Hey guys, one thing before I start this is please have tissues if you may need them and please don't plan a mob for me after.

My roleplay buddy and I have started coming up with ideas now that he is over the personal problems he suffered from a week or two ago. We have come up with this idea and we are writing it together.

WARNING DOES CONTAIN DEATH AND DESCRIPTIONS OF DEATH SKIP PAST THIS ONE IF THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU WANT TO READ.

Charlie p.o.v

I let out a groan as I roll over, desperately wishing to go back to sleep yet something feels... off. I open my eyes to see the other side of the bed looks like no one slept in it last night. Better remind Danny to go get some sleeping pills for his insomnia or something. As my eyes adjust to the light some more I don't seem to find any pictures of Danny and I from the official couple photo shoot we did a year ago. There seems to be nothing of Danny's in this room.

My phone manages to provide some distraction as I try and process what the fuck is going on. I grab it and press the home button. The date is wrong. It's the 15th of May 2016 not the 21st of November. Shit, its Danny's birthday then, I don't think I have anything for him. What kind of a boyfriend am I? A bad one is the answer. I notice I have the usual twitter and Instagram notifications you get once you have some fame.

I unlock my phone and get nervous once my thumb hovers over the twitter app. Why am I so nervous? I've opened this app a billon times before this time shouldn't be any different to the last time I did it. Then I saw the tweets that were being made today.

Theresa Murillo ReeseMurillo: Five years ago I lost the man who meant everything to me. Today he would have been 31. Scarlett misses him so much. I miss you so much baby, happy birthday in the sky. xx

Andy Biersack andyblack: This was recorded just before Danieldrive passed and I thought seeing how it is his birthday today that I would release it in his memory. Enjoy Stay Alive guys and fly high Danny, we miss you.

Hollywood Undead Hollywoodundead: Happy heavenly birthday to the Golden beast himself Danieldrive. Hope you're partying hard up there dude. We miss you.

My Danny is dead? There is no way can this be happening. This cannot be real I have got to be dreaming or done way too much drugs. I must be in some horrible alternate dimension or something similar. My little lion can't be dead, he can't be. I'm lost without him. I don't hesitate in downloading the song Andy made with him. Well it was a guy called Matt who made it but right now anything is possible. I play the song.

Your thoughts become your enemies

When you're locked inside this cage

Life can feel dead to me

And all that's left is rage

Regrets for all the time we wasted

Thinking of ourselves

Holding onto pain you tasted

Living in this hell

Don't wanna go back home tonight

So I drive this road alone

[Chorus:]

Stay alive for the good times

Stay alive through the bad

Stay alive for the hopes and the fears and the dreams

The best that we ever had

I keep telling myself I can take you

From this God-forsaken place

Stay alive for the good times

Stay alive through the bad

Stay alive

[Danny:]

Your fear controls everything

Never let you turn the page (Let you turn the page)

We end up only settling

For when we both felt sane

Reaching out for something that

You can't quite hold onto

Say goodbye and start it over

When there's nothing left for you

Don't wanna go back home tonight

So I drive this road alone

[Chorus]

I keep telling myself I can take you

From this God-forsaken place

[Chorus]

Stay alive [3x]

I was in tears at the sound of Danny's voice. My journal was left out on the bedside table. If anything can help me try and understand what the hell is going on then that will be the book. I decide to read from the beginning and find nothing about what went on until I reach July the 8th 2012. In this I write about how a devastated Theresa had called me saying that Danny was hit by a drunk driver on his way home from the festival we played the day before. He didn't survive the impact despite all efforts made.

The next time I wrote was the day of his funeral. The 16th of July 2012. I wrote about how shocked and devastated everyone was at his sudden departure. He was twenty six years old and had so much more to give to the world. I was surprised that we continued and made the decision to make two more albums. We would finish and release Notes from the Underground and release it in 2013. It will be the last album to have Danny's vocals in it.

It was lucky that we pushed Danny to get all his vocals down for those songs. That means that Day of the Dead which was released in 2015 is the last album Hollywood Undead will ever make. I flip to 2015 and find that yeah Hollywood Undead has disbanded now. I wasn't expecting us to last three years without Danny but we did, I have a feeling Danny would have wanted us to try and stay together.

I send out a tweet that just says Fly high little lion. Don't party too hard without us. I was kind of copying the other guys with my tweet but what else can you say really. I had retweeted the band's tweet and everyone else's. Maybe today I'll go see him. I know a few people that will probably go see him today but I wanted to do it before I go. I just can't live in a world without the golden ray of sunshine which is Danny.

I may be slightly selfish here but I know some people who will agree with me on this one. I don't think I could ever get over him dying. If you can't beat 'em join 'em. That is what I am planning to do tonight. This seems like it should be a dream or a nightmare even but I don't know the difference between the truth and the lies anymore. This can't be a drug trip, I promised Danny I would cut back on the amount I use.

I got ready for the day and did my whole morning routine. I am wearing all black clothing, seems fitting for the occasion. I'm not too smartly dressed but I'm not too casual either. I pause once I go into my spare room. I see a lion teddy bear that I got Danny that time he went tumbling off his skateboard a couple of years ago and he was covered in cuts and scrapes with a lot of bruising. He loved that teddy and I know he took it on tours with him. I'll take it with me when I leave and give it back to him somehow.

It is 2 pm now; it was 1pm when I woke up. That gives me enough time to walk down to the flower shop to get some roses and then walk to the cemetery to see him one last time before I jump. I know that it isn't the route I should be taking but the heartbreak you feel when you lose a loved one can just be too much to handle. It's like they own a piece of you and it gets ripped away when they are gone. It leaves a dark hole and a lot of pain with it. The pain can be unbearable and I know I can't move on from this.

I hear the rapid beeps on my phone, the guys already know what I am planning to do it seems. They will try and stop me even though I have made up my mind and I am not going to change it anytime soon. He was my other half and I just can't see myself continuing on without him. I'll look at the text messages the guys are sending me but I doubt that they will be able to change my mind. I am seeing this through till the end and there is nothing or no one that can help me now.

Jorel: Jordon, I know that today is Danny's birthday and I know you are still upset and haven't really gotten over him passing away but I need you to think about this. We still love you and care about you, we already lost one brother. Don't make us lose a second one.

George: Jordon, I know that you have probably already made up your mind on this and won't change what you're planning to do tonight. Just know that we will always love you like a brother and we will always be here for us if you just asked us to.

Matt: No amount of sitting or praying, begging or wishing can bring him back but I know that it is also not going to work with you either. It's been too long now since he passed, four years and I know how much you are struggling. I just wished you would have let us in.

Dylan: So I uh guess you'll be leaving to join Danny today then? Can't say I don't blame you. You never really got over the fact that a drunk driver took away his life. No matter what happens today just know the whole world is going to miss you Charlie scene.

They were a lot more accepting of my decision than I was expecting. I guess four years is a long time to still be grieving over a lost loved one no matter how close you were to them. The emotions are more raw and stronger when you first lose someone. You would spend hours if not days at a time just lying in bed and sobbing your heart out wishing for it all to be a dream. A few people who really worry about you will try and spend all their time with you making sure you didn't do something stupid.

This is why I wrote about how George came over and stayed the first two weeks and locked all the cupboards with things that I could use to end it all with. He didn't want me to end it all so soon, we had just lost one of the most talented musicians we had ever known and if he hadn't of come over then I probably would have gone to join him a lot sooner. I just couldn't cope with the feeling of my heart being ripped out of my chest then stomped on.

I've had four years to make my decision, four years to try and see light at the end of a tunnel which is filled with heart ache and grief. I have never found that light, no matter how hard I've looked for it or had a few close friends to guide me to it. The whole ordeal made me lose a few friends but that didn't matter too much to me. To me it proved how they only wanted to stick around when it suited them; they had no real interest in me or my feelings.

Its times like that where you find out where the true loyalty of some of you friends lies. The ones who left me pretty early on in the grieving process were only interested in me because I was famous and we were making music and went to all the best shows. While we grieved for Danny we stopped making music for a time and we cancelled any shows we had lined up for the rest of that year. Those people weren't impressed when I said I had no time to go to a gig.

I didn't want to have fun while I was hurting. My bandmate, brother and lover was gone. I can't get over it with a snap of my fingers. We had Theresa and Scarlett as well as the rest of Danny's family to consider too, they needed as much support as we did to try and cope with the loss. They've known Danny for a lot longer than some of us have so they might need a little bit more support but still at the end of the day someone we loved and cared about dearly died, I don't have time to have you sucking up to me because I have fame.

Deuce surprisingly changed his tune too. He was a lot nicer to us but then again someone did his mission for him. Danny handed me several letters one day, all addressed to him by Deuce. All of them were death threats because Danny took his place. He got a little angry once we posted that we were not going to get a third lead singer. We weren't going to be around for too much longer anyway. No point replacing someone when we were all going to be gone from the industry scene in a few years.

There are one or two songs along with Bullet that fit perfectly with how I am feeling and what I am going through. The first is rain, "Like a widow's heart we fall apart," goes so well with how we fell apart after Danny died. The second one is I'll be there. There is no specific part of it which I don't feel like it goes with how you feel, it just matches perfectly which is probably why it was written. Our emotions often are what drives the lyrics. We just write down how we are feeling at the time.

I leave my phone behind; the only things I am taking with me are the teddy, my wallet and my keys. I don't need anything else. I mean I am not going to be around for much longer so why would I need my phone. I am not going to be texting anyone at the end of the day. I leave a note on the table in the hall; it was my goodbye letter to everyone, trying to explain how the heartbreak just wouldn't fade away.

I am not asking anyone to try and live in my shoes and get as much help as I can. The help that people have been offering me just has not been working and I just can't seem to get over it. It's not that I haven't tried or gone to the sessions because I did for a time but they don't seem to be working. I am too far gone for them to try and bring me back now. I am too broken to ever get repaired and be whole again. I get strange looks from people as I walk down the street towards the local convenience store.

Oh yeah, I am a grown man who looks depressed and is carrying around a lion teddy. That will raise some eyebrows. I get a bag once I buy the flowers, just a little bouquet of roses for my rose. The lady who served me didn't question why I was getting the flowers; she didn't really talk to me about it at all. A lot of people in the local area who know me and the guys know how hard today is going to be. The day of the fatal accident is also a lot worse. Until now we used to be a bit more cheerful and just celebrate his life.

I can't go around pretending everything is okay when it isn't. I look down at my outfit. I decide it isn't good enough. When you go to meet god you know you want to look nice. I currently look like I have been dragged through a hedge backwards. I need to get a decent suit. It is around three or four pm now so I have plenty of time to pick a nice suit before I go and see him one last time. This was when I got a few strange looks.

A really nice guy came and helped me pick out a really good suit which wasn't too expensive and it fitted perfectly and looked great for what I need it for. It took me an hour which brings the time to five pm. Now it's time to see my guy for the last time before I go to the bridge. I don't know if anyone is going to stop me when they see me about to jump but I'm not changing my mind for anyone.

There was hardly anyone at the cemetery when I got there. Not surprising considering it is a Monday. I've been to his grave every year for the past four years so I know my way there. It surprised me that I never brought the little lion teddy bear along. I guess it had always slipped my mind until now. This will be the last time that I will see him like this. Tonight I will be joining him up there. "Hey Danny," I tell the gravestone.

I learned a long time ago that he is never going to reply but it never stopped me pouring out my feelings to him. I confessed my love for him a year ago. No one heard it and no one is going to now. "I brought that lion teddy I got you, I also brought some roses since it's your birthday and all," I say, placing the two items on the soil just in front of the stone. Yeah chances are the lion is going to be stolen but someone will have it and hopefully take care of it, maybe even Scarlett will take it.

Me: Reese, I left Danny's lion teddy I got him ages ago with him. Maybe Scarlett would like it, just a nice little something to remind her of daddy.

Reese: Aw you're so sweet Jordon. Kyle will go collect it in a little bit because by the time you've had some private time I will need to put the little one to bed. Thank you Jordon for everything, I know what you plan on doing tonight.

Me: It seems like everyone does. They guys all texted me saying they aren't going to stop me this time and that I should know how much they love me and I love everyone back. It's just I can't take it any longer. He was one of the main reasons why life seemed so appealing after she left me and my parents died. He was just so happy all the time.

Reese: Yeah because he wanted everyone around him to share the happiness. I have seen him cry and it hurts when he did but he always bounced back. We all love you and I guess part of that means we have to respect your decision even if we don't agree with it or don't want you to do this. Four years is a long time.

Me: Thanks Reese, I made my choice to try and move on and be happy like everyone else but it doesn't seem to work. I just can't be the happy Jordon people want me to be and are expecting me to be this far after everything. I know this is not the right way out for everyone but I don't have a choice anymore, goodbye xx

I put my phone down with my wallet under the teddy. There was nothing in the wallet of any value to anyone and the phone is just an object which can be wiped and sold on to someone else. I also leave my keys so they have access to my house. "Sorry Danny, just telling Reese about the teddy so Scarlett can have it. She has grown so much and is a mini you. I guess it helps Reese cope a bit since part of you lives on in your daughter," I say, wiping the tears away.

"I guess this isn't really going to be goodbye Danny, I am going to join you tonight," I say, no one is around to react or try and stop me. "I guess I am sick of pretending to be someone I am not. I have tried everything and I mean everything to try and cope with losing you and nothing has worked so this is the only option I have left. I don't want to be the guy who has to fake a smile while he is dying inside anymore," I explain.

I guess by talking to him as long as I did just made me procrastinate slightly. I needed to be certain that the decision I have made is the one I am going to stick with and I am not going to change my mind anytime between now and when I get to the bridge. I would have gotten a bottle of gin and a bottle of pills so I would recreate bullet but I know this method is going to work without those two things.

I leave the cemetery just as I see Kyle enter. He has tears in his eyes as he sees me. "Hey Jordon," he says. I give him a hug which I know he must be desperate for. He was close to his brother like we were and it is just hard on all who knew him well. "Hey Kyle, I'm sorry," I tell him and he hugs me back tightly. "No need to apologize, someone has to keep an eye on him up there, might as well be you," he says. He wipes the tears from his eyes. "I left some of my stuff there too, I guess this is goodbye Kyle," I tell him.

"I guess, but there is no good in a goodbye you know," he says and walks off towards where his older brother is buried. I think about his last words to me. He is right, at a time like this there is no good in the goodbye. Someone is leaving the world forever and never coming back down or home again. It would only ever be a happy goodbye if you were going to see that person again and that you know that you will keep seeing them for a little while longer.

Just my luck, it starts raining as I walk towards the bridge. It doesn't bother me, it just mixes the tears in and I don't look like I am crying as much. I get to the spot and sit down; my legs are dangling off the edge. I use this time to just allow the slight breeze to hit me for a while, this would be the last time I experienced any of this so I gotta enjoy it just a little. An old married couple try and get my attention but I ignore them. I am not going to allow myself to be talked out of this now. It is too late.

I push myself off the edge and I feel myself falling as the edges of my vision get darker and darker. I don't feel the impact of the water at all, it kind of feels like I am floating a little bit. I can hear the woman scream as I pushed myself off the ledge, they always do that, even in films they scream when someone dies in front of them. No doubt it will be on the news tonight and the guys will know that I have done it. I haven't made them proud but I am no longer hurting as much as I was before.

I bolt upright in bed, feeling the sweat dripping off me. The first thing I do is look to see if Danny is still sleeping beside me. He isn't and just like the nightmare I just experienced the bed was made on his side. I felt a little at ease since all our couple pictures were here and I could see some of Danny's prized stuffed animals on our dresser. Now I need to find my boyfriend and see if he is okay. That has got to be the weirdest thing that I have ever had a nightmare with.

It made no sense in the beginning but as I went on the more I adjusted to the whole thing. In reality Theresa and Danny did go out back in high school and they did have Scarlett just before we recruited him for the band. He is an amazing dad to the little girl and we see her quite a bit when we aren't on tours. I get more panicked as I look throughout the upper floor of our house to see if he was there. I couldn't find him in any of the rooms.

I let out a sigh of relief when I do find him twenty minutes later at half 3 in the morning. He was in the kitchen, fast asleep at the breakfast bar. He was sitting on the stool and he was resting on his arms on the table. He was ready for running it looked like but peacefully sleeping instead. There was a little note to the side of him. Looked like he planned to do some running since he couldn't sleep then got too tired.

Jordon,

If you are reading this then I have gone out for a run. Or fallen asleep at the table and forgotten to bin this, one of the two. This lack of sleeping at night is making me a bit annoyed now but I didn't want to disturb you with my tossing and turning so I decided to go out for a bit while I still had energy. You seemed so peaceful I didn't want to wake you and complain about the fact that I can't get to sleep easily, anyways I should be back by the time you wake up anyway but in case I'm not then you know why.

Love,

Dan-bear xx

Typical little bear, he started rambling a little bit in the note. He is still adorable to me and I probably wouldn't have minded if he woke me up with all the tossing and turning he's been doing lately. He hardly ever complains, only when he is seriously hurt, ill or tired and currently he is tired. Now I need to get him to the couch or the bed. I know I am strong enough to carry him to bed and get him changed but I don't want him to wake up. My own problem, the nightmare I had can wait till the morning when he feels a little more awake.

I got his shoes off him first and he didn't stir. I put them away in the hallway. "Come on Danny, time for bed," I tell him in case he wakes up as I lift him up with ease. I had him so his head was resting on my shoulder and his arms would be wrapped around my neck if he was awake. I had no issues carrying him upstairs but he woke up just as we got to our room and he made a little noise of complaint. "Sorry baby, I found you at the breakfast bar and I didn't want you to be in pain when you woke up, go back to sleep," I tell him.

Normally I am used to finding him somewhere on the tour bus and carrying him to his bunk. If he woke up then he would do the same thing but would refuse to go back to sleep. He must have been exhausted because a couple of minutes later he was back to being out for the count in my arms. It made it a little easier for me to carry him into our room and get him out of his running clothes. I put him under the covers and I decided I need a quick change of clothes too.

I am soon snuggling my little lion bear and just admiring how cute he looked while he slept. His lips were ever so slightly parted and I could feel the gentle even breaths on my skin as he breathed. I might be the one having a little difficulty sleeping tonight. I was afraid of going back into the nightmare, but when I had it Danny wasn't snuggled into my chest like he is now. I could be fine going back to sleep now right? Well there is only one way to truly know. I close my eyes and managed to fall into a dreamless sleep.

~next morning~

I wake up again and Danny is still sleeping next to me. I look to the clock to see it is nine in the morning. I don't want to move and I don't want to wake up Danny just yet. I check my phone just to make sure no other band member has died and what the date is. It's the 16th of May 2016 so everything seems to be back to normal. I just had the usual tweets and Instagram posts I usually see so I don't need to worry too much. That nightmare freaked me out for sure.

Danny started hugging me a little bit as I think he is starting to wake up now. I smile as he looks around the room, probably wondering how he ended up here instead of the kitchen. "I found you in the kitchen at three am fast asleep so I thought I should carry you to bed," I remind him in case he forgot. "I know it's just something is a bit strange, you never usually wake up during the night unless I kick you, what happened?" he asks me.

He can always and I mean always tell when something is wrong with me no matter how hard I try and hide it from him. It is instant for him to know something is off. For me to know something is wrong with him always takes longer unless it is something that is pretty easy to spot like a minor illness or something. "I had a nightmare last night, nothing to worry about," I tell him. He looks at me and I know he saw straight through that.

"What was it about? You look pretty shaken up still," Danny asks me. The fact that I could feel his heart beating next to mine put me at ease a bit but I haven't looked into a mirror lately so I could still be pale. "It was about you dying back in twenty twelve and then it was your birthday this year and I couldn't live without you," I tell him, skipping a few details but I am sure that he would guess the other parts that I couldn't bring myself to tell him because I was crying. He squeezes me gently and then rubs my back while I sob in his arms.

"Why didn't you wake me last night baby? I am very much alive and I would have comforted you then too," he asks and I can hear how concerned and worried he is over me. "You did wake up a little bit but I told you to go back to sleep because I know how much you haven't slept recently and I didn't want to burden you," I tell him. He had calmed me down by giving me quick little kisses all over my face and neck. I knew he wasn't too impressed with the fact that I didn't wake him but when he has insomnia and actually sleeps I don't want to wake him.

"Please wake me up next time Jordon; I don't want to see you like this again. I can go to the doctors to get some sleeping pills for the insomnia. You never burden me, never, I love you too much for that," He tells me, making sure I was looking into his amazing brown eyes. I kissed him and gave him a tight squeeze. "I will do next time Danny, I'm sorry," I tell him. He snuggled into me and his arms never left me. "Good, and you will be sorry if you do it again," he tells me and I set off laughing.

"Do we have to do anything today?" he asks me a few minutes later, breaking the silence which followed my laughing fit. "No, I don't think so," I reply and I roll over, taking him with me so he was lying on top of me, something which he loves. His eyes were already closing and I could feel his breath again. "Sleepy still baby?" I ask him. All he does is nod. "I've not slept in a couple of days, can today be catch up day?" he asks me. "Of course little lion, we can stay in bed all day if you so wish," I tell him and I feel him smile.

"I love you Jord," Danny says, he was so sleepy he didn't even say my name in full. I didn't mind because I knew that Danny needed his rest. I woke up yesterday and the day before and Danny was wide awake at staring at the ceiling, something he only does when he hasn't slept during the night. I felt the grip Danny had on me loosen and his breath slowed down, telling me he had fallen asleep again before I got to say I love you. He knows how much I love him anyway. "I love you my little lion," I tell him and I fall asleep with him.

Hey guys I hope you enjoyed that. I now have a rough summer schedule worked out. I have given Jess a list of twenty eight one shots and one of those will go up during the weekend and a chapter of either Demon Inside or To Love a Teacher will go up during the week.

I have a new kitty called Raven and she is so freaking adorable. I love her.

Leave a review down below if ya want.