Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. The rights to those charactrers and to the show belong to the creators of the show, to CBS, and The Sullivan Company.
No Greater Burden
Chapter Twenty
"The lodge looks good," Cloud Dancing said in a loud, cheerful voice as he approached the front of Running Wolf and Night Crane's home. He paused for a moment to admire the work Sully and Running Wolf had done to repair the structure.
At the sound of Cloud Dancing's voice, Sully came around from the back to greet him. Running Wolf exited the front of the lodge to meet the visitor. When they were face to face for the first time, Sully introduced the two men knowing, they would become fast friends.
"It is an honor to finally meet you," Running Wolf told Cloud Dancing as the two men clasped arms in a Cheyenne greeting. "Sully and Night Crane have spoken often of you and all that you taught them."
"Sully speaks highly of you, too," Cloud Dancing replied, returning the compliment. "As Night Crane's husband, you are welcome here. What tribe are you from?"
"Crow," Running Wolf supplied warily.
"Crow," Cloud Dancing repeated, considering the information for a moment. "Here, ancient tribal feuds have no place. I am told in the north the Crow and the Cheyenne work together."
Running Wolf nodded. "We stand a greater chance of surviving as one nation than as many at war with each other."
"Cloud Dancin' tried bringin' the different tribes together at Palmer Creek. At first they fought an' didn't trust each other, but after a time, they saw they had more in common than they had different," Sully added.
Cloud Dancing glanced around the area surrounding the cabin. "Where is Golden Feather? I mean Night Crane?" he corrected. "I am eager to see her after so many years."
"She's out walkin' with Michaela and Dorothy," Sully said. "They got tired o' all the bangin'. They should be back any time now."
"That was just an excuse to go off and talk," Running Wolf said with a chuckle.
The sound of distant laughter filtered up the hill to the cabin. Cloud Dancing looked down in search of the sound and noticed three women heading up the small hill to the wooden structure. A melancholy feeling swept over him as he watched Dorothy, Michaela, and Night Crane walking toward him, the tall prairie grass coming up to their calves. So much had changed for him and the Cheyenne since each of these women were a part of his life. Seeing Dorothy again brought back many warm memories, though their vivid colors had faded with the passage of time. In Michaela, he saw hope. Each time she used the medicine he taught her, she was keeping the Cheyenne alive. He was grateful for her presence in his life, but especially for her place in Sully's. He sometimes wondered where his brother would be now if she hadn't come into his life. Would he have been killed in the massacres between the Army and the Cheyenne or falling deeper into despair at the loss of yet another family? His eyes wandered toward to the woman he once knew as Golden Feather. He remembered a young, spirited child. Though she had grown into a beautiful woman, her eyes told of a life filled with much pain and sorrow.
"Cloud Dancing," Night Crane called, hurrying her pace to greet him. As she ran, New Promise bounced with delight in the carrier strapped to her back.
Cloud Dancing held out his arms to envelop her and the baby in a warm embrace. "Golden Feather, it fills my heart to see you alive and well." Clasping her hands in his, Cloud Dancing stepped back to fully look at her, relishing in the moment. "And who is this little one?"
Night Crane continued to hold his hands, finding pleasure in this renewed connection to such an important person from her past. "I am called Night Crane now. After Washita I did not know who Golden Feather was or where she belonged. This is my son, New Promise."
"That is a fine name. It is good you have returned," Cloud Dancing said sincerely.
"We returned for him," she said, reaching back to stroke the baby's head. "We have been on our own for a long time. Now it is time to join my people in what will come next. Our children must know what it means to be Cheyenne. They have no grandparents to guide them. My aunt, Falling Dove, will help us, but I would be honored if you would teach them."
"That is why I am here," Cloud Dancing said. "I, too, was alone for many years. Now I am where I must be," Cloud Dancing acknowledged, stealing a glimpse of Dorothy.
Dorothy shifted her body uncomfortably. She had noticed Cloud Dancing glance her way several times, even once letting his eyes linger in her direction. The last time she was certain he was going to speak with her. When he didn't, she found it difficult to continue standing with the group. The conversation had long since become background noise to the rattling of her nerves. Discretely, she moved away from them, pretending to admire the latest improvements to the cabin.
"Where are the children?" Michaela asked Sully as her eyes scanned the area.
"Playin' down there by the tree," Sully replied, pointing toward a large redbud, its showy light purple flowers in bloom. "They should be back soon."
"I brought you a gift for your new lodge," Cloud Dancing said. His fingers nimbly worked to untie the knot securing the bundle. Slowly, he revealed a large elk skin and presented it to the couple.
"Thank you," Running Wolf said, accepting the present.
"It would have been buffalo if there were any left." Cloud Dancing said with regret.
"We are grateful for your generosity. It will make a fine robe for the door. I will start decorating it tomorrow," Night Crane said.
"She is very talented," Michaela added.
Cloud Dancing gave Night Crane a smile of admiration before addressing Michaela. "She should be. Her grandmother was one of the best quill workers in Black Kettle's village."
"I have something for you, too," Running Wolf said. "I had planned to wait until the right time to return it, but I can think of no better time." He abruptly turned to enter the cabin. The others remained outside unaware of Running Wolf's intent. He emerged several minutes later holding a large object in his arms. Only Night Crane and Sully knew what it was. "I found this sacred article at one of the battle sites of your people. I have carried it with me intending to return it to the Cheyenne someday. I did not know who to return it to, but you can make certain that it is properly honored." Running Wolf removed the protective cover revealing a rare shield.
Cloud Dancing drew in his breath in a gasp at the sight of the shield. He assumed it had been destroyed along with many of the other irreplaceable ancient artifacts. He slowly moved toward it to run his fingers lightly over the intricate details. "Where did you find this?"
"It was up north. I found it hidden behind a rock. It seems someone knew the Army was coming and tried to protect it before the battle."
"What were you doing there?"
"I was hunting. At the time, I was living near the Crow Reservation."
Cloud Dancing continued to gaze at the shield in awe. "We have lost most of our sacred artifacts in these battles with the Army. This shield is very important to our people. It belongs to the Southern Cheyenne. The last time I saw it was with Black Kettle's camp. I wonder how it came to be in the north."
Running Wolf averted his eyes from the shield. "I do not know. When I found it, I only knew it was important. That is why I wanted to return it."
"There are no words to convey my gratitude," Cloud Dancing said, overwhelmed with emotion as he touched the shield again. "Please keep it with you. I want you to meet the elders and join us for Massaum. On the second day of the ceremony, you will present the shield to the tribe. You have earned that honor. And bring your oldest son."
"I am truly humbled," Running Wolf replied. "Thank you Cloud Dancing."
"Sully, I would like you to come, too, and bring the children."
"Over here, Josef," Eyes Like the Sky called, his hands outstretched above his head.
Josef threw the ball to the older boy as he used his body to block Katie from reaching it. Eyes Like the Sky caught it and ducked behind a tree to prevent Katie from catching him. The children had been playing keep away several hundred yards from the lodge. Josef had been the first one they tried to keep the ball away from and now it was Katie.
"I got it!" Josef called for the Indian boy to toss him the ball again. When he caught the ball, he threw it back to Eyes Like the Sky. The older boy caught it with ease. Katie ran from one boy to the next, but as hard as she tried she couldn't intercept the ball. On his next throw, Josef tripped on a root and the ball fell out of his hands into the air.
Katie caught it triumphantly. "I got it! I got it!" she shrieked, jumping up and down.
"That's not fair," Josef whined. "I tripped."
"I got it. It don't matter how," Katie said. Eyes Like the Sky walked over to her, barely able to suppress a laugh at seeing Josef on the ground. The two children plopped down in the grass next to Josef, breathing heavily from the exertion of the game.
"Now it's your turn to try and get the ball from Katie and me," Josef told Eyes Like the Sky as he laid back on the grass starring up at the cobalt blue sky.
"It's getting late. We should head back," Katie said. She looked up at the sky and tried to tell time by the sun as her father had taught her.
"Not yet," Eyes Like the Sky pleaded. "It's my turn." He had no desire to return to the small, dark cabin. "I wish we could always play like this."
"We can," Josef replied.
Eyes Like the Sky grew quiet, then spoke softly. "No, you will leave and I have to stay."
Josef sat up to face him. "You'll find other kids to play with."
"I don't know," the Indian boy said with doubt. Katie and Josef were his first real friends. Having spent these past two years in hiding, he didn't have any opportunities to meet other children. The ones from his memories on other reservations didn't like him because his father was a white soldier. "I never had friends."
"Everyone has friends," Josef blurted innocently, oblivious to the boy's fears.
Katie, though, saw the fear in her new friend's eyes. "You'll make friends here. You're real nice and you're fun," she assured with a smile. "You'll see."
Eyes Like the Sky nodded, afraid to reveal the doubt in his eyes.
Coming toward the children was a group of Cheyenne boys ranging in age from ten to sixteen. They were dressed in rugged buckskin with moccasins on their feet. Around their necks were colorful beads and feathers. One boy's face was painted as if he were about to go into battle. They formed a circle around Katie, Josef, and Eyes Like the Sky, blocking their passage. Katie's palms began sweating and her heart beat faster once she realized they were trapped. Taking a few deep breaths, she gathered her courage, stood up and moved closer to the boys.
"Ha ho," she said, just as her father had taught her. "Natsehestahe, Katie." She swallowed hard and tried to remember the words for what she wanted to say next. "Netonesevehe?"
The boys stared at her, neither of them saying a word. One boy, who looked to be a year or two older than Katie wondered who this girl was with the long golden hair who spoke the language of his people. Another boy looked directly at her and stepped forward.
"Natsehestahe, Flying Elk."
Eyes Like the Sky stood up now, too. "Natsehestahe, Eyes Like the Sky and Etsistahe, Josef." By now Josef was standing, too, wishing he had paid more attention to the Cheyenne words his father had taught them.
Just then the oldest boy with the paint on his face stepped toward Eyes Like the Sky. His movements were forceful and aggressive. "Why are you playing with a white baby and a white girl?" he said in Cheyenne, placing emphasis on the word white. "Are you a girl?" He placed his hands on his waist as if to challenge him.
"I am Cheyenne and these are my friends," Eyes Like the Sky answered with courage he didn't know he possessed.
"Real Cheyenne do not have white friends. A true Cheyenne warrior knows his duty is to kill the whites for what they have done to our people. Are you prepared to kill these two?" Brave Bear asked in Cheyenne.
"Hovaahane," Eyes Like the Sky yelled in Cheyenne, horrified by the thought. "They are my friends."
Brave Bear moved closer to Katie. Standing half a foot taller, he edged so close that he could see a fine sheen of perspiration coating her brow. With a swift movement, he grabbed her two braids in one hand, curled his fingers around them, and yanked them high in the air. "Then at least scalp her."
The boy who had admired Katie's beautiful sun-kissed hair stepped forward and pried her braids from Brave Bear's firm grip. Then he led her a few feet away. "He try to scare you," he told Katie in English.
Katie's posture relaxed and her breathing returned to normal. She smiled at the boy, grateful for his help. "He's doing a good job," she replied.
"Do not tell him," the boy said in a whisper that only Katie could hear. Then he turned to Brave Bear and spoke in Cheyenne. "It is time we return to the village."
Brave Bear shot his friend a look that suggested it was Brave Bear who would determine when they were finished, no one else. "Not so fast," Brave Bear said, looking at Eyes Like the Sky. "You are new here?"
Eyes Like the Sky didn't know what to make of Brave Bear. He frightened him, but he also noticed that the other boys weren't afraid of him. Still, he wondered if he would have scalped Katie. "Yes," Eyes Like the Sky replied after a time. "My mother is the niece of Chief Black Kettle," he said, hoping that information would earn him favor with the boys. This revelation seemed to work based on the spark of respect he noticed in the eyes of a few of the boys.
"Black Kettle was a coward," Brave Bear said. "Only a coward would try to make peace with the whites."
"He was a great man," Eyes Like the Sky shot back, anger building inside him.
"A great chief would have waged war against the whites, not let his people be massacred at dawn," Brave Bear replied.
"It was Custer who was the coward. He knew the only way to attack Black Kettle's band was to sneak up on them when everyone was asleep," Eyes Like the Sky answered back.
"Black Kettle was great," Josef added. He had been sitting quietly, frightened by what Brave Bear had almost done to Katie. Now, he had something to say to help his friend. "Our ma and pa knew Black Kettle. Our ma saved his life and our pa lived with him. You don't know nothin'."
Katie cringed at her brother's last words. She suspected these boys understood more about what happened to the Cheyenne than either she or Josef ever would.
Brave Bear starred at Josef, his face a cold, hard mask. "Is that right, baby boy? What do we know? We know that most of us lost our entire families at Washita."
"What happened wasn't Black Kettle's fault," Eyes Like the Sky implored. "Ask my mother or their father," he finished, pointing toward Katie.
"We've heard the stories. All I know is if Black Kettle hadn't camped there…" He let his words hang in the air. "It has to be someone's fault," Brave Bear said, his voice strained. He was transformed once again into the five year old boy who had seen his parents massacred. He could still hear the sounds of Washita – the gunshots, the screams, and the crying. For years afterward, every time Brave Bear closed his eyes, he saw the butchered bodies of his parents.
"It was Custer's fault," "Katie supplied in a bold voice.
The children grew quiet for several moments. Nothing they could say would change what had happened on that day more than eleven years ago now. Eventually Flying Elk spoke. "We should return to the village."
Brave Bear nodded and started walking away. The other boys fell in step behind him. Eyes Like the Sky, Katie, and Josef remained fixed in their exact same spots.
Brave Bear paused, turning around to face Eyes Like the Sky again. "Are you coming?" he yelled out.
"I should get back to our lodge. My father will need my help," Eyes Like the Sky excused.
"If you want to know how to be Cheyenne, you must come with us," Brave Bear told him.
"I am Cheyenne. I don't need to learn how to be Cheyenne."
"Here they will make you white. It looks like you're already half way there," he shot back.
"Can my friends come?" Eyes Like the Sky asked, bristling at his remark.
"They are not Cheyenne."
"Then I am not coming," he said, standing his ground.
"You need to choose," Brave Bear warned. "You cannot live in the white world and be Cheyenne. What will it be? Are you white or are you Cheyenne?
"Go," Katie said, feeling as if this was an important decision for her friend.
Eyes Like the Sky remained firmly in place. "What do you mean? I'm not leaving you."
"You need to go," she stressed, placing her hands on his back as if to urge him forward.
"Why?" Josef said. "He don't wanna go with those mean boys."
"He has to Joey," Katie said. She turned back toward Eyes Like the Sky. "He's only testing you. You need to go with them now."
"I don't understand. You're my friends."
"We'll always be friends. Just go now."
Eyes Like the Sky glanced between Katie and Brave Bear for several moments. He saw the older Indian boy wave his arm dismissively at them before turning to walk away. Unsure about what to do, he stood fixed in one spot until he finally turned around and ran to catch up with the boys.
"Let's go back, Joey." Katie began to walk in the direction of the lodge.
"Katie, those kids are mean. Why did you tell him to go with them?" Josef asked.
"He has to get along with them if he's going to be all right here," she explained.
"Why? They were gonna scalp you!"
Katie put her arm around her brother. "He has to live here. We don't. He has to get along with those boys. They were making sure he understood that. And Joey, they weren't gonna scalp me."
"How do you know?"
"They were trying to scare us."
"Katie, why'd you say that about Custer? Mrs. Slicker told us he was a hero," Josef asked, feeling as if he knew the answer, but needing to hear it from his sister. Since being here, Josef had begun to question everything he learned in school about the Indians.
"Joey, he's only a hero if you believe killing Indians is right."
"Did he kill Black Kettle and Cloud Dancing's wife?" Josef asked.
"Yeah."
"And No Harm?" Josef's heart thumped. He was afraid to go on, but he suspected Custer also killed those boys' families.
Katie nodded and tightened her hold around her brother's shoulder. "Promise me you won't tell Ma about those boys. She'll get upset. We'll just tell them that Eyes Like the Sky went to play with some Indian friends and we wanted to come back."
"Can we tell Papa?"
Katie thought for a few moments. "It'd be best if we don't."
"We're supposed to tell 'em everything. Remember what happened when I didn't tell about Wolf?"
"This is different. We weren't in danger and no one got hurt."
"What if you're wrong? What if they hurt Eyes Like the Sky and we didn't do nothing?" Josef was getting agitated as he remembered the burden of carrying his secret about Wolf.
"I'll make you a deal," Katie said. "If those boys do anything else to us or to Eyes Like the Sky, we'll tell. All right?"
Josef could see the lodge a few feet in front of them. He wanted to run inside to tell his parents all about the scary boy with paint on his face, and about how he grabbed his sister's hair, called him a baby, and said bad things about Black Kettle. Instead he looked up at Katie. "All right. I won't tell."
The sky was ebony dark, punctuated only by stars glittering like millions of precious diamonds. In the darkness of the night, Cloud Dancing made his way across the reservation. He had acquired the habit of taking late night walks into the nearby surrounding landscape, often walking until daybreak. These walks gave him a sense of inner peace that he didn't experience at any other time of day. For a brief period, he could imagine he was free and able to come and go as he pleased. In his imagination, his people were also free, healthy, and living as they had for generations. During these nighttime strolls, he surrendered to this vision until the harsh light of day jolted him back to reality. It was also a time to seek guidance from the spirits in renewing his commitment to the path he had chosen. It was a difficult journey that only seemed to grow harder and more desperate with time. Each day brought new obstacles and more sorrow. Despite these challenges, he knew there was no other path for him to follow. If one hundred years from now a Cheyenne knew about the medicine arrows or how to perform the sun dance, then his choice to live out his days confined to a reservation would have been worthwhile. As he headed toward the west, past rows of wooden cabins, he noticed a figure seated on the ground barely recognizable in the ink black night. He focused his eyes on the figure and identified Brian.
Cloud Dancing approached the young man. "You are up late."
Brian jumped at the sound of the voice. When he realized the voice belonged to Cloud Dancing, his breathing calmed.
"I am sorry to startle you," Cloud Dancing said. "No one is usually awake at this hour."
"I couldn't sleep."
Cloud Dancing studied Brian's demeanor. Standing before him was not the bright, open child of his memory, but a young man coming into his own. "Something weighs on your mind." It was a statement rather than a question.
Brian hesitated, feeling as if Cloud Dancing could read his thoughts. "Not really," he deflected. He decided it would be selfish to pour his burdens into Cloud Dancing's cup when it was already filled to the brim. Cloud Dancing's troubles were far greater than those of a confused young man quarreling with his father.
Cloud Dancing looked skeptical, but he didn't press him. "May I join you?"
"I'd like that," Brian replied, tapping the ground at his side.
Cloud Dancing lowered himself to the ground next to Brian. They sat in companionable silence starring into the vast emptiness of the pitch black sky, seeing nothing at all, while listening to the unique music of the night.
After several minutes, Cloud Dancing spoke. "I find my mind is clearest at this time of day."
"I do some of my best writing late at night," Brian replied. At twenty one he had already adopted the habits of a reporter, writing late into the night for the next day's edition then sleeping until mid-morning.
"Are you writing a story now?"
Brian shrugged. "No, it's this heat," he excused.
"It has been very hot and dry," Cloud Dancing noted.
"Are you all right here, Cloud Dancing?" Brian asked. "I don't like to see you living here".
"I do not wish to live here." Those words lingered in the air for several awkward moments.
"It's good the children are going to school," Brian said. "This way they'll have choices for their future. They won't have to live here forever."
"What kind of choices will they have?" Cloud Dancing asked skeptically.
"Lots!" Brian replied animated. "They can make up their own mind about what work they want to do and where they want to live. I spoke to Noah. He returned from the Carlisle School and he's going to be a teacher."
"Ahh…Yellow Moon. He is open and curious like you. At boarding school they made him change his name to Noah. He prays to Jesus now. Where will he find this work as a teacher?"
"Anywhere," Brian supplied.
"Like a white person?"
"Yeah, once he finishes his schooling he'll be able to work anywhere. They all will. They'll have the choices of white people, but they will still be Cheyenne."
Cloud Dancing was silent for several long moments pondering a response. "Does Robert E. have the same choices you do?"
"He lives in town and runs a business." Brian avoided the question.
"But does he have the same choices?"
Brian reflected on the battle Robert E. faced to send Anthony to the town school and the hatred he and Grace endured when they brought the house in town. "No."
"Do you believe Colorado Springs would hire a Cheyenne school teacher?"
Brian thought about the question for a while mimicking the reactions of Jake, Loren and Hank in his head. "I suppose not."
"There is no place for Yellow Moon to be a teacher. He will not be hired in white towns, and by renouncing his Cheyenne ways, he cannot teach the children what I want them to learn. He will find he has no place to belong. You see Brian, I do not believe it is possible for my people to live among your people, and if they try, they will lose who they are."
"Maybe not right now, Cloud Dancing, but over time the fear will disappear and we can live together. I know we can. Someday there will be people like Noah teaching in white schools."
"I do not believe it is possible to live as you say and maintain who we are." Though Cloud Dancing disagreed with him, he admired his youthful optimism and exuberance. At one time he, Black Kettle, and Sully all believed they could reason or negotiate a peaceful coexistence between the Cheyenne and the whites. Instead war came, followed by the slow destruction of his people. Still, he had no cause to extinguish Brian's hope, for it was his generation, and the ones that came after, who would fight for a better world.
"Pa disagrees with me, too, but hear me out," Brian said, turning more fully to face Cloud Dancing. Brian found it impossible to have this conversation with Sully. He either shut down from the weight of his father's disapproval or he fought with him until one of them, usually Brian, stormed off in anger. Even though this topic affected Cloud Dancing personally, Brian felt the older man might listen and wouldn't be as quick to pass judgment. To Brian, Sully still saw him as a child in need of guidance while Cloud Dancing accepted him as a man. "Why shouldn't the Cheyenne be able to become teachers, farmers, doctors or engineers if they want? I'm not sure assimilation is so bad. Pa and I fight about it all the time, but it seems to me it's a better alternative to extinction."
"If assimilation means the end of what it means to be Cheyenne then it is no different from extinction," Cloud Dancing replied soberly.
"It is different," Brian insisted. "Your people would be alive and able to decide what they wanted to do with their lives."
"As long as they abide by other people's rules." Cloud Dancing swallowed hard before continuing. "They could not simply remain Cheyenne."
Brian considered his words before responding. He respected Cloud Dancing too much to say anything to offend him. "If you mean living as nomads, moving with the seasons, and fighting other tribes, then no, I don't think they can remain Cheyenne. But, why can't you keep your language, customs and traditions that make you Cheyenne while making different choices about how you live? Even the whites have had to change over time. When the silver mines dried up people had to do something else. It seems to me that all through time folks have had to learn how to adapt to change."
"Brian, my people have lived the same way for thousands of years. If not for the whites moving west, we could have continued unchanged for thousands more. We tried moving further west to escape them, but they continued to come. I see the changes we are being forced to make. I accept that we can no longer survive as hunters and warriors. I am not entirely opposed to the choices you speak of for my people. But, we need to have a voice in how those choices are presented. More importantly, adaptation cannot cost us our identity. My people will have no future if they believe it is bad to be Cheyenne."
"Why does it have to cost them their identity? I don't think it's bad to be Cheyenne."
"No, but your government does. They are waiting for my generation to die. They are stealing our children and sending them away to school. They cut off their hair, change their names, teach them English, and tell them to love Jesus. They tell them that who they are is bad and wrong, that what they believe is wrong. They keep them away from their families and the tribe. Tribe and family have always been our highest calling. This generation of children will not know what it means to belong to a tribe, to have a purpose greater than oneself. Your government believes the only way to save the child is to kill the Indian in them. That is what I must fight against."
"We all gotta fight against that. But, I don't see why over time the Cheyenne can't keep their Indian identity and their culture while learning our language and working alongside us in our towns."
"I cannot see the world you speak of," Cloud Dancing said sadly. "I do not believe it is possible." When he thought about the future, all he could envision was a world in which everything he held sacred had been lost. Cloud Dancing was not angry with Brian for he knew the young man's heart. Even as a young boy, Brian was curious and optimistic. He accepted people for who they were, not blinded by the color of their skin or their religion. Black Kettle had once shared this optimism. Black Kettle hoped that, over time, the Cheyenne and the whites could live in peace. In all that he had seen, Cloud Dancing had lost that optimism for anything more than an occasional small success. His hopes and dreams had changed. Victory now was a baby surviving to his first birthday, a child who still spoke to her parents in Cheyenne, and a man who knew how to find willow bark and what to do with it. "Brian, I would like to hear about your life. Are you still writing for the Gazette?"
Brian noticed how Cloud Dancing deftly managed to detour them to another topic. "Yes. I've also had stories picked up by larger papers back east."
"Will you remain in Colorado Springs?"
Brian hesitated. It was so easy to talk with Cloud Dancing, easier than it had been to talk with anyone in a long while. "I'd like to travel for a while. There's so much I want to see and experience before I settle down in one place. I feel I need to experience more to grow as a writer."
"What is stopping you?'
Brian shrugged. "As much as I want to go, I also want to stay. I don't want to leave my family and there's this girl…"
Cloud Dancing smiled. "It is serious?"
"I think so, but I'm not ready to get married. If I stay, I'm worried I'll regret it, but if I go and I lose Sarah, I'll regret that, too. I'm not sure what I want to do."
Cloud Dancing studied his expression. "I think you know what you want, but it frightens you."
Brian fixed his gaze toward the ground wondering how Cloud Dancing could read him so well. "There's also Sully."
"What about Sully?" Cloud Dancing asked, wondering if there was some bad news concerning his friend.
"Lately we're not getting along. We keep…" He paused. "We keep hurting each other. I don't want to fight with him all the time, but I can't seem to stop. He disagrees with me about everything."
Cloud Dancing narrowed his eyes. "That does not sound like Sully."
"He doesn't respect what I think about things," Brian said, releasing the hurt and frustration he had kept bottled up inside for the past few months. "He thinks my ideas about the Indians are all wrong." He paused gauging whether to continue. At the sympathetic understanding in Cloud Dancing's eyes, he went on. "Cloud Dancing, you don't agree with me, but you don't make me feel bad about how I think. I may not be right, but I know his way hasn't worked. Usually he made things worse off, like when he had to go into hiding and leave us for six months or when he went to jail for interfering with the dam. I also know the reservation is no way for men to live." All of Brian's frustration was spilling out now. "Pa's against anything new. He wants to stop everything. He doesn't see how some of it is good. Some of it is going to make our lives better, but he's too stubborn to see that." Brian finished and lowered his head into his hands.
Cloud Dancing listened to the pain and anger in Brian's words. Though his tone was harsh, underneath the words was a deep longing for his father's approval and acceptance. He knew, without having heard their exchange, that Sully hadn't been as dismissive of his son as Brian had relayed. To a young man desperate to be seen as an adult in his father's eyes, any disagreement felt like rejection. Cloud Dancing thought carefully before speaking. "It is natural for fathers and sons to have differences. I was at odds with my own son over his decision to join the Dog Soldiers. I believed the correct path was one of peace. My way failed and so did his. Brian, I disagreed with my son's choice, but I never rejected him or stopped loving him. Though I disagreed, I understood. So it is with Sully."
"I'm not so sure," Brian whispered.
"I am. Sully loves you with everything he is. You know that."
Brian was quiet for a short time before speaking. "I know," he said softly, dabbing at the water in his eyes. "I love him, too. I don't want to keep fighting with him."
"I am certain he does not want to fight with you either."
"Then why do we keep doing it?"
"It is how a young man separates from his father to become his own person. Sully knows this, but he is too close to see it now. You and Sully have always been very close. I have found that the tighter the father and son bond, the harder it is for the son to stand on his own. He finds he must fight harder to break free."
"You think that's what I'm doing?" Brain asked.
"Only you can answer that."
Brian pondered Cloud Dancing's words for a long time. "I think…." He hesitated. "Maybe I'm the one picking the fights."
Cloud Dancing smiled. Brian had always been intelligent and honest. "How?"
Brian thought for a few more moments. "Maybe, like you say, I've been fighting with him as a way to do what I think I need to do."
"Perhaps," Cloud Dancing replied. "Have you made up your mind?"
"I think so. Thank you Cloud Dancing."
To Be Contined...
Thank you so much for reading and for reviewing here and on the Forum. The fan fiction site is holding their annual poll. If you are enjoying this story and want to vote for it as one of the five most promising stories of the year, you can goggle "dr. quinn fan fiction poll" and click on Most Promising Stories. You must vote for five stories for your vote to be counted and provide a valid e-mail address. With so many great ones in progress that shouldn't be a problem. Thank you.