Chapter 20 – Remember, Sam, Guilt is not Love!
Sam heard her alarm clock buzzing for her to wake up and threw a pillow at it. ARGH! Why was it going off so early? It's Saturday! She thought and rolled over in her bed and fell asleep with the buzzing of her alarm still in her ears. Fuck! Amber, the hospital, getting out today, staying with me for a while…or longer! Sam screamed in her head as she remembered why the clock went off so early on a Saturday. She sat up in bed and looked to see what time it was but her clock was on the floor still buzzing. She rolled out of bed and looked at her clock on the floor. Shit! I'm running late! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Sam quickly got dressed in a pair of jeans and long sleeve tee shirt. She took a shower when she got home last night so did not need one this morning. Sam brushed her hair and cursed that it would not do as she wanted and cursed when her stomach growled. The blonde was hungry but did not have time to eat and figured she could get something at the hospital cafeteria. Sam cursed again as she looked for the keys of Patrick's rental car and then once more as her cell phone started ringing. She grabbed her phone without looking at the caller ID and flipped it open.
"What!"
"Well good morning to you too. Let me guess, you just woke up." Said the cheerful morning voice on the other side of the phone line.
"Oh…hey, Carls, sorry I'm running late. So what's up?"
"It's ok…I know your grumpy in the morning. I know I should not have called so early, but just wanted to remind you about dinner with my dad tonight. His plane comes in today and he is only going to be in town for today and tomorrow before he gets shipped back out. Annnnd, wanted to know if you wanted to hang out and go with me to the airport to pick up dad."
FUCK! I forgot! Double FUCK! Sam cursed once again in her head. "Well…I can't hang today…umm…Amber gets out of the hospital today and well, you know, she is staying here…I think…her brother came back last night…anyway I think I can make the dinner but can't go to the airport with you. Yeah…I am sure I can make the dinner. Patrick can look after Amber for a while." There was a long silence on the other end of the phone.
"Carls…Carly, you there."
"Yeah…I'm here *sniff*. You know *sniff*, don't worry about *sniff* dinner…or *sniff*…or…*sniff*…I have to go. Bye, Sam…and…and *sniff*…have fun babysitting the freak!" Carly hung up. Sam knew she was crying.
"FUUUUUUCK!" Sam yelled at the phone. She felt guilty again, but this time the guilt came from someone else. She did promise Carly weeks ago she would go to dinner with her and her dad. It was important for her and Sam wanted to be there for Carly…all the time, but guilt for Amber ate at her. "I'll just have to tell Amber I am going…I have to…Carly wants me there", Sam said aloud as she found the car keys. "Please just don't let her cry…I'll tell her with Patrick in the room…yeah. He'll calm her down."
Sam walked into the hospital room and saw Patrick was sitting on the couch watching CNN and Amber was sitting up in her bed with a tray of her breakfast in front of her. Sam was glad to see most of it was gone. Her stomach growled in hunger; Amber gave her a sad smile.
"Samantha…Patrick is being mean to me! He won't let me stay with you!" Amber pouted and glared at her brother. Sam felt a rush of relief and then guilt. Patrick looked over at Sam and then Amber
"Sorry, Sam, but I think she needs to stay at home." He said while looking at his sister. Amber huffed and crossed her arms over her chest, gave a small wince of pain, and continued pouting.
"Samantha…tell him it will be fine. Hell, I lived with you for months and you took care of me then…please tell him." Amber begged.
Sam looked at the sister and then the brother and then the sister again, "Well…maybe he is right, Amber. I mean…yeah I want you to stay with me…but I have to go back to school Monday and who will watch you while I'm at school?"
"I…I'll be fine while your at school and Patrick has to look for a job anyway…since her still will not take the job Mr. Isuel has offered again and again…and he won't be home while he is looking…please…please…let me stay with her Patrick." Amber then turned back to Sam, "Please, Samantha…I…I need you to be there for me."
FUCK! Sam screamed in her head as the last words got to her…fuck! I hate guilt!
Sam was about to give in to the guilt and back Amber's side when Patrick saved her, "Amber…no. That is final. Plus I have a job lined up already…you and I will talk about it later."
Amber pouted again, which normally worked on her brother all too well, "But…please…plus you can't make me! I'm staying with her! You can't stop me!"
Patrick smiled, "Yes I can. You are seventeen and I am your legal guardian until you are eighteen and even after you turn eighteen I am still your older brother and you will do as I tell you. Sam can visit as much as she likes and even spend the night as much as she wants…in the guest bedroom." Amber gave him a harsh look, "Now finish your breakfast, that cute nurse…Carrie…told me last night you haven't been eating." He added with a smug grin.
"Yeah she told on me just because she likes you…before you showed up they all liked me. And for your information, Patrick, when Samantha and I lived together we did not sleep in separate bedrooms but shared a bed every night and the things we did in that bed…"
"AMBER!" Sam screamed and turned red.
"Well…he thinks I am a nun or something and…and…he is just being mean! I wish…I wish you would have never come back!" Amber screamed at her brother.
Patrick gave his boyish grin, "Yeah, yeah, yeah…finish your breakfast. Hopefully the doctor will be here soon to release you. And I want him to look at your eye again since you still can't see out of it. The other doctor said you should get sight back in a few days, but it worries me. And when we get home, you have to tell me exactly how you wrecked my car. I can't believe you thought I would be that mad at you for that." Amber's comment about him coming back did not bother him. He knew his sister all too well (even if people did not think he did) and knew she did not mean it. She could be very spoiled and was used to getting her way but he held firm.
Amber picked up a piece of bacon, "You are seventeen and I am your legal guardian until you are eighteen and even after you turn eighteen I am still your older brother and you will do as I tell you." Amber mocked her brother's voice and tone under her breath as she pouted and Sam giggled.
"Sam, you did you eat breakfast?" Patrick asked the blonde. Sam shook her head and her stomach growled. Patrick pulled out his wallet and handed her some money, "Why don't you run to that diner on the corner and get us something. I haven't eaten either. I would go but I want to be here in case doctor shows up."
Sam nodded and took the money and heard Amber fussing behind her, "That's not fair! I have to eat this awful hospital food and the two of you get good food!" Sam laughed as she walked to the elevator. She was relieved…very relieved…that Amber was not staying with her. She did not know why she was so relieved, but she was.
Sam brought the food back and gave Patrick his breakfast and the change and sat to eat. She did not talk much and just listened and would giggle when Amber would pout and fuss at Patrick for this or that. Sam knew she was still upset about her brother not letting her stay at her house. They were waiting for the doctor; Patrick watching CNN with interest as they were reporting on the Middle East, Amber loudly flipping pages of a fashion magazine to annoy her brother, and Sam staring at the television but not really watching it. She found the news boring and suddenly realized Patrick's intense interest in the reporting. He had friends still there. Sam was snapped out of her thoughts by the sound of a magazine hitting Patrick in the back of his head.
"What the hell, Amber!" He turned to his sister.
Amber glared at him, "I'm staying with Samantha! You can't stop me. I don't care if you are my legal guardian…you are not dad and you can't stop me!" Amber screamed at her brother.
Sam sank herself in her chair; she did not want to get in the middle of this argument even if it did concern her as well. She'd accept either decision. Her guilt told her to choose Amber's side but her heart told her to choose Patrick's. So she just sat low in her chair and waited for Amber to call her name to choose her side. Sam knew Patrick would not ask her for help. He did not need it. Plus she really wanted to spend the day with Carly and go out to dinner with her and her dad. She had not seen Carly in two days and missed her best friend already.
"Amber, we are done talking about this. You are coming home." Patrick said calmly but with a commanding tone.
Amber knew she was not going to win alone and needed and ally, "Samantha, tell him. Tell him it would be better if I stayed with you. It would be better for me…to help me get better." Amber looked at Sam and the blonde looked into those green eyes and almost gave in…almost.
"Amber, you know I would love for you to stay with me, but maybe he is right. Plus I have dinner plans tonight I made weeks ago. After dinner I'll come over and…I'll stay the night."
Amber looked as if she was going to cry, "What plans? Who are you going…like I have to ask! I cannot believe you are…"
There was a knock on the door and Ran's parents walked into the room. Sam whispered a thank you to the gods for the rescue as Mr. and Mrs. Isuel walked into the room. They both saw Patrick and told him they were so happy to see him and Mrs. Isuel hugged him tight and her husband shook his hand with enthusiasm and then gave him a manly embrace.
Mrs. Isuel looked at Amber and gave her a disapproving look, "We heard the arguing in the hall. Amber, you should not fight with your brother. He came home to see you and look after you."
Amber gave Patrick a look that read, you think you always win, but I am not done yet. She then looked at Ran's mother with tears in her eyes and held her arms out for a hug.
"He is being mean to me. He…he…he won't let me stay with Samantha. It's just for a few days and…and she can take care of me and she wants me there. Tell them, Samantha." Amber whined as Mrs. Isuel gave her a hug. Sam noticed that Amber gave her brother a look over woman's shoulder that read, ha…I win! That look changed to defeat quickly and more tears with the Korean woman's reply.
"Oh, Amber…you need to be home with your brother. Patrick is right. I am sure Sam understands."
"You always did like him better than me. You always take his side." Amber whined as she pried herself from the woman's arms.
"That is not true, dear, and you know it. You are just upset. I am glad he is home…about time…and glad he is here to take care of you. He has strength most people don't. It is good he is here."
Amber knew she lost but she had one last card to play, not to win but for revenge. "How is Ran…she is not with you?" Amber truly did not care if her former best friend was there…she did not want Ran there…or she told herself…she knew the comment would hurt Mrs. Isuel. Amber knew Ran's mother and knew the lady would be fussing with Ran to visit her friend. Just as expected Mrs. Isuel frowned and gave Amber a sad look.
"Amber, I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you what is going on with that daughter of mine, but she won't talk and hardly leaves her room and sleeps too much. I don't think she has eaten more than a nibble here and there for days. And that poor boy Jason…he keeps calling and she refuses to talk to him. He stopped by yesterday after school, Ran had yet to go back, and I allowed him to go to her room. I know it was improper, but I am worried about her, and thought it could help. I just heard her screaming at him. She said he disgusted her and never wanted to see him again and used language I never knew she could use. I thought he…well…made her do something she did not want to do." She looked at her husband and then leaned closer to Amber and whispered in her ear, "But I know Ran is not a virgin so it could not be that." She leaned back, "I am worried about her."
Amber gave Mrs. Isuel another hug to show her concern for Ran but she was smiling on the inside about Ran's suffering. Ok…I feel guilty about hurting Mrs. Isuel…but damn Ran!
Mr. Isuel said something to his wife in Korean and she replied in the same language. Patrick surprised Sam when he answered back in the same language. Mrs. Isuel smiled at him and said in English, "That would be very kind of you. She always looked up to you."
Amber rolled her eyes, she did not understand what was said, but somehow she knew they asked Patrick to try and talk to their daughter. Like hell he will! He is my brother, not that fucking bitch's! Amber thought with a fake sad smile of sympathy on her face for Ran. She almost forgot Patrick spoke Korean…and Spanish, French, German, and could work his way through a conversation in Italian and Farsi. He had a knack with languages. Amber never did understand why he choose the military over college. He was very intelligent and could have gone to a number of colleges. He didn't make outstanding grades in high school like she did; he made average grades. He could have done a lot better but he said school bored him and so did studying. When she was packing some of their parents things weeks after they died, Amber came across her brother's SAT scores and they were very high, not as high as hers but close. Amber asked him how come he scored so well on them but not regular school tests. Patrick just gave her his boyish grin and said with his SAT's he had something to prove to someone and in school her could car less how her was graded by his teachers. He did not have to prove anything to them. He spent most of his time in detention with Christopher. They were infamous for the pranks they pulled. Their pranks and jokes were not cruel or hurtful, like some of Sam's had been her first year or two…or three, but more in fun. The two boys even had more than a few teachers laughing and admiring their pranks…after they gave the boys detention of course. Amber could remember Patrick and her dad arguing when she was little. They would fight over his grades and his detention and his pranks. To Amber they got along fine and had a lot of father and son bonding camping trips, but their dad really wanted him to grow up and go to college. He had been hard on Patrick.
After Amber sighed and agreed to go home instead of Sam's, Patrick asked Sam to give the Isuel's time with Amber and wanted to know if he could by her a cup of coffee. Sam agreed, she wanted to get out of the room and hoped Amber would forget about where the conversation was going before Ran's parents showed up. Patrick and Sam made some small talk on the way to the hospital cafeteria and he got them both some coffee and cream for her and they found a table. Sam smiled when she saw some of the nurses look at Patrick add frown at her in envy. Patrick surprised her with the conversation he started after they sat down.
"Look, Sam, I like you…a lot, but don't let Amber manipulate you." Sam gave him a curious look and he chuckled, "I love my sister a great deal…maybe too much…but I also know her a great deal. She is very charming and sweet and a great person, but she can use that charm to get what she wants. I…well…I could tell you were relieved when I told her she was going home and not to your house."
Sam sank into her chair, Great…just fucking great! I am going to get lectured by Amber's brother, "Patrick, it is not that I did not want her to stay with me…I just promised a friend…my best friend Carly Shay…I would meet her and her dad for dinner tonight. He's in the navy and this is the first time she had seen him in years. And well…I like him and it would be great to see him."
Patrick smiled, "You should have told Amber. I am sure she'll understand."
Sam fidgeted in her chair, "Well…ummm…the problem is that Amber and Carly just don't get along that well. Hell, they can't stand one another. Patrick, Carly and I have been best friends for years…a lot of years…and I can't just throw that away. I care for Amber, a lot, but Carly also means a lot to me. I…" She stopped when Patrick held up his hands and chuckled.
"Its ok…calm down, girl…I understand. I would not choose a girl over my best friend either and I hope my sister would not make anyone choose her over a best friend. But, Sam, you need to tell her…not just about your plans with Carly, but about the other thing…don't give me that look…you know what I am talking about. I know you care about Amber, but, Sam, you don't love her do you?"
Sam sighed, "I…I don't know and it's driving me crazy. Patrick…I…I feel terrible. The night this happened to Amber, well…she called me and left a voice mail asking me to pick her up. Amber and I were not dating…we kind of broke up…and…I…I…was with Carly, and no Carly is not gay…we are just friends. Anyway after I checked the voice mail Carly said I could borrow her car to get Amber and I…," Sam started to cry at this point. Not sobbing but just tears running down her cheeks. She wiped her eyes and looked embarrassed, "Sorry…I hate crying and hate it worse when people see me…anyway, I didn't go get her. If I did…this would not have happened to her. It…it's my fault and I feel so fucking guilty. I care about your sister and maybe I do love her…but I am not one hundred percent sure."
Patrick took her hand and held it, "Sam, you listen to me…it is not your fault. It happened and you could not change that. I am not a religious man but I will tell you this, when God wants something bad to happen it is going to happen. So if it did not happen that night it would have been another. Don't let the guilt eat at you, Sam…trust me…I know how guilt can eat at you and make you try to put things right all to well. That can drive you mad…don't let it eat at you, ok. No one blames you."
Sam let it sink in and she appreciated his words but she still did not know what to do with Amber or her feelings for the girl.
"Sam, you know I'm fond of you…but don't hurt my sister." It was not a threat, "I love her a great deal, and I just ask you to be honest with her. I am not asking you to love her or not talk to her again or not see her anymore. That is between you and her. Just be honest with her. She deserves that. She is not like us, Sam. She is not strong like you and I." Having Patrick compare her to him made her feel…well…proud, "Amber did not take the death of out parents very well and I think she still has yet to let go of them or that pain. She thinks if she lets go she will forget them. She was much closer to them than I was…She was especially close to our mother. Dad spoiled her and adored her of course, but her and mom had something special. It was amazing to see them together. Don't get me wrong, when she had to mom could lay down the law, but her and Amber were very close. All I am asking is just be honest…ok?" Sam nodded, "And don't let her manipulate you. She knows how and sometimes she does it without even knowing she does it. My mom used to do the same to me when she wanted me to stop fighting with dad." He added with a chuckle, "She was a master of it and Amber learned from her." He stood up. Sam followed his motion and him back to Amber's room. When they got on the elevator he shocked her again.
"Sam, your friend Carly…is her father Commander Charles Shay?"
Sam nodded, "Yeah…how did you know?"
Patrick smiled as the elevator doors opened, "When you see him tonight, tell him that Marine Staff Sergeant who pulled him and his men's asses out of that mess they got themselves into in the Kunar Province in Afghanistan said hello." He stepped off the elevator and Sam wondered just what the hell did Patrick do while in the Marines.
Amber was still pouting when they got back into the room and two doctors were with her now. One was checking her eye and the other was filling out her release papers and writing her prescriptions for antibiotics and pain killers. The eye doctor checked he latest x-rays and looked at her eye and told her she should start to get her normal sight back in a week at the latest. It would come back blurry at first and then slowly get back to normal. They released her and wheeled her down to Patrick's rental car an hour later. Mrs. Isuel stopped by Amber and Patrick's home before they got to the hospital and got her some clothes to wear for when she got released. Patrick picked her up and placed her in the car like a child and Sam got in the back seat. The first thing Amber did when she got in the car was look at the vanity mirror on the visor. She had not seen herself in days. She looked and burst into tears.
Her eyes was still covered by the bandage but the bruise still showed ugly and black around the bandage, her lip was still swollen and also bandaged and still stitched. Her face had three long finger nail scratches on her right side that ran from her cheek to her chin and she had other bruises and marks on her face and neck. On her forehead was a large purple and black bruise when her head was slammed into the toilet seat. The doctors assured her she would not have any permanent scares and Patrick and Sam told her they would go away, but to Amber she would always look the way he did now. Sam reached up and placed her hand on her shoulder and tried to comfort her. Amber grabbed it and held it tight the entire ride home. When they got home, Patrick carried her to her room and gently laid her on the bed. Sam sat on the edge of the bed next to her and Amber grabbed her and hugged her tight.
"Stay with me, Samantha…please don't leave me. I love you so much…I need you. I…I…I'm not cute anymore."
Sam stoked her hair and avoided Patrick's sad stare, "I'm here, baby, I'm here and you are beautiful."
Amber smiled at Sam, "Please stay with me…hold me and never let me go."
Patrick cleared his throat, "Sam could you stay with her while I go get her prescriptions. Also my car is ready and I need to pick it up and I need to call Byung to take me to drop off the rental and pick up my car. It should not be long."
Sam nodded and was about to tell Patrick it was not a problem but Amber spoke first, "She'll stay and she is spending the night…in my bed…hell I can't do anything anyway…as much as I want to…right, Samantha?"
Patrick spoke first, "Just watch her for me, Sam, I appreciate it. You know you can stay as long as you want to…you are always welcome here…but if you have important plans tonight you don't have to stay. I'll be home."
Sam was getting pissed people were making her mind up for her; "I'll stay and go to dinner and come back." She glanced at Amber who gave her a sad look. Patrick smiled and left the room after he gave Sam his cell number just in case.
"So you are ummm…going out with Carly?" She asked the blonde.
"Look, Amber…I promised her weeks ago. Her dad is going to be in town and hell…I like him and want to see him. So yeah I am going. I'll stay with you for a while and some back tonight."
"You don't have to come back if you don't want to. I…I just need you. Patrick can't be here for me like you can. I need you to help me…I…I have terrible nightmares about what happened…and…please come back to sleep with me." Amber begged. She was having nightmares, but she did not know Sam knew about them. Sam would hear her begging in her sleep. Begging unnamed people to stop beating her and willing to do anything for them to stop hurting her. Amber did not know Sam knew, all she wanted was for Sam to love her and she would do anything to get her to love her again.
"I promise." Sam said and leaned down and kissed Amber's forehead but Amber grabbed her shoulders and kissed her lips gently. Her bottom lip hurt when she did, but she did not care. She had to feel those wonderful soft lips on hers. Sam kissed her back gently and she felt herself being pulled down.
"Samantha…I'm kind of sleepy…lay with me and hold me…not to tight…until I fall asleep. Please…I want to feel you next to me."
Sam lay next to her and hugged her carefully and felt Amber grab her hand and pull it to her chest, "I love you, Samantha. Tell me you love me…please."
"I love you Amber…Amber…I need to tell you I'm sorry about what happened that night I came over when I…well you know."
Amber smiled, "Its ok, baby, I…well…it was great sex…and…you can always use me like that…just love me too. Samantha am I still cute…I mean now…do you think I'm cute?"
Sam kissed the back of her head, "You are so beautiful, Amber."
Amber smiled and quickly fell asleep due to the pain killer the doctor gave her before they left the hospital.
Sam got up and called Carly and left her a voice mail asking to call her back and she would really like meet her for dinner. She hoped Carly was not ignoring her call. Ten minutes later her phone rang and it was Carly.
"Hey, Carls…ummm…is that invite still good?"
"Of course silly, want me to pick you up or meet us there?"
"Pick me up…umm…at Amber's. Here let me give you the address." Sam gave Carly the address.
"So I take it she is home? How is the little whore…I mean slut…I mean girl." Carly asked sarcastically.
"Carly, please don't. I don't like it when you call her names, so please stop...for me. As far as how she is doing I will tell you. She had a severe concussion, a cracked rib and several bruised ones, six stitches in her lip, and an eye so fucking busted up she can't see out of and it is going to take a week or so for her to get her sight back. So that is how she is doing and if you are the person I know you to be you would have some fucking compassion for her. They did not just kick the shit out her pretty bad, they tortured her, Carly. They made her do things she won't even talk about but I heard the nurses talking the first night. They made her do terrible things and when she sleeps I hear her begging them to stop. She is so afraid of them and that they may come after her again she refuses to tell the police who did it and she knows…I know she knows who did it and so do I. And I am going to get justice for her…trust me. So that is how she if fucking doing and I am serious, not another word like that about her. If you truly care then ask, but if you are just asking to be mean, stop!"
There was a pause before she replied, "Sam…I didn't know it was that bad…I…well…I'm sorry for her…I really am. And I'm sorry for the way I acted. And don't you do anything stupid! I mean it!"
"Well you know now. Hmm…what time are you going to pick me up and where are we going?"
"Oh…six thirty, our reservation are at seven thirty at "Natalia's" so dress nice." "Natalia's" was a very upscale expensive restaurant in the city.
"Oh shit! I don't have anything to wear? You got my house key right? Do me a favor and pick up that blue dress for me."
"Oh I like that one…the one you used when you tried to seduce me." Carly giggled.
"Carly! Stop!" Sam chuckled.
"I'll get it and a sweater and some shoes to. See ya later…and Sam…if she…well…if you need anything let me know. Seriously, k."
"Ok, Carls…see ya later."
Sam closed her cell and walked back into Amber's room and saw the girl twitching in her sleep and mumbling. Sam listened to her mumbles were pleas; pleas like "Please no more. Please it hurts. Please not that. Please I'll do anything just don't hurt me anymore." Sam sighed sadly and took off her jeans and lay in the bed. She put her arms gently around Amber and the girl stopped twitching and mumbling her pleas. Instead she mumbled, "I love you Samantha…please never leave me again." Sam sighed, Oh fuck…what am I doing! She needs me but God help me…I don't think I love her.
Carly hung up the phone and seriously felt bad about what she said about Amber. She truly had not realized how bad Amber got beat up. Of course Carly knew who did it, hell the whole school knew but they needed proof and Amber was the only proof they had and from what Sam said she is not talking. Carly could not blame her, she would be scared too and she thought another reason Amber was not saying anything is because she did not want to relive the incident. Carly wouldn't have. Sam was different than her and Amber. Sam was emotionally and physically tougher and while she would not have told the police, she would have gotten justice her own way. That worried Carly as well. Sam would want justice for Amber and it scared Carly what she would do. Carly loved her best friend a great deal…she was still confused on how, but loved her nevertheless; but she also knew Sam better than anyone including Amber. Carly knew Sam could be mean and do terrible things and seriously hurt someone if she wanted to and not feel guilty about it for one second. Carly was afraid Sam would do something drastic, she knew the girl's temper, and she would get kicked out of school or even put in jail.
Yeah, the school knew who beat up Amber in the bathroom that evening and Carly had proof...in a way. She found out at school the previous day when Maria was laughing and making fun of Amber getting beat up, Carly actually approached her in the bathroom and the Cuban girl laughed at Carly and said yes she and Tiffany and Kiesha did it and "the little dyke cunt better be glad we didn't do worse and if you tell anyone your next." Carly was not really afraid of the girl until Sam explained what they did to Amber in more detail. She had a decision to make and it revolved around protecting herself or helping a girl she hated. Carly was glad her father was home, he would know what to do.
A/N -Most readers love the character Amber, as I do, but the next few chapters will show she also can manipulate (very well) and even hate with the best of them. She is a seventeen year old girl after all.