I'm sorry I didn't post the chapter yesterday but real life called me and I didn't find the time to finish the chapter. So here you are a day late.

Chapter 19

The audience applauded when the band entered the TV studio. It was now the end of February and they had announced that Shuusei planned to leave the band on facebook in about two months and their homepage two weeks ago. Now one of Japan's most improtant music shows had invited them to a live interview

Of course the reactions to the announcement were mixed, some tried to see Shuusei's reasons others were very disappointed in him.

They were greeted by the hostess of the show and all sat down.

"It's nice to have all of you here." The woman noted and smiled at Shuusei's direction. He just nodded and didn't know what to say. He could not skip this interview because the main topic would be him and his future plans. It was also his wish to explain his reasons.

The first five minutes were just meaningless small talk where Shuusei stayed out of as he always did. His friends were much better at talking about nothing. But then the hostess turned her attention to Shuusei.

"So, Shuusei-kun. Your announcement to leave the band hit your fans like a bombshell. What led to this decision?"

Shuusei shrugged. "There were so many factors but I came to the decision that I can't go on like this the moment I woke up in hospital when I collapsed on stage. It has just become too much for me. I'm sorry for my fans. I really love being on stage but all the things in the background are simply too much for me."

The hostess nodded. "I see, but you're not new in the business yet you waited so long to take the step. Why now?"

Shuusei sighed. He had known they would ask this question but of course he was forbidden to talk badly about Kase.

"Let's just say there were differences between our managent and me which piled up and led to the point I broke down. I've always been overly sensitive and so I think it's the best for my health when I concentrate on other things."

"It wasn't only Shuusei's fault, though", Sairi stated to Shuusei's surprise

He had been told to take all the blame on himself. He didn't like it, because it was Kase who did his job in the way of maximum profit on the cost of their healths, but he couldn't ignore these orders if he wanted to continue working with his friends.

"What do you mean?" the hostess asked.

"Nothing, but the problems were not only caused by Shuusei," Sairi said. "As he had already said, there were many factors. It was not just one side doing the other wrong."

"And you are okay with his decision?" was the next question in direction of the band.

"Yes. Our health is so much more important than our success," said Ria.

"But you collapsed from exhaustion, right? Or are you ill?"

Shuusei tried his best not to sound ennerved. Yes, he was prepared to answer questions to his health but the wording would always make him mad.

"I have problems with anxiety since my childhood," he admitted and took a deep breath. "You know, that's how I started to play the guitar in the first place, it had been part of my therapy at that time. And I still use music to ground myself, when I get the feeling the world's too much for me."

The hostess looked surprised. She hadn't expected such an answer. "I see. Er... But you're over it now?"

Shuusei shook his head. "I think I'll never be 'over it'. It's a part of me and I only can keep it under control. And lately keeping the control has become more and more difficult with all the stress and differences which in the end led to my collapse and it has affected my creative work. So my anxiety was another main reason for quitting the idol life."

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear this. May I ask how it affected your work? You just said you use music to ground yourself."

"I... don't know. It is that thing with anxiety. You simply can't do the things you always do, feel insecure about the stuff you usually do well. Is it good enough? Do I need to work on it more? And then it turns out like crap..."

"It's not that bad!" Ria protested.

"But not as good as it should be." Shuusei was just extremely discontent with everything he did. And he was just looking forward to his holiday trip which he needed to plan soon.

Ria didn't reply to this statement. She knew it was not completely wrong.

"So will you stop making music? What are your plans for the future?"

"I'll regularly play with the band until the end of April and then I'll take care of myself and my inner balance and take a break from work for a few months. And after that I will continue working with these guys and help them with composing and song writing."

"You mean you'll do the main job in these areas!" Ria giggled and Shuusei shrugged. That would happen but he was already looking forward to it. He just had to regain his inspiration until then.

"Yeah."

"So you will completely stop standing on the stage?"

"No, but I don't know how it will exactly look like. I can imagine playing in a bar or restaurant from time to time. Somehow it relaxes me when I stand on stage from time to time, so I won't stop, but it will be much smaller than now." That he already had a certain restaurant in mind he didn't tell. His fans would have to find out by themselves where he intended to play in the future.

"And who knows perhaps there will be a surprise from time to time." Sairi winked. Shuusei at least would be open for short guest appearances to special occasions. He just hoped Takashiro and Kase would be okay with it.

"I see. And have you already found a successor?"

"Not yet." Touko answered. "But we have a few candidates who have good chances."

"What was important to you when you were looking for someone?"

"The most important thing is, that the person would match us," Tsukumo explained. "We are more than just collegues, we spend much of our free time together and play music so the new person has to fit in and get along with all of us. And of course the person has to be able to play the guitar on an at least advanced level."

"So we will have to wait. I thought I could pull some information out of you," the hostess sighed.

"Sorry, we can't tell what we don't know." Touko grinned and the topic changed so that Shuusei was content with his listener's role and only answered questions directed at him. It had been stressful to talk about his anxiety, but perhaps he could raise awareness for the topic.

"You did great!" Hotsuma grinned that night when Shuusei returned home.

"I just want to play my guitar and then go to sleep. I feel so exhausted", Shuusei replied and went to his room to get said instrument.

"Did you eat?" Hotsuma asked always worried about his wellbeing.

"Yes we got a nice dinner. Sorry if you prepared something."

"No problem I've just taken some leftovers home. I will put them into your bento tomorrow."

Shuusei smiled and suddenly felt warm around the heart, just because of Hotsuma's care. "Thank you." He wanted to tell him so much how he felt for his friend but it was impossible, yet. Just another two months until he would be free. "Nee, Hotsuma? Have you ever been on a cruise?" he suddenly asked while he was sitting on his couch and thoughtfully pulled the strings of his guitar.

"On a cruise? No, I've only been on a ferry once from Dover to Calais when we moved to France. Why do you ask?"

"I just wondered... I think I want to go on a cruise when I take my holiday and I want to ask you whether you'd like to accompany me?"

Hotsuma looked at him in surprise. "I... don't know? Where do you wanna go?"

"I don't know, yet. I'll get some travel magazines tomorrow. But I thought about something like Australia or New Zealand. It had been quite nice there and I'd like to see more of it. Or do you have other wishes? I'd just like to go somewhere where I know the language."

Hotsuma nodded."I see... I'll think bout it. And I have to get the time off... I don't know if Fujita-san would like me to leave longer than a day or two..."

"We can ask her next week. We want to celebrate our new member then."

"Who will it be? You were not sure yesterday."

"You'll see. It's still top secret."

"So you do already know?" Hotsuma asked. They had said on TV that they didn't. "Please not the guy Ive seen when I last brought you cookies!" Hotsuma begged. "He seemed so loud I guess he and Sairi wouldn't get along."

"No, don't worry; he is out for a while now." Shuusei pulled a face. He didn't like the person as well.

"But it's a guy?"

"Yup. He's a sweet person. As I said, you'll meet him next week. I'll tell you the exact date tomorrow."