Woo! Look how fast I got this chapter up, guys! I'm sorry, I just had Starbucks (caffeine, yay!), and I am rather impressed with myself for writing this so quickly. Did the amazing speed catch you by surprise? Because... it did for me. :) I mean, I've updated faster before, but not recently. And guess what else? You don't have to listen to (well, read...) my whining, because I actually like this chapter!
Just so you know, all of your reviews of the last chapter were amazing, and yeah, I do think they contributed to how fast I managed to write this one. Whether I replied to your individual review or not, thank you SO MUCH. Honestly, I was starting to get a little fed up with this story (although dammit, no matter how fed up I get, I WILL finish it), and it really really helps to know that people are still interested and enjoying reading it. I know a lot of people say this, but believe me when I say it makes writing so much more fun and rewarding... which makes me want to do it more. So, long story short... thank you! I have some more acknowledgements and ramblings, but as usual I'll save them for the end so I don't spoil anything. Enjoy!
"I need you, finally I confess,"
After Castle left her apartment, she felt none of the things she'd expected to feel. She wasn't embarrassed about anything she'd told him. She wasn't angry about anything he'd said to her. She wasn't sorry she'd answered her phone when he called, and she wasn't sorry she'd asked him to come. She was still confused by the whole situation with her dad, but she felt a little better about it. Her apartment was once again empty, but she no longer felt alone.
The truth was that Castle had been able to provide a perspective that no one else could have. He was exactly the person she'd needed to talk to. Whether she liked it or not, and sometimes she wasn't sure, he was her friend. Whatever happened, whatever mistakes he'd made in the past, whatever mistakes he'd make in the future, she couldn't just cut him out of her life. He cared about her and she cared about him, and that couldn't just be ignored. No matter how much distance she tried to put between them, something would always happen to bring them back together. Maybe he'd drive past her trying to walk home in a downpour. Maybe something would happen to Alexis and he wouldn't be able to deal with it alone. Castle might say it was the forces of the universe working together to tell them something. She doubted she'd ever subscribe to that theory, but she could accept that for better or for worse, they were in each other's lives.
She sat back down on the couch, grateful that she could finally relax, grateful for the relative peace both around her and inside of her. But the silence of her solitude was soon broken by a growl from her stomach, reminding her that she hadn't eaten yet today. It was kind of an awkward time of day for a meal now, somewhere between lunch and dinner, but she decided she didn't care and called one of her favorite delivery places.
Even more at peace now than she'd been before, with the knowledge that food was on the way, she allowed the silence of her empty apartment to close in around her. Finally, she was completely alone with her thoughts. At least until her food arrived. And after the delivery person left, she'd be alone with her thoughts and delicious Chinese food.
When she'd told Castle she needed to think things over, she'd thought she'd been referring to her dad and his new girlfriend. And truly, saying that was no longer on her mind would've been a lie. She still wasn't sure how she felt about her father dating again, and she still hadn't decided whether she should take Castle's advice and talk to him about it or simply mind her own business. But right now she wasn't going to come to any conclusions. She'd gotten everything she could from Castle. Advice. Perspective. Now what she needed was objectivity. Distance. And the only thing that could give her that was time.
In fact, now that Castle had gone, she was having a hard time keeping her thoughts from focusing on him. She couldn't stop thinking about everything he'd said, and how quickly he'd come over when she'd asked. How genuinely concerned he'd been. How he'd listened to everything she had to say before starting in on his own agenda. How even his agenda had a kind of sweetness to it. All he really wanted was for her to forgive him, really, truly, and fully. And, honestly, she was getting there.
She still had a clear memory of the first time she'd heard of Richard Castle. It was a random memory, one that she didn't understand why she'd held on to for so long. Before she'd known Castle personally it hadn't seemed that significant, but still she remembered.
It was just a few days after her mother's death, and she was still completely numb. In search of solace, something to distract her from the black hole of depression that was her family's apartment and the cloud of uncertainty that seemed to follow wherever she went, she wandered into a bookstore.
It was her mother who had taught her to love reading. She'd always told her that anything she wanted to know, she could learn from books. She'd said that reading could take her places she'd never otherwise get to go, and she had a very clear idea of where she wanted to go now. Anywhere but here.
Without thinking, she headed for the classic literature section, her mom's favorite. She half-expected to turn the corner and find her mother standing there in front of the Jane Austens with a new recommendation for her. But, of course, she wasn't.
Kate ran her fingers across several spines and decided without really even looking that everything in this section she'd either already read or wasn't interested in. The romances and affairs of people who'd never really been alive so many years before she was born seemed very shallow now, inconsequential. Why should she care?
But her mother had liked these books, and she always had too. She wasn't giving up yet. There had to be something here that Johanna had read that Kate hadn't, something she could read now to make her feel close to her mother again. To erase the distance between them, to help her escape the awful reality of her death.
She happened to glance off in a different direction for a moment, and the cover art of a book displayed in another section caught her eye. In direct opposition to the neutral colors and elegant designs of the books she was looking at, the cover was a dark, vibrant red, the title, which she could no longer remember, printed in bold white letters. Even from across the room, the printed image of the silver blade glinting in the light from some unseen source made her heart catch in her throat and brought tears to her eyes. "Stabbed," she could still hear the detective telling her and her father. "Gang violence."
But rather than repelling her, the cover seemed to draw her in. With very little awareness of what she was doing or why, she went to the book and began reading the blurb. She remembered it involved serial killers and the mafia, and she quickly put it down. Ridiculous. It didn't feel real.
Still, she didn't leave the section. "Sometimes you have to look a little harder to find the gems," she could remember her mother explaining. "The best books aren't usually the ones they display." Although this wasn't exactly what her mom had been talking about, now seemed as good a time as any to take her advice.
What eventually caught her eye again was a title, so bizarre that she actually laughed. Actually laughed for the first time since she'd learned her mother wasn't coming home. A Skull at Springtime by Richard Castle. What was that? She picked up the book and found that the cover was dominated by a color even more vibrant than the red on the book that had initially drawn her to the section: a cold, almost sickly green. This time she skipped the blurb and simply opened the book and read the first paragraph. There was something about the writing that captivated her. She couldn't quite place it. All she knew was that she wanted to read more. She slid down to the floor, leaning against the bookshelves.
The next thing she knew, an irritated-looking store manager was standing above her, clearing his throat. She had no idea how much time had passed, but she was almost halfway through the book. "You want to read that, you buy it," the manager told her. "This isn't a library."
"Right," she said, standing up awkwardly. "Sorry. I'll buy it."
"Fabulous," the manager said with a roll of his eyes. "Cash register's that way."
She remembered thinking about how odd it was that she was buying the book she'd picked up purely because of the absurdity of its title, but buy it she did. And after that she bought others, any title she could find by Richard Castle, her new favorite author. Sure, some of the stories were absurd, but there was also a realism to them unlike anything else she'd ever read. They were well thought-out, well researched. Every character, hero and villain alike, felt real. Their thoughts, their motivations… everything made sense.
Suddenly, she realized why this memory had stuck in her mind for so many years. Although indirectly, it had forever altered the course of her life. It was one of Castle's books that first planted a thought in her mind: if the detectives on the case couldn't catch her mother's killer, maybe she could. Maybe she should become a cop.
At that time there'd been a void, a space in her life she'd thought nothing could fill. Not the void her mother had left. That one was different. That one never would be filled, and she didn't want it to be. There'd been another void, an open question. What now? Through his books, Richard Castle had filled this void. First he'd given her distraction, exactly what she'd been looking for, and then he'd given her something she hadn't been looking for: hope. Direction.
She hadn't realized it until she'd tried to cut him out, but now that she knew Castle as more than an author, there was again a space in her life that only he could fill. When he hadn't been there she'd felt his absence, and now that she was allowing him back she felt better. Right. Whole. "Back to normal," she'd told him, but "back to normal" was an understatement. In fact, it wasn't at all true. With Castle around, things were less normal. Less normal, but more interesting. Life felt a little less monotonous, a little more colorful. Like the cover art in the mystery section that had caught her eye that day. She'd missed having color in her life.
She knew she'd never tell him this, but she needed Richard Castle. She had for some time now, even before they met. Now though, she needed him not for his writing, but for his friendship. His insights. His advice. His ability to fill the void that no one else could.
What she really wanted, though, was to know that he felt something similar. That he needed her friendship. That there was some space in his life that only she could fill. It sometimes seemed to her that his molds were one size fits all. When a woman left, he simply plugged another into the same slot. But then, maybe it was possible that he deserved a little more credit than she was accustomed to giving him. She didn't get the impression that he'd seen anyone else since Caroline. He'd even been willing to fire Kim, innocent as that relationship was, because he'd thought it was what she wanted.
But really, why should she care? She knew she shouldn't. It was selfish, and, frankly, stupid, of her not to want him to have relationships with women when she clearly wasn't looking for anything romantic from him. And yet…
She smiled when she heard the doorbell, cutting off her thoughts. Her food was here. She was starving.
This was another line I really wanted to do justice to with my chapter. "I need you finally, I confess." I mean, really? Kind of important. But... I'm satisfied. It's funny, because writing dialogue always used to be my favorite, and the last chapter, which I kind of had issues with, was almost all dialogue. This whole chapter basically takes place in Kate's head. Internal monologue all the way. But for some reason I just like it better. I'm not even going to bother trying to figure out why. I will say that the flashback wasn't completely intentional. It just kind of... happened. I was writing while sitting on Tumblr for a little while last night (oh, and random shameless plug... if you have a Tumblr and want to follow me, I'm isayitslove13) and the one thing I ended up posting just completely sums it up: "Daylight took a hard left turn on me... again. Apparently now we're doing flashbacks. Whatever, story. Do what you want. I'll just quietly sit here and let you write yourself." Which is basically what happened. :) But I do like the flashback, and I think it does what I wanted pretty well.
A couple acknowledgements, mostly concerning the flashback scene. I actually did a little bit of "research" for this chapter (if you could call it that...), and I want to credit for the list of Castle's earlier books and the cover art, which was actually very useful. The other one is more a shout-out than an acknowledgement. I realized after I'd written it that the scene where the manager yells at Beckett for reading instead of buying the book bears a certain resemblance to a story that a friend who I know for a fact will read this sooner or later told me about reading magazines in a gas station. :) *waves* I have no idea if that's where I got the idea for that scene or not (since like I said, I didn't remember it until after the scene was written...) but in case it was, thanks! :P
One last thing. In case you needed a gentle reminder, *pokes* I love reviews! Remember that. Just saying.