THE STAIRCASE
By Red Charcoal
Warnings: Non-consensual sex references. This is dark. It's my first fic. So for themes and novice errors, you have been warned.
CHAPTER 20: BROKEN
Dr Archie Hopper viewed the woman seated across from him at his desk, her fingers drumming viciously on the oak surface.
"Well?'' she demanded. "Are you going to help or not? What can you even do anyway? Let me guess - prescribe sedatives, I suppose? Or will you suggest 'hypnosis'?'' She put derisive finger quote marks in the air around the last word and leaned forward as if inspecting his soul. She stared at him closely for a beat and then leaned back again as though she found said soul sorely wanting.
Regina Mills had never been the most pleasant person Archie Hopper had ever met, and he had met a few of those in his profession. Nor was she the easiest to deal with, especially when she was in a mood. But she was definitely the most tortured person he'd ever met and the one most in denial about it. And for that reason he considered it a minor miracle she was even in his office at all today. He was still trying to get to the bottom of which straw that broke the camel's back had driven her in here.
But she kept evading the topic.
"In good time we will examine all the options available,'' he said soothingly. "But first, when you say you can't sleep without help, but the help you had you'd 'Rather not call on again even if it was a choice between that and a fiery pit in Hell', to what are you referring? Surely if you found an effective solution for your insomnia, you should stick with it?''
Regina's eyes narrowed dangerously and Archie had to will himself not to arch his head back from the sheer force of menace she was suddenly shooting his way.
"That is no longer possible. I will not permit myself to, to... go through that again.''
"Through what?'' he asked, confused. "Just explain - how have you been so effectively getting yourself to sleep prior to this week?''
"None of your business, Doctor,'' Regina snarled and leaned forward. "And it wasn't an 'effective solution' anyway because the nightmares still persisted. Now are you going to help me find a substitute for her or not!''
"Her?!'' Archie felt his eyes widen, and his mouth drop open. He quickly closed it again but his response had been noted.
Regina looked like she wished she could rip her own tongue out. She rose from her chair and he thought for one moment she was about to storm out.
It wouldn't be the first time. The highly-strung and dreadfully skittish mayor had made three abortive visits to him earlier this week, and so far this one was lasting the longest. Although it was only a matter of time before he said the wrong thing.
However instead of leaving, the brunette walked slowly to the window and stared outside, clasping her hands behind her midnight black jacket, saying nothing. He observed the tense lines in her body language, and the exhausted way she subtly leaned against the window frame for support.
He knew sooner or later something would have to give. No one could go on like this. Henry now spent most of his sessions worrying about his mother's state of mind and Archie had to keep assuring him that when she was ready to get help he would be there. Now finally here she was.
Archie puzzled over the mayor's admission and the identity of the woman helping her sleep at night.
Absurd as it seemed, only one name kept floating to the top of his list as likely enough to both rile Regina this much and yet also be allowed inside her inner sanctum. The woman had, from day one, simply marched right up to Storybrooke's most vicious lion and poked her in the eye, ignoring the outraged roars.
"Miss Swan. Miss Swan helps you sleep?''
Her head whipped around from the window at the name and for a second he saw the hint of anguish before the shutters came down.
"Helped,'' she corrected waspishly. "Past tense. And don't look at me like that. I am not having tawdry sex with ... with ... my rapist.''
She crossed her arms and glared.
"The thought hadn't occurred to me,'' Archie said innocently. "But I am curious as to why you thought it had. Have you contemplated making love with Miss Swan? Is this what is upsetting you? Because of what happened between you? You are now having an inner conflict?''
The growl from her throat was so low and frighteningly animalistic that this time the doctor did flinch.
"Miss Swan and I would NEVER 'make love' as you so quaintly put it. She is a common criminal and I'm... I'm...'' She petered out and glanced away.
"You're?'' Archie asked, canting his head to one side, curious as to why she hadn't actually listed her town-leader credentials or lofty status as she usually did.
"I'm...'' she threw her hands up and then walked back to the chair and sat heavily in it. She sighed exhaustedly as though she had no fight left to hide her feelings. "Surely you knew," she said with a faint smile. "I'm broken.''
She said it so softly Archie had to strain to hear the word. Then she was continuing, her voice a dry husk. "I could never do that. It's so ... intimate.'' She said the word as though the mere idea disgusted her.
She shook her head and a hint of her trademark fire surfaced in her eyes. "And as if I would lower myself,'' she added as an afterthought.
"Mmm,'' Archie said unconvinced. He eyed her and then swallowed. Time to finally have the talk.
"Tell me something," he began. "Leopold. Graham. Emma. What do they have in common?''
Regina's mouth twitched coldly. "Me. On top of me. Or under me,'' her eyes glittered darkly, the warning clear. "Why?'' she ground out, daring him to continue on such risky ground.
"Were there others?''
"None of your business.''
"Do you not see the common theme?''
Regina scowled but shook her head sharply once.
"All your sexual experiences have involved abuse of power for sex, or actual sexual assault.''
He could see the outrage chase across her features, could see she was dying to deny Graham had been used by her in that way. Perhaps used exactly the same way others had used her.
Archie was prepared for the denial but he actually knew the truth. The late sheriff had become inebriated at a party a few years back and confessed his secret shame over Regina's little arrangement - her power kicks and intimidation. His weakness and her control. The lopsided dance of power they did at Granny's B&B on Thursdays and Saturdays. Monday nights at her house. How sometimes she did not always ask permission and took him as though it was her divine right.
The day after the party confessions, the sheriff had sought him out and denied it all as a drunken man's foolish nonsense. He hadn't even looked Archie in the eye. The doctor had tried to press him but the man just gruffly told him to leave it be. They had never discussed it again ... until that night.
Two years had passed and one night, shortly before he'd suddenly died, a confused, staggering Graham had cornered him on the street. Pushing him against a store front by the lapels he had leaned in and, in an anguished, chillingly sober whisper, had began to tell him of repressed memories surfacing. Memories of a crazed, vicious Regina, dressed in wild, dark clothes, doing more than merely toying with him. Cruel, cold memories. Where she never once asked permission.
Archie hadn't known what to think. The man had clearly been suffering some sort of mental break. He was tempted to dismiss the strange rambling encounter - and yet... That night still haunted him. And every now and then when he saw the town's mayor at her worst, her eyes flashing darkly, looking like she would love to crush the heart of some annoying town's minion, the memory would return and he would wonder if it was a mere delusion or based on something else.
"You know nothing!" Regina suddenly hissed.
Archie waited for the predictable denial. Would she explain in detail some rationalisation that Graham liked it rough or Archie had misunderstood or...
"I ... there was one man I loved and he loved me!''
She forced it out like proof, as if not wanting to reveal it and yet unable to stop herself. As if dredging up this precious memory made her valid and proved she was human underneath it all.
Archie started at this unexpected turn. "You had a lover where there was equality, love and mutual respect?''
He couldn't quite school the surprise from his voice and was irritated by himself for it. He should better learn to hide his feelings.
"I... no.''
Regina looked down at hands twisting in her lap and he could see the tiniest hint of tears glistening in sad eyes. "He died. Before we could do more than kiss ... I was young. We were young. It was before everything turned bad. He wasn't my lover, but he was my hope and my whole world.''
Archie could feel the oceans of pain lancing that sentence. He noted her voice had changed pitch, turning almost childlike and years seemed to instantly melt off her face.
"Regina,'' he said gently as if addressing a child. "You are still worthy of love. You had it once. You can have it again, even if you do feel broken. Which brings us back to where we began. The idea of ... if you weren't feeling so broken ... do you feel that you might want to find love in the arms of Emma Swan?'' he asked carefully.
One must never assume. But he did have eyes and a brain.
Regina's mouth opened and then closed again. She seemed both appalled and confused.
"I don't kn... It's really not possible,'' she finally snapped. And suddenly adult Regina was most definitely back in the room. "It's useless to even consider it. Even if I wanted to - which I do not. I mean the idea is absurd! Her and me? Really! Have you seen the car she drives? And the way she walks? Like a caveman. And talks? And how she... she... stands? And looks at me like me I'm a goddamned dessert? We have nothing in common. She's ... it's insane.''
Archie wondered who she was trying so hard to convince.
"Perhaps,'' he said non-committally. "And I would be the first to say there would be many obstacles and some fairly good reasons for you not to pursue this relationship, at least not now."
Regina's head snapped up and Archie saw hurt and betrayal. He wondered if she even knew that she was giving him dagger glares for suggesting a relationship that she had only just condemned might not be for the best.
"But the heart wants what the heart wants," he continued, noting her outraged eyes soften again. "So, if you like, we can perhaps talk about why you think it's so impossible.''
"It's absurd,'' she repeated again and this time she sounded even less certain. Finally she shook her head and seemed completely lost.
"Indeed," he replied, for want of something else to say.
For a long moment they just stared at each other. He could see her weighing the degrees of "absurdity" she felt when she considered being with Emma Swan.
It appeared to be a long list.
A look of fear finally washed across her eyes and it was like a light going out. As if suddenly realising where she was, Regina's entire face changed. Dismay and embarrassment flooded her features.
She snarled. "We are done. You will tell no one of this, doctor. This conversation never took place.''
"No, of course, Mayor Mills. Doctor-client privilege means I would nev...''
"I have no idea why I even came here,'' she said angrily, rising. "It's a waste of time. Nothing ever changes.''
"It can if you want it to. If you want me to help you, emotionally, prepare to be in a loving relationship with Miss Swan, I can...''
"I want nothing of the sort and if you breathe so much a word of that to anyone I will make you pay dearly.''
"Mayor Mills, there's no need for threats. It's alright to want some love in your life.''
"I have love in my life! I have Henry!'' she snapped and this time she really did look like she was going to leave. "And the notion I would ever want to have it with that woman, the woman who tried to RAPE me...''
"Also the woman who helps you sleep at night when you clearly need it so desperately,'' he responded as she stalked towards the door.
"Not anymore,'' Regina said. "Never again. She made demands for something I could never give. You yourself listed my less-than-desirable dating history. We both know it's true.''
"No one is suggesting you rush into dating anyone. We're just considering all sides of the issues, where you are now, where you want to go. But may I ask - what demands?''
The mayor paused and leaned against the door.
"More,'' she said. "She wants more. I can't give her anything like that. I have nothing inside to give.''
She almost painfully slapped her hand into the door frame when she said it. Archie eyed her sympathetically.
"You keep telling yourself that and one day you might even believe it," he said softly, as her eyes instantly grew wide with rage. "In the meantime...''
The door furiously slamming made the framed degree on his wall shake.
"... I am here to talk whenever you need and to help repair what makes you feel broken," he finished to the now shut door. "Any time," he said lamely to himself.
Five minutes later, the text message that landed in Emma Swan's phone made the blonde pause in her tracks. Ten small but potent words.
Emma felt her world collapse. Dimly she could hear Mary Margaret calling out to her. Asking what was wrong. She vaguely felt arms come around her shoulders and realised somehow she was now on her knees in the middle of her apartment.
Wordlessly she handed her phone to her housemate whose eyes scoured the small LED screen.
"It's time. You will now leave Storybrooke. Never come back. R."