A/N: Evanemore: Thanks! :) Sora Yagami: Good to know, I always get worried if a chapter is too long! Jealous Spencer, huh?

They didn't see each other during the following morning. Those first hours of the day at school were torture for Spencer: she usually enjoyed the classes and her friends, but the only thing she cared about today was the moment when she could get away and find Toby. Friends were forbidden for the day, until she could solve the problem with Emily. Classes passed again in a haze: she'd have to work her ass out to get back in line, because this week she swore she had not listened to a single thing the teachers said in class. If she kept like this, she'd have to ask Hanna for private lessons. And, now, that would be something. Sure, she had gotten some hours of sleep, thanks to Aria, but there were no news from Toby yet. Maybe he was planning on giving her the silent treatment too, but she couldn't really afford such a thing right now. Or ever. If she didn't hear from him today, she would camp out in front of his house tonight as she had planned to do yesterday, before Aria's visit. Thoughts passed by through her mind every minute, coming and going without really stopping to give her a rest. They were thoughts about Toby: about what he meant for her, about what she would say to him. They were also thoughts about Emily: had she walked to school this morning? Had she cried her heart out yesterday night because of her, or just enough to get her anger out after hearing Spencer's accusations? Would she be getting anxious or mad at Spencer again, since she hadn't really called her yet, even though she had texted she would be the one to make the call? Was she waiting for it, was she waiting for her? Every hour that Spencer spent waiting to talk to Toby was another hour that was spent building a wall between Emily and her. Another hour where they wouldn't really know what to expect from each other. Another hour that would add up to the tense silence between them. Silence was a place where Emily might be able to dwell for a while, but Spencer could not survive it much longer. Yet, she had to be strong. She had to talk to Toby.

In a way they had seen each other, but it was only a brief vision during one of their classes. They were together in a couple of classes. So, apart from catching a glimpse of Emily's figure walking around the halls, or stopping at the lockers alongside Hanna, Spencer had seated in their Biology class trying to pretend she was paying attention to the teacher, although she had not resisted the temptation of stealing a glance at Emily; but she had not looked back, she seemed to be so imbued with the explanation of the reproduction of the invertebrates. Yeah, sure. She just didn't want to look at her. That was fine. Spencer understood why. They had fought, A had written a text, they were both freaking out, and even though Emily had sent Aria to her house to take care of her (which was probably the sweetest thing Spencer could ever imagine someone had actually done for her, and it made her feel soft and warm and silly on the inside), they still had a big conflict which was unresolved and that had no prospect to be solved unless Spencer did something about it, which she had not done yet, because there had been no chance to do it, because Aria had been sent to her home by Emily and she had spent the night talking to her about her problem with Emily and sleeping instead of actually grabbing Toby and clearing things out with him. So that was why. That was why Emily would not look back at her, and why she had to content herself with stealing a very brief glance at Emily's silhouette, her face turned to the teacher, her lips so full that even her serious, stern expression could not eliminate the sense of inner liveliness and dreaminess that always emanated from her, corroborated by her long, dark eyelashes and the curvy line of her eyebrows. Jesus, she was so beautiful her heart ached just by looking at her for a single second. She was so mysterious, she had this air of detachment and of reserve, and at the same time when she looked at you – but she wasn't looking at you now – she meant everything she said, she was full, and alive, and probably more wholesome as a person than anyone you'd ever known; but sometimes she didn't even say a thing, and still you felt contained, received by how well she understood, although you could sense she was already flying somewhere else, away from you. Was she flying away from you now? No. Spencer didn't think so. She was just pretending not to care. But Spencer was sure if she could just get up in the middle of the class and reach Emily's face and lift her eyes to hers, that she would see there was really nothing else happening right now in Emily's mind that didn't belong to Spencer, that didn't have Spencer's name written all over it. Boy, that would be something to see. Welcome to Biologay class! Everybody clap your hands and give a standing ovation to this newfound hotness! A place where the reproduction of the invertebrates should be replaced by the pure wonder of female beauty and love!

Had she never realized this before? No, of course she had. Of course she knew Emily was beautiful. Of course she had always known Emily was stunningly beautiful and that she was going to break everybody's heart along the way. She just never realized her heart was also at stake. But Spencer remembered Aria's wise words on the matter. This was more than just kissing. This was more than just making out. But how? When had it started for her? How could she not know she would feel like this just by looking at her? Emily had been her best friend for years now. Spencer couldn't really remember a moment when she had actually felt like this with Emily, and at the same time she knew this had to come from some place deep inside of her that was already there and had been there before they kissed. But when? How? Would she just have gone on in that estate of ignorance forever, kissing and dating other people without ever really becoming aware of this? Or would she, at some point, maybe later, maybe even years later, have finally realized that she wanted this so much, so much that her entire body ached with it? If Emily had not decided to kiss her that night, would she just have been an idiot for all of her life, or would she have grasped the truth, would she have kissed Emily instead of being kissed by her, would she have acted on it or would she have just let the chance pass her by? Gay or straight, she didn't care about all of that. She had never asked herself that question, because she liked boys, so what was the need to ask yourself such a question if you did like them? She did know she was open to her sexuality, in a way that maybe other people didn't consider themselves to be, because she had thought she would never have a problem in admitting she liked a girl. If she ever did like a girl. But she never liked a girl. And now she was liking a girl. Not a girl. Her girl. The girl. She didn't like her; she had fallen at her feet and was laying there speechless. It was time to face the truth. She had no idea about what was going to happen, but there was no way she would let it pass. Now she had to find out. So that was pretty clear. But still, how could it happen? What had she been thinking all of this time? She was right there, in front of her, and she was purely herself in every sense, and still it was as if Spencer was looking at her under a whole different light.

When the class ended, their eyes met for a moment. That was the brief moment of vision, of mutual recognition they had. Spencer was collecting all of her things when Emily's deeply dark, almost black eyes settled on Spencer's face, and Spencer had looked back, hoping to send all of her determination, and at the same time all of her warmth, to the girl to whom she couldn't really talk to right now, because what were they going to say? Emily had not smiled, but there was something in her eyes that told Spencer she had somehow understood what Spencer was trying to say. Then she had looked away to respond a question some insidious jerk asked her, leaving for some other class, and Spencer had wondered if Emily really understood what she was trying to say, or if this eye-messaging was really only a way to imagine things and mess up your head. This was so weird. She tried to keep her strength, because she knew they were going to talk at some point, but this was so, so weird. Not to be able to take a couple of steps forward and talk as they had always done. Not to walk together out of the class, not to walk together to their next class. Not to grab her arm when one of them was going to trip, or just because it was the most urgent thing to do whenever they were having a conversation, not to corner her against her locker to tell her they needed to talk, as she had done yesterday, not to touch her for a second, not to search for her eyes to try to get what she was thinking, not to laugh, not to make her laugh, not to kiss her in front of everybody regardless of whatever they were going through right now, because that was what they both wanted to do and it was so freakingly obvious people would notice anyway. God, she had to stop thinking. She had to stop thinking and start doing what she needed to do.

Spencer did not go to lunch, unable to really pretend there was nothing going on in front of Hanna. The tension would be so thick this time they could probably cut it with a paper; and Hanna, Hanna was difficult to handle when she was curious about something. Besides, Emily didn't know Aria was already aware of the situation. Too much tension. Too many factors. So she decided to go to the library to spend some time while she waited for Toby to make a freaking move in her direction. She had called him again this morning, had texted as well, so there was nothing else she could do except wait for him to give her a sign that he was ready to listen to her and hate her. Aria came by the library to visit her for a moment, and there she told her Emily had also given an excuse not to go to lunch. It seemed they were both avoiding not only each other, but also Hanna and Aria. It was a miracle they had not run into each other while trying not to run into each other. She guessed irony was over for the moment. Anyway, Emily was too smart for that. She knew where to hide. She was probably in the pool, or with the drama group, or somewhere else where Spencer and the others would not find her.

She spent the whole afternoon pretending to study. The books were open in front of her. But really what she actually did was look at them, then look at the phone, then look at them again, thinking about what she had been thinking all day: Toby, Emily, her conversation with Aria, herself. She hoped all this waiting would actually bring good things into her life, because she was definitely not made to wait. She was waiting now because she wanted to make things right with Toby and with Emily; it was too late to make it really right, with Toby at least, but she needed to show herself she could actually try to be honest now, even if it was too late. But she was not built to wait for anything. It was just not in her nature. So she just stared at the infinite horizon of books and students whishing the sign would come already, or else she was going to scream and drag Toby out of his house even if she had to punch Jenna, Hanna's style, and every Cavanaugh in the face to do it. Poor Toby. Not only had he been left for the wrong reasons, not only had he been sent one, maybe two, images of his ex-girlfriend kissing other people – one of them a friend –, now he could also be assaulted in his own house, where he was retreating from all of this pain, caused by the same person (her, only her), in order to receive an explanation he might not want to hear at all. Maybe he just wouldn't listen to her. Maybe he was already through with her. Maybe he would just not take her pity. Pity. Was that what she was feeling now? Pity for him? Pity because he still loved her, but she didn't love him anymore, or had never loved him enough? But he was going to hate her. Maybe he did already hate her a little because of what she had done, but after talking to her he was going to hate her even more. She knew, because she would hate anybody who would do that to her, if she loved the person so much… But did she love anyone so much? Had she ever loved anyone so much?

She was lost in her thoughts when Hanna suddenly sat in the seat next to her.

"Hey, nerd."

Spencer smiled at her, surprised.

"Hey, what brings you to the temple of knowledge and sacrifice?"

"You, actually."

She felt a shiver down her spinal cord. Hanna was looking for her and had even come to the library to find her? Weird. This meant Hanna was already on the track.

"Well, here I am", Spencer whispered, "tell me."

"Have you seen Emily today?"

Emily. No, I haven't seen Emily today. Was I supposed to see her today? Oh, right, because we see each other every day. Can I give her a message from you? Oh, but you live with her. You'll have to give it to her yourself. If we see each other and actually talk to each other, we are in mortal danger of engaging in another crazy, my-eyes-my-eyes! make-out session in your bedroom, which might end up in a very tense and friendship-damaging fight. You surely wouldn't want to know that.

She really had to keep her cool. Hanna was scary when she got mad.

"Nope." She tried to sound light-hearted about the situation. "Why? Are you looking for her?"

"No, I'm looking for you", Hanna said, grabbing Spencer's purse and searching for something inside of it. "I thought she'd be with you because of the paper you're helping her write. By the way, nice job you did yesterday."

Spencer tried to keep a poker face, but she was getting annoyed by the way Hanna was digging inside her purse.

"What do you want?" Spencer took the purse from Hanna's hands. "I helped her yesterday, but I haven't seen her today."

"Don't you have any snacks here? I'm hungry."

"Didn't you have lunch?"

Spencer took an energy bar out of the purse and gave it to Hanna. She opened it and took a bite.

"You mean the lunch you and Emily didn't have?" She looked Spencer directly in the eye. "I texted her and she said she'd be here writing her paper. How many papers does she have to write anyway? A hundred?"

Couldn't they at least agree on their lies?

"Well, I haven't seen her here, so..."

"I thought she'd be with you."

"Well, she's not. Why don't you text her again?"

"I will. So…" Hanna stared at her for what seemed too long. She was obviously on to something. "I need to ask you a favour."

Spencer felt herself tremble with fear.

"Aha. What kind of favour?"

"I need you to drop me home later."

More fear. Emily's car was parked at the school, so why wouldn't Hanna go home with Emily? Why did she need to go with her?

"Sure", Spencer said, maintaining her stone face. "Why doesn't Emily drive you?"

"Because I can't find her", Hanna asserted, as if it was the most normal thing in the world. "And because she has so many hundreds of papers to write she'll probably wanna stay in the library anyway. Maybe she'll even sleep here."

"Ha", Spencer feigned a laugh, although the library never opened during the nights, she knew because once she'd tried and... Anyway that was not the point, the point was to get rid of Hanna. "Okay, then. I'll be leaving in about two hours."

To start my hunt for Toby so I can some day fix my love life, before I go to jail, where I'll be found guilty of murder and get a death penalty. But at least Emily will be there, looking at me before I die. Whatever.

"Good. I need to ask you a couple of things about… a poem. A poem for my literature class."

Now that was weird. Hanna never asked for help like that. She straightforwardly asked her to do her homework. And a poem? Wasn't that Aria's field of expertise? So she was definitely on to something, and Spencer was not going to be able to release herself from her inquisitive, fake sweet-and-innocent smile. She only smiled like that when she was perpetrating some strange plan: it was normally directed against A, but now she was obviously directing it to her.

"I'll be delighted to help you if it only takes me five minutes", Spencer said, instead of voicing her fears. She had to try to appear normal. "I have a lot to do."

Search for Toby. And then talk to Emily.

"Sure, it'll only be a second." Hanna stood up, finishing the conversation. "Give me a call when you're finished."

"Yep."

Hanna smiled again – oh my god, now she was in trouble – and she walked away.

Spencer spent the next two hours thinking she might never be able to talk to Toby if she didn't survive the conversation with Hanna. Maybe she already knew something? Had Emily told her? But then she wouldn't be so… weird. She would just come and yell at her. Maybe Aria had slipped something to her? No, Aria wouldn't do that. Still, she texted Aria and asked her if Hanna had said something about Emily or about her during lunch. Aria responded that she had just asked where Spencer was, and had complained about Emily's and Spencer's recent lack of interest in sharing good moments with her friends, but that was all.

All this tension was going to get her killed. She didn't even need A to do it, or Hanna; it was enough with her own anxiety.

And where the hell was Emily anyway? Couldn't she control Hanna? This was Emily's fault.

When she decided to finally leave, she stood up, picked up her books and put them in her bag. Just after she had passed the metal detector in the entrance, her phone buzzed. She thought it would be Hanna, or maybe A again, but when she took her phone to see the text, her heart raced like a crazy beast: it was Toby, telling her to meet him in an hour at this place where they used to hang out a lot when they were going out. Man, oh man, finally, finally. Now what was she going to say? She had suddenly forgotten about it. Right: Wren. She had kissed him because she was in shock, and he was there to help, and he always seemed to want her, and she had allowed him to want her because it felt good to be wanted by someone when you were feeling down. It was wrong, but she had done it. She was sorry. It didn't mean a thing. Now, Emily: that was a completely different story. She… had also kissed her. Emily had kissed her first, and then she had kissed Emily. No, no, but it wasn't only that. She had… She wasn't expecting any of that. Sure, she loved her like a sister, but not really like a sister anymore, because… things had changed. She had realized she just couldn't live without her. No, no, it was also more than that. She hadn't planned it, but she just couldn't… wouldn't live without her. She didn't know before, but now she did know, she wanted more, it wasn't an accident, she just had to do it or else she would regret it forever, and she would never, ever accept the possibility of Emily getting together with someone else, because there couldn't be someone else, because that would mean there'd be no Spencer in Emily's life, and there had to be a Spencer in Emily's life. A whole Spencer. A kissing Spencer. A more-than-friends Spencer. Was that too much information? She was sorry. She was so sorry. She did love him, she did love him so much, but it wasn't enough to stop her from wanting someone else. Was that what she had to say? Couldn't Aria come with her to these things?

She ran to her car and quickly started it, without even stopping to take off her coat. When she was manoeuvring to get out of her parking space, the door to the passenger's seat opened and Hanna entered the car, clearly pissed.

"I told you to give me a call when you were finished!"

Shit. She had forgotten about Hanna.

"Sorry", Spencer apologized, "I'm in a hurry, Hanna, can't that poem wait until tonight or something?"

"No, it can't." Hanna closed the door. "I don't have a poem to ask you about. Now are you going to tell me what the hell is going on with you and Emily or not?"

That was more like Hanna: straight to the point. In a closed space. No witnesses.

"There's nothing going on, Hanna. Haven't you reached her yet?"

And that was her: lying straight to Hanna's face, knowing she would not buy it. Nice.

"Cut the crap and spill it, Spencer. It's gonna be easier if you just tell me."

"Why don't you ask her? You live with her."

"I already asked her, Spencer. And she's not talking."

"So why do you assume I can tell you anything?"

"Because you SO obviously know", Hanna glared. "Now don't tell me there's nothing going on here, because my mom says you were really weird when you left yesterday, and then I went up and Emily had been crying. So don't you dare telling me nothing's going on."

Emily had been crying. Now she had a confirmation, and her heart broke a little just to know.

"I am trying to fix it."

It was the only thing she could think of saying.

"What's going on? Did you guys fight? Is A trying to do something to you… like with me and Aria?"

"No… it's… It's no big deal, Hanna."

"It's no big deal? That is a big fat lie, Spencer." Hanna's eyes and words worked together like a machine gun shooting hundreds of bullets per second. It was difficult to avoid all of them. "You guys are really close and now she's crying after you leave? What did you do to her? If it's not A, then what is it?"

"I didn't do anything to her!" That was actually a big fat lie, in a way. "Yes, we did fight, but I'm gonna fix it if you just let me do it."

"But why don't you tell me what happened?", Hannah begged. "I can help!"

"I can't tell you, Han."

Hanna lived with Emily. They had promised not to tell anyone. It wasn't exactly a promise, it was more of a silent agreement, which she had somehow violated when Aria had found out. But Aria shouldn't really know about it, not until her problem with Toby was cleared and she could tell Emily about it. And, in any case, it was Emily's decision to tell Hanna.

Anyway she didn't have time to tell Hanna the whole story if she wanted to meet Toby on time.

"Ask Emily again", Spencer urged, thinking that way Emily and she would get even, if Hanna managed to persuade Emily into telling her the truth.

"She's not gonna tell me, Spencer. She's obviously defending you or something!"

"She's not!"

Was she? Well, in case Emily had tried to defend her from Hanna's rage, it wasn't really working.

"So just let me know what's going on and I can help you fix it!"

No, Hanna could not help her fix it.

"You can't help me fix it. This is something I have to fix alone."

Hanna was starting to lose her patience. It wasn't as if she had a lot of patience anyway. Like Spencer, but with a slightly more acid angle. Corrosive, one would say. Violent, even. Oh, oh.

"And why are you even fighting with her?", Hanna was already yelling. "It is Emily, Spencer. I know you're having a hard time, but for god's sake, Emily's had her share of crap too, and her parents are not even here! She has no one to turn to except you and me and Aria and now you are fighting with her! Making her cry! What are you thinking?"

The machine gun again. This time a little bit worse.

"Okay, I know, Hanna!", Spencer yelled too, trying to make herself heard over the storm of bullets. Then she lowered her voice again. "I swear I'm gonna make it all right, okay?"

These words seemed to calm Hanna down a little, but not enough.

"I thought she was helping you with all of your problems! And you were helping her too. And it turns out you're fighting with her!"

"No, you're right, we were helping each other." Help was what Spencer needed now. "Hanna, it's complicated to explain, but it's gonna be fine!"

"It's complicated? It's no big deal?", Hanna faked Spencer's little girl voice. "Man, you're scaring the shit out of me now! Whatever A has on you, it must be really big!"

They both fell silent for a second. Then Spencer looked at Hanna again, her last try to beg for an exit.

"Hanna, I promise. I am fixing this."

"Well, you'd better", Hanna answered, fury dripping through her words. "I am your friend and I love you, Spence, but I swear if you don't fix this by today I'm gonna break your legs and then I'm gonna leave your body down some god-forgotten road. And you know that I mean it!"

Spencer took a deep breath.

"Are you actually threatening me to break my legs?" Spencer didn't know if she should start crying or laughing about it. "Hanna, you don't even exercise."

"Oh, don't you underestimate my fury and the power of my muscles."

Spencer blurted out in laughter, unable to contain her own nervousness.

"There are other ways to break your legs, moron. Remember I was hit by a car!" Now Hanna was furious again. "And no matter how much you exercise, you still have this really skinny body. It doesn't look like it's very difficult to break."

"Oh, god, this can't be happening", Spencer exclaimed, exasperated. "I have to go! I have to go, Hanna! And if you actually want me to fix this situation, you just have to let me go and put your crazy-ass trust in me."

Hanna looked at her again, quizzically but somewhat calmer.

"Okay, fine, I'll let you go", Hanna finally grunted. "But I swear to god, you have until tomorrow to fix this situation."

"Thanks for your trust, Han! I greatly appreciate it!"

Spencer sounded terribly sarcastic, but Hanna would not totally back off. At least she started to get out of the car but, when she was already out, she turned around again to talk to Spencer, a finger in front of her face.

"And I'm leaving you until tomorrow only because you are my friend", Hanna yelled before closing the door. "You perfectly know you should go fix it right now."

And with this she closed the door with a strong, resolved blow meant to show her fury and the power of her muscles.

"That's what I'm trying to do, goddammit!", Spencer yelled back, although she was unsure Hanna had heard.

She pressed the accelerator and the car ran out of the parking lot. She was still on time, but she depended on the traffic lights and on the amount of commuters she would run into in the roads.

That fight with Hanna had been epic. She hoped they would laugh at it in time, because, if they didn't, she would end up dead in some god-forgotten road. God. And Emily used to warn her about all those times when Spencer got to be too protective and territorial over her? Had she actually seen Hanna get protective and territorial? Because that was certainly a spectacle. Spencer took a mental note to tell Emily about this so Emily could tell the I'm-not-a-little-lamb warning to Hanna too. She was so not going to be the only one to be scorned if the others deserved it too. Although, in a way, she was glad Hanna was so protective over Emily. It meant Emily had her back covered, in case something happened to Spencer at some point. She knew she could always count on Hanna on this one. And it confirmed her idea that Emily had indeed found a safe refuge at the Marins'. But there was no way she was going to let that one go without a warning. Maybe Hanna was becoming the new Spencer now? Well, she still had a lot to do to actually resemble Spencer. Marvellous grades and kickass personality. And kissing qualities that Emily obviously appreciated. Oh, man, who was she trying to fool? Hanna might not have the grades, but she had a kickass personality, probably kissed even better, and was… Hanna. She didn't really need the grades. She was one of the smartest people she had ever known. But she was straight. And in love with Caleb. Just like she was straight and in love with Toby four or five days ago. Damn.

Enough of it. She wasn't really enjoying this newly found side of her personality: the sickly jealous side. One thing was to feel like that with Maya or the psycho girl, and another one was to feel like that with her own, dear friend. Her dear friend, who had just threatened her with a beating. Scary as it was, she felt almost proud of Hanna. She had come such a long way from the days she was Hefty Hanna, Alison's sweet, but wicked protegé. They all had, in a way. But Hanna...

Hanna was so funny. Spencer found herself laughing at the whole conversation while driving crazily – but safely: the only thing she needed was to have an accident on her way to Toby – downtown. She wondered if Hanna would actually be capable of deploying physical violence against her if Spencer, unintentionally, ever hurt Emily. She didn't think so. Hanna might have slapped Jenna, but she was obviously bluffing in front of her. She was just trying to make sure Spencer did the right thing. Which she was going to do, if the world just allowed her to actually do it.

She was still thinking about Hanna when she saw the Black and White Coffee Shop where she used to hang out with Toby. And she had not even thought about what she was going to say again. From the distance, while she was looking for a space in the parking lot, she saw Toby's straw-coloured hair, his fit, muscled upper body covered by a black T-shirt and a leather jacket that partially hid how attractive a man he was. He was waiting for her. He was waiting for her to break his heart – again. She promised herself she would never do it again. There would never be a third time. There would never be another chance. Let other girls do that to him. She had already done enough.

She did love him. She did care about him. She did want him to be happy, to be safe. She did not want to be hated precisely by him. But she was going to. And it was all right. Lady MacBeth she was, her hands covered in innocent blood with this petty crime, but she had to do it. She was going to do it. She wanted to do it. Because she couldn't help it. Because Emily was there on the other line, most probably waiting for her. And Spencer wanted that to happen – Emily on the other line, waiting for her – so badly now, so, so badly, that there was nothing else to do, right or wrong as it may be, there was nothing else she could do. She hoped Aria was right, and Toby would find a way to forgive her. There was just nothing else to do. She took a deep breath and opened the door to the car, stepping out.