Chapter 20: Grief
Bond takes a cab to M's flat. It's now late Sunday evening in London and he dreads giving her the news. He and Jack may have had their differences, because of her but he never truly wished for this.
The dramatic way the two of them broke up was enough abuse for the old man. At least he had her for a while, and all Bond has managed is an evening soothing her remorse over Jack.
Honestly; James knows what he wants from her, but she stubbornly refuses, even though she admitted her love for him. Although, injured and partially unconscious James heard her but then again, unfortunately so did Jack. Bond managed to see him over M's shoulder as she began to cry over his injuries.
Bond walks to her front door, for a surprising change. He waits for her to answer.
The door swings open before he can knock.
"Well, come in."
M moves out of the way, and Bond follows her in. M is wearing casual slacks and a deep red cowl neck jumper and he, watches the way her hips sway...damn...his daydreams intruding on reality.
Now is definitely not the time. He has not been with a woman...in too long. He stays standing by the front hall, and waits silently for indication of what's to come.
M turns and looks at him her brow arched in confusion. "Bond, why are you standing there? You hardly wait for permission into my bed why so politely stiff now?"
Bond was all prepared to hide the worst from her, but he just can't. M needs to know. "M I have bad news...I think the body found was Jack's. The ID was real and the hair...it looked like it could have been Jack."
"I know...the CIA called Tanner. Swanson was too damn scared to give me the news directly. According to the CIA Jack rented a boat and disappeared...it seems too surreal to be true.."
M moves into her sitting room and moves to the bar. Bond removes his jacket and moves into her living area joining her at the bar. M hands him a measure of scotch. She looks tired and her eyes are puffy from tears.
"You loved him...it is no shame to admit your remorse M."
"What do you know of love!" M snaps at him, instantly ashamed for the attack. Grief is a terrible strain on the emotions.
Bond brows furrow, he knows she's upset, but Jack was his friend too.
"All I know of love is that it seems normal, until it yanks the heart out of you, and you end up in gut wrenching pain."
M takes a drink and then gives a large audible sigh as she moves to sit on the sofa. Bond occupies the chair across from her and leans forward.
"I think you know how much I know of love and loss. If you want to play the widow for this relationship, you should know that I think it's a bit of a stretch after you admitted you loved me, in front of your much more acceptably aged lover."
M closes her eyes to collect herself, pinching the bridge of her nose to ward off the headache that is about to be inspired by James Bond.
"No...we will not be discussing this. I want your report nothing more and nothing less. Then you will leave until I call you into my office."
"Of course you do."
James is getting angry at her attitude. He came here concerned for her well being, and all she does is attack, attack and attack. This is the way of things, between the two of them.
"Well I will begin by saying that the CIA agents were dehydrated, but they did have instructions to meet Jack at the hotel after they made it back. Therefore, this fishing trip was out of the blue. He went alone I have witnesses to that, and after 8 hours they called for an alert on the boat, but it's still missing."
"So this was all a tragic accident?"
"Yes, and the most miserable time I ever had on a sunny Pacific Island."
"You didn't enjoy your time on the island?"
"Why the question M? Are you really asking how many women, if any I slept with the second you weren't around? None. All three female agents called and asked me to dinner, but I declined. M, I haven't been with more than three women since a week before you sent me on your search for the crown's jewels. I even lied to Jack and made believe that I slept with a bar maid. I admit that one of those I bedded was Esmeralda, but quite honestly since then, I've been too drunk to function on most occasions."
M leans forward towards him with a flash of anger. "So what are you trying to say? That you are saving yourself for me! In some misguided challenge to make yourself be more acceptable in my eyes?"
"Yes! Damn it M. I want you, not them! How many times do I have to say it for you to believe me?"
"But if you had slept with one, she may have told you something to explain Jack's disappearance!"
"No...there is nothing to know M...the CIA confirmed it! Jack's dead and just because you feel guilty about it doesn't mean you get to toss this crap in my face! I am being loyal to a cause I think will never amount to anything, because of a combination of your stubbornness and guilt. Jack will now be between us in death as he was in life! Not to mention that it's only a year and a half since Nigel died. Do I have to battle both ghosts for your heart now, or will you admit you've wanted me all along?"
"Get out!" M stands her eyes flashing and her stance stiff and unyielding as her arm points to the door.
"No! It took two bullets for you to admit you loved me and not him, I am not leaving!"
M's eyes widen in shock and then become much more severe. "So now you are here to take your reward? To take me! You plan to take me like a knight from the middle ages would take the milk maid, just because he saved the land on which she toiled."
Bond stands before her meeting her glare for glare. "I would, if it would make you snap out of this and allow your stubborn self enjoy what you've admitted to me that you want! I will not leave you regardless of what a manipulative and arrogant bitch you are."
"What! I'm not the spy who seduces whomever; to get to places to kill their husbands, brothers or fathers!"
"That I do because you pay me to, my dear. I don't pick the safe one to sleep with just so I can avoid him by living an ocean away. You were hiding from Jack as much as you are me."
"I didn't.."
"Quit lying to me, and to yourself M. Jack's dead! You do not have to feel guilty or at fault for that!"
"Enough Bond...get out if you're not willing to give the rest of the report now. I expect it typed and get it to me by ten tomorrow morning. There will then be a debrief for a mission in Burma for you to attend."
"Sending me away too, M? Are you hoping I will disappear also?"
M's countenance softens in pity for a moment. She pauses in contemplation, as her face returns to her neutral M like countenance. M shores herself up for another attack, but tosses out yet another threat to James.
"You will take the mission or not. It is the difference of having your job or not."
"Bitch!"
This is the way of it between them, fire and ice. Her the cold visage of a woman past her prime, but still as vibrant as in her twenties and him the fire that she fears will melt her. M cannot have this. She will not puddle at his feet like the fawning whores that populate the hotels and bars he frequents, to find his particular brand of stress relief.
Who the hell does he think he is? Ordering her to accept him. The bloody arrogance of him, infuriates her. Even if she does want him, it will be on her terms not his. If he tires of waiting, he can easily find someone to play with. It is her that must remain alone and unwanted. Crossing the line with Bond truly benefits him more than her at this point.
These flashes of unbridled rage towards him make her doubt her initial desire for the man, and miss Jack all the more. Not to mention Nigel.
"Get out!"
Another emotional burst of anger and grief. That is truly all this is, a massive representation of grief. Two men, in just over a year, and she is missing both, more than she ever realized she could.
Work keeps her busy and distracted, but now work has melded with her grief; because she used work to find Jack, well his body at least. Hopefully, no one at Whitehall will question Bond's mission.
Bond's so frustrated with M that he wants to strike her, and kiss her. The feeling overwhelms him so badly that he grasps her shoulders suddenly, pulling her to his lips in a passionate embrace.
M remains stiff and unyielding until James notices wetness on his cheek. He pulls away in concern as M's body begins to shake in violent sobs. James pulls her gently back into his arms. His hand holds her head against his chest.
M's stubbornly still pulling away from him, so he begins to soothe her rocking back and forth holding her to his heart. Her sobs wrench at his heart. Damn it Jack...why did you have to meet her, fall in love with her, leave her, and bloody well die?
It hurts having M, crumble over another man. Her drunken attack last week, was fraught with frustration and guilt over Jack, now this.
James kisses the top of her head as she calms in his arms. "I'm sorry M. I really am. I can't help but fight you, and fight for you, because I feel so strongly about everything to do with you."
M is soothed by his words as much as by his actions. Why does he keep comforting her so? It makes it hard to be furious when wrapped in his strong arms, smelling his musky scent and feeling the hard muscles of his body pressed against hers.
"I'm the one who should be sorry James. I knew and I still picked Jack. You are right...he was the safe one. You burn too hot."
James pulls away and smirks that irritating smirk M would like to wipe off his face. "Too hot eh?"
"Argh...don't be so bloody full of yourself Bond, or I will send you to a Siberian listening post for a few weeks to cool your heels."
"But if you do that M...I cannot make you forget him."
Bond leans down and kisses her again. This time M kisses back.
Then she pulls away. "Not now James...it's too soon." M looks around guiltily, as if Jack or the ghost of her dead husband will suddenly appear to chastise her.
Bond frowns as he holds her at arm's length. "At least you're not saying never anymore. Are you sure you don't need me to comfort you in bed?
"James...if anything; ever comes of your constant pestering, it will be on my terms and not after you've blindsided me with unwanted kisses."
"Unwanted? M that's harsh and untrue; I think."
"James you push to hard and too fast just as Jack warned me you would."
"I'm sorry that you drive me to distraction. For weeks my fantasies involve you and I going on missions together where you're safe but the two of us are very, very alone and very busy. You make my mind wander M, and this is a distraction that can be deadly out in the field."
"I suppose the solution is within your grasps now, and you consider this restraint? If this is you reigning it in, I would hate to see how you behave when you really want something."
James smiles at her. "I'm glad you noticed M. I will see you tomorrow, and yes M, eventually you will have to acknowledge and deal with me with your own small hands. I look forward to how hands on you can be. Even if we do not get to go on that private mission anytime soon."
"Private missions...I will not be part of your adolescent fantasies 007, now leave before I fire you and report to my office by nine."
"M it would be easier for me to spend the night and get a ride in with you in the morning."
"Bond...leave...now...I want to be alone."
"I want to be alone with you also M. Why do you have to be so bloody stubborn? Just because I stay doesn't mean that I have to sleep with you. Above all else, I consider you a friend and I know you do also, or you would have reported my break ins years ago."
M sighs, she knows it's late and he diverted there on her orders to bring her the bad news. "Fine! You can stay. You know where the spare room is, take it."
The grin on his face and the raised eyebrows make M stamp her foot and cross her arms under her breasts. "James...don't look at me in that tone of voice."
"I didn't say anything?" Bond says innocently.
"I can hear your smart ass remarks in my head, just by that expression on your smug face."
"Smug and handsome, right M?"
M swats his arm, watching as he gathers his bags, and heads up to the spare room across the hall from hers. M stops by a cupboard and pulls out a towel for him. James takes it from her with another of his trademark smiles, that make most women weak in the knees.
"Good night James. I will wake at seven to get ready...we leave by eight."
"What no kiss goodnight?"
"You should consider yourself lucky that it's not a slap after all this."
"Good night M and I hope your dreams are about me. I know mine will be about you. They have been for the last 6 years or so."
After M rolls her eyes she enters her room breathing a sigh of relief that James did not try anything further.
The problem with James Bond, is that he comes so close to tipping her over the edge of sanity, and when he pushes her like that she has to fight herself to resist him. Eventually she may be willing to give in, but it's better to send him away for a while. She would rather be safe than sorry. There are eyes watching her and she must have time to process the death of another important man in her life. James will be off on a mission for a couple of weeks, allowing M to analyze her feelings for the troublesome man.
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"Ouch! You don't have to hit me...M. I was only going to give you a good morning hug."
"I would prefer it if you were dressed, and not wrapped in only a towel, still dripping wet when you invade my room Bond."
"I needed to ask you if you had a spare razor."
"You must pack them. Do you really expect me to believe that you went to Guam, without a proper shaving kit?"
"I lost mine."
"I seriously doubt that 007. Now why are you really bursting into my room half naked? Hoping to catch me dressing?" M says with a slight smile as she sits at her dressing table in her black power suit ready to apply her make up.
Bond just stands and stares at her while she outlines her lips in red. Damn...he never though an act as simple as that could be so erotic until now.
M catches his reflection watching her and a odd fluttering moves up from her stomach, to begin fluttering around her heart, and on to make her throat feel dry.
The feeling makes her breath catch in her throat as her eyes meet his in the mirror. M breaks away first and continues putting the lipstick on. Bond licks his lips, and a quick glance from M to his towel is all she needs to see how incredibly aroused the simple act has made him.
"James there may be one in my bath...go look."
James tears his eyes from her and moves to her bath...breathing suddenly as if he had been holding it for the time they locked eyes in the mirror. He runs his hands over his face and leans over, his hands grip the edge of the sink, calming himself before looking for a razor through the cupboards.
Bond is just about to begin the search through M's personal bathroom items when she comes in. She slaps his hand away from the cabinet drawer and moves to another one off to the side. She pulls out a leather bag and hands it to Bond who frowns down at the article in question.
"It was Nigel's...I couldn't part with it."
Bond nods in understanding and opens it in front of her. There is a brush and shaving cream, along with a razor. Bond begins to lather his face and now it's M's turn to stare.
M always love to watch Nigel shave. Jack tended to do it in quickly in the shower if he shaved at all. He always considered his visits vacations and a little stubble on him was attractive. Bond could go days and M wouldn't mind, but with a fresh suit and tie it seems necessary to be clean shaven.
"You could have done this in the other bath...I suppose I should be thankful you showered there, and didn't just burst into use mine."
Bond half naked and dripping wet in her house, is raising her blood pressure as it is.
"Well you haven't had me killed for trying yet M; so yes I am still pushing you."
M frowns. "I will make some tea, do you want some toast?" It would be wise for her to flee before she gives in and touches his naked chest with her fingers trailing down to the towel secured around his waist. Good lord! His stomach definition should be illegal. M remembers this heat...
"M you know what I want to eat for breakfast." Bond says with a smirk into the mirror as he continues to shave. "But toast will be fine...for now."
M shakes her head and mutters under her breath as she turns to leave him. "Bloody man."
Once she leaves Bond begins to root through the cupboard to see why she burst in to prevent him from looking. Nothing too scandalous but an almost empty package of condoms that makes him groan and a new tube of heating lubricant.
None of this helps him calm his erection nor his heart rate for that matter. Thoughts of making love to her during the day after peeling off that power suit and burying himself between her short thighs...christ! He hopes to hell she gives in soon or his genitalia will be as blue as his eyes.
It then sobers him to think that, the last man to use those with her was Jack. The last man to use the shaving kit was her husband of 40 years. M has lost a great deal this year.
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Dressed, and ready for the day, he joins M in the kitchen and sits down to enjoy breakfast with her. It's funny how the little things in life become more important within the context of who you are with.
This is nice...they don't speak, but he does meet her eyes on many occasions as they eat and drink.
Bond gathers the dishes and rolls up his sleeves to wash them in the sink. M puts a hand suddenly on his arm. "James, put them in the dishwasher."
Even though the look of him with his sleeves rolled up is a very...very attractive sight. M wants to leave...the chemistry between them is threatening her resolve. Thank god, Bond has no idea that she's been barely containing herself since he showed up in her room, in naught but a towel, and that infuriating smirk on his face.
The two of them are lost in their own thoughts as they drive to work.
James almost pounced the second her hand met his arm in the kitchen...he dreams of making love to her on the table...in the bath, on the sofa, on any surface in this flat. God god...in her office...stop thinking, we're almost at work and he'll be expected to stand up out of the car.
James begins imagining having to read training manuals for the service. There is nothing sexual about them...unless M's manicured nails...painted...red hand him the booklet. Christ there he goes again. He adjusts his tie to allow for more room to breath. He shifts in the seat, her driver keeps looking at him strangely, likely for being at her flat so early in the morning.
M mentioned to him that they had an early morning meeting, before 007 is being shipped off again. Like he believes that!
M has a lovely rose flush to her face this morning. Perhaps he missed it as she was applying the red to her lips, that she applied rouge on her lovely cheekbones. Her lips took all his attentions. The shape of her mouth, what that mouth could do to him and what he could do to that mouth, if she will allow him. She can be brutal with her mouth, cutting, emasculating and sexy as hell.
When they arrive they part without fanfare to go to their respective offices.
Eve interrupts M's daydreaming of James in a towel shaving. It seem like her heart will never stop pounding in her ears as she imagines what his chest felt like, or the smoothness of his face after the razor made it's pass.
"M here is the itinerary for your trip to Virginia at the end of the month. Are you sure you are alright about this M?"
"Yes. I will attend and give my condolences to Jack's family. I made a promise to go with him, so I will go in his honour."
"Are you going to take James?"
M looks at Eve suspiciously. "What do you mean? I do hope that you are not implying anything by that; Ms. Moneypenny."
"No...no...not at all M...I just...it is...well. You will need a guard ma'am."
"Yes I will." M looks down at the itinerary and tickets in her hand, and there are two British Airways tickets business class. One in her code name of Evelyn Carter and one for James Bond.
Eve's eyes go wide as she backs towards the door. She didn't think the older woman would examine these until much later. James assured her everything would be alright. By the look on M's face everything is far from alright.
Eve's back hits the door to M's office as the woman rounds her desk.
"What is going on here? Who put you up to this? Was it Bond? Surely this is not Tanner's idea?"
"Uhmm...I think I should go get your tea now M."
"Not so fast young lady. I want to know what is going on here...how many are involved?"
The look on M's face is beginning to scare Eve just as a knock comes to the door behind her back. Eve turns quickly to open the door and allow Tanner and Q to enter.
Tanner's shocked by the sudden opening of the door. "Eve? M, we are here for the meeting about Burma."
"Yes, yes come in. Eve not so fast. I want you all in here. I have some questions for the lot of you."
Eve nervously walks towards her desk with Q and Tanner as they move to the desk. Tanner drags a chair over from the corner of the large room to accommodate all of them.
"I will start, shall I? Since the mission to Mexico, that Eve know obviously knows about also. I have been seeing Agent Jack Ward of the CIA. I know that you are all aware of this on some level, not that I came out and said anything official. Jack as you may know was declared... missing...while on a mission."
The three of them nod already knowing this part of the story and can see that M cannot bring herself to say dead..
"What you may not have know is that Jack and I had a horrible break up when the museum incident happened. Jack went dark with the help of the CIA here in London. He asked 007 not to chase him down and James respected that. I understood that we needed some space before I could talk to him when calmer minds prevailed. However, I knew where he was, thanks to you Q, but I left him to cool down."
"Yes M, I knew where he was quite easily. The CIA has many avenues of entry for nations with similar ideals. As allies it is not difficult to gain access to human resources accounts. Always follow the money I say...it alway leads you to where you want to go."
"Yes, Q guided Bond, who followed the trail to Guam to help find Jack. Because, at this point he actually had gone missing from being missing, or hiding from me as it were. Now unfortunately his body has been discovered and verified by 007 and the CIA."
"M we're very sorry for your loss."
"I know that, Tanner, but what I don't understand is why you three are trying to push me towards 007? Care to explain?"
Three faces turn to look to each other. Q having known M the longest starts. "M, you have to admit the lad is trying his hardest to be good enough for you."
Dead silence follows.
M steeples her hand under her chin and sighs. "Is that what he thinks? Is that what you all think? That he must live up to some idealized standard for me to accept as a...well to be appropriate enough to...it's not that!"
M leans back in her chair and surprisingly spins around to look out the large glass window to London and the Thames below.
The three of them look to each other in surprise and wait.
M's voice cracks suddenly filled with emotion and regrets. "I knew that Jack was a convenient rebound relationship from Nigel...whom I still miss terribly. I sent 007 after him, so that I could admit to Jack that he was right and to apologize to him."
Tanner speaks next. "And then M? What was the point in sending Bond after a former lover? Or were you just trying to keep him away from you?"
"No!" M whirls around again her sad eyes filled with frustration and pain. "You all think I've been using his feeling for me...is that it?"
"No M." Eve says. "It's just that Bond has basically convinced us of his sincerity where you're concerned."
"So you are telling me that you believe him, and I should toss away my career, for a tumble in the sheets with a younger man."
Q stands and moves around her desk giving him the illusion of power over her by standing and hovering over her. Q leans over and takes her hand in his.
"No, we would never expect that M and you know it! Stop being so bloody stubborn and admit you have feelings for the lad. That is all that he, or I want to see. None of us wants you to be alone and lonely. And since Nigel...you have been M. You are a fine woman and he is a honourable man, deep down. You need a guard for a personal trip and he is the closest to you that can protect you better than Tanner or I."
"Q's right M. I never thought I would see eye to eye with James, but I do and he loves you a great deal. Take him with you as a guard to the wedding. You can both say your goodbyes to Jack and spend some time with his family. That's as good as any time to begin your relationship with James. If you are completely opposed I will come with you in his stead."
"So the three of you have my love life all mapped out for me, do you?" M says as her severe countenance wavers and becomes a small, yet amused smile.
Eve grins. "In a way ma'am, although I did book you a two room suite, just in case."
They are interrupted by a soft knock at the door that opens slowly. Four sets of eyes land on James Bond as he enters the office.
"What? I knocked this time."
"James come and sit, Eve please get some tea while we discuss the mission to Burma."
The three co-conspirators know when to keep their mouths shut, and do exactly as asked.
To be continued...