Disclaimer- The fabulous characters of my story belong to hte wonderful Stephenie Meyer and come from her Twilight series.
A/N- Ok, so a few things here. First off, I've gotten a lot of comments saying that this story is very drawn out...and yes, it definitely is. But that's the way it plays out in my head, so that's the way it gets written out. The problem I've always had when reading stories with this same idea is that they meet, Edward tells her, and all is forgiven, they're a happy couple, the end. To me that's just not realistic, and I'm trying to capture what I think would really happen. So if it feels like it's moving excruciatingly slow...it is. And now to the second thing. I have been getting super close to having a hundred reviews in one chapter...yay! But I haven't quite hit it yet, so I'm hoping you, my wonderful readers, will help me out and leave lots of reviews for me! Thanks so much for reading, I love you guys and all the feedback you've given me!
Bella stayed in the graveyard looking down at the two headstones for just a little while after Jacob left. She replayed their conversation through her head, feeling an odd relief she hadn't even known she'd needed.
She hadn't thought much about getting closure regarding Jacob. She knew she had wanted to talk to him, and that they would probably talk about everything that had happened back then, but she hadn't realized what a strong need there was inside her to wrap things up between them.
And now those things were wrapped up. She thought Jacob was right; they probably wouldn't see each other again. They hadn't needed this face to face to renew their friendship, just to close the doors that had never had a chance to be closed all those years ago.
And now they were closed. And everything that had happened today made her feel even more like Bella then she had since she was human. She really kind of hated that.
She sighed and walked away from the headstones, then broke into a run and headed to the place she knew she would come to all along.
She paced the middle of the meadow, finally letting the conversation from earlier play through her mind.
His words rang through her head over and over. What was best, putting you in danger, lies, blah blah blah. It all became jumbled into a huge mess, and she had no desire to untangle it.
Because it really only came down to two certain things.
Either he was lying then, or he was lying now. Surprisingly enough, a large part of her really wanted to believe he was lying now. She couldn't stand to think that the last seventy five years of her life had been led on the lies he had told that day.
Because she knew it was inevitable that she be changed. It would have happened regardless. And, even if he had left, but just hadn't told her he didn't love her; even then her life wouldn't have turned out this way.
Because she would have gone after him. If she had been changed and she had known that he still loved her, she would have searched for him high and low.
But she didn't believe he had been lying today. She remembered that day on the path when Edward had told her he was leaving pretty clearly. She remembered there were many times when he wouldn't meet her gaze. And when he had, there was something wrong; something in his eyes that just wasn't right.
But that hadn't been the case today. His gaze had been a little shifty, but when his eyes did meet hers, his gaze was earnest and forthcoming.
And of course, the second thing. If he wasn't lying today, what was she going to do? For that matter, if he was lying, what was she going to do? Because, aside from what he had said to her regarding the past, he had stood right in front of her and told her that he loved her.
Now. In the present. At this very moment. He loved her. And there was no part of her that wanted that to be a lie, no matter how hard she tried to convince herself there was. It was useless. She just loved him way too much.
The old Bella was back with full force. And she was just aching to reach out and touch him, hold him, kiss him. She was saying over and over in her head that there was nothing to think about, nothing to analyze, nothing to forgive.
And she really kind of wanted her to just shut up. Because, could it really be that easy? Was she just supposed to let everything go, was she really just supposed to leap into his arms, all is forgiven, and live happily ever after?
But that's not really what was happening here, was it? If everything Edward said was true, he had spent the last seventy five years being miserable; and so had she. She had spent all these years hiding who she really was because it was too painful to face. And now, here they were together, a second chance, and she knew what she wanted to do; but she just kept debating with herself.
Because even the old Bella was having a hard time believing that Edward actually loved her. That he actually wanted to be with her. But she just couldn't bring herself to believe he had been lying today.
So what now? What was she supposed to do? What was she supposed to say? What was she supposed to feel?
She heard the rustling before they ever stepped into the clearing. She picked up the scent before the person appeared, and she stood waiting in the middle of the clearing, hands on her hips and glare already in place.
Alice stepped slowly into sight, giving Bella a timid smile. She walked forward until she was just a few feet away.
"You knew," Bella said in an accusatory tone.
Alice sighed. "Of course I knew Bella. I have been living with him for the last three quarters of a century. Well…most of it."
"And you couldn't have said something?!" she exploded, throwing her hands up in the air. "You knew what he told me, you knew exactly what I'd been thinking all this time, and you say nothing?!"
Alice held up her hands in surrender. "Whoa whoa, hold on a second. Let me explain a few things first. Yes, I never said anything. And Bella, if I had, you wouldn't have believed me. You would have thought I was saying it to make you feel better, or force you two together, or something along those lines. Am I right?"
Bella said nothing, just blew out an exasperated breath and kept looking at her expectantly, hands still placed firmly on her hips.
"And, although I didn't tell you, I got the ball rolling. Edward is so stubborn he didn't even understand what was going on. He just thought he had to earn your trust back. He was sure you realized that he had been lying all those years ago…he was sure you still thought he loved you."
Bella's hands fell off her hips and down to her sides, her angry glare replaced with a confused expression. "Why would he think that?"
"Because it's what he wanted to think," Alice went on softly. "He didn't want to believe you'd gone through the last seventy five years thinking he didn't love you. He didn't want to believe it was so easy for you to doubt his love for you."
"I…I don't understand. Everything…it's just so…" Bella stumbled over her words, unable to complete the sentences.
"Edward came home that next morning, after your birthday, but I had seen his decision that night, when he was still with you. Of course I had told all the others about it, and they all thought it was a horrible idea…but it was his decision. When he walked in I ran to him, beginning my protest. But he just held his hand up, his face hard. He said it wasn't up for discussion, and asked that we get the details together while he went to school…he wanted us gone by the next day, and then he would say goodbye to you soon after."
Alice sighed again, her eyes faraway. "I thought it was unbearable to watch him just after he had made the decision. I could see how much it was hurting him…the way it was tearing him apart. But it was so much worse seeing him later, after he had been separated from you for a long period of time."
"He didn't even live with us in the beginning. He went out on his own. We knew he was just holing up somewhere, doing nothing. One time…I saw him clearly make the decision to go back to you. But then…it didn't take it long for it to change back."
"After a few years he came back to us. He was just…this shell. He was completely empty. He moved day to day, not really living at all. He wouldn't talk about you. When any of us thought about you he became extremely angry, screaming that he didn't want to see you in our heads. He made me swear I would never look for your future. And I kept my promise, I never did, because I was afraid if he saw the things in your future it would just hurt him more…and I couldn't bear that. But I thought it would come to me anyway. It never did."
She sighed again. "I told Edward you might not believe what he told you now, because it's been so long. But Bella, everything he's told you is true. He's loved you since the moment he saw you. He didn't stop loving you that day…he lied, because he thought it was best. Now he knows how stupid that was, and he desperately wants to make it right."
Bella sank down to the ground and pulled her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them tightly. "I…really believed him," she whispered. "That day in the forest…I really thought he didn't love me anymore. And it wasn't a big surprise. I never understood why he had loved me in the first place."
Alice sat down next to her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "He thought it would be better, for you, if you were thoroughly convinced. He knew he could never move past you…but he really did think you could move past him."
"How? How could he think that?" she demanded. "Did he really think my love was so much…less than his?"
"Just like you had issues believing someone like Edward could love you so much, he had trouble believing the same about you. To him, you were this perfect human, this angel, who he couldn't offer the kind of life he felt you really deserved. He felt like if he left, and let you begin to lead that normal, human life, you would find the happiness you were supposed to have. He couldn't realize that that happiness was, in fact, him."
Bella looked at Alice imploringly. "What am I supposed to do now?"
"What do you want to do Bella?"
"I…don't know. I'm confused. Things aren't the same as they were then. I don't think they can ever be. We're…different. That's unavoidable."
"Some things never change," Alice said quietly. "The way you love Edward has not changed over the years. The way he loves you hasn't changed. No one's saying it's going to be easy. It's not supposed to be. You're building a relationship, not jumping right into one. But you have all of eternity before you to do that. You've spent the last seventy five years alone…can you say you really want one more day of that?"
Bella sighed, saying nothing.