"What's going on, Mel?" Fitz asked as he walked into Mellie's bedroom at her parents' house. They had gotten back from Disney a few hours before, and Fitz hadn't seen her since. She had stayed locked up and hidden in her room since they had gotten home and Fitz couldn't help but wonder why. They had had a great time with their son. She didn't even seem excited to see the twins, which was odd, considering that was almost all that she had talked about while they were on vacation: missing the twins and not being able to wait until they got back so that she could see them.
Mellie didn't look up at him, she just continued staring at the wall, acting as if he hadn't walked in, and as if he hadn't just said something to her. She was pretending like he wasn't there. She couldn't talk to him right now, especially about what was going on. What she was thinking about was only something that one other person knew about, and she wasn't about to tell Fitz. She could never tell Fitz. He would be too ashamed of her.
"Mellie…" Fitz repeated her name and sat on the edge of the bed, looking at his wife. She looked so different, so helpless and motionless. Mellie didn't answer him and he just frowned as he laid down next to her and wrapped his arm around her. If she didn't want to talk, that was fine. But he wanted her to know that he was here for her if need be, if she chose that she did want to talk, that she did want to tell him all about what was going through her head and what was bothering her. He wanted her to know that he was really here, not like how it was before, where he wasn't there for her like he should have been.
"I'm here." He whispered, gently kissing the side of her face. Mellie nodded, responding to him in the only way that she could at the moment; non-verbally. She let out a soft noise and Fitz could tell that she was crying, something that broke his heart in two. He hated it when she cried. He couldn't stand seeing his wife, or his children, crying. It physically pained him to see them crying, especially Mellie, who was always so strong and well put together.
After a few minutes, Mellie sat up and looked at him, her face swollen and her eyes bright red. "Do you…Do you wanna hear?" She asked reluctantly, and Fitz nodded, knowing that if he didn't listen now, she might never want to talk about it again. So he knew that this was his only chance to hear about what was truly going on with her. It took her a few seconds before she started speaking. "Years ago…After I had Jerry, after your father…did that to me," she took a deep breath and looked down at her feet. "I wanted to get out. I wanted to rid you of the burden of having me in your life, or having to have me holding you down and keeping you from your goals…" She frowned. "Because at that moment in time, that's what I was. I was a burden. I was not helping you because I was depressed. I was holding back and keeping secrets and I was doing exactly what you told me years ago…I was denying you love and I wasn't letting you touch me."
Fitz listened as she continued talking to him. "I wanted to escape the labyrinth of suffering. I wanted to die. And I almost did. If it wasn't for Andrew…If it wasn't for him working late that night, you would've found me the next morning. You would have come into your office and you would've tripped over your dead wife's body on your carpet…And to be honest with you that probably would have been so much simpler for you. It would have been so much easier to just deal with my death than to have to deal with me for all of these years, than to have to deal with having an affair and our terrible relationship and all of our fighting…" She frowned. "You could have had a normal relationship with Olivia Pope and you would've had Jerry and you wouldn't have been burdened with me or with four other children that were with a woman that you despised." Mellie paused and sighed, but she wasn't completely finished talking yet.
"That would've been so much easier on you, Fitz…And every year, on the same date, that's all I can think about…That your life would be so much easier without me."
Fitz couldn't help but tear up at all of the information that his wife was telling him. He couldn't believe what she was saying. He took a deep breath and pulled her into his arms, holding her tight. "Mels…" He whispered, sighing as he wiped her tears away. "Don't you ever think that. You are not a burden to me, and I don't despise you. I never have. And our children are not burdens either. I love our children." He kissed her forehead. "I had a weak moment. You know that. But I've never despised you and I've never regretted the five amazing miracles that we created, that we made. And I would never, and yes, I realize this now, I would never want children with another woman."
He ran his hand through her dark curls and looked into her eyes. "I'm glad he found you. Because you're wrong, Mellie. My life would be so hard and so terrible without you. I love you so much and I would hate to be without you." He tilted her head back and softly kissed her lips. "Mellie, I love you. Why didn't you ever tell me?"
"Because I was ashamed. I was ashamed to the point where I didn't want to tell anyone about it…" She took a deep breath. "That's something that you don't brag about Fitz. You don't mention it if you make it through that."
Fitz nodded. "How did you make it through? How did you put up with that feeling for all those years without talking to anyone about it?"
"I forgave him. I forgave Big Jerry. I didn't try to rationalize it or to justify it. I just forgave him for what he did to me. And that helped. And I tried to forgive you. Which I didn't end up doing until recently, because until recently, I only blamed myself for everything. I never believed that anything that had happened, the way you treated me, the affair…I never believed that any of that was your fault. I always thought of it as my own. But then I finally realized that you were to blame for some of it…And so was your father. It wasn't all me. And of course, you helped me realize that."
"Are you over it? Or do you still have feelings where you want to get out and die?" Fitz asked as he held the broken woman in his arms.
Mellie just shook her head. "No…I've got it now. I'm fine now. It was only recently that I've been completely over it and haven't had thoughts like that in the past few months."
"What happened? Why did it stop all of a sudden?" He asked, curious.
Mellie expressed her answer simply. "The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive."