Chapter 20
Enson watched the sleeping Heero's chest rise up and down, looking for signs of peaceful, dreamless sleep. He sighed, and ran his hands through his white hair, still untouched by bolding, and wrinkled his mustache. For a moment Enson allowed his feelings of being overwhelmed to tumble over him as he collapsed into his easy chair in the corner of the room.
Enson wasn't sure he could be everything Heero needed, and he wasn't sure he was strong enough. Just being in that bar last night had been more of a struggle than Enson hoped. Not just because of his own history with alcohol, but also because he hadn't wanted to be right. He had fallen into the same trap Quatre and the others had; Enson had expected Heero to be a hero, to rise unchained from the grasp of addiction. Enson understood he had been a fool, and hated himself for it. He also felt, though unjustly he decided, angry at Heero for proving him wrong.
Goddamnit, Tristan. I need to talk to you. How did you do this for me? I need you. Tristan had passed on five years ago. His leaving left a hole in Enson's heart that lingered with him until. . . until Heero. Maybe I am not the father Heero needs, but I'm the one he's got. I have to make that enough.
Heero blinked away light that was too bright. He turned his head away, but sunlight lit the room wherever he looked. Sunlight. Daylight. Morning. Heero groaned, knowing his troubled sleep was over, and shifted his body upright. His body objected to movement, but he commanded to be calm as he fell back against the pillows. But these pillows were not his pillows. This bed was not his own bed. Fuck him Heero raged silently, as memory returned from the night before. Fuck him and his do-gooder bullshit. Fuck. Him.
Heero pushed himself back off the pillows, and pulled himself out of bed with a surprising amount of grace. He was determined to let none of his discomfort show. He was the goddamn perfect soldier, and he would show that. Settling into this well worn identity, Heero felt more in control of himself, felt more like himself than he had since the others asked him to be human. His drinking binge had been a shedding of the expectation to be sober, to be healed, to be together. He was a soldier, and a goddamn good one. Being 'put together' wasn't necessary to complete missions.
Heero felt a kind of superiority above this 'humanity' bullshit, stronger than any hang-over. He felt finished trying to prove anything to the others. He didn't want to pretend to be alright, and he did not want to fall apart in front of them anymore. He was done.
A plan of action formed in his mind as he pulled on his shoes, left beside the bed for him. As soon as work with Enson was done, he would message Une for a field assignment far away from here. In the colonies, yes, the colonies. I will be better immersed in work. He would get back to what he was good at, and die in the line of duty as was always his plan. The perfect ending for a soldier. An ending that Heero anticipated happening, sooner rather than later.
As Heero made the bed, not allowing for a single wrinkle to show, he carefully ignored a lingering sense that he was running away. He pushed down the reminder that he had stopped being perfect because he wasn't able to anymore. It hadn't been hid choice.
"Going somewhere?" Enson asked from the doorway.
"To work" Heero said automatically. "We shouldn't fall behind."
"How do you feel? Can you work?"
"Of course I can. That is not a question."
"Then why are you shaking?"
"I am not" Heero answered blandly, and his body's tremor ceased. He hadn't known he was shaking.
"Heero" Enson began, changing his tone to seriousness. "Do you have any idea how long you were sleeping for?"
"Yes. . ." Heero answered, with a hint of a question in his voice.
"The night I came and found you was two days ago. You've woken up since, but you were still pretty hammered, so I am not surprised you don't remember. You also weren't awake for long."
"I don't believe you."
"Goddamnit man, check what day it is! I have no reason to lie about this, and every reason to tell the truth."
Heero made to push past Enson, but the man stood firmly in the doorway.
Growling in frustrations Heero looked into Enson's sparkling eyes and said, "Do you want help in the garage or not?"
"You cannot walk away from this, you cannot run away, Heero. I will not let you."
"Let me?! You have no say over my choices, old man. This is not a fight you get to insert yourself in. You have no right."
"No right? Then do it yourself. Make the choice not to run away. Again. If you leave, I will be here when you come back. Duo, Trowa, Quatre, Wufei, Sally, Zechs, Noin, Relena, and Dorothy will all still be here when you come back. Then this whole thing will begin again. But it will be harder that time around. It will be harder to start from the beginning again. How much more time do you want to waste before you allow healing in your life?"
"You are assuming you know me" Heero said icily.
"Am I? What, do you plan on going to kill yourself again?" Enson countered, exacerbated.
Heero didn't answer, and, in spite of himself, he turned his gaze away to not meet Enson's eyes.
"You've done this already, and in the depths of suicide you found out something valuable - not all of you wants to die. Not all of you is willing to let yourself run away. Not all of you will choose to abort this mission. Not all of you is a coward" Enson finished quietly.
"COWARD?!" Heero raged. "Of all things, I AM NOT A COWARD!"
"Then stop choosing to act like one!" Enson countered, "Be brave. Don't run away from us in fear of our reactions, our concerns, and our caring. Stay. You stopped being a child long ago. I mourn that loss for you, and am disgusted by what happened to you, AND now is not the time to revert to being a child. You have been a casualty of the war who survived it anyway. You are still surviving. Leave the battlefield and come home. Duo is waiting for you. I am waiting for you. All these people who care about you, who seek your friendship, are waiting for you. Come home from the war. Show the most courage you have ever done in your life, and choose to come home" Enson finished, and heaved a sigh.
Silence fell, other than Heero's heavy breathing as he shifted in and out of anger towards himself, and towards his supposed friends. He was furious. He was livid. After everything I have given this world, why do I have to give more?! Why wasn't it enough? Why can't I just be done? I want so badly to be done. I am not a coward. I cannot be a coward. I refuse. So then. . . what?
"May I work today?" Heero said finally, "I would like to work today."
"Yes, Heero. We have a lot of work to do, today."
"Thank you."
The sun cast rays of light through the open garage doors, flecks of dust dancing, as the day passed on. Sweat dripped into Heero's eyes, and down the length of Enson's back as the labored in the surprisingly warm winter day. Mechanically they stopped for lunch. Reading tiredness in Enson, Heero wordlessly volunteered to make their sandwiches. He made nothing fancy - shadows of the ones Enson always made for lunch - two thin slices of brown bread, with meat, cheese, lettuce, tomato crammed in between them, accompanied by glasses of water. Coming out from the kitchen carrying two plates, Heero walked over to Enson, reclining on one of the hard wooden chairs.
"You make the chair look comfortable" Heero said.
"Do I? Yes. If you are tired enough, anything feels like a feather pillow."
"Feather pillows are too soft, but I understand what you mean, I think".
Taking up the wooden chair next to Enson, the two ate their sandwiches in comfortable silence.
Standing up to return to work Heero said, "you should be done for the day. I can manage what's left".
"And give in to feeling old? Nonsense. This is my work, and I will do it, groaning if I have to, until I really am old. I have many years to go. Thank you, though, son".
Heero shrugged, and returned to his own work. They took their time with the remaining repairs, enjoying each other's company. Still, the work was finished, and the garage cleaned meticulously by 4:30pm. Out of things to occupy himself, Heero looked at Enson, a little uncertainly.
"We're too good at what we do. There are bound to be days we finish early. Are you going to be ok to go home now?"
"Yes."
"And if you leave here, you will go home?"
Heero scowled, and answered, "yes".
"Then now is as good of a time as any to go."
"Yes."
"Are you worried about going home, Heero?"
"I don't know."
"Do you want to stay here for awhile longer?"
"I don't know. No. I'll go. Sleep tonight, ok?"
"Haha, yes, I certainly will. Goodnight, Heero."
The unnatural warmth of the day had cooled as Heero pulled on his leather jacket, and climbed on to his motorcycle. He thought about taking a longer way home, but knew that his procrastination would only increase the potential for him to not make it there. A heavy and sick numb feeling sunk into him, planting seeds of shame. Seeing Duo, and hurting Duo made him slip a couple nights before. Now his fear of seeing Duo was surrounded by the weight of his shame for drinking, and his shame at realizing he had again been a coward. The weight would have forced him through the sidewalk, except for the thin blanket of numb it wore.
In that numb he parked his motorcycle, and walked to the front door of Quatre's mansion, of home. He stood there in the dying evening light, hand on the doorknob, frozen, tense, afraid. Voices from inside the house roused his, after an unknown amount of time. Swallowing he twisted the knob, and the door swung open, all too willingly on its well oiled hinges.
As if fate decreed the inevitable was postponed long enough, it was Duo coming down the stairs, when Heero walked in. Duo couldn't have been home for long, and as per his ritual had probably just gone upstairs to change into baggy clothes that Une had previously deemed "not acceptable to be worn by an officer of his standing".
As most do, Duo turned his head towards the noise of the opening door, and saw a haggard Heero framed there. Duo froze in his steps for just a moment before stronger emotions won out, and he tumbled down the stairs towards Heero, slamming into him in a tackle hug. Having destroyed himself with shame induced thought-loops of his own, Duo needed, more than anything, to touch Heero, to hold him, to know Heero was not lost to him.
Quatre watched from the top of the stairs as the stiff figure of Heero navigated Duo's over exuberance, thinking how much they had both grown for their Gundam pilot selves in the wars. Heero had come back, and Duo had learned to forgive. Hungry, and tired himself Quatre proceeded down the stairs and to the dining room, sure that Duo and Heero would come when they were ready.
"God, you're okay. You're okay. Aren't you? Are you okay, Heero?"
"Yes."
"I just. . . oh God Heero. . ." Duo lost words and buried his face in Heero's shoulder, letting the tight muscles underneath confirm that Heero had come home.
Waiting for a long as he could stand, Heero carefully pulled away from Duo, and said quietly, "I fucked up".
"I know. I mean, we figured, we worried, and the Enson told us-"
"No. Yes, I did that, too. But I am not talking about that. I fucked up with you, Duo."
"Oh. . ."
"I was doing what made sense to me. I was trying to take your feelings seriously in my decision."
"'Ro, I know. I was pissed off, I over reacted and -"
"Wait. Please. We both fucked up, but that's also not the point. I am trying to explain something to you" Heero said, slightly agitated. He hadn't planned to be interrupted so much during all the times he had rehearsed what to say to Duo. "I fucked up because I made the mistake of making a choice about us by myself. You framed it as my choice, but my mistake was allowing it to be. It is not my choice. It is our choice. It has to be our choice."
"Oh" was all Duo could say again, processing Heero's words.
Exhaustion sunk in, and suddenly standing upright felt like a struggle. Speaking so many personal words drained him. Heero forced himself to stand a little taller, knowing he was almost done with what he needed to say. "I don't have an answer for you, Duo. You are asking me to commit to staying. That is something I have never done. How can I know if I will? I don't know. The choice I made was me trying to know for you, because I understand this is important. I am. . ." at this Heero's throat closed up, and stomach churned. He was almost there and yet these last words would not come to him. His frustration blazed into anger and he slammed his fist into the door frame was he still standing in.
Duo gasped, genuinely surprised, but didn't move forward to stop him. He didn't touch Heero. Is saying these things so hard for him?
Rather than clearing Heero's head, punching the wall just invited the emotional spiral to deepen. In a moment he would begin shaking, and he didn't know how to stop it. There are just a few more words, he raged at himself, just a a few more fucking words. SAY THEM!
"I. am. concerned. that. I. am. not. capable. of. making. you. a. promise. even. if. I. should. want. to. . . do. want. to," Heero said haltingly, and then gave into the battle in his mind and slid down the wall, landing with a small thud on the entryway floor.
The room was spinning, and only the cold tile underneath him signified up from down. He blinked over and over again to orient himself, and then finally settled on closing his eyes altogether. The weight of being this weak still infuriated him, that emotions and words could render him so. . . this. . . and he could also not argue that talking this way was pushing a limit in him, a limit that sometimes won, a limit that didn't always respond to being pushed. . . a limit that defeats him. In all my training, how have I become so defective? Without knowing it I accepting perfect in one way, in exchange for being defective in another. . . what's wrong with me?
Duo slid down next to Heero, unsure whether or not to touch him. "You came back this time" Duo said carefully, "This time you came back."
When Heero didn't respond Duo continued, "You are right, Heero. We have a situation here, and it was a mistake to put it on you to solve it. I am sorry. Let's leave it alone for tonight, okay?"
Heero told himself to nod, but his head didn't respond. He wanted to get a hold of himself. He needed to be okay. He didn't want to need Duo to help him. He needed to be okay. He was stuck. He'd be fine if the room would just stop spinning so much.
"Ok" Heero finally said.
"What do you need? Can I help? Do you want me to leave you alone?"
"Please. Sorry."
"No need, 'Ro. I'll just go to dinner, and see you in a bit. And 'Ro? Thanks. I needed to hear that."
Heero waited and waited and waited. Eventually the heavy weight on his chest began to ease, and the floor and ceiling settled into their proper places. Alright. Alright. Now I just have to figure out how to do that on command. With an internal groan Heero got to his feet. Briefly he thought about going to dinner, but then dismissed the idea and made his way up the very long staircase to his room. Collapsing on his bed, fully clothed, Heero gave into the oblivion of sleep.
"Anyone up for a movie?" Duo asked good naturally to the dinner table. He wanted to feel like his 'old self' again, and most of him did, now that Heero was home.
"I wouldn't mind one, if you will agree on a worthwhile movie rather than your usual trash" Wufei supplied, "Sally?"
"I could stay for little while, if it means I get you on the couch with me" Sally answered with a wink.
Quatre, looking a little green said, "No thank you for me. It's been extra stressful with the company the last couple days, and tomorrow will be more of the same. A good night sleep is the only way I can imagine facing it."
"The weekends' coming, Q-man! Don't give up!"
"I won't" Quatre replied, with a tired smile.
"Trowa?"
"Do you want to be snuggled to sleep, Quatre?"
"No, I'm fine. I think I'll fall asleep too fast for much snuggling."
"Alright. Then I will join you also, Duo."
"SWEET!" Duo exclaimed, feeling genuinely happy. "Let's go agree on something, Wuffers!" Duo said, making for the stairs.
"MAXWELL! You KNOW I dislike that disrespectful nick name!" he bellowed, following Duo.
Sally smiled, "That's my man. Let me help you clean up, Rashid. I'll let them duke out this fight on their own."
"I'll help, too" Trowa said, also smiling. "To bed Little One?"
"Alright. Goodnight, Tro" Quatre said with a yawn. Standing on tip toes he kissed Trowa before walking up the stairs himself. Peaking into Heero's room Quatre saw him breathing the deep breath of sleep. Yawning again, Quatre went to his room, hoping for deep sleep of his own.