The Space Between Darkness
by Lady Dawson and EssentiallyRei
Part I: Joan Bennett Personal Log
Personal Log: Joan Bennett
Stardate 2258.70
We will be arriving at Earth in less than three days.
Dr. McCoy has referred me to the Cybernetics Institute (still in its infancy from my understanding) for a replacement left arm. He is accompanying me there when we reach Earth where he will oversee the operation for a cybernetic replacement. The arm will essentially be robotic, but it will connect to the nerve endings in my shoulder. I will still be able to move the arm as I would a real one. "With practice," Dr. McCoy emphasized.
Dr. McCoy keeps asking me if I am going to be all right. He says I have become more unreadable than Spock, and I quote: "And that's saying something."
He is right. Something in me has changed. I feel empty. I no longer feel like the person I used to be.
I am still telepathically linked to Spock and I have allowed his logic to take control. It seems logic is the only thing keeping me on my toes and active.
Spock believes I need to reconnect with myself. As much as he believes in logic, he believes there are feelings I need to address deep within my katra.
So in an effort to "reconnect" with myself, I have decided to continue the personal log I attempted to start at Starfleet Academy before the destruction of Vulcan. Under my human name Joan Bennett, I will record when and what I can.
Stardate 2258.74
According to Dr. McCoy the procedure for my cybernetic arm went well. However, I must undergo physiotherapy on a daily basis in order for the arm to react to signals from my brain. Once the arm becomes more mobile, Dr. McCoy says it will be no different from any natural part of my body.
Putting his perspective aside, I opted to have the arm not grafted with a layer of synthetic skin. Instead the cybernetic workings are protected with white encasing—a hard framework that is shaped and pieced together to look as muscles and the curves of a real arm. At the joints of the arm, hand, and fingers the black cybernetic skeleton is still visible.
At least in shape and size, it is a counterpart to my right arm.
When Spock asked me why I chose to have the arm look robotic, I could not give him a rational answer. I told him it served as a reminder.
Stardate 2258.76
Doctor McCoy has allowed me to return to duty so long as I continue daily physiotherapy. He has also suggested that I seek counseling, but I informed him that it is unnecessary, as a Vulcan I do not need counseling.
In turn he told me, "I feel guilty for criticizing you when you were showing optimism for the catastrophic events happening. I thought that was scary. But now I realize seeing you emotionless is scarier. Regardless of your stone cold exterior, Miss Vulcan, I think you're emotionally perturbed."
Despite Doctor McCoy's professional opinion on my state of mind, I have immediately begun assisting with repairs on the Enterprise, which is docked at Lunaport Facility. Without a warp core, the Enterprise is temporarily out of commission. Most of the personnel have been dispersed and reassigned aside from a dozen Petty engineers and Ops officers.
Spock is making preparations for Sarek and Amanda, and the other Vulcan survivors to leave for New Vulcan. I am to join them in two days time to help with the preparations.
Stardate 2258.79…
Stardate 2258.80…
Error: Log entries could not be retrieved.
System Analysis: Data is Corrupted.
Stardate 2258.81
I've been having a recurring nightmare.
Spock and I are standing on the Narada. We both know our objective. Our objective is clear. Our objective is easy. We are in sync; our minds are one.
Our objective is to deactivate the Narada's drill before our home planet Vulcan is destroyed.
We make our way to the Narada's bridge expecting to encounter Nero's men along the way. We encounter no one. There is no one who can stop us.
On the bridge, Nero is standing in front of the console that we need access to in order to deactivate the drill. He is leering at us.
Spock aims his phaser at Nero and commands him to move or he will fire. His phaser is set to kill.
Nero only leers. His eyes are on me. They pierce me. They drill into me. They burn me.
I feel something take control of my biosynthetic arm. It's a darkness I cannot stop. It's inside me. My calm and logical mind fights with it.
The darkness wins. I turn on Spock.
My arm reaches out and picks Spock up by the throat. It is a strength I did not know I had. It is a strength I do not want but cannot stop. I hold Spock over the side of the walkway. If I let go, he will fall. He will die.
Spock struggles, but through his raspy breaths he says, "Joni, you can still fight it. Do not let the darkness win."
He is wrong. I know he is wrong. I cannot win. The darkness has already won.
But I try. I try to use my real arm to stop my biosynthetic arm. The hand on my biosynthetic arm only tightens around Spock's throat. It's choking Spock. It's killing him.
I tell Spock, "I can't stop it!" Tears start streaming down my face. It's my fault Spock will die. I try explaining with, "I'm sorry, Spock. I can't stop it!"
Spock's eyes roll into the back of his head. My arm finally releases him and he starts to fall. I catch him with my real arm, falling to the floor of the walkway. Spock dangles as I hold on to him.
Everything around us starts tearing apart. The Narada is falling into a black hole. Underneath where Spock dangles, the black hole tears the bottom of the Narada with centrifugal force. I can see the singularity. I can see the darkness.
My real arm is not strong enough to hold him any longer. Spock falls.
As I watch him disappear into the singularity… into the darkness… I am empty.
Every time I have this nightmare, Spock has it, too. He claims he is undisturbed by it, but I can't believe him. He has control over his emotions more than I do, but I can sense his underlying worry. Spock is a victim because of me.
After every nightmare my biosynthetic arm stops working. I continue to see Dr. McCoy who has me still working on physiotherapy, which will temporarily get the arm working again.
Dr. McCoy says that with time I will get used to the arm and that it will eventually become a part of me. I have not told him about my nightmare. I know the reason my biosynthetic arm stops working is psychological.
I am afraid of accepting that part of me. I feel darkness there.
Stardate 2258.86
Today Scotty expressed that he would like to spend tomorrow's lunch discussing the new warpcore design that Starfleet is equipping the Enterprise with. I declined on the basis that I had no objections to the design.
It was only after I left the vicinity that I realized that he was really asking me on a date.
Stardate 2258.88
I have identified my psychological difficulty as: Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.
I am emotionally scarred by the events that took place on the Narada. Though, consciously I do not dwell on what happened, subconsciously I cannot not overcome the emotions impressed upon me by the incident.
Logic impedes my understanding of the emotions. But logic is also keeping me sane.
Stardate 2258.91
The nightmare is slowly starting to have a heavier effect on Spock. He is distracted. His mind is constantly tasked with keeping me rational. Subsiding my stress.
Uhura is concerned because Spock has not been sleeping. Spock has not told her about the recurring nightmare, but Uhura knows that Spock and I share a telepathic link. She knows I am a part of the reason he cannot sleep. Spock has tried assuring her that it is nothing to be concerned about, but she believes Spock and I should learn to block one another out.
Despite her reasons being selfish—she only wants time alone with Spock—Uhura is right. If Spock and I learned to block one another, Spock will not be affected by my nightmare. Not directly.
Until such a block can be made, Spock and I are alternating our sleep schedules. Spock does not share the nightmare if he remains awake, but he still feels the emotions that run through me when I dream.
Stardate 2258.92
Spock and I have agreed to meet every evening for a meditation session. In our sessions we will practice creating privacy blocks that we will use when we are involved with personal moments. The principal example being Spock's time with Uhura.
Spock also wishes to help me approach my nightmare in a mind-meld, perhaps changing its psychological perimeters. He believes he can help me overcome whatever emotions are running deep within me.
I am afraid he will unleash the darkness.
Stardate 2258.95
The unexpected has happened.
Pike's relief ceremony is in two weeks time; and Kirk, who is soon-to-be the Captain of the Enterprise, is already putting together a roster of whom he wants as his primary crew. Today he approached me and asked if I would be his Chief Engineer.
This was unacceptable, and I made an argument against his pick. I told him, "I would love to serve aboard the Enterprise under your leadership, Jim. However, I must decline the position of Chief Engineer and instead urge you to give the position to Montgomery Scott." I then gave him a number of reasons why, to which he responded:
"All right, all right. I see your point. You know, you're sounding more and more like your brother."
Stardate 2258.99
The mind-meld sessions with Spock have remotely helped my confidence. I feel more confident every time Spock and I enter my nightmare, because I feel less alone. But I know it's because Spock is pushing himself and his own mental limits to reach me. He is so confident that I can stop the darkness that breaches my sanity.
I have been using my logical and Vulcan personality as a crutch. Becoming emotionless during the day, only to have that crutch break every night I have to watch myself hurt Spock.
I have wondered if Spock's confidence breaks little by little every time I fail to overcome what takes control of me in the nightmare. I wonder if every time I choke him to death he sees me as a monster. I do not know, because I am afraid to return his efforts to reach out to me. I am afraid that if I reach out to him, I will only hurt him again.
He keeps trying; I keep failing.
Stardate 2258.101
I have perfected the ability to block Spock from my thoughts; at least when I am awake. This is because I have pushed myself to do so. My failure to overcome my nightmares in my sleep has also been affecting my conscious state of mind. When I am awake, I am in a constant state of anxiety. The most I can do to prevent this anxiety from passing on to my brother is to block my thoughts from him.
Spock does not believe this is how I should govern the anxiety: by ignoring it and him.
My response to him: "It is no longer your concern."
It is better that he does not see; it is better that I suppress him from the darkness. So that when I break, he does not break with me. Or because of me.
Stardate 2258.102
Starfleet Command has transmitted orders for me to return to Earth from Lunaport and the Enterprise for a mandatory reassignment. Spock and Kirk are not happy with this news. Both plan on disputing the reassignment with the Admiralty, to have the reassignment overturned.
I am at a loss as to why this is happening. I envisioned remaining on the Enterprise for years to come. Or until the day I reawaken in a human body in San Francisco as Joan Bennet.
The belief that it is my fate to be on the Enterprise… has been shattered. I do not understand. I cannot find comfort in logic. I am… confused.
Stardate 2258.105
The reassignment stands. Starfleet Command justifies the reassignment with the context that if the Enterprise has Scotty, it does not need me.
To quote the message Kirk received from Command:
"Lieutenant Joan is a capable engineer and a valuable asset to Starfleet. Her skill and knowledge must be applied where it is most needed. It's recognized that the Enterprise will be receiving Lieutenant Commander Montgomery Scott as its Chief Engineer. In short: The Enterprise does not need two genius engineers serving on board. Lieutenant Joan will be reassigned as necessary. She will report to Admiral Marcus on Stardate 2258.108 at 0900 hours to be debriefed and to receive her reassignment."
Three days from now. Also the day of Pike's relief ceremony. Not only will I miss the important occasion of Kirk becoming Captain of the Enterprise, but the mention of Admiral Marcus…
Does not bode well.
AN: Hey, guys! So we decided that we wanted to do two personal logs, one for Joni and one for Emily, before starting the sequel! So here is the first part, hope you enjoy it! Emily's personal log will come soon and then the sequel!
Lady Dawson