2010-19 (2010-16)
POV: BOFH
I love these quiet moments before storms.
Well, technically it's between storms, but that's beside the point. During these moments I find myself slipping into a dreamlike state where I'm blowing creatures away in Half Life 3 while listening to the next Hollywood Undead album.
Quiet… Calm… Musical…
"WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?"
Aaannd back to reality.
So the PFY, Composite, and I are trapped on a landing between floors guarded by a pair of mutant axe-wielding robots. Actually I'm pretty sure Composite is just sticking around to watch us squirm, but I digress. To make matters worse, the Boss has somehow managed to stumble to the same landing as us without being turned into rough-cut schnitzel. Unfortunately the same cannot be said for the briefcase containing his plans for slashing the IT budget. Tragic.
It's not looking good. It's much better being trapped in a stairwell over the weekend by two vicious axe-wielding robots when you don't have the Boss and his tales of a five year plan to build an eighth scale replica of Sterling's Victoria locomotive for company.
"What I don't understand is how the second robot went banannas," the PFY asks to noone in particular.
"Well," Composite, who has returned to their normal form somewhere during the proceedings, leans against the wall and crosses their arms over their chest – this isn't going to end well – responds to the PFY's question, "Your faulty AI taught the first one to make other mutants like itself – you know, like werewolves, Candy Crush clones, and Call of Duty players. Now if you'd gone with the AI we wanted to use we wouldn't be having this conversation now would we?"
"Yes, an AI which would try and join us in Bastardom, eventually pushing us out of our jobs of user service and performance delivery."
"And we have two swords, a Disk, a shotgun, a Redeemer… Well, we've got a large arsenal that says it wouldn't."
"… Yeah, designing the AI like that was a bit of a d-"
"DON'T say design flaw!" I snap, a little jaded by that particular excuse. "A design flaw is removing shielding between the engine and cabin of a consumer vehicle. Designing a robot who's ultimate goal is to become so smart it tries to kill you is somehting different!" Composite raises an eyebrow in a "You talkn' 'bout me?" fashion.
"Design-?" the Boss gasps.
"I..." the PFY starts.
"No, no," Composite states, still leaned up on the wall, "Reprisal isn't going to help. We're trapped on a stairwell with no good means of escape. There are two robots guarding the top and bottom. We need a plan."
"...Who the hell are you?" the Boss asks as if he's just noticed the power-suited fox – which isn't too unbelievable considering his mental capacity, which is slightly higher than a wet tissue.
"Isn't there something you can do with all your powers?" the PFY asks.
"Hell. No." Composite responds angrily, "I've been getting you out of scrapes the whole time. We provided you with the brace and bit to drill the inspection hole during the railgun attack. We were the one who hit the robot with a pinch when the bot company greased it with diesel. We were the one who heard the chainsaw during the first attack. We provided you with an AI that wouldn't be having this problem but NOOO, YOU had to design your own and LOOK WHERE THAT GOT US. Now hows about you GET OFF YOUR ARSE and GET YOUR OWN GODDAMN PLAN!"
"...You done yet?" I ask after about a solid minute.
"...Yes, I'm done," they answer after a deep breath. Surprising how that works for a creature that doesn't even need to breathe. "In all honesty, there's about a dozen ways we could get out, some of which would even help you, but I'm gonna sit this one out and let you fix your own f*ck up."
"...Okay. So what do we have… My cell phone is flat," the PFY starts.
"And mine's on my desk. The Boss's-" I start.
"-My name's Dave."
"-Dave's is in several pieces," I gesture towards the top of the stairwell where the remains of the Boss's briefcase lie, "The overvoltage cattleprod has suffered some form of internal mentdown and the pinch is fully discharged, so we can't EMP the bots."
"The building master power control isn't working, for what it's worth," the PFY adds, pressing a button on his keychain, "And Composite here clearly isn't going to be helping anyone anytime soon." Composite's circuits are pulsing dangerously and they're clenching and unclenching their fist in an I'm-about-to-call-in-the-shotgun manner.
"So we're going to have to MacGuyver up a solution. What do we have?"
"Uh… I've got the fried cattleprod," the PFY says.
"And I've got a dead pinch," I say.
"Let's see… I have a credit card torch/knife combo, a disposable lighter, and two asprin." the Boss says
"And I have a discharged pinch. Do you happen to have anything Composite?"
Composite simply gives a scream of rage and disappears in a swirl of energy,, hopefully to go kill something for a few hours and calm down.
"What the hell is she?" the Boss asks.
"We're not entirely certain..." the PFY says, "Besides that she's normally Ada, you know, pretty mild mannered in a bastardish sort of way. I've never seen her explode that way."
"… So we're all agreed that if we are going to get out of this we're going to have to make individual sacrifices?" I ask.
"Okay." the Boss says.
"Let's do this," the PFY adds.
*push*
Several minutes, one trip down a stairwell, several sturdy blows with an axe, and an ambulance later we're free and the Boss is off to hospital, though his injuries do look pretty nasty. Wonderful. We'll have to go looking for a new Boss once again.
Several hours after that, Ada returns, much calmer.
"Not sure what came over us back there. Sorry about leaving you trapped in there. Did we miss anything?"
"Just another Boss having a tragic accident from which he won't recover from. And don't worry, I did deserve that."
Wow… I can quite honestly say I wasn't planning for Composite's outburst. Not really sure where that came from, but I do think it was better than what my original plan was. Anyway, happy holidays to all of my readers. I'll see you tomorrow with a special episode.