami eventually.
The horse was tired, as with Souji himself, his breath haggard and heavy. However, his determination and will kept him going, blocking out any sense of fatigue that may have been in him.
Then he sensed it. The familiar presence that he was looking for, the same figure he searched.
Yamanami had stopped at a nearby river bank, not too far from the city. His horse drank from the river, and he sat stroking its mane absent-mindedly. Souji slowed his horse, and marched it to the ex vice-commander. 'Yamanami-san..'
'I was waiting for you, and indeed you did come Souji. Since it's you, then there's no need for me to draw my sword. Even if there is such a need, well, I would definitely be the winner..' Yamanami spoke casually, without even looking up from the horse.
'I wasn't ordered to come. I came on my own free will to find you. Because I believed that no matter how far you ran, or even if you hid in the crowd, I'd definitely be able to find you. And that is why I came.' The first unit captain gave a stern reply, his usually jovial face no longer present.
'Oh?' Yamanami finally looked up, and smiled. 'Is that it? I'm sorry, for giving you so much troubled. Shall we go? I've already prepared myself for any kind of punishment that is to come..'
'If that's the case, can we go back now? You still have a lot of things to do for the Shinsengumi. All the administrative work has been piling up for you, waiting to be done.' Souji continued, choosing to ignore the last sentence that the older man gave.
'Souji-kun..'
'No matter what you think, this time I believe that I'm not wrong in anyway. And even if he always puts on such a cold and unfeeling mask, you should know that Hijikata-san really needs you. Everyone in the Shinsengumi respects and needs you as well, this bit I'm sure you should know as well.'
Souji-kun..'
'Don't say anything else. Do you think that it'll all be fine if you commit seppuku? You need to let everyone know what you're thinking, you've got to make them understand you! No matter what means you take, it doesn't matter! As long as I open my mouth to plead with them, even if I'm demoted from my rank, it all doesn't matter! But please, Yamanami-san.. You've got to live on!' The first unit captain lost control of his emotions, his voice raised and his face was pulled into an upset frown.
'Souji-kun..' Yamanami remained calm, Souji's sudden outburst having no effect on him. 'Forget it. Thank you very much, but I'm the one who should be sorry to you.'
Yamanami raised an arm to the younger unit captain, who refused to look him in the eye. Finally relenting, Souji broke down and leaned down to his former vice-commander, returning a tight embrace as he cried on the older man's shoulder.
'Why.. Why did you leave the Shinsengumi..' He sobbed, his head still buried in Yamanami's shoulder and his voice muffled in the fabric.
Yamanami held the younger man's head carefully and sincerely, staring up at the cloudless sky. The two of them shared a bond, like brothers, and he would keep this bond, until now, the end of his life.
'I guess.. I just wanted to see the other side of the world that's all...'
-
'Oi Keisuke. Have you grasped on tightly to my 'cord?' A young Hijikata asks, this time fingering a blade of grass between his index finger and thumb.
''Cords'? You mean the one of your justice? Or the one of your humanity?' Yamanami, around the same age, questions his friend, puzzled with his concept of 'cords'.
Hijikata pauses, and gets up from his lying position. 'You know, like I just said, I'll do anything to reach my goals. And ever since I've joined the Roshigumi, I'm sure to do some pretty bad stuff just because of my will to achieve our goals. But to keep progressing, we've gotta keep moving forward, I mean, it's just my personality, I hate stopping and looking back.. And most of all..'
Then the brash youth places his arms on his hips, trying to find the right words to say. He turns his back to his friend, and continues with much difficulty. 'Most of all, the one thing I hate most is regretting. And no matter how far I go, someone like you, who's always been stronger than me, well you wouldn't get suspicious of me having evil intentions of anything right?'
Yamanami smiles, as he watches the latter rub his neck nervously and his face turn a light shade of red. He knows that Hijikata is having a tough time admitting his mistakes, and he laughs at how the usually arrogant man is now more humble and quiet.
'That's why I need you to hold on tightly to my cord, so that I don't do anything I regret.'
And as Yamanami stood before Kondo and Hijikata that day, the wakizashi in his hands, he watched their pained faces. Kondo had asked him tearfully, why he had taken such actions. Hijikata had said nothing, but in his eyes shone the untold pain as he watched his friend commit seppuku before him. Souji stood above him as his second, turning watery eyes away from the bowed man, a katana in his hands, ready to decapitate the former vice-commander.
They had wanted to let him off, but Yamanami knew he would never live it down should he disobey the warrior's code. So he had insisted on seppuku, even though his hands were trembling as the cold blade touched the skin of his abdomen.
He turned to his friend, who watched him with a tight jaw and white hands, and stated in a voice full of honesty and sincerity.
'I'm sorry, Hijikata-san.'
'For making you regret.'
-
23rd February (of the lunar calander) 1865
Aged 33
Yamanami Keisuke commits Seppuku with Okita Souji as his second.
-
Footnote:
Roshigumi – What the early Shinsengumi was known as.
Second - The person in charge of decapitating the one who commits seppuku, and is usually a close family member or friend.
It's 4.15 am and I'm finally done with this chapter! I've been busy with many many MANY things lately and I know this took ages. I'm really sorry to those who waited. You'll notice that I've actually changed the storyline for this chapter, for those who read the manga. Well, I hope it's alright because I've kinda decided that I can't continue writing on with Suzu in the storyline, fyi, he's actually kind of responsible for Yamanami's death and Akesato's seperation from him (you'll know what i mean if you've read the manga.). I mean, it's not that I don't love him or anything, he IS super uberly cool and evil but Nanae Chrono has adopted a lot of supernatural features, and that's gonna be hard to write. And I am far from Nanae Chrono thus have no power or ability to take on such great characterisation. So perhaps the story from now on would take on a different twist to follow history, rather than the storyline of Peacemaker Kurogane. I pray PRAY that I don't lose any readers just because they're Suzu fans. (
Also, I didn't elaborate much on Yamanami's seppuku or his return, because that's gonna take out more of my sleeping time. / Besides, I've never been too good with gory and bloody scenes. And I doubt I'd write it good enough for people to cry, so that's gonna spoil the whole beauty of it if I actually attempt to do it in an all angsty manner and fail miserably.
Damn, I'm really tired now so I can't think straight and my footnotes are kind of in a big chunk. I hope I've gotten out all the information I need to tell you all though, and once again I'm throwing out a big THANKYOU to everyone who reads and reviews. It's greatly appreciated I can tell you, and as you can see, this is much more important to me than beauty sleep. D