Part 20
A knock reverberates through Kurt's room. He curls around his pillow, rubbing his face against the soft material. "I'm trying to sleep," he calls out over Celine Dion's voice.
His dad ignores the comment and opens the door anyway. Burt steps inside, shutting the door behind him. "You okay?"
"I'm fine," Kurt says, words muffled.
Burt sighs. "Kurt…"
Kurt screws his body around and snaps, "I said I'm fine, weren't you listening?"
Apparently, that isn't the thing to say, because his dad walks over to the iPod dock, flicks off the music, then sits on the edge of Kurt's bed. "I'm going to ignore the way you just talked to me because I love you and can tell you're upset." His hand hovers over Kurt's back for a second before settling down.
Kurt wants to shrug him off, but the simple touch feels so good that he can't make himself.
"What's going on buddy? Talk to me."
His eyes begin to burn. Kurt buries his face in his pillow again. "Can't you just leave me alone Dad?" I can't handle you right now.
"Kurt," Burt says. When Kurt doesn't answer, he pulls on his son's shoulder and tugs him to his side. "Kurt, I've left you alone. You've been moping in here for three days. I let you stay home from school today. You need to let me in."
Kurt shakes his head. "I'm sorry. I just can't." Grief wells in Kurt chest, as fresh and cutting as it has been since Friday, since Regionals. Please just go.
Burt's hand slides from his back to the nape of his neck. His thumb presses lightly in the place behind Kurt's ear. Kurt's willpower collapses. When he was young, Kurt's mom used to pet his hair and rub her fingers in the spots behind Kurt's ears.
He surges upwards, abandoning the lesser comfort of his pillow, and throws himself against his father's chest. Kurt can't talk. The words are too jumbled, too private in his head, so he cries instead. Burt's worn cotton shirt sticks to Kurt's skin, tears acting like glue. Kurt doesn't care. He just turns his nose inwards, breathing in the scent of car oil and grease. The bottom of Burt's chin presses reassuringly against the top of Kurt's head, and not for the first time in his life, Kurt wishes he could crawl inside his dad's embrace and leave the world behind.
"Jesus," Burt curses. His hands run soothingly up Kurt's back, stopping every so often to squeeze at Kurt's neck and shoulders.
They stay like that for a while. How long, Kurt's unsure, but his tears dry out, his eyes throb and his whole body feels stiff and mechanic. "Sorry," he whispers, wiping his face with the edge of his blanket.
His dad's fingers find that safe place at the back of his ears again, and Burt says, "Tell me what's wrong."
Kurt suddenly notices the crack and peel of his lips. He bends past his father and slips his chapstick off the nightstand. Burt stares at him as he applies a layer, twice. Eyes flickering down, Kurt says, "I've been seeing someone."
The fingers fall from his neck. The sudden absence of warmth is like an icepick to Kurt's chest. "I know." Kurt's ears ring. He shakes his head, because he's pretty sure his dad just said, I know. His gaze flutters upwards to meet his father's. Wrinkles pucker over Burt's nose and on his forehead.
Burt sighs, slips off his hat, and runs his hand over his balding head. "I'm not blind Kurt, nor am I stupid. You've been gone way more than normal. Despite the fact I know you love your friends, there is no way you're spending that much time with Mercedes and Rachel Berry. Not to mention that you've been walking on cloud nine the past few months."
Kurt leans back, shoulders tight, mouth hanging open. "You knew? Why didn't you say anything?"
The bed shifts as Burt eases against the headboard. "I figured you'd tell me when you were ready. I remember what being seventeen is like."
Silence is thick in the room as Kurt processes. He knew I was seeing someone.A crazy bubble of laughter rises in his chest, but it dies quickly as Kurt catches sight of his dad's serious gaze. He's waiting for me to say something.Kurt has no idea what to say, no idea how to continue.
Fortunately, Burt takes the reins. "Do you want to tell me what's being going on?"
Not really,Kurt thinks, but then he realizes, he does want to tell his dad. He wants someone to tell him what to do. He wants his dad to give him advice, make his hurt go away. Kurt swallows the sudden rock in his throat and says, "I've been dating this guy since February." He pauses, then amends his statement. "Well, really we've been seeing each other before that, before Christmas, but it's been official since Valentine's Day."
Burt's eyes narrow. Kurt knows his dad wants to comment, but Kurt's begun, and he can't keep everything inside anymore. "It was going so well. He didn't want to come out, which I thought I could deal with." His eyes begin to burn again. "But it got too hard. I told him he needed to come to see me at Regional's or we were over. He didn't show up." He wipes away the tears on his cheek and in a small voice adds, "I really thought he loved me."
His dad doesn't respond right away, which surprises Kurt.
"Dad?" Kurt says tentatively.
"Kurt," Burt says, rubbing his palms down the length of his battered jeans, "You know I love you more than anything else in this world." He doesn't pause, but Kurt nods like he does. "You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who will support and care for you." His dad's tone is low and soothing, but Kurt knows this is leading up to something. A knot twists in his stomach. "You deserve to be with someone who is as proud to be who they are, as you are to be you."
Kurt nods again. He twists the pillow case beneath his fingers. Burt stares into Kurt's eyes as he continues, "But Kurt, you should never give anyone you're in a relationship an ultimatum. It's not fair."
"Not fair?" Kurt cries, pushing himself backwards. His hand catches the edge of the bed and twists, swinging his body. His feet slam into the carpet. He shoves his fingers under his arms. "Why are you taking his side?" Tears cloud his vision. Fury fueling his suddenly energy, Kurt yanks his sleeve over his face to wipe away the evidence of his sorrow.
Burt stands and circles the bed. "I'm not taking his side." He stops and shakes his head. "I don't even know who he is! I'm trying to help you out here buddy, and you can't even tell me who you've been dating," Burt's voice rises, and he throws up his hands.
You are taking his side!Kurt's brain screams. His muscles coil tight as anger floods his system. "It's David Karofsky!" Kurt hurls the name like a weapon.
It hits like one too. Burt staggers back. His hands fall to his sides like limp dishrags. Red spreads across his face in a flash. His head tilts to the side. His question stretches out like chewed gum. "The boy that threatened to kill you?"
Shame, guilt, and even more anger fill Kurt's lungs. "He's not that guy anymore Dad," Kurt says hurriedly. He licks his lips. "He was just beat-up inside before. He's changed."
A vein in Burt's neck pulses. He takes a slow step forward. His hands are curled by his sides in tight fists. "You've been dating the boy who was shoving you into lockers and made you come home crying with bruises on your back?"
It's not that Kurt had forgotten about those things, it's just that they seem so long ago. Dave is a different person. "Dad," Kurt says again. "He's changed. He'd never hurt me. He's learned to control his temper."
I'm going to punch his face in.The memory of those words, of Dave's words, said only a few days ago, flickers through Kurt's mind. Kurt shakes his head. "He even stops the other jerks at school from bullying me."
"Kurt!" Burt shouts. He flings his arm towards the bed. "You were just bawling your eyes out because of him." Burt grinds his teeth together. His jaw ticks.
"That's not the same." Kurt wipes his sleeves over his face again. He opens his mouth to suck in air. His chest is burning.
His dad turns around, like he can't stand to look at Kurt, and yanks off his hat. "Jesus," Burt curses under his breath. There's a long moment when the only sound in the room is mirroring panting of father and son. The silences kill Kurt. "Dad…"
"Kurt," Burt snaps. "I am not okay with you dating David Karofsky."
Misery fills Kurt's mouth like ash. "It doesn't matter anyway. We're over."
Burt nods, but the anger doesn't leave his face. He slides his hat back on his head and says, "I need some time to think about this." His hand wraps around the doorknob, but he stops before leaving. Looking over his shoulder, he says, "Don't keep any secrets like this from me again."
Kurt nods then watches his dad's retreating back. The misery slides down his throat. It piles up in his stomach. Bile rises, elbowing its way in besides the feeling. All his strength fades away. Somehow Kurt makes it back to the bed, even though his legs feel like jelly. He collapses. His pillow brushes along his forehead, and his comforter is an uncomfortable lump beneath his body. He doesn't move. He doesn't cry. He tries not to think.
He just wallows in an endless storm of desolation.
###
"I got you a latte," Finn says, holding out a Lima Bean cup.
Kurt takes it but doesn't drink. "Thanks," he says. The cup tips in his hand. A puddle of cream colored coffee seeps around the lid.
"It's soy, and almond. Possibly vanilla. I'm not too sure. The lady at the counter asked me a lot of questions." Finn smiles. It doesn't reach his eyes. They pass by Quinn's locker and Finn slows down. Kurt walks a few paces past and stops. His locker is down the hall, but he doesn't really want to go all the way there. He can see Dave's locker from his. Finn bobs his head then says, "I wanted to thank you."
Surprise flutters through Kurt's chest. He latches onto the feeling. Anything is better than the sorrowful nothing that's taken up his whole being. He raises an eyebrow.
"For not telling Burt that I knew about you and Karofsky," Finn says as if Kurt asked a question. "He would have killed me if he knew I knew and said nothing." It's been three days since Burt came into Kurt's room. Things have been tense at the Hummel-Hudson household. Finn's face had gone as white as ghost when Burt had brought up Dave at the dinner table.
Kurt shrugs. It's not like he meant not to tell. Finn knowing just never popped. "No problem. I'm already in trouble. No point in getting you in trouble too." Kurt tries for sarcastic humor, but it falls flat.
Finn nods and flashes Kurt one of his classic half-smiles. It last a second too long, and Kurt knows the conversation is about to get uncomfortable. He looks down the hall. "Hey, I have to…"
"Burt told me to look out for you. Make sure you're okay," Finn says, bowling over Kurt's flight attempt.
Kurt presses his lips together. "I'm not a child Finn."
Finn shifts and shrugs. "I know, but you're my brother. Both your dad and I don't like seeing you hurt."
Suddenly, his eyes feel heavy, and for the first time in days it's not because he feels sad. He sniffs and says, "Thanks." Finn smiles, a real one this time, then hugs him. God,Kurt thinks. He squeezes back hard, basking in Finn's strength.
"Homos," Azimio's voice slices through Kurt's moment of happiness. Finn let's go and Kurt looks over to the douchebag.
He's not alone. Dave is beside him, McKinley jacket hanging loose on his tall frame, despite the fact it's April and sixty degrees outside. His face is gaunt and pale. Bags droop under his eyes. He doesn't say anything as he passes. He gives Finn a momentary sneer, but the expression slides off his face as he looks at Kurt.
"Go away," Kurt says. The words are directed in Azimio's direction, but he can't take his eyes off Dave.
"What's wrong?" Azimio taunts. "They run out of your favorite make-up?" He turns towards Dave for a high-five, but Dave never stopped walking. Azimio frowns at his friend's back. He flashes Finn and Kurt a disgusted look and hurries after Dave. "Dude, what's up with you?" Kurt hears him say, but he ignores the big jock and faces Finn.
His brother is red-faced. "Do you want me to go get Puck and beat them up?" Finn asks.
"No." Kurt shakes his head. Coffee sloshes from the square whole in the lid and splashes Kurt's hand. He grimaces even though it's not hot enough to burn anymore. "I just want things to go back to normal." Dave disappears around the corner. Heading towards first period Spanish.Normally, Kurt would be receiving a playful text from Donkey Kong right about now. Tears threaten again. He squashes them down ruthlessly. He forces a smile to his face and takes a sip of the lukewarm coffee. It tastes like a candy bar and hurts Kurt's teeth.
Quinn appears from nowhere, planting a quick kiss to Finn's cheek. She smiles at Kurt and hands him a flyer. He tries to concentrate on what she's saying- something about prom queen- but a single thought cycles through his brain like poison.
What if I never feel normal again?
###
The following Sunday Kurt receives a text message while out for coffee and bagels with Mercedes and Tina. He's been pretending everything's fine, forcing himself to do the things he normally does. Every moment feels like an eternity, and even though he's not crying every day, the fist around his heart hasn't stop squeezing.
It's from Donkey Kong. He excuses himself from the table, claiming to need the bathroom. Behind the closed door of the one stall in the men's room, Kurt takes a deep breath and opens the message.
Hey, it says. Can we talk?
Kurt wants to say no. He wants to be a bitch and tell Dave to fuck off, but he wants not to feel like every second is torture more. Yeah. Where? When?
His phone chirps. My dad's office. 30 mins?
Kurt glances at his watch. It's ten. He doesn't have to help dad at the garage until two. He glances at the stall door. Mercedes and Tina are expecting you to go shopping with them,Kurt tells himself. He looks back his phone. Okay,he types back.
Thanks,Dave replies. Kurt doesn't respond. He stuffs his phone in his pocket and checks himself in the mirror before heading back out the table.
"Hey girls," Kurt says. He bends his knees at the table, hunching, apologizing. "My dad just called. He needs me earlier than he thought."
Tina blinks. Mercedes says, "Hell no! You promised you'd come shopping with us."
"Sorry." He holds up his hands.
Both girls frown. "Kurt!" Mercedes growls. He knows she's not mad about the shopping. She's been on him all week about his depressed mood.
"Sorry," he says again.
She stands up and grabs his wrist as he steps away from the table. "What is going on with you?"
He looks at her angry face and has a realization. I'm going to lose my best friend.He swallows then leans in to wrap his arms around her body. "I can't tell you yet. But I promise I will." He looks at Tina and makes the same promise with his eyes.
Mercedes pulls out the embrace. "When?"
"Soon."
"That's not good enough," she says, hands on her hips.
He wracks his brain for an answer. "Before prom."
"Prom is two weeks away!" she growls.
"So not long at all." Time is ticking. It's going to take at least twenty minutes to get to the college. She doesn't think his snarkiness is funny, so he relents. "Before prom. I promise. That way I'll have everything figured out myself."
She huffs, clearly unhappy with the answer. "Mercedes," he pleas.
"Fine." She crosses her arms to show her disagreement.
"Thank you." Kurt leans forward again and presses a kiss to her cheek. He squeezes Tina's shoulder.
"Whatever." She rolls her eyes, but the tips of her lips tilt upwards.
"I love you girls," Kurt says, twisting his hands.
Mercedes snorts and Tina says, "Go help your dad."
Kurt hugs them each and leaves the coffees shop. He jogs to his car.
###
The parking lot of the college is empty except for Dave's blue truck. Dave's waiting inside as Kurt pulls into the spot next to him. They both get out of their cars and meet on the sidewalk.
"Hey," Dave says, sticking his hands in the pockets of his letterman jacket. His shoulders are hunched and his face drawn.
"Hey." The whole thing is reminiscent of the first time he and Dave met here, forever and a day ago.
Dave turns his back to Kurt as he says, "Let's go inside." He doesn't wait for Kurt's answer. He heads for the front doors. His hand only comes out to unlock and pull open the door. He holds it open for Kurt with his back.
"Thanks," Kurt says mechanically. Coming here feels like a mistake. However, instead of leaving, Kurt follows Dave down the familiar hallway.
Mr. Karofsky's office is just as Kurt remembers it- small room, big desk, and battered loveseat. Neither Kurt nor Dave sit down. Dave presses against the edge of desk. Kurt hovers under the doorframe. The silence stretches thin. Finally, Kurt can't take it anymore. "What am I doing here Dave?"
The bigger boy's eyes flicker back and forth as Dave looks from Kurt's boots to his face. Kurt watches as his ex-boyfriend's mouth pulls into a line and sadness floods his gaze. "I'm sorry," Dave rasps. Kurt doesn't reply, so Dave continues. "I'm so sorry." His hands finally come out of his pockets. They reach towards Kurt, but drop halfway there.
Kurt's been dreaming of an apology. It feels nothing like he expected. It doesn't feel good. "Sorry doesn't matter," Kurt chokes out. Wetness slides down his face. He doesn't move to wipe away his tears. "You didn't care enough about me to come support me." There's glass in Kurt throat. It cuts as he swallows.
"I care about you," Dave whispers. He bites his lips and bows his head. When he lifts it seconds later, tears drip down his cheeks. "I love you."
The words steal Kurt's breath. A shattered gasp wracks through the room.
Dave sways forward and grabs Kurt's arms. "I love you," he says again. Dave tears come harder.
Kurt lets his head fall forward. Dave's chest feels familiar and warm. "I know." He doesn't grip Dave back. "I love you too." The muscles beneath him shudder. Dave releases a little sob. Kurt steps away. Fingers scrap along his bare elbows.
He looks into Dave's eyes. "It's not enough."
Dave staggers backwards, hitting the desk. He rubs his thumb under his eyes. "Why?" he cries.
Kurt's breathe hiccups. "Because I need someone who will come to my shows." It sounds petty, so Kurt continues even though he feels like collapsing onto the floor. "I need someone who isn't afraid of themselves, who isn't ashamed of me. I need someone who will hang out with my friends and come over to my house for dinner." Kurt has to stop and gulp in air. He reaches out and grabs Dave's hands. He presses them together between his own. "I love you Dave. I want to be with you. But I respect myself too much to let you keep me your dirty secret."
Dave yanks his hands free, and suddenly, Kurt feels empty. His tears slow. He stands there, watching grief and anger shift over the other boy's face. "I can't," Dave says, voice trembling. He shakes his head, as if trying to jiggle something free. "I can't." His words die like he just can't finish his thoughts.
Kurt licks his lips and nods. "I know." Dave fumbles forward and presses his lips against Kurt's.
"Please," he sobs, breath ghosting over Kurt's skin.
Kurt moves away, steps into the hallway. He shakes his head. "Now you won't have too. I set you free."
"I don't want to be free."
I don't want to be free either.The emptiness grows, numbing Kurt's chest, his head, his whole body. "Bye." He turns, walks a few steps down the hall. Dave's sobs are like drumrolls in his ears. He pauses, sucks in air, and then pulls the numbness over his thoughts.
This is for the best, Kurt tells himself. It sounds like a lie.