The problem with perfect moments, not so perfect but awkward discussions and really perfect kisses is, that they all inescapable end. In most cases the end comes way too early. Here the bitter end came while they were still sitting on the floor when JARVIS announced that Bruce wanted to talk to them. Urgently. Now.
"No. No! Give me a chance to breathe! I refuse. Because I like being here at the moment." Very much. Tony smiled and protested but JARVIS insisted. "Dr. Banners stress level isn`t within his normal parameters any more. So I would strongly advice to get in the living room now and calm him down." So they swallowed the bitter pill and get up to meet Bruce.
It was obvious, that Bruce was upset but did his best to stay calm while pacing up and down in front of the couches nervously.
Ok, that doesn`t look good. Tony had seen this tense expression before and it never led to something nice. Never.
Bruce pinched the space between his eyebrows and sighed. "S.H.I.E.L.D. contacted me."
Loki`s face went blank.
"They wanted to know if I could help them finding Loki. Fury himself asked if I have any idea what they could try or if I at least could help you, because we worked that well together finding the Tesseract." He gritted his teeth. "Told them, that I doubt, that an Asgardian god has a gamma signature like the Tesseract had, but that I take a look into whatever you do, Tony, and ask you If you could need assistance. So much on we have time for plans. I`m afraid we will have to come up with a plan soon before they get even more resolute. I don`t want to lose my friends over that goddamn S.H.I.E.L.D. project. I already lost more than enough because of one or another military organization."
"You cursed! First time I heard something like that from you. Not a really good sign." Tony looked at Loki that still didn`t show any sign of emotion. "Have you made a decision?"
"About Thor and the Avengers? You know what I think about Thor."
"You never said you hate him. You keep on repeating he's not your brother but a fool, but you never said you hate him. I think, that means something."
Loki crossed his arms over his chest. "Perhaps it just means, that you wish it means something, Tony."
"He for sure doesn't hate you. So - do you hate him?"
"For someone that hates talking about feelings, you talk a lot about mine!"
"For someone that intelligent you're fairly bad at distracting. Do you hate him?"
He seemed thoughtful for a moment before he spoke. "Perhaps not. That doesn`t necessarily mean, I want him here."
"No. But, I´m sorry, I`m afraid we need him. And the other Avengers."
The following silence was long and Loki looked sad and tired when he finally made the decision to answer honestly. "You forget something." His voice was soft and gentle but somehow it made Tony a queasy feeling in his stomach. And not just him, if the look on Bruce`s face was any indication.
"What?"
"Thor is a loyal supporter of Odin. If the Allfather would command him to take me to Asgard, he would obey. And Odin will probably sentence me to death, or if he`s in a surprisingly good mood to centuries or eternity in a cell or banishment somewhere in the nine realms. Either way, I`m sure he wouldn`t let me stay here with you. Without magic I`m in no way able to defeat him. Thor would have to lie to him and he`s a bad liar. I don`t know why he should be willing to lie for me anyway. So it feels like it doesn`t matter much if I reveal myself to him or just walk into the S.H.I.E.L.D. central. Either way, in the end I will wish I had died when I fell on your tower."
Loki sat down exhausted, or more precisely, he fell on the couch, feeling dizzy and nauseous. Completely defeated. "I know we need help, but that will also mean, I haven`t much time left. I couldn`t come up with a plan just involving us and succeeding against S.H.I.E.L.D. I have not enough information. It would be a suicide mission and so it would be useless."
"You, you are a complete idiot sometimes. You think you`ll get sent away or tortured or die and that I just would let that happen? That was what you were thinking about, why you asked for time?"
"Yes. You need them to save yourself. I couldn`t do it. Needing them including the two S.H.I.E.L.D. insiders that want me dead and including Thor, that wants to be Odin`s pet and will deliver me to him. So basically the only thing I could do would be to do a damn wonder, which I can`t. I might have been able to, but that was long ago and far away and I can`t do it anymore!"
"Talk to me about something like that, you damned moron!" Oh. Ooh! I should send Pepper flowers when this whole S.H.I.E.L.D. bullshit is over, with a card with something like: I`m sorry I didn`t tell you when I was dying and I`m sorry that I never, never ever allowed you to help me.
"You`re not alone in this. We will find a way to get out of this alive. Both."
Loki just stared at him doubtfully. A piercing stare from this too green eyes, questioning.
"Oh for fucks sake! We`re not on Asgard, I am not whoever did that to you. I don`t give you a problem and leave you alone with it, to solve it or to die!"
"But that's how it goes. Since, forever. Someone, mostly Thor, does something incredibly stupid or at least thoughtless and I try to find a solution without getting Thor, me or his friends or other Asgardian idiots killed. And in the majority of cases I pay the price for it one way or the other."
"Are you comparing me to Thor and the rest of the godly mob? Moron! I look way better flying and I`m not willing to list the other 101 differences. I`d really like to slap your face for that."
"I`m sorry. Bad habit of mine."
"Then kick that habit. I can`t believe I`m saying that, but talk to me instead of keeping everything inside. You kissed me! So you now face the consequences. What is a threat to you, is a threat to me, too. We either stand united and do everything together or we fall."
"I`m an independent creature."
"And I`m not? I might add, independent doesn`t mean to do everything alone, that`s called stupid. Or desperate. Whatever you prefer."
"Everybody thinks I always do what I want to. Not considering anybody else. Partly that's right. But on the other hand I always considered everybody else. And I had to do what I was told. For centuries. I was the prince after all, heir to the throne and everybody expected a whole list of things from me. And I was stupid enough to try to give them what they wanted. Until I recognized that it was never me they wanted, nothing was ever in my favor but in theirs. And that I will never be enough, no matter what I`ll do. I adapted to that. Learning to trust nobody and finding a way out.
So that here, whatever it might be, is new to me. I need to adjust to that."
"Hurry up adjusting."
Bruce grinned. "Wait, wait! What was that? The part with the kissing."
"Oh yes, what was that with a bet and calling me an idiot?"
"I`m rather sure I called you both idiots, Tony."
"Pffff! I`m sure JARVIS will tell you that you apparently won a bet you had with him."
"But I might add, that I would be right just regarding Mr. Stark. He wouldn`t have said anything for the next months." JARVIS sounded almost offended, but mostly amused.
"Enough of that, I`ll innovate something called sphere of personal privacy!
But regarding the assholes of S.H.I.E.L.D. we all basically agree that we need the Avengers, that we need them soon and that we need a plan?"
"Yes." Bruce and Loki both approved, followed by uncomfortable silence.
Then Tony had an idea. "We could trick Thor."
"What?"
"He`s into the whole honor and worthiness thing, isn`t he?"
"Oh, yes." Loki rolled his eyes with exaggeration.
"He would be bound to an oath, if I get him to swear one, wouldn`t he?"
"Yes, he would be. Considering that you can talk everybody`s ears off, that could actually work."
A bright grin. "Thank you!"
"Not sure, if that was a compliment." Loki grinned and nodded. "Alright. I agree. Talk with Thor. Find out if he helps."
Tony called Jane because Thor still had no phone or even an idea what a phone would be good for. Or how to use it. The god of thunder was still on earth, staying at Jane`s home. He should arrive at Stark Tower the next day.
"JARVIS can show you a live feed of us and you can decide if I shall tell him about you or not and if you want to join the conversation."
Loki nodded. "That's how it should be." Then, without even looking at one of them, Loki walked towards the door to his room, murmured something like good night and was gone. Tony wanted to follow him but Bruce grabbed his arm and shook his head. "Give him some time." That was not how Tony had thought his day would end after he got kissed by the gorgeous god. But he was sure it wasn`t like Loki had thought his day would end either.
Loki didn`t slept well that night. Or slept at all. He sat on his bed and just couldn`t stop thinking about the consequences. He didn`t want to leave Earth. He didn`t want to leave Tony. And he didn`t want to face Odin ever again.
Thor. He just couldn`t be sure what Thor would do. Especially not about what would win, brotherly love or loyalty towards Odin. Odin who always acted like I was part of his property and then it turned out, that was all that I was. And he might want his property back, even if only in order to destroy it or lock it away forever in case he might have need for it.
Odin is powerful. Loki had first-hand knowledge of that. Even with magic abilities it would be difficult to escape this power, without them it would be impossible to get away from Asgard.
And even if it worked out - the other Avengers were an unpredictable risk. What should he do if Barton or Romanov would decide to just hand him over to S.H.I.E.L.D.? He couldn`t endure another day of torture to force him to handle that scepter and even less he couldn`t risk alarming the Other or his master, because everything, really and literally everything, would be better than falling into their hands again.
Memories turned into present. There was that pain again, fear, hurting deeply and it was so tiring stressful to keep it all safe inside. To distance himself from overwhelming memories, to stay calm and not breaking down. Concentrating on an emergency plan not on the fear. It would be easier to get stabbed or shot or anything else. Another kind of pain to focus on, physical pain was easier to endure and would cover that dark pain lurking inside. Because talking or crying or screaming wasn't an alternative, increasing the risk to break down completely and that was simply not acceptable, not now. He needed to focus. But he couldn`t. The longer he thought about a way out of this, the more the memories piled up. And the dread of a future where they might get him again.
And with that the memories overpowered him. How should he live through what they would do to him? He couldn`t. And he couldn`t breathe. Pain. Burning pain, consuming him. A voice far away. It took him so long to understand the words. JARVIS. JARVIS` calm voice telling him to breathe in. Breathe out. Loki pressed his right hand against his chest. Where his heart tried to keep him alive. Beating too fast. Breathe in. He clenched his hands into fists. Breathe out. He couldn`t do that again. Breathe in. He couldn`t let everything good in his life got taken away from him again. Breathe out. He couldn`t recover again. He couldn`t lose Tony. Tony would care. He would try to save him. And get killed while trying so. And it would be his fault, too and they would let him relive that loss again and again, and his soul would shatter.
He couldn`t hear JARVIS anymore.
He didn`t heard the opening of the door and didn`t saw when Tony entered the room and crouched down beneath him. Talking, he reached out his hand and laid it on Loki`s arm. The god flinched like his touch hurt. It took long for Loki to really recognize Tony. And it took him even longer to form coherent sentences.
"I`m sorry! I can`t lose you. And I don`t want to die either. But above all I can`t be caught by the Other or his master again. I can`t. Please. I`m sorry. I try but I don`t have the strength again. I tried so hard but. I. Just. Can`t." He stared at Tony who still crouched in front of him.
"You don`t have to. I won`t let that happen to you again, Ok?"
"You can`t guarantee that. You can`t even guarantee, that you will not get hurt. Or killed. Instead of killing that agent with the polite way of talking, the Other should just have killed Fury and we wouldn't have that problem! I should have killed him."
"You couldn`t know what would happen and don`t forget the World security Council, they also have a word in this. Even without Fury we could be in this situation. We can`t change what happened but we can sort this mess out.
Now please move over. I`m too old to crouch any longer and I`m more than sure that I will still need my knees in the next years." He put a hand on the bed to help him get up, than he sat down in front of Loki. "You know, it´s rather unfair. You are, what? More than a thousand years old? But I am the one with the hurting joints and bones."
"And I`m still the better looking one, too." Loki grinned and looked at him, his features softened and he smiled.
"That is more than debatable." was the answer he received from Tony.
Loki grimaced as he spoke fast: "I am really tired of you having to deal with me in a weak and emotional state."
"You say that to the guy you found trembling on the floor, trying to drink himself into unconsciousness?"
"Yes, but you are a human."
"Perhaps gods and humans aren`t that different."
"That might be. But between all that humans, you are special."
That was a sweet smile.
"But I would prefer it, if you would see the other parts of me. Not just the weakness. I led armies and fought against creatures you didn`t even know. I´m a tactician and warrior, my fighting skills are professional, I´m persistent. I`m more intelligent than the majority of Asgard and Midgard. In times past I could teleport, make myself invisible, create duplicates and illusions. I could manipulate the elements everything is composed of and travel between the worlds." Loki couldn't help but look slightly sad and disappointed. "I am strong and powerful. And I just wish you would see more of that than of this!"
"I know all of that, Loki. I saw a lot of it, I see a lot of it. And I know even more than you do. Most people who would be forced to live through what you survived would never get up again. Never. You do. That it sometimes hurt is a fact. To deal with it is not weak. There's so much that you've been through. You`re so much more than pain. You are not your past. You`re not a burden." I know how strong you are, perhaps better than you. And I`m willing to be at your side, no matter what.
Loki really felt a little bit better. Perhaps they could do this. They would try. Fight for it. And yes, this, the man in front of him and this strange content feeling inside his ribcage was worth it. This warm glow inside.