Disclaimer- I don't own Castle, Andrew Marlowe does. Please don't sue me for writing this story! Just having fun playing in the Castle Sandbox! Errors corrected, but I do not have a beta reader, so there's probably typos and dropped words (my apologies). I am not getting into the fandom and making friends for a reason; all my experiences with fandom in the past have brought me friends and some great charity work, but at the same time, incredibly gross and unappealing drama (like having my account hacked. Nice job, right?). I actually had my life threatened by someone once (are you kidding me? It's only fanfiction!). I am never going to fall into that trap again. It's not worth it at all. But the nice people who've reviewed the prequel to this story, I do appreciate you! Thank you!

On Monday morning, Liz Elsburg had a staff meeting at Greenwich Village Bistro. I ordered a cup of coffee and we went over her projected trends in the industry and what to look for. I took notes with the other jr. agents and email them to myself.

When the meeting was over, I sent Nina a text message. She was still in town from the wedding, going back on Wednesday. She asked me if I wanted to meet for lunch around noon at Favela Cubana.

On my way there, I passed another cafe, and I saw Ben's motorcycle parked out front. It crossed my mind that he might be here. I turned around and saw the back of a familiar head of black hair. It was Ben inside the coffee shop, picking out a copy of a newspaper.

And then, I saw her; a woman with a black bob, a blue and pink knitted scarf over a sweater and a pair of skinny jeans. She hugged Ben, and had a grin on her face. She handed him a cup of coffee and I felt sick. She said something to him, and he grinned back and started talking her.

That said everything.

He was dating other women. While I lived with him, what he did was his own business. I felt like crying. I had waited so long for him and he was gone. Was he even talking about me to Hamich at the wedding? I felt so stupid. I had waited over a year for him. He never promised me anything.

At Favela Cubana, I got a table and a martini (I needed it), while waiting for Nina. I opened my computer and picked up some WiFi in the nieghborhood. I opened my email and checked my text messages between Ben and myself. How had I been so stupid? Meredith had fucking emailed me again! Goddamnit! I thought, blocking her finally.

He never indicated that he was dating other women. He never said anything to me about vacating the apartment so he could bring someone home. Logic said he was bringing other women home when I was at my parent's baby-sitting, but then again, he usually came with me.

"Alexis?"

Nina was standing in front of me. I hadn't even noticed her coming into the restaurant.

"Alexis, what happened?" she cried, sitting down.

After being rejected by Ben for the last time ever, I dove into a long end-of-the-summer weekend at the Hamptons at the beach with my family- away from Ben. The announcement of the people that were set to appear and speak at the Alexis Foundation was announced on the website, and we wanted to avoid the papparazzi anyway. I just wanted to avoid Ben.

The first day was all fun and games until Noel was jumping into the pool, doing a flip, and hit his arm on the side. Noel broke the surface of the water, unable to scream, but was in so much pain he couldn't react. He had also swallowed a lungfull of poolwater. When he did start crying, it was unnerving; I hadn't heard him cry in a few years. Mom leapt into the water, didn't even bother with taking off her cover-up to get to him. Dad had been playing with Jo-jo and Jace in the shallow end with me, but he swam over to get to him.

Mom and Dad rushed him to the ER in South Hampton only to find out he had broken his arm. I was stuck at home with Jo-jo and Jace, trying to keep them calm until I got the call. The weekend had a damper on it, now, but we were relieved when he came home from the ER with a blue cast on his arm. We got out the Sharpies and started signing it, making sure there were drawings on there. Mom and Dad looked exhausted when they finally got Noel to bed. I made us all drinks to calm down.

As I was finishing my martini, Dad pulled me aside.

"I thought you might want to see this," he said, handing me his iPhone.

I scanned through it, and saw that it was an email from Meredith.

"Dad, what the hell is this?" I asked. "I don't want anything to do with her-"

"She wanted to email you, but you've blocked her."

"You're talking to her?" I asked.

He nodded. "She's changed, honey."

"Not enough," I muttered.

"Just read it. She sent it to me while we were in the ER."

Richard, can you pass this on to Alexis?

Dear Alexis,

I'm writing you this letter as I have tried to write it several times. I know you blocked me because of what I did five years ago, and it's been really difficult for me to come to terms with it.

My older brother, your Uncle Joe, had a 5150 psychiatric hold imposed on me two years ago when I broke up finally with Andy and I had no career left to speak of. I was broke and trying to medicate myself with amphetamines and alcohol, and I got downright psychotic. I was held for two weeks before the doctors stabilized me. During this time, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It seemed that the courts were going to stick me in a mental hospital for the rest of my life before a very kind man came to my hearing to take responsibility for me. I was given a year-long scholarship for treatment to his drug addiction center in Malibu. This news never made the tabloids, I guess I have to admit it; my career is officially over and done with. I've detoxed and started a road to sobriety and treatment for my bipolar disorder. It's been very humbling.

I'm writing this email to you as an apology for how I acted when you were growing up. I really did wrong by you especially. Your father is on the list of people I did wrong by, but you most of all. It hurts to know that you think of another woman as your mother; but she's earned the title. I'm sorry for what I did to you and that I messed up your childhood. I take full responsibility for your eating disorder and I will never forgive myself. Looking back on my life, I saw the warning signs of my illness that I ignored. And I'm sorry it affected you so much and I didn't act to stop it.

I pre-ordered your book when I saw on your blog that you were getting published. I loved it. You're just like the best parts of your father; intelligent, kind, funny, compassionate, and have a way with words. Your father tells me you're speaking at the Alexis Foundation. I'm so proud of you, even if you still hate me. It's so good to know that you've overcome what I did to you. Once I came out of my psychosis, all I could think about was you, and it killed me that I had driven you away. I've gotten to the point where I can manage the pain and not think of you all the time; when I do, I feel paralyzed. I'll probably roast in hell for abandoning you and being so selfish, I can accept that.

I'd like to see you, if you're ready. I feel like I need to apologize to your face and see if we can have some form of a relationship. Even if you hate and despise me, I still love you and want you to know that I'm so sorry.

Your mother, Meredith

I threw his phone down on the couch. She made me want to puke.

"Alexis Harper Castle! My phone!" Dad cried, grouchily, pointing at me.

I wiped the tears from my eyes. "Dad, why did you have to show me this?" I asked, bursting into tears. "Why are you even talking to her?"

"Because she's your mother, Alexis!" Dad shouted. He lowered his voice. "I know she never acted like it. But she loves you. She always has, even when she's messed up."

"I'm not going to talk to her. Ever! I'm going to bed!"

"Alexis," Mom said from the staircase. She walked into the living room. "Alexis, I know this email came at a really stressful moment, but... give her another chance."

"She doesn't deserve it."

"My Dad said and did some really shitty things to me after my mom died," she said. "Everybody deserves a second chance."

"I seriously doubt Grandpa Jim did anything as terrible as Meredith."

She sighed. "When I was twenty, he smacked me across the face and punched me in the stomach one summer in a drunken rage and called me a little whore and a slut because it came out that I wasn't a virgin anymore. I mean, he was sloshed and looking for a fight, I was the closest target. I remember him saying my mother hated me. After I punched him in the face and told him to go fuck himself, I walked out the door and finished college with the intentions of never talking to him again. We didn't talk for another four years. Then, when he tracked me down and told me he had sobered up and was sorry for that moment. He didn't even remember it, and when I told him what he said, he was horrified that he called me those names and said that about my mom. He chose to drink instead of go to a grief counselor when Mom died. Your mother didn't choose bipolar disorder. When she saw all the warning signs and turned away from treatment, that's worth getting upset over, but there came a point when she thought it was normal and that she wasn't doing anything wrong. Give her the benefit of the doubt."

"You're on Meredith's side, too?"

"I told that woman to never come back to New York again when she ditched you at that Christmas Party, mostly because she tried to slap me, but I blocked her. But she apologized to me in a letter. And I believe she's being humble about it; if she wasn't, she'd have never written something asking me to forgive her, even if I didn't like her," she wiped her eyes and opened the dishwasher, starting on putting away the dishes.

"Need some help?" Dad asked.

"No. Go to bed, I'll meet you there," she said. I got up to go upstairs behind Dad. "Alexis, I'm not done."

"Fine," I muttered, sitting back down.

"You're still angry with her. She hurt you a lot. But she can see it now, and she wants to apologize. Let her. And let it go. I saw a quote once that said, 'Staying angry at someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.' I can't remember who said it, and it's overused now, but it's the truth. I'm not asking you to let her in and control how you feel about yourself. Boundaries are important in a parent-adult child relationship, but it's only going to drive you back into your old habits of self-harm if you stay mad at her, even when she's trying to make things right."

"Did you read that email?" I asked, incredulously.

"Yes, of course! And I've been in contact with her. It really tears her up inside that you don't want anything to do with her. All the time I was mad at my father and not speaking to him, I couldn't think of him without getting enraged. I was not at peace. Maybe she's not been a mother to you, but give her some peace. You know how hard it is to ask for help when you've hit rock-bottom. Trust me, Meredith has hit rock bottom and she's building herself back up, but it's really hard when she knows you're angry at her. Think of how hard it was to apologize to Diana for hitting her. And multiply that by about a thousand. And you'll know how Meredith feels."

Jo-jo came into my room and spent the night that night. She sucked her thumb and slept fitfully while I didn't sleep at all, thinking about Meredith. I opened my email setting to decide if I was going to unblock Meredith or not. I felt a little betrayed that both Mom and Dad were communicating with her. I didn't want anything to do with her.

And Ben... Goddamnit, why did he have to string me along like he had?

And then I realized it; I wasn't the same person I was in college. I had changed so much by now. Ben had fallen in love with me when I was struggling with my first few months of recovery. But he had been a different person. For the first time, I felt so stupid; he had changed, too. He and I had made a friendship, but was it that we were both so different now that we had grown apart?

It made sense; I was holding onto something that wasn't going to happen.

I went to the bathroom and cried into a wad of tissues. I had to stop wishing for him. It was never going to happen.