Wingmech

"Wrench."

"…"

"Wire cutters."

"…"

"…Steve, wire cutters."

"…"

"Steve!"

"What?!" Steve jumped, whipping his helm around to look at Fixit.

The modified Eradicon just looked at him with a raised brow. "I didn't realize Creamer sucking up to our Lord was that fascinating."

The Vehicon coughed uncomfortably. "Yeah, no, it's, um…amusing to watch the futility?"

Her brow remained up. "Uh-huh…"

He fidgeted. "…what did you want, again?"

"For you to tell me the truth?"

"So you can blackmail me mercilessl-? Wait, frag!" he swore, realizing he had just confirmed Fixit's suspicion that he actually was hiding something. Steve tried to flee as an evil grin spread across the Eradicon's faceplates, but she just tripped and sat on him.

"Come here, Stevie. Tell Auntie Fixit everything."

Steve whimpered.

"…I don't even want to know," Starscream deadpanned, staring flatly at the two of them. Megatron was standing behind the Seeker with a raised brow.

"Hey milord, hey Creamer!" Fixit waved cheerfully as Steve attempted to become one with the hull in embarrassment. "Don't mind us, I'm just interrogating Steve. He's trying to keep potential blackmail material from me," she shook her helm sadly.

"Like you need more blackmail," Starscream muttered, turning away to go yell at other, more incompetent Roombas.

"One can never have enough blackmail! You know that, Sir Valenti-!" she called happily after him, noticing Steve watching Creamer's aft out of the corner of her optic. Interesting…

"NO! YOU KNOW YOU'RE NEVER ALLOWED TO MENTION THAT EVER AGAIN!" the Seeker shrieked as he fled in fear, following the mass exodus of Vehicons.

Megatron was visibly taken aback at how fast his forces had scattered at one incomplete sentence from the crazy Eradicon medic. Said medic was currently cackling madly from her perch on top of Steve, who was clawing at the hull of the Nemesis in a futile attempt to flee as well.

"…what, exactly, did you do to traumatize my forces this time?" the Lord of the Decepticons asked warily, with a slight edge of amusement.

Fixit snickered. "I did it several stellar cycles ago, actually, sir. I can't believe they're still terrified, that's awesome."

"…several stellar cycles," he said slowly, his brow raising again.

"Yep! I modified a human tradition and their reactions to it were hysterical. Although in hindsight I might've gone a bit over the top…"

"A bit!?" Steve cried incredulously. "The entirety of the Nemesis voted unanimously to erase any evidence of the fragging thing, and to ban any mention of anything connected to it ever again!"

Fixit pouted. "I still can't believe Soundwave actually voluntarily erased that footage even before the decree…"

"He what!?" Megatron's processor just about broke at that.

"I know, right!? Like, what the frag?!"

"That- enough! You!" he pointed commandingly at Fixit, who snapped to attention obediently. "Get the drones back to work, and finish these repairs!"

"Sir!" She saluted as Megatron stalked off, presumably to corner his TIC and wrangle the truth out of him.

Steve vented in relief once his intimidating Lord was gone. How the frag was Fixit so casual with him?!

…oh wait. He was alone with Fixit. And the crazy Eradicon knew he was hiding something.

.

.

.

Frag his life.

Fixit had recalled the Roombas and set them to work with Dreadwing supervising before dragging Steve off and locking him in a closet with her.

"Now then…" she turned ominously to the cowering Vehicon.

Steve winced and waited for the incoming interrogation.

"…you have a crush on Creamer? Seriously? I guess there's no accounting for taste…"

"Wait, what!? How did you- how do you know that!?" Steve yelped in alarm. He could've sworn the Eradicon had no idea!

"I caught you ogling his aft earlier up on the hull." She smirked smugly as his cooling fans clicked on in embarrassment and he covered his faceplate.

"Fiiiixiiiitttt," he moaned. "Shut uuuuuuuupp."

"There there, Stevie. Don't worry," she patted him on the shoulder. "Fixit will help you tap that."

"FIXIT!"

"Even if we have to get him so overcharged he won't remember what happened the next day."

"FIXIT!"

"Steve, you go stand there. And don't move till it's time to play along."

"…please don't make me do this."

"You don't even know what the plan is!"

"It's you. It's going to be incredibly traumatizing and/or embarrassing no matter what."

"…it'll let you touch Starscream."

"…"

"…"

"…I hate you so much right now…"

"Good boy, Steve~!"

"Creamer!" Fixit proclaimed cheerfully, bouncing over to the Seeker.

He promptly backpedaled rapidly, grabbing a random Vehicon (or so he thought) to use as a living shield. "BACK, FOUL BEAST!"

Steve suddenly understood exactly why Fixit had told him to stand there. For once, he was extremely thankful he didn't have a face. Otherwise, his flush would have given the game away.

But the object of his desire was right there! His lean, sleek body pressed against the Vehicon's back, nimble servos clinging to his shoulders, venting right on his neck-

Fixit was having a hard time keeping a straight face as she verbally toyed with Starscream. Steve's optical band was practically glazed over, the mech clearly oblivious to anything except the Seeker's proximity to him. It was hysterical! That bot had it so bad for Starscream. Too bad the Seeker didn't really like Grounders…

Still, there was always plan B: getting Starscream so drunk he couldn't see straight before locking them in a closet together.

Hey, they were Decepticons! What did they care about morals?! If Creamer was stupid enough to get that overcharged in the first place, he deserved what happened to him.

Plus, extra potential blackmail! It was a win-win scenario!

"Fixit, pleeeeease stop…"

"Nope. You're a good friend and a better minion, Steve. If helping you tap Seeker aft makes you happy, then by Primus I'm going to help you. Regardless of my personal feelings towards said aft."

"…you do realize it's his frame and not his personality I like, right? I'm not in love with him, just in lust."

"...well, I know now. And my faith in your good taste has been restored."

"Excuse me!?"

"Starscream's might be a total glitch, but even I have to admit he's attractive."

"…I'm…not sure how I feel about that."

"No one ever does, Steve. No one ever does. Now then, Operation: One Night Stand is a go!"

"Fixiiiiiiiiit, noooooooo!"

Steve winced as Starscream walked onto the bridge, fresh from Dreadwing's failed murder attempt. He was so glad he'd managed to distract Fixit from all the Eradicon's attempts so far to get him together with the Seeker. Pretty though he might be, Steve had enough crazy to deal with in the form of a certain Eradicon. He did not need to complicate his life further.

And after all the time spent around Fixit, Steve really should have known better than to tempt fate.

"COMMANDER DREADWING KIDNAPPED FIXIT!?" all the Roombas on the bridge yelped in unison, spinning to face their startled officers. Then all their helms snapped towards Steve.

(As Fixit's favorite minion, all the other Roombas had started looking to Steve for orders when the crazy Eradicon medic or any of the other officers weren't around. Much to his eternal dismay.)

"That fragger is dead!" Steve fumed, gesturing the bridge back to work even as he commed the rest of his brethren. :Attention, all Roombas! This is Head Minion Steve! Ex-Commander Dreadwing has kidnapped Fixit! Activate Emergency Protocol Keystone! Repeat, activate Protocol Keystone! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!:

Steve shared a nod with Commander Soundwave when the TIC sent him Dreadwing and Fixit's last known coordinates. They would find the Eradicon, even if they had to comb the entire planet to do so!

The rest of the officers just blinked bemusedly. What the frag just happened?

A/N: Set between Chapters 33 and 34 of Fixit.

Never underestimate the Roombas' devotion to Fixit.

And no, Fixit never did manage to get Starscream and Steve together. Much to the Vehicon's eternal relief.