Chapter 19: Little Miss Time Bomb

Rory's POV

You know the moment right before something really bad happens? When you realize you've been unconsciously holding your breath and nothing feels real? Well the last two weeks have been a constant loop of those moments.
Since being released from the hospital with the diagnosis of Depression and a recommendation to see a therapist - everyone around me has been walking on egg shells, holding their breath for the moment I fall apart again. My Mom had begun to, what I'm sure she would describe as discreetly, hover for the first time in my life. And either she simply doesn't care or she doesn't realize that I'm fully aware of the fact that there has been somebody by my side from when I wake up to when I go to sleep.
My Dad came home the day after I did, but after getting the cold shoulder from my Mother, another spontaneous work trip came up and after that - some big case at work that had him sleeping in his office most nights.
Colin has taken up residence in the guest bedroom down the hall. He says it's because it's easier for him to keep being suspended from his parent's, but I know that it's really because he thinks I'm going to pull a Houdini and disappear in the middle of the night.

'Hey Red you ready? Oh Rory come on it's our first day back and you're not even dressed yet?'

I ground my teeth at the nickname and clicked the off button on my curling iron. I didn't bother to look at Colin sulking in the bathroom doorway; instead I picked up a comb and pulled my bangs back. I spoke through clenched teeth while picking up a few hair pins.

'I've told you about calling me that.'
'Right, sorry. Carmen made eggs.'
'Ugh, I'm too nervous to eat.'
'We've been over this, nobody knows anything. I've been out too.'
'Yea but everybody knows why. You're out for two weeks and you're a bad ass … me, I'm pregnant or had a nervous breakdown or something.'
'What, would you rather they know the truth?'
'No but'
'Then stop whining. Come on I'm hungry.'
'Then go! I'm perfectly capable of getting down the stairs without a chaperone.'

I tossed my comb on the counter and shoved past him, knocking him against the wall. He mumbled something I didn't understand before calmly following me back to my room. I fell with a sigh onto my bed and found him leaning against my door rubbing his arm. His smile was tight, forced.

'That hurt.'

I forced a smile of my own onto my face.

'I'm sorry.'
'Right. Just get dressed. I'll be in my room when you're ready.'

Without noticing how his words affected me he walked away. It wasn't the first time he had said something like that. I don't know if he even realizes when he does it but in those moments the wind is knocked out of when I'm suddenly very aware of just how much he sounds like Chris. Maybe it's in my head because nobody else seems affected by it at all. I wiped my eyes quickly and took a deep breath, I could not fall apart right now – if somebody saw me crying I'd be stuck in this house for another week.

'Knock knock.'

Tristan stood smiling in the doorway, slowly the smile shifted and worry clouded his eyes. Quietly he shut the door.

'What's wrong?'

He took two steps toward me and without thinking I jumped to my feet.

'Nothing.'

Not daring to look back at him I walked into my closet.

'Rory.'

Out of sight I closed my eyes and waited for the heavy feeling in my chest to pass. When I realized it wasn't going to go away I sunk to the floor and put my head between my knees. Tristan kneed in front of me; he held my hand with one hand while the other rubbed my back.

'It's alright just breathe.'

I took a deep shaky breath and he tucked a curl behind my ear.

'It's ok.'

I'd had my first panic attack in front of him after talking to Doctor Ramsey the day I was released. My Mother had stepped out to call my Dad so we were all alone. Being that he had no idea what was happening he'd panicked, but after I explained to him that I'd been getting them for awhile, he calmed down and asked what it was he could do to help. They had become more frequent over the last two weeks though and he knew how afraid I was that if my Mom found out just how frequent, she'd never let me out of her sight again, so he promised me he'd only tell her half of the time.
I took slow deep breaths and after a while the pounding slowed and I was left with a queasy feeling in my stomach. Tristan rubbed the back of his hand across my cheek then got up and left the closet, when he returned he had the bottle of Ginger ale that had been on my bed side table, in his hand. He twisted the cap off and squatted in front of me, it was a moment before I felt ok enough to chance a sip.

'You ok?'
'Yea.'
'What happened?'
'Nothing.'
'Rory.'

I paused before turning away from his concerned eyes.

'He called it his room.'

He didn't respond right away, I took another drink and handed it to him. He rose to his feet and held his hand out to me.

'You need to talk to him.'
'I can't.'
'I can do it, if you want.'

I leaned my head against his chest and he wrapped his arms around me. We hadn't talked about the day in the hospital so I was constantly waiting for things to be awkward between us but they weren't. He was still the same Tristan he was before everything happened … he was still my sanctuary from everything bad.

'What would you say?'
'What you told me.'
'It'll hurt his feelings.'
'I'm not as worried about him as I am you.'
'I'll be fine. My Aunt wants him home Friday.'

I pulled away from him and grabbed my skirt and shirt from their hangers. When I started to take my tank top off he lifted his hand to his chin and tilted his head to the side, rolling my eyes I motioned for him to turn around. When I was sure he couldn't see me, I pulled my top over my head.

'How come?'
'Because he lives two blocks from here! There's no sane rationality for him still being here.'
'Ror, come on you know why he's here.'
'Because I'm a pill popping nut case whose going to go off the deep end if I don't have somebody watching my every move? I'm surprised they haven't asked me to leave the freaking balcony doors open, so you can watch me when they can't.'
'Well I suggested it but the nays won.'

I could hear the smirk in his voice and I had to laugh.

'You can turn around.'
'So you're just going to stick it out until Friday?'
'Yep.'
'Are you sure that's the best choice? I mean isn't that how all of this started? You not telling people how you feel.'

I wanted to be angry with him but I knew he was right. With a slight nod I walked out of the closet.

Chilton

The bell hadn't even rung and already I was wishing I were back in my bed. Everybody was whispering and staring, when I was unlucky enough to make eye contact with somebody they would smile and tell me how much they missed me and then immediately ask where I'd been. The one good thing about having been lying to everybody for so long is that I'd become an expert at making people believe what I wanted them to believe. The official story was that I had met my parent's in Paris and had spent the last two weeks shopping and sitting in cafes reading Voltaire. It was a plausible story seeing as how today was the first time I had been seen by anyone other then Tristan. I hadn't been able to see any of my friends since leaving the hospital because truthfully I was grounded, but it helped our story too.

'If one more person asks me how far along I am, I'm going to gouge their eye's out.'

Tristan and Colin looked at each other cautiously but remained silent as I yanked my locker open and none to gently tossed my sun glasses and make up bag inside. Though Tristan had been on my nerves least of all the last two weeks, the little looks they thought went unnoticed were grating on my nerves.

'What?'
'Nothing.'

As if their simultaneous reply wasn't bad enough, things were made worse when I glanced at the mirror hanging on the locker door and found Coopers face smirking at me from behind us.

'Great the freaking cherry to my Sunday. What do you want?'
'My my, aren't we hormonal today.'

Both Colin and Tristan moved forward at the same time but I stepped in front of them.

'Are you seriously trying to get your ass kicked - again?'

He squared his shoulders and glanced behind me at Colin, in what seemed to be an unconscious movement he scratched the side of his eye.

'What do you want Cooper?'

Almost instantly his smirk was back in place. He leaned in toward me and glanced meaningfully at my stomach.

'I just wanted to say congrats. I hear you've gone and taken a page out of the Lorelai Gilmore's book of mistakes.'

With the last word his eye's returned once again to mine, ever so slightly his chin jutted forward as if I needed the clarification that he meant me. Though I tried to fight against it, his words stung. I hadn't been called a mistake since junior high. The story of mine and Chris's conception was the story nanny's told their bosses kids when they asked about sex. My Mom got pregnant at sixteen, ran away with us until we were four and a year after we showed up at my grandparent's house she married my Dad.
I was beyond grateful he was smart enough to say it low enough for only me to hear. I tried my best to stand my ground but in the end I wavered.

'You should go.'
'Baby!'

Simultaneously we all looked in the same direction. Summer smiled at Cooper and bit her lower lip.

'I've been looking everywhere for you.'

She pressed her entire body against his and slowly backed him up against the lockers.

'Oh you've got to be kidding me.'

I wanted to laugh, but the sight of the two of them was to disturbing. She gave me a quick glance, smirked, then smashed herself against him and stuck her tongue down his throat.

'Hey what are we looking at?'

Louise came to an abrupt halt beside me.

'Ewe.'
'I know but you just can't'

I tilted my head to the side.

'It's like watching the nature channel; you know when the hyenas tear apart their prey? You're disgusted by it, and you want to change the channel but you just can't.'

Summer ground herself even closer to him and he let out a moan. They pulled away from one another and disgusted, I turned to Louise.

'I think I'm going to be sick.'

Summer let out a low awe.

'That pesky morning sickness getting to you? You know you can go down to the Planned Parenthood; they'll give you something to take care of that. '

Before I could turn back to respond Louise stepped forward.

'You've got them on speed dial don't you? Maybe if she drops you're name she can get the VIP treatment, I mean it's got to be like knowing a celebrity around there right?'

She huffed and stepped towards Louise.

'Well maybe I should just tell'
'Tsk tsk tsk.'

Colin shook his head at her.

'Now we wouldn't want to go saying something that's going to get Daddy angry with us would we?'

Her mouth snapped shut and with another huff she stomped away, after a confused pause Cooper followed her. I turned to Louise and smiled, she was the first person I was actually happy to see.

'Thank you.'
'No problem R.G you know I've always got you're back.'

Without warning she wrapped her arms around me and squeezed.

'I missed you.'
'I missed you too.'
'Hey what about me? Don't I get a hug?'

Colin smiled hopefully at her and held his arms open. She gave him a hesitant smile and a quick side hug. When she quickly moved away and to her locker his sigh was audible. They hadn't talked since the hospital. I'm still not completely clear on what exactly happened, all I know is that it has something to do with the stupid 'no strings' thing they had been doing.

'I'm going to class, I'll meet you back here right after.'

I rolled my eyes but let him go. Tristan leaned against the locker beside mine and stared at me.

'What?'
'You ok?'
'Yea, why wouldn't I be?'
'Cooper. Summer. Cooper and Summer.'

For the first time in what felt like forever, I laughed. He seemed just as surprised by it then I did.

'Wow. A laugh.'

I covered my mouth.

'I've missed that sound.'

After a beat I dropped my hand and smiled.

'Me to.'
'So you're good?'
'I'm ace's baby.'

He gave me a cautious look before laughing.

'I'll see you later?'
'What, no set time to check in? What would Sergeant McCrea think?'
'Funny girl with the jokes.'

With another cautious look he smiled and walked away. As I shut my locker I glanced at Paris`, chewing on my cheek I walked across the hall to Louise who was touching up her lip gloss. She gave me a side ways glance.

'What's wrong?'
'I was just thinking.'
'About?'
'Paris.'
'The ice Queen still freezing you out?'
'Don't call her that … I deserve it. I lied to her and stole from her.'
'You made a mistake. You're human. It's not a valid reason for cutting you out.'
'What about you?'
'What about me?'

She closed her locker and leaned back against it.

'Colin.'
'I don't want to talk about that.'

A sad look flashed across her face and she looked down at the floor.

'I told you when I caught you guy's that I didn't want to be put in the middle when it ended badly.'
'I'm not putting you in the middle.'
'I know. I am. What happened?'
'Nothing.'
'Louise.'
'I … wanted to be with him.'
'And?'
'He want's somebody else.'

This new information was a surprise to me … I'd honestly thought that it had been the other way around.

'Who?'

She looked up at me with sadness in her eyes then the sound of an opening locker drew her gaze back across the hall to where Paris stood. Just as quickly as she looked at her, her attention returned to the floor. Paris shut her locker door and turned around, sadness was evident in her eyes as she looked from me to Louise and back before leaving in the direction of her first period class. I looked to Louise in confusion as she played with the silver bangles on her wrist.

'Paris?'

She didn't say anything.

'No. That's insane, she's with Sean.'
'Was.'
'What?'
'He broke up with her last week.'
'What? Why?'
'Why do you think?'

She pushed away from her locker.

'I've got to get to class .. I'll see you at lunch.'

With a small smile she walked away, leaving me completely confused.

'Hey.'

Paris looked up from her books and I knew she'd been crying. I had been looking for her for nearly ten minutes before giving up. The constant stares all day and the gossip had me skipping the lunch room and searching for a quiet deserted place to study. Apparently we had the same idea because that's where I found her, sitting in the back stacks of the library reading a book.
I pulled a pack of tissues from the pocket of my sweater that I had tied around my waist and held them out to her. She hesitated for a moment before taking them.

'Thanks.'
'Yea.'

I sat down across from her, crossing my legs under me. She sniffed and exhaled a heavy breath.

'What are you doing back here?'
'People suck.'

With a short nod she laughed.

'Yea tell me about it.'

I didn't really know if her words were meant for me or Sean but either way they stung.

'Paris, I'm sorry.'
'Is that supposed to make me forget that you tried to kill yourself with pills you stole from me?'
'I didn't try to – I was drunk and it was an accident.'
'Rory I've seen you completely wasted, you're the only person I know whose capable of rational thinking when they can barley stand up straight. You may have everyone else fooled but don't sit there and lie to me again.'

I inhaled a deep breath and exhaled slowly.

'No lying?'
'If you can manage it.'
'I'm not sure it was an accident.'
'What does that mean?'
'I did think about it but I couldn't remember when the last time I'd taken them was ... so I figured it would be ok. But now I'm wondering if maybe I was trying to …'

Her eyes were filled with tears and my own slid down my cheeks.

'Did you tell the doctor?'
'No.'
'Why not?'
'They would have committed me.'
'Rory if you have to wonder … then maybe what you need right now is somebody to be watching you.'
'Oh trust me, lack of supervision isn't really an issue for me lately. Colin's become my second shadow.'

Like Louise earlier that day, her gaze shifted down at the mention of my cousin.

'Where does he think you are now?'
'I don't know.'
'Won't he freak out?'

She was right. I pulled my cell out of my pocket and sent him a text telling him where I was. When I tossed my phone on the floor beside her leg I caught a glimpse of the initials CMC beneath a drawing on her cast.

'So I heard about you and Sean. I'm really sorry.'
'Louise told you?'
'Yea. That's not all though … she said that it was because of Colin.'

Her lack of response gave me my answer.

'When did that happen?'
'I don't know.'

She wiped her cheek with the back of her hand.

'Everything's all screwed up. Sean's not talking to me - Louise either. And you … I feel like I'm all alone.'

Her voice broke and she continued to cry. I moved across the isle to sit beside her and wrapped my arm around her shoulders. I leaned my head against hers.

'No matter what happens or how upset we get with each other … you're always my best friend. And you're never alone.'
'What the hell Rory?'

We both looked up at the sound of a pissed off Colin and found both him and Tristan breathing heavily – obviously they had ran from wherever it was they were. Paris averted her gaze and sat up straight.

'We've been looking everywhere for you.'
'I'm sorry.'
'Do you ever think of anybody besides yourself? I thought you were out'
'I said I'm sorry.'
'That's not good enough.'

I looked to Tristan pleadingly and he put a hand on Colin's shoulder.

'Calm down man. She told you where she was and she's fine.'

He moved around Colin and squatted in front of us. He touched my cheek with the back of his hand. The worry that was still in his eyes had a whole new wave of guilt washing over me.
After a moment he turned his attention to Paris and picked up the pack of tissue I had given her. Pulling one from the pack he caught her gaze and held it out to her.

'You ok?'
'Yea.'
'I'm here.'

'I know.'

Just realizing that Paris was crying, Colin's entire posture changed.

'What's wrong?'

Tristan stood up and he held his hand out to me.

'Let's go get something to eat before the bell rings.'

Obviously he was hinting for us to leave them alone. I looked to Paris whose eyes were pleading. I turned back to Tristan and Colin and shook my head.

'No I'm going to stay here with Paris and study. I've got a lot to catch up on. You guy's go ahead.'

Tristan cocked an eyebrow and nodded before pulling a reluctant Colin away.

'Thank you. I don't know what I would've said.'
'No problem.'
'So since when do you and the Prince of sloth make with the googly eyes?'
'What googly eyes? There was no googly eyes'

I couldn't help but laugh. She rolled her eyes.

'There was definite googly action going on.'
'Stop saying googly.'
'So?'

With a sigh and a shrug I played with the buckle on my shoe.

'When I was in the hospital he told me he loves me.'
'And?'

Confused I shook my head.

'And? That's it? I just told you that Tristan said he has feelings for me.'
'I heard you.'
'Well you don't seem surprised.'
'I don't? Hmm that's strange.'

My eyes narrowed when she refused to look me in the eyes.

'No way.'

I could feel the heat feeling my cheeks. I shook my head in disbelief.

'You knew?'
'No.'

Still she refused to look at me.

'Yes you did! And you didn't tell me. Why didn't you tell me?'
'I told him I wouldn't.'
'So what? I still would have told you!'
'What happened after he told you?'

I glared at her for a second then pulled my bottom lip between my teeth.

'I kissed him.'

A smile spread across her face and I could tell she was forcing back the urge to sequel.

'And?'
'And nothing, that's it.'
'What do you mean that's it? Are you guy's together now?'
'We haven't talked about it.'
'Why?'
'I think he's giving me time. I mean things are still so insane and I don't know if I could handle any more change right now.'
'Rory.'

There was a scolding tone in her voice.

'What?'
'Don't hurt him.'
'I'm not.'
'But you will if you lead him on.'
'I'm not doing anything.'
'Not yet.'
'What does that mean?'

I couldn't help but be offended by the implication. Who was she to say that I would definitely hurt him.

'Just that if you let yourself think about it to much, like we both know you will -you're going to panic and self destruct.'

I let her words sink in … she was right, I was a ticking time bomb and it wouldn't be long until I blew up and took Tristan down with me.