I couldn't sleep so I decided that now would be the perfect time to start writing the next chapter, it is late so I am sorry for any spelling mistakes, typos, and general lack of coherence in sentences... Thank you to the lovely people who reviewed, and the rest who simply read, I appreciate every last one of you. Enjoy.
Chapter 19 Last of days
I woke up with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, the reality of Final Jam finally hitting me full pelt, of course it had to pick an unreasonable hour to do so. I glanced over at the clock at the side of the bed and noticed it was only 5:30am. Caitlyn was still sound asleep in the bunk next to mine so I carefully slid the covers back and tiptoed into the bathroom, there was no way I could get back to sleep now.
As I stared at my reflection in the mirror I felt the familiar fear wash over me, the memories of that night encompassing me, dripping like poison into my mind. I splashed my face with water knowing that thinking of him wouldn't help me, I needed to push his face far out of my mind if I was going to perform tonight. Instead, I thought of Shane, how kind and understanding he had been, how different he was, how safe he made me feel and I smiled.
I knew it was early but I needed to see him so I pulled a hoodie on over my night shirt and crept out of the cabin, Caitlyn didn't even stir and I had never been so grateful that she was a heavy sleeper. Once outside I jogged quickly in the direction of the pop star's cabin and reached my destination in less than 5 minutes. Nervously I tapped on the door and waited for him to answer, I knew that I was treading dangerous ground disturbing his beauty sleep but I needed to see him and the selfish part of my brain won out.
"Who the... Oh hey Mitchie." Shane said as he answered the door, his right arm reaching up to rub is eyes sleepily.
"Shane I'm sorry I woke you, can I come in?" I asked sheepishly feeling a little bad that I had woken him.
"Of course, may I ask what you are doing awake and at my door this early on a morning?" He replied as he ushered me into his cabin, the familiar scent of Shane filling my nostrils.
"I... woke up and I couldn't get back to sleep, Caitlyn was out of it and I didn't have anyone else to go to. I know I shouldn't have woken you up but I couldn't stop myself." I said nervously, only looking up to meet his gaze once.
"It's okay, but you do know I am going to be grumpy for the rest of the day and it will be all your fault, the other judges won't know what's hit them." He said sarcastically earning him an eye roll.
"You can sleep now if you want, I'll just sit here." I replied quietly but he just shook his head in dismissal. There was a few moments of quiet before Shane spoke again.
"Mitchie are you scared, because you don't need to be." He stated simply as he took one of my hands in his and traced circles on it with his thumb.
"I guess I am a little, I don't want to see him. What if I can't handle it Shane, everyone will see me crack." I said sadly, the familiar burning feeling at the back of my throat as I held back tears.
"You can do this Mitchie, I know you can." He replied his voice laced with determination and belief.
I just nodded in response, afraid that if I spoke I would cry again and I was sick of crying. Shane lay back down on the bed as I sat beside him, his hand still holding mine and I watched as his eyelids began to droop.
"Shane I should go, you can still get some sleep before breakfast, there are no classes today because of Final Jam." I said softly.
"Mmm, you don't have to go Mitchie, you can just lay here if you want." He replied sleepily the look in his eyes almost drawing me in but I knew that I couldn't stay, Caitlyn would wake up and have a panic attack, and I wasn't sure how I would react waking up with a man next to me.
"Thanks Shane but I can't. I'm going to go back to Caitlyn but I'll see you tonight." I answered whilst stepping off the bed and making my way to the door of the cabin.
"Yeah, see you later Mitch and please be careful." He said seriously, his eyes pleading with me to stay safe. I just gave him a shy smile and headed back to Caitlyn's cabin where I knew I would sit and work myself up into a mess of nerves.
-XXX-
It was now 5pm and I was going out of my mind with nerves. I hadn't seen Tess yet and so Darren had not been present either, a fact of which I was glad about. I knew that if I saw him before I went on the stage I wouldn't be able to get up and sing, I would most definitely want to run far, far away.
Thoughts were whirling through my mind as Caitlyn pulled straightners though my hair attempting to tame the natural waves that had taken residence. "Ouch." I said as she caught my ear with the edge of the tool and burned it a little.
"Ah sorry but if you would just sit still I would be done, we have to go on in an hour and we need to do a quick run through of the song and Shane will be here in 10 minutes to see you." She rambled in her usual quick way and I just smirked and made a conscious effort to stay still using thoughts of Shane to quell any bad images and worrying thoughts.
5 minutes later my hair was finished, perfectly poker straight, and Shane was knocking on the cabin door.
"You are early." I said playfully as I opened the door to reveal a smartly dressed Shane staring down at me.
"Hello to you too." He replied in the same playful manner as he passed through the open door and took a seat on the edge of my bed.
"Hi Shane, you look good." Caitlyn said in a mock shocked tone earning an eye roll from me and a scowl from Shane.
"I'll have you know Miss Gellar I always look good, this shirt just makes me look better." Shane retorted.
"Sure, sure if that's what helps you sleep at night." Caitlyn joked, the usual banter between the pain continuing for a further 5 minutes.
"Alright enough you too, we do have a show to put on and I believe that the panel is missing one judge, don't you have a meet and greet or something in like 10 minutes?" I asked knowing full well that he was probably trying to get out of meeting some of his adoring fans by hiding out here.
"Yes but I would much rather stay here and take abuse from Caitlyn than face a bunch of screaming girls that I really have no interest in." He replied pleading at me with his eyes.
"That is all well and good but you wouldn't want to disappoint them, plus I need to run through the song and I can't do that with you here, I want you to hear it for the first time when I sing on the stage." I said and he gave me an understanding nod.
"Alright I'll go. " He said then leaned down to give me a hug goodbye "You're going to be amazing." He whispered in my ear before pecking me on the cheek and leaving the cabin.
-XXX-
Time seemed to be ticking so slowly, I had been so nervous all day that I wanted to put the whole performance off but now that I had prepared myself and was ready to face the stage, time seemed to have stopped. It was classic sod's law, the way of the universe, and the universe seemed to hate me.
I paced up and down backstage, the bottom of my red dress grazing the floor as I did so but it was the only thing I could do to fill the time. I heard Brown step onto the stage, his voice travelling through the speakers and echoing around the room as he introduced the judges and announced the first act. My heart was practically beating out of my chest and I really did want to throw up now.
"Oh God, oh God what the hell was I thinking, I can't do this." I said, my tone conveying my nervousness.
"Mitchie yes you can, I have heard this song and it's amazing, you look amazing and Shane will be right there in front of you, just look at him." Caitlyn replied in an attempt to reassure me.
I gave her a weak smile and took in a deep breath, Tess was the next act to go on and then it would be my turn. People were bustling around backstage now, a young woman with a head-set ushering me toward the stage entrance as the music for Tess' piece started and my heart was beating faster than before.
"Are you okay luvie?" The woman asked placing her hand on the top of my back.
"Caitlyn, where is she?" I asked in response needing to know that Caity was ready, that she had my back, and that everything was going to be okay.
"She's setting her stuff I can go get her if you want." The woman replied kindly but I just shook my head.
"No it's okay, she is where she is supposed to be." I said and took another deep breath.
It only seemed like seconds later and yet Tess' music had stopped, the crowd had finished their cheering, and Brown was back on the stage, I could hear him speaking.
"Can you please welcome to the stage the very talented, Mitchie Torres." Brown said, the words reverberating around the room filling me with a sense of both dread and excitement. The woman that had guided me to the stage gave me a reassuring smile before I pushed the curtain aside and walked out onto the stage, the small train of my red dress trailing elegantly behind.
The lights hit me straight in the face illuminating my form as I sat on the chair directly in front of the judges. I gave Shane a small smile and then scanned the audience for my parents but my eyes met his and it took everything in me to stay on the stage. As he smirked at me I looked down to the floor and picked up the black, acoustic guitar that was leant on my chair refusing to let him beat me.
I placed the guitar comfortable on my lab and gently brushed my fingers over the strings as I had done a million times before and then I began to play. As I started to play the notes Caitlyn started the backing track, the lights dimmed and then I started to sing the lyrics to the song I had spent so long writing, the song that said everything that I couldn't.
"Dreaming comes so easily I'm scared and I'm alone I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say Healing comes so painfully I'm scared and I'm alone I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say There's only for my soul I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say Can't go back...
Cause it's all that I've known
True love is a fairytale
I'm damaged, so how would I know?
I'm shamed and I need for you to know
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
And it chills to the bone
Won't let anyone get close to me
I'm damaged, as I'm sure you know
I'm shamed and I need for you to know
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
And undo this fear
Forgiveness for a man
Who was stronger
I was just a little girl
But I can't look back
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
Can't go back...
Can't go back...
Can't go back...
I can't go back...
I can't go back...
I can't go back..
I must go on...
I must go on...
I must go on...
I must go on...
I must go on...
I must go on...
I must go on..."
As I sang the last line the backing music stopped, I stopped playing and let the sound of my voice echo through the room, a sense of relief and accomplishment washing over me when I had finished. There was a strange silence in the room as the lights brightened and I stood up from my seat but I was soon met with an array of applause before being ushered off stage so the next act could perform.
"Mitchie that was beautiful." Caitlyn said as she pulled me in for a hug.
"Thank you Caitlyn, for all your help." I replied my voice breaking a little and I realised for the first time that I had been crying.
"Anytime Mitchie, now we just have to sit and wait for everyone else to perform then the results. I will have literally everything crossed for you." She said sweetly and I couldn't help but smile at her positivity.
"Hmm, do you think we could go to the snack table, I'm kinda hungry now." I suggested.
"Oh good, me too!" She exclaimed and then dragged me toward the food.
I knew that the next 30 minutes were probably going to be the longest 30 minutes of my life, or at least close but at least I had done it. I had seen him, I had still been able to sing, and now I felt like I was ready to start getting my life back together, start to get better and move on.
-XXX-
Hey thanks for reading. The next chapter should be up by next week, there are only 2 left now but thank you to everyone who has stuck with me and my inability to upload quickly... The song that Mitchie sings is call Damaged and is by a band called Plum in case you wanted to listen.
Please review.x.