Johnny was asleep, finally. It had been an effort to get him to go to bed; Kate had wished he would behave himself – she thought Rick might think she was a bad mother. She had managed to make the day all about her son, though. She had just ignored Rick, or at least, ignored the fact that he had been gone for four years, that she had thought he was dead, and that he was the father of her child. Alexis had gone home – she said she had studying to do, but Martha had offered to drive her, and she wasn't back yet. Kate wondered how Rick would make it up to her. She wondered what Rick thought of her staying in his house. In his room. In his bed. Now he was here, it felt very wrong.

She went through to the living room, a cosy sweater over her dress, and there he was. Sitting on the couch like he had never been away. She could see his abs through his t-shirt – that was new. He looked so much stronger, and there was something in his eyes too. As though he was wiser.

"Hey," he said, not sure whether she would want to talk now.

"Hey," she replied. "So..."

"Where do you want to start?"

She smiled, and sat at the other end of the couch, turning so her back was against the armrest, then pulling her legs up in front of her, looking at him over her knees. He had his arms spread out on the back of the couch, and he turned to face her.

"I think you should start," she said. He nodded.

"It was after I had been to your place. I kicked Gina out, and broke my contract with her. So I didn't have a publisher. And there was this guy I was supposed to meet in LA. I got there a day early, so I went to a bar in the evening. I was so... I felt terrible. I was trying to drown my sorrows, so I wasn't thinking about... And there was this girl. She was beautiful, and she'd read all my books. She wanted my autograph, and then she wanted to hang out with me. Her friends came over too, and we were partying. And then I saw a college ID in her purse. She was eighteen. And I had been into her. She was only a few years older than Alexis! I went to the bathroom and puked my guts out, then had a coffee.

I had to get my head straight. I left the bar, and walked through the streets. I was still walking in the morning. People recognised me, especially women. They all thought the same thing – that I was a playboy, that I would want them, that I was up for it. And I realised that wasn't who I was. It was who I had pretended to be, since... Well, since before the end of high school. My first book came out when I was in college – I can barely remember not being rich and sought after. I know this is making me sound like a tool. And that's the way it should be.

So I was walking through LA. I was lost, I didn't even know the name of the hotel to tell a taxi driver. I kept walking. There was this guy, standing on a street corner, holding a bucket, trying to raise money to build a well in Ethiopia. I asked about it, I don't know why, but I didn't give him any money. I finally got back to the hotel, but I couldn't stop thinking about something he'd said. Something about making a difference, that it's never too late.

But I had told him that it was too late for me. I've done so many things – I have a criminal record! And I was going to have a son. I had deserted him, and my whole family, because I couldn't face them. I thought about going back – I wanted to. But I would have just gone back to being the same asshole I've always been. The only thing I didn't screw up was Alexis, and I thought it was only a matter of time.

There are a lot of things in my life you don't know about. My childhood, wondering who my father was, school... I've always been a troublemaker. I always make jokes. I don't like what's real. I started writing to make a fantasy world for myself because I couldn't stand the real one. And I was living in my fantasy world – even on that drunken night, all I'd been doing was having a little drama for myself.

I didn't know how to fix anything. I thought about seeing a shrink – paying someone thousands of dollars to talk about my life. It works for some people, don't get me wrong. But there are so many far bigger problems! People get shot, people die, people starve, people lose everything... and I was having a melt down because I'D been an idiot, and been with the wrong woman, while the first person to really get to know me was carrying my child. My second accidental child.

I thought about how I'd been when Lex was born, how Meredith and I stayed together, but I was just pretending – she wasn't faithful, and you know what? Neither was I, once I found out. We were the same – I tried to be a good father, but if Lex hadn't been so smart, I probably would have ruined her life too. And then Gina.. it was convenient. It made sense in the story I wanted my life to be.

I've made so many mistakes, and in LA, I started trying to work out how to fix them. I went to see Meredith, and apologised. She laughed. I called Gina, and left her a message. And I went back to that corner, and talked to the guy with the megaphone and the clipboard, and I said, I'll do it. We went out for coffee, and he gave me some contacts. I did the research, and I left. I knew from my mother that you and Alexis were okay – I knew it wasn't great. I spent Christmas working in a homeless shelter, and then I had to go to England to meet someone who was going to help me. And then, just after Johnny was born, I left.

I don't expect it to make sense to you. But I had to get my head straight. And I thought about all these people, who have nothing, yet stay so strong – and I had everything, but I was still weak. I wanted to do something hard. I wanted to push myself. I'd never worked a day in my life. I had to work, I had to feel the strain of labouring for something that was almost impossible. I remembered when I was little, I always imagined the father I didn't know as someone who changed things – he was a spy who saved the world, or a brave explorer.

And now I was going to have a son, and that son would have a father he didn't know. And I wanted my son's father to be the dream – I wanted my real life to be worth something. So much of my life was based on fantasy. I had to do something that my son would be proud of."

He had stopped looking at Kate after a few sentences, instead looking up through the skylight at the glow of New York, which hid the stars. Kate was glad he wasn't looking – she had been crying. If she hadn't understood, she could have stayed mad at him. If she'd completely understood, there wouldn't have been a problem. But she was stuck in between the two. What he said made sense, and it was undeniable, he had been doing good. But he had still left. He had still left his children, and his family.

She didn't know if it was selfish or not. As if he had heard her thoughts, Rick looked around at her.

"I must sound so selfish, so self absorbed. But it would have been more selfish to stay – I used you, Kate."

"I wanted to be used."

"That doesn't matter. And anyway, are you sure? Because I didn't want to use you. I wanted it to be real."

"It was too... I don't know. I enjoyed it, so much. It's still a good memory."

"For me, too. I'm glad. But I didn't want to continue to use you. I wanted you to have a life free of me – if I hadn't forced myself on you, you would never have had to make the choice about whether what we were doing was right or not. I didn't want you to have to continue making it."

"So you chose for me? For all of us?"

"It wasn't a perfect solution."

Kate laughed sarcastically. "You think?"

Rick made a face. "I'm an idiot. But I can see in your face that you get it."

"I know you don't have a perfect life, and hard things happened to you, too. You have all these things you have to work through, just like everyone else. And I already knew you had a thing for big gestures."

"It worked. I met people who were real. Bad people, confused people – and I was actually useful."

"You? Work?"

He laughed. "You should have seen me in those first few weeks. But I hope you'll give me a chance to prove that I've changed. I might even have grown up."

"Took you long enough," she said, but she was softening towards him all the time. She hated herself for it, but she could see where he was coming from, and she knew that although it wasn't the perfect choice, he had made it with very good intentions. And it would have been hard, if he had stayed. She would have been alone.

"Did you stay away so Lex and I would stay close?"

Rick looked at her. "I wondered if you'd work that out. You were so good for her. Alexis never had a mother she could rely on, she never had a role model. For her, you were the first woman she'd seen a lot of that she could actually respect, and who could actually teach her something."

Kate began to see how much he'd thought this out. "And you knew if you stayed, we wouldn't see each other?"

"Exactly. Let's face it, I never taught her much. She needed you. I made sure you two were friends – if you hadn't gone for it, I would have come back. I felt awful for deserting her. Of course she needed a parent. But I think she needed you, more than she needed me."

Kate thought about her relationship with Rick's daughter, and she understood his actions even more.

"You should still have spoken to us. And what about-"

"I had to let you do it on your own. I kept in touch. And yeah, that. It is a very long story. Involving... so much. I actually did nearly die. I was in a fight!"

"You still sound like an excited little boy when you say that."

"Yeah. I make light of it. Trying to do that less, now you mention it. Out there... I learned how to be real. I learned how important each day is – because for those people, the next day really could be their last."

Kate could see from the look in his eyes that he meant it. He had a depth to him that hadn't been there before. She was tired, and although they weren't nearly done catching up, they both thought bed sounded like a good idea.

"Look, I know I'm in your room – you should have it back-"

Rick laughed. "No way. It's your room, Kate, and that's the way it should be. This is as much your apartment as mine now, in fact, it's more yours."

Kate shook her head, but he was serious. "I don't want to hear anything about how I should have my room back, or any talk of you leaving. If you don't want to live with me, I'll leave. Got it?"

Kate bit her lip, but nodded. Having a child did that to you, as well. If it hadn't been for Johnny, she might have left already. But now she always thought of Johnny first, and he was happy right where he was – she wouldn't take him away from that.

She went to her room, and quickly got ready for bed. She went in to check on Johnny. He seemed to be sleeping peacefully, and she watched him for a while. She began to cry again – it had been a day full of tears.

She went back to her own bed, but no sooner had she closed her eyes, was there a quiet knock on the door.

Thanks for reading, and for all the reviews you've left, you wonderful people :-). Please keep writing them! Loads of love and hugs, Z xxx