Chapter 19 - Close Your Eyes, It's Almost Here
December 31, 1874
Scarlett squeezed her eyes shut wishing desperately that she could pull the covers over her head and go back to sleep. She didn't want to face this day. She didn't want to face tomorrow or the next one either but she couldn't hide in her bed forever. She had to get up and face the world, but more importantly she had to get up and face these last days with Rhett and the life she would be leading without him. She buried her face in the pillow.
"How am I going to get through this?" she asked herself. The tension had faded from their argument but Scarlett wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. Maybe if there was tension it wouldn't be so hard to walk away and yet as the idea passed into her mind she dismissed it. It was going to be hard no matter what feelings were involved. She was going to be permanently disgraced once news of the divorce spread. She wasn't particularly worried about what other people would think of her, they already thought lowly of her and divorce wouldn't be a far fall from their already low opinion of her character. It was what she thought of herself that bothered her. She didn't like the idea of being a divorced woman; she couldn't even stand the taste of the words on her tongue.
Divorce would be proof of what a failure she had turned out to be. She had failed at being a wife not just to Rhett but to Charles and Frank too. It was a sobering thought and one that brought realization that she hadn't made many people happy in her life. Her mother would be so ashamed to have her daughter bring the disgrace of divorce upon her family. Ellen O'Hara had definitely gone wrong somewhere for her eldest child to turn out so badly, Scarlett thought, or maybe she had been bad from birth. She didn't know and she wasn't sure she cared. The things she had done were cemented in the past and she couldn't change them now. She couldn't ask Rhett to stay, she couldn't tell him she loved him and she sure as hell couldn't back out of the deal now.
She threw back the covers and forced herself out of bed. "Being cowardly is Rhett's job not mine," she bereted herself as she rang for Pansy to dress her.
She'd get through this somehow. The only problem was how she was going to handle being alone with him all evening. The children always occupied their time after dinner sparring Scarlett from having to spend too much time on her own with Rhett but when an invitation from Helen came for Ella asking her to a small party and then to spend the night she hadn't the heart to tell her no. Figuring she'd still have Wade to keep things grounded. How wrong she'd been. Scarlett had just finished a quick reply of acceptance for Ella when a second invitation arrived for Wade from his new friend James McKenzie who was also having friends over for the evening. Nothing in the world was going to make her keep Wade from that gathering and so she had written another reply and both her children were happy and excited. Their mother on the other hand wasn't excited for the New Year and happiness was an emotion she didn't often experience. Why did she always end up in messes like this she wondered as Pansy pulled her stays tightly and then pulled the dark blue gown she had chosen over her head. She shouldn't have asked him to come home. She shouldn't have offered her signature; she should've just left things as they were.
But then she thought of how happy Wade and Ella had been since he arrived, how he had been helping her with Wade and his rebellion. She wouldn't have known what to do if Rhett hadn't been there to step in. She thought of their late night talks, all the things she finally got to say to him, their laughter, how good it felt to be with him. She thought of the way he had teased her, kissed her and made love to her and with all those things combined she figured that no matter how badly she'd hurt come the second of January it would be worth it.
No one could ever take his place. No one could ever fill her heart or her mind like Rhett. When the children were grown she'd be all alone in the house he built her surrounded by the ghosts of the past. She'd never know peace without Rhett but maybe that was her punishment for the way she had lived her life. She didn't feel she deserved that harsh of a sentence but life wasn't fair was it?
"Maybe I should just avoid him," she thought but she knew she couldn't. Rhett wouldn't allow that. Rubbing the back of her neck she left her room. She'd think of someway to endure these last days.
Rhett stopped her outside the dining room. "I wanted to talk to you before breakfast, Scarlett."
"What about?" she asked.
"I figured since the children had plans for the night we may as well make some of our own."
"What did you have in mind?" she questioned.
"I thought that we could all go out for an early dinner before taking Wade and Ella to their destinations for the evening and then you and I could come back here and get ready for the party the hotel is having."
"I didn't know the hotel was having another party so soon," she answered as she thought over the idea.
"I didn't either until I came by there yesterday and saw the sign. The Christmas ball was such a success they decided to cash in on New Years," he replied.
"I'd cash in on it, too."
Rhett laughed, "I don't doubt that, my dear; but that's a whole other story. Are you in agreement of my plans?"
"Yes they sound fine, Rhett," she answered. A party would be just thing she needed she figured. It would keep them out of the house and there would be too much going on for her mind to dwell on unhappy thoughts.
"I didn't think you'd turn down a night of dancing," he replied.
"You're always just so sure of yourself aren't you?" she asked.
"Always," he smirked
"You might get surprised on these days, Rhett."
"By whom?" he asked
She shrugged and gave him her best southern belle smile, "Maybe me or maybe your next wife, only time will tell."
"There aren't going to be any other wives, Scarlett," he answered losing some of the humor in his voice.
She laughed trying to make light of the situation, "Come now, Rhett, surely some sweet young girl that's completely different from me will come along and sweep you off your feet."
"If I wanted someone different from you, I would've married long before I met you," he answered.
"But I'm obviously not what you wanted or needed so perhaps you wanted something else all along," she replied; wondering how she had let this conversation come about and why she was prolonging it. It must've been because of the way she had been thinking while she was upstairs. She had to stop thinking so much. It seemed to get her in as much trouble as not thinking did.
"Don't do this now, Scarlett," he stated darkly.
"When do you want me to do it?" she asked as she screamed at herself in her mind to stop.
"Never."
"What's the fun in that?" she asked. "Didn't you once tell me that marriage was supposed to be fun, Rhett?"
"I once told you too many damn things, Scarlett. I didn't count on you having such an extensive memory."
She smirked, "You always underestimated me didn't you?"
"I know you like a book, my pet."
"I don't think you know me as well as you think you do," she answered as she once again asked herself what the hell she was doing.
He studied her eyes trying to figure out what she was doing. Her face always held the answers and he could tell that she was just as surprised by the things she was saying as he was and he decided to let it pass without taking it personally.
"Are you done?" he asked not bothering to respond to her statement.
"God I hope so," she answered with such honesty that it made him laugh.
"Get up on the wrong side of the bed?" he questioned teasingly.
"I don't know what got into me, Rhett, maybe I should've stayed in bed like I wanted to."
"Why would you want to do that?" he asked as a mischievous glint came to his eyes "I could understand it if it were because I was lying next to you but since I wasn't you really have no excuse."
Her jaw dropped and she smacked his arm, "You really are a cad, Rhett Butler."
"Whenever the occasion calls for it, my dear."
She felt a smile spreading across her face. She would miss this.
Seeing her eyes take on the melancholy look they had held the other night he took her arm and pushed open the door to the dining room.
"Let's have breakfast, Scarlett; you can't afford to keep skipping meals."
"Just what are you saying?" she asked slightly offended as she took her place at the table.
"I'm saying you're getting a little too thin."
"I most certainly am not!" she cried.
"Fine let's get a second opinion. Ella how do you think your Mother looks?"
"Mama's beautiful," she answered receiving a smile from her mother.
"Thank you darling, you're beautiful too."
"I should've known better. You women always stick together," Rhett answered.
"You're just mad because you got outvoted," she replied.
"Not so fast my dear, we still have one person left to ask. Wade, what's your take on the situation?"
Wade looked at Rhett and then to Scarlett for a long moment. Scarlett wasn't sure if she wanted to hear his answer. Finally he turned his gaze back to Rhett.
"Mother has always been pretty," he answered.
Scarlett beamed, "Three to one, Rhett, you lose."
"But I never said you weren't beautiful, Scarlett. I said you were getting too thin."
"If I was they wouldn't think I was pretty," she answered.
"Alright I'll let you go on thinking your right."
"I don't think it I know it," she replied.
"You always have fancied yourself as a know it all," he answered watching her take a bite of eggs.
"No, honey, that's always been your area of expertise," she shot back good naturedly.
His breath caught momentarily at the term of endearment she had used. She wasn't one to use words like that often but when she did it was like a soft spring breeze washing over him.
He smiled at her but didn't reply. He turned his attention to his own breakfast that now tasted like sawdust in his mouth. He thought he had convinced himself that he could get through this with as little emotion as possible. 'Wrong again,' he thought as he observed Scarlett chatting with her children. The look of strain had returned to her face once more and she was picking at her food again. This wasn't going to be easy he surmised, but then again nothing between him and Scarlett had ever been easy so why should it be any different now.
Scarlett sat in her office at Kennedy's Emporium trying desperately to keep her mind focused on the numbers she was working in the books. Her mind was too weighted down and her heart's wounds were bothering her too much to ignore. She rubbed a hand across her forehead in aggravation and called for Wade. Sitting him behind her desk she gave him the task of looking over her work once again. She paced the room and watched quietly as he erased her errors and re-worked her columns. She couldn't deny that she was proud to have a son smart enough to correct her mistakes and knowing that doing it brought him happiness and seemed to humanize her in his eyes gave her a sense of contentment where there relationship was concerned. She was still praying that he'd chose to stay with her but if he didn't she'd let him go like she promised. She wouldn't like it but she wouldn't stand in his way.
Scarlett felt that no matter what happened with Wade she'd be able to continue working on their bond and perhaps draw him back to her eventually. Rhett on the other hand was a lost cause. She'd never be able to draw him back after this visit. She'd never have another chance to make things work, to make him understand and love her again. She let out a remorseful breath and thought of what she could do that would make her feel better. The answer to that question wasn't forthcoming and at the end of the day she was still undecided about what route to take.
Once the store was closed she called Wade into her office. He stood before her waiting patiently.
"This was your last day of work, you did a good job and I'm proud of you," she told him sincerely.
He returned her smile, "Thank you mother."
Reaching into the desk drawer she withdrew an envelope and handed it to him.
"What is it?" he asked
"Your pay," she answered.
"You're supposed to give that to Uncle Rhett."
"I know but I was thinking that maybe you should give it to him. Most men I know don't want their mother's taking care of their debts and I think it would show Rhett what you've learned if you were to give him the money yourself. Would you like to do that?"
He nodded, "Yes, I want to give it him myself."
"He should be here any minute to take us to dinner," she replied.
"I'm here now," his voice sounded from the door of the office, "Ella's waiting in the carriage."
Once they were seated in the carriage and on their way to the restaurant Wade handed Rhett the envelope.
"What's this?" he asked
"The money I owed you for the window, Uncle Rhett."
"Oh yes I had forgotten that today was your last day on the job. How did he do, Scarlett?"
"He did very well. He's a smart boy and a hard worker, Rhett," she answered.
"Thank you for paying off your debt, Wade. You've now proven that you're on the road to becoming a good man."
"Thank you, Uncle Rhett," he replied.
"Don't rush the trip, Wade. You'll have plenty of time to be a man, be a boy for awhile," Rhett advised.
Wade didn't respond to the comment turning his attention to the window. Scarlett glanced at Rhett and raised an eyebrow. He wasn't supposed to be making comments that her son might see as a challenge. He didn't seem to share her concern however as he winked at her and took up a conversation with Ella.
Their dinner passed peacefully and at times was lively with Rhett telling the children stories and making them all laugh which brought the eyes of everyone in the room to their table more than once.
"Go on and look," Scarlett thought. "Look real well because it will most likely be the last time you see this sight."
Rhett nudged her foot under the table and when she looked up at him he discreetly gestured toward her plate where she was pushing her dinner around with her fork. She shrugged and he gave her a stern look. Sighing she picked up a forkful of veal and took a bite. He smiled and nodded in approval. She had hoped that it would take his attention off her eating habits but she knew he was keeping one eye on her the entire time he conversed with the children. With his gaze trained on her she forced herself to eat everything on her plate. Seeing her clean plate he leaned over and kissed her cheek.
She cast her gaze back to the patrons of the restaurant and wondered if they had caught the display of affection. A part of her hoped they hadn't. Once he was gone they'd all sit and talk about how loving he acted towards her and they'd make her out to be the villain. They'd say she had acted cold towards him, that she had no heart. On the matter of her heart they'd probably be right, she doubted there would be anything left of it once this was all and said and done.
After dropping off the children, Rhett and Scarlett returned home to get ready for their evening out. Scarlett stood in her wrapper staring into her closet. What did one wear on their last public outing with their soon-to-be ex-husband?
"Aren't you ready yet my pet?" he asked from the doorway.
"I don't know what to wear," she complained.
He came to her side and studied the contents of the closet. Reaching into the rack he pulled out a wine colored silk gown with elegant draping and handed it to her.
"Wear this one," he told her.
"I try to avoid wearing red in public, Rhett," she murmured
"Why?" Rhett asked
"I don't care for the comments people make when I wear that color," she responded a look of hurt in her eyes that made his chest ache.
"You wear this gown tonight, Scarlett; and if anyone dares to open their mouth and make a snide remark, I promise you, my dear, it will be the last one they ever make."
"I don't want any trouble," she replied. "If you haven't noticed I've been trying to keep a low profile."
"I've noticed and I commend you for it but you've never let society dictate your life before and you're not going to tonight. I want you to wear that gown and you're going to wear it."
"Alright," she agreed feeling slightly at ease knowing Rhett would be at her side to silence any comments. "Ring for Pansy and I'll be down shortly," she told him.
"I'll help you dress, Scarlett," he replied.
She smirked, "There have been times in the past when you've made me that offer and we ended up not going out at all."
Rhett laughed, "Trust me my dear you had a better time with me than you would've had outside the house on those occasions."
"You're probably right," she answered a slight blush spreading across her cheeks.
She allowed him to dress her and he sat near her as she styled her hair into an elegant updo. Reaching into her jewelry box she took out a pair of ruby earbobs and placed them in her ears and then hooked the matching chocker around her neck.
"Where's your engagement ring?" Rhett asked finally giving into his curiosity.
"Its right here," she answered reaching into the jewelry box and removing a green velvet ring box.
"Why isn't it on your finger?' he asked trying to keep his tone casual.
She shrugged, "There came a dark moment during this past year when I couldn't stand the sight of it so I took it off and put it away," she admitted.
"What dark moment was that, my pet."
"The day I found out you no longer wanted to be married to me."
"Why didn't you take off your wedding ring?"
"I did," she answered.
He raised an eyebrow in surprise, "But you're wearing it now."
"Yes, I know. I didn't leave it off for long, not even a whole day. I felt so strange without it that I had to put it back on."
"But you haven't been able to stomach the sight of that very expensive gem you requested that I bought you."
"Oh I've looked at it, I just haven't worn it," she answered as she opened the lid and stared down into the large diamond and the emeralds surrounding it. The look on his face bothered her and she pulled the ring from its velvet cushion and placed it on her finger.
"You don't have to wear it, Scarlett," he told her.
She looked into his eyes before replying, "I want to wear it."
He gave her a curt nod, "Now your hand looks right."
She laughed lightly, "Feels right too," she answered as her ring glittered in the light.
Once seated at their table in the ballroom they watched the couples filling the room.
"Gods nightgown," Scarlett cried. "Look at Maybelle, that dress is even worse than the one she wore last time."
Rhett laughed, "I have to agree with you on that one my dear, whatever gave her the idea that bronze was a color she could wear well is beyond me."
"I just keep wondering who is making these hideous things," she replied. "Whoever it is should be taken out and shot."
"Shooting would be a fitting punishment for the person inflicting that sort of ugliness on the world," Rhett replied and then leaning back towards her ear whispered, "Take a look at Mrs. Meriwether in that dark green gown; she looks like a frog that hasn't caught nearly enough flies."
His comment sent Scarlett into a fit of laughter, "Rhett!" she exclaimed once she caught her breath.
"You know it's true," he answered. "Just look at how her eyes bug out when she scans the room looking for scandalous and indecent conduct that she can preach against. If we were in France the restaurants would be trying to trap her for their menus."
Scarlett was laughing so hard that she had to put her head down on the table. Rhett's laughter mingled with hers as he watched her shoulders shake. He loved the sound of her laughter and he made it his goal to make her laugh all evening.
"Raise your head my pet, Mrs. Meade has arrived and that dark purple gown makes her look like an overripe grape.".
"You're going to get us into trouble, Rhett," Scarlett told him as she leaned on his shoulder trying to muffle her giggles.
"But darling being trouble is what we are good at remember? You're Irish and I'm a cad, we've been marked as trouble from birth."
"Don't forget that we have the last name of Butler," she added her eyes shining with amusement.
"Ah yes, the name Butler. The name that strikes fear into the hearts of polite society everywhere whenever it's mentioned. It's a wonder they even lets us in the door."
"I'm sure they wouldn't let us in if they could get away with it."
"That's probably true, my dear," he stated as he rose from his chair. "Come darling, let us move to the center of the dance floor and display your ravishing beauty and my wicked handsomeness to the crowds."
She smiled at him as he took her hand, "We are a handsome couple aren't we," she stated.
"Yes we are, and best of all were not conceited about it," he answered with mock seriousness.
Scarlett laughed, "I don't think I could say that with a straight face."
"You probably couldn't you're not as good an actor as I am but that's beside the point," he told her wrapping his hands around her waist.
"Mrs. Meade has her eagle eyes trained on us my dear, be a vixen and give me a kiss so the old girl will swoon into her glass of diluted champagne."
He had expected a brief peck on the lips and was pleasantly surprised when Scarlett gave him a lingering kiss.
Pulling away from him she grinned, "Did that do the trick?" she asked.
Casting a concealed look at the old woman he grinned, "I'd say so," he answered; "She looks positively scandalized and not to give you an inflated ego, my darling; but I may swoon myself from your ardent advances," he teased.
She swatted his chest playfully, "How you do go on, Rhett Butler, are we going to dance or not?"
"Have I ever deprived you of a dance Miss O'Hara?" he asked as he led her onto the floor.
"No I don't think you have," she answered. "And I don't intend on letting you start now."
They danced and laughed merrily for hours. The evening was turning out to be a success Rhett had thought until someone announced that only an hour remained until the New Year. Suddenly Scarlett's playfulness had diminished and her sparkling eyes became clouded. He did his best to bring her out of the dark haze that seemed to be consuming her. She snapped into a role of pretending, fakeness radiating in her smile. Something was wrong but he didn't know what. They had been having a perfectly good evening and now it was falling apart.
"Do you want to dance some more Scarlett," he asked drawing her attention back to him.
"Not right now," she answered. "I just want to watch for awhile."
"Whats wrong?" he asked quietly
Her fake smile slid into place, "Nothing, Rhett."
He knew better but didn't say anything hoping to avoid an argument. They sat in silence watching the party go on around them. He noticed her eyeing the champagne glass that she had been ignoring. Finally she reached for it and was about to bring it to her lips.
"Scarlett," Rhett stated causing her to pause
"What?"
"Do you really want to do that?" he asked gesturing to her glass.
She looked at it and then back to Rhett.
"Yes," she answered.
"You've went this long without it, my dear, why start again now."
"I'm not starting again, Rhett, it's just one drink and besides its New Years Eve," she reasoned.
"Don't, Scarlett," he replied touching the hand that held the glass.
"Don't tell me what to do, Rhett," she stated sharply before raising the glass and taking a long sip. Swallowing the liquid she grimaced.
"It's not as good as I remembered," she told him.
"That's probably because you were always partial to brandy, my pet, do you want me to order you one?" he asked mockingly.
"No."
"Why not?"
"I don't want to start this again," she answered realizing what she had been about to do.
"I'm glad to hear that," he answered losing the edge in his voice.
She nodded as a voice announced, "The last dance of 1874."
"Shall we?" Rhett asked offering his hand.
"We may as well," she answered letting him lead her to the floor.
As they waltzed she felt her heart crumbling and her mind finally came up with a way to make it through, she just hoped she could make it work. As the crowd counted down the last seconds of the year they stood facing each other, both dreading the arrival of 1875. At the stroke of midnight Rhett kissed her lovingly as though no one else was in the room. After sharing the first dance of the year she looked up at him a mixture of emotions on her face.
"Take me home, Rhett," she whispered.
"Are you sure?" he asked
"Yes, I want to go home."
As they settled into the carriage she took a deep breath and prepared herself for the rest of her night.
"I haven't got anything left to lose," she thought to herself as she convinced herself to go through with what she had in mind.