Broken and Unloved
Chapter 20
Clare's POV:
Okay so maybe me admitting my feelings to Eli may happen sooner than I thought. Here we were sitting on our bench under our tree and he was telling me the things I longed to hear him say for so long. He started off by telling me that Imogen wasn't important, and that she didn't matter to him. That she was nothing compared to me. He told me that he used her, and that it was for the wrong reasons but it didn't matter because she was nothing compared to me. I was taking this all in and was about to respond when I heard my phone ring. I moved my hands over my pockets and realized that it was in Morty.
Me-"Sorry, once second please, it might be my mom."
He gave me a sincere smile.
Eli-"Sure, take all the time you need."
I got up and made my way over to Morty. I had to dig down in my bag before I found it and it wasn't my mom but it was Adam.
~Phone Call~
Me-"Hey Adam what's up?"
Adam-"Nothing much, I know you're busy with Eli right now but I was wondering if you and him wanted to hang today and go to the movies or something?"
Me-"Yeah, sure I'd love that. I just need to ask him."
Adam-"Okay, cool. So what are you guys doing?"
Me-"Well, we just got our coffee, and now we're at the park. We were actually talking when you called."
Adam-"Oh, god I'm sorry. I know last night he told me he had a lot of important stuff to tell you."
Me-"He did?"
Adam-"Yeah, and from what I gathered it's going to be all good."
Me-"OMG, I hope it's what I think it's going to be."
Adam-"Yeah me too. You guys need to get together and move on to something new. But anyways good luck and I want a full phone call report after it's over with okay."
Me-"Okay, I promise. Bye."
Adam-"Bye."
With that we hung up. I was just about to hit the end button when I dropped my phone and it bounced up under the front seat. Great I thought, right when the guy I love is about to tell me he loves me my phone wants to play hide and seek. I bent down to find it, pushing my hand up under the seat and feeling around. Right when my hand landed on my phone it also landed on something soft and small. I pulled my phone out and went back for the thing I felt. When I pulled it out I couldn't believe my eyes. That asshole. I couldn't believe it. My heart was shattered more if that was possible after everything that I had been through. I looked over to where he was sitting on the bench and it looked like he was on the phone with someone. I couldn't think or speak; I guess that's why I grabbed my purse and walked off; away from him.
Eli's POV:
I don't know who Clare was on the phone with but it seemed like right after she hung up I got a call from Adam. He told me that he invited Clare and I to the movies later. I told him it all depended on how things went with her. If she felt the same then yeah, I would love to go. But if she didn't feel the same it might be a little awkward to go to the movies. He wished me good luck with everything and I hung up. After I put my phone on silence and back in my pocket, I turned toward Morty to see what Clare was doing; that's when I saw that she was gone. I looked around and I saw her walking away from the park and me. I got up and chased after her. I couldn't let her leave; I needed her to hear this right now.
Clare's POV:
I knew he would come after me, but I didn't walk away because I knew he would follow. I walked away because I was hurt and confused. But as I expected he did come after me, yelling and everything.
Eli-"CLARE! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"
I didn't respond I just kept walking. I was almost out of the park, I didn't think he would follow me all the way home and leave Morty here, but then again you never can tell with Eli.
Eli-"CLARE! I'M TALKING TO YOU! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"
I knew I had to respond; at least it might make him go back to Morty and leave me alone.
Me-"HOME!"
Eli-"Okay….WHY?"
I turned around to face him.
Me-"BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!" I turned back around and continued walking.
Eli-"WHAT THE HELL? HOW AM I AN ASSHOLE?"
I turned back around to face him. We were probably 7 feet from one another.
Me-"NOT ONLY ARE YOU AN ASSHOLE, BUT YOU'RE A LIAR! I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST YOU BUT I CAN'T."
I turned around and went on my way. For a moment he was quiet, but I figured he was just in shock because I knew he wouldn't give up that easy.
Eli-"AND WHY CAN'T YOU TRUST ME?"
I was beyond pissed so I turned around and let him have it.
Me-"BECAUSE YOU USE PEOPLE, AND YOU'RE A PLAYER."
He got a really shocked look on his face.
Eli-"WHAT?"
I couldn't speak; I was too close on the verge of tears. It didn't dawn of me until now that I still had the pair of black lacey panties that I found in Morty balled up in my hand. I didn't know what else to do so I threw this at him. He caught them and got this real shocked and pissed look on his face.
Eli-"Before you say you don't want to hear this, just please give me a chance."
Me-"Fine, you've got 2 minutes."
Eli-"Last night at the dance, I drove Imogen home and then Adam and I fled to the after party to make sure you were okay. Adam told me that you didn't know Jake at all and I was worried. I was trying to figure out a way to get Imogen to go home, but that's when her mom called telling her to come home. I drove her to her house and Adam was with us. I told her that we both had to be home so I was going to drop him off at home too. Well when she got out of the car, she was walking toward her door when she turned back around and faced the car. That's when she pulled her panties down and threw them in the car at me and told me she would be thinking about me. I swear I had nothing to do with it, you can ask Adam. I was repulsed by them because I don't like her like that so I immediately flung them in the floor as soon as they touched me. I honestly forgot about them with everything that was going on at the after party last night."
I know I was just pissed five seconds ago but after hearing what happened and seeing the honest look on his face I felt stupid. I just wanted to crawl under a rock and hide forever.
Me-"Oh."
Yeah I know I'm a loser because that's all I could think of to say. He walked up to me and took my hands.
Eli-"I would never have sex with her, not only because I would never ever want to be with her like that, but also because my heart already belongs to someone else."
I couldn't look at him so I just stared at my hands in his; they seem to fit so perfectly.
Me-"Are you just saying that because you don't want to hurt my feelings?"
A look of frustration came over his face.
Eli-"How many times do I have to tell you that I really care about you before you believe me? I care about you A LOT. I'm not just saying that to hurt you or get you in bed with me."
I believed him I really did, but there was just this big cloud of doubt in the back of my mind.
Me-"It's just…."
I could tell he was getting mad because he dropped my hands and looked at me sternly.
Eli-"It's just what? Do you think I'm a bad guy who's going to hurt you? Or are you so insecure of yourself that you don't believe me?"
I couldn't take it anymore. It all had to come out, everything. All the secrets, the feelings, everything had to be spilled right now.
Me-"No...yeah. Fine ok, no! I know you're not the bad guy and I know you won't hurt me. It's just that you stand there with your sexy body, and your sexy smirk, and your amazing eyes. You're this wonderful guy that's sweet, and caring and nice and perfect, and you stand here telling me, the schools biggest bitch with emotional issues, that you care about me. I can't help but stand here and think that you're playing me because why would a guy like you ever want to be with a girl like me? No one wants to be with me, not my father, not anyone; but that's fine because I don't deserve to be with anyone. And I-"
He cut me off before I could finish.
Eli-"Whoa, wait." I was getting very impatient.
Me-"WHAT!"
Eli-"Why wouldn't I want to be with you? You're perfect."
Me-"HA! Perfect? I'm not even close to perfect. I mean look at me and look at all the girls at Degrassi. They're skinny, and beautiful. They're perfect not me. I know why no one wants to be with me. I'm not pretty, I don't have the perfect family, or anything that's perfect."
Eli-"But you are perfect, I just wish you could see it."
Me-"Oh, I do see it but it's not perfection that I see every day when I look in the mirror. I see an ugly girl who's broken and unloved. My mom is too busy shoving her tongue down young men's throats to even realize that I have become an outcast, or to realize that I cut myself. I see a girl whose father ran out and doesn't love her. I see someone who is scarred. I see a broken heart."
Eli-"Why can't you just admit that you love me?"
Me-"What good is it to tell you that I love you? What good is it to tell you that you're my every thought from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep, and then you're in my dreams? What good is it for me to tell you that the only time I feel fear as others do is when I picture you in harm's way? So how is it any good to tell you I love you when I know that I won't be able to have you? I won't tell you I love you. I can't bare the heart break of telling you how I feel and then see you with Imogen or any girl who you decided to be with. I won't be able to handle it, my poor heart can't deal with it."
The tears started streaming down and I couldn't stop them.
Me-"But it doesn't really matter now."
Eli-"Clare..-"
Me-"No, Don't you dare stand there and feel sorry for me. I'm fine, I've handled a lot of things in my life, I'm pretty sure I can handle rejection."
I turned around and walked off. The tears wouldn't stop and I didn't care to try. Everything was said and done. There was no going back, it was over. I didn't get far because I felt Eli grab my arm and pull me back. I was close to telling him to just let me go because I didn't want to hear it, but before I could say anything I felt his lips on mine.