Chapter 20
The first thing I wanted to find out in counseling is where English was the whole time she was gone. I didn't ask her where she went when she came back because I thought she'd eventually tell me but she never did so I wanted to find out where she was. The second thing I wanted to know is why she came back. What motivated her to do so? I also wanted to know why she didn't contact us during the time she was gone. It angered me to a degree because the twins were suffering because they didn't understand the dynamics of what was going on and the least she could have done was call. She didn't have to talk to me. She should have called them to assure them that she loved them and that it wasn't their fault that she left. Those were my basic issues that I wanted to explore with her.
I knew the basic issue with her was sex. So whilst sitting in the ashes, I made notes of what I wanted to discuss in the next session with Terry. I couldn't help but feel that English was doing the same. Later on that week, we went to see Terry. He asked English what she wanted to work on and course the first words out of her mouth were "our sex lives." Terry asked her if it had improved at all and she said "Are you kidding me? He will not have unprotected sex with me." Terry then asked her if we were having sex at all and she replied "Hell no! Mike's got it in his stubborn head that we now need to be married before he'll have sex with me." Terry looked at me sort of surprised and said "What the hell brought that on Mike?" and before I could answer English said "Another excuse not to be intimate with me" and Terry said to her very patiently "Levi I asked Mike. Please allow him to answer." I said "Thank you Terry. The reason is simple. Now that the boys are older, I'm worried about what kind of example we are setting. I know it sounds kind of ridiculous because of the living situation but I didn't want to set the wrong example for the twins." Terry cautiously said "OK so if you don't want to set a bad example, do you have any plan on marrying her?" and I answered "Eventually. We have a lot to work out in the meantime." English then said "How the hell can we work out anything when you won't meet me half way?" and I said "I know." Then said "If you know, then why the f*** won't you do anything about it?" and I told her "Because there are times when I am really motivated and other times I'm not." Terry asked me if I could see having sex with her in the "foreseeable future" and I told that I could as long as there was a condom involved.
English then had an idea. She said since I insisted on using a condom and she knew I didn't want any more children, she asked me if I would consider "getting neutered." My instinctive reaction to that was "Ouch!" but after thinking it over I replied "I never gave that option a thought. I can do that." Terry said he thought under the circumstances it was "a step in the right direction." I told him I thought it was a reasonable suggestion. English seemed pleased that I was actually going to take one of her suggestions. I told her that I would talk to Doc Brackett about getting it done in a timely fashion and I was being totally truthful with her when I said that. I figured that was going to help ease alot of the tension between us plus I wouldn't have to use a condom after I got "snipped" and we could make love probably as often as she wanted us to after that. And we wouldn't have to worry about her getting pregnant or pulling any of her tricks on me to get pregnant. It would be such a relief to be able to go that route.
Deep down inside, I was dying to "get inside her" but I just could not tell her that at the time. I would tell her that after I got "snipped." I saw it as a reasonable suggestion. And I would follow through with it. Gladly. I wasn't too proud to do that. I knew she couldn't get "spayed" because she was too young and didn't have many health problems so there wasn't anyway they were going to justify that sort of thing which was understandable.
As soon as we got home after the session, I called Doc Brackett and he told me that wasn't "his specialty" but he would refer me to someone who did do that on a regular basis and had his every confidence. I was fine with that.
Dr. Phil Stone is who he referred me to and I made an appointment for the following week. Goodbye manhood but it was for the best. I just didn't want to risk bringing another damaged child into the world. There would be no justifying it. At all.
TBC