Second Alternate, Ep. All Hell Breaks Loose, Part Two
Sam looked at the half hellhound warily. It whined and all but begged for a good ear scratch.
"You're the one who named him Hunter, a bit of a joke I believe. Hell, you're the one who usually takes care of him until this mess," said Bree.
Bobby looked at Bree with something akin to distrust.
Bree rolled his eyes.
"Just so we're clear Bobby, I consider your little panic room in the basement my safe zone. Hell, you usually joke about it being my room whenever I sleep over."
"What?" said Bobby.
"I consider your panic room my safe zone. Whenever I come over to your house that's usually the place I sleep in. You don't care less because I never touch the beer down there," repeated Bree.
"How is it that something like you is so comfortable around us?" asked Bobby.
"Because usually I ease into your lives! I couldn't sit there and watch Sam die and then live with the fact that Dean would make a deal with a bloody crossroads demon! If I hadn't done anything, Lilith would have used Dean's deal to drag him down to the pit and break the first seal on Lucifer's bloody cage!"
"What is so important about Sam?" demanded Dean.
"Azazel needs him or one of the psychics to cross a massive demon's trap to open a crypt and break open the gates of hell. He has the Colt...but then again so do I."
"What?"
"I have the Colt. All that's really special about it is that it can open the gates of hell. It's the bullets that can kill demons," said Bree. He snapped his fingers.
"Which reminds me. Put these on," said Bree.
He gave them each an amulet, except for Sam.
"What are these?"
"Remember Andy's trick to convincing people? This blocks it," said Bree.
Ellen stumbled into the house. Aside from being shaken, it was her.
"Who the hell is this?" she asked.
"Hi, I'm a half angel who's stuck cleaning up after the Winchester's mess and can tell an arch angel to shut his cake hole without being killed for it. Whiskey?" said Bree flatly.
"Huh?"
"I'm an angelic cambion stuck cleaning up the mess these two idjits have left, as the world has been remade over a hundred thirty times because they couldn't seal Lucifer."
Seeing her blank stare, he yawned.
"Damn. Sleep deprivation has weird effects on me. Normally I don't spill the beans the minute I see you two. First I prove you can trust me then I tell you the truth," yawned Bree.
Hunter whined next to him, and Bree idly scratched his ear.
"What's with the dog?"
"He's half wolf, half hellhound, and he's trained to help hunters," said Bree.
Ellen blinked twice.
"You have a hellhound for a pet?"
"Half. And he's a good sidekick. He knows who the alpha of the pack is," said Bree, yawning widely.
He had been up for nearly two days now, and he was running on fumes. He needed sleep.
"Wake me when we reach the cemetery. I can deal with an open hell gate, or at least give those damn demons something to worry about...besides I want to that yellow-eyed bastard down for throwing me out early so you can kill him with the Colt," yawned Bree.
"What the hell makes you think we're bringing you?" demanded Dean.
"You know anyone else who can mass exorcise fifty demons at once?" countered Bree.
"Only fifty?" joked Sam.
"I can get an energy boost, but I'm not wasting it on something as annoying as this," said Bree.
That and absorbing Grace tended to give him a trip to Heaven, which was fairly annoying. He only had to stop the gate from opening to ruin Azazel's day.
"Damn it, I need sugar, and lots of it. I swear Loki is rubbing off on me," said Bree getting up.
"Loki? That damn trickster?" growled Bobby.
"Loki the sugar fiend is more like it," growled Bree. He reached into his bag and brought out a chocolate frog biting it's head off viciously.
"We sure he's not a demon? He just bit that frog's head off," said Ellen.
Bree rolled his eyes, and Sam noticed something.
"Is that frog...hollow?"
"Chocolate frogs. It's a hollow frog made of chocolate spelled to move once the box opens. They only stay active for about five minutes before the spell wears off," said Bree by way of explanation. He tossed Dean another sugary treat and he took a rather large bite out of it before he spat it out in shock.
"Dude, what the hell?!"
Bree laughed long and hard.
"Cockroach Cluster."
"I just bit into a cockroach?" said Dean in disgust. Sam was trying (and failing) not to laugh.
Bree popped a Blood Pop into his mouth.
"And what's that?"
"Blood Pop. After making these custom for Sam so many times I acquired a taste for the regular kind," said Bree.
"Why would I eat a sucker made of blood?"
"Because of the demon's blood addiction you had, or might have later. Angel blood counters demons every time. Now are we going to deal with this mess or not? I would like some damn sleep before the end of the world!" snapped Bree.
Bree was snoring big time with Hunter on his lap.
"How are we supposed to wake the so-called angel?" asked Dean.
Sam took out a flask and threw holy water on him.
"For the love of...that shit doesn't work on me ya idjit! And a simple we're here would have sufficed!" snarled Bree. He was not a happy camper.
Hunter whined a little as he got hit with the water droplets, but it wasn't nearly as painful as it was for a full hellhound.
As only half, he just didn't like getting wet.
Bree got out of the Impala and stretched.
"Time to kill a soldier and deal with some demons. Some days it doesn't pay to go grocery shopping," said Bree.
"I think you mean wake up," said Sam.
"No, I mean grocery shopping. This is the fourth time I've been attacked by something unpleasant while getting groceries! At this rate I might as well get a damn house elf to do it to avoid going!" sniped Bree.
A thought occurred to him.
"Take these. If you see a demon, stab the bastard and be done with it. Far easier to use than the damn Colt," said Bree.
"What are these?" asked Dean.
"Demon-killing knives, with Enochian sigils carved into them. All you have to do is stab a demon, and it gets killed. And it draws less panic than the Colt does around normal civilians."
"You can make demon-killing knives?" asked Sam.
"Make? I'm the primary manufacturer among hunters for God's sake! A little bit of Angelic Grace, some Enochian sigils and a spell to keep it sharp... you realize how much cash I've raked in selling them to hunters who specialize in demon lore?"
"How are you not dead yet?" asked Dean.
"I have a degree in demonology, I can speak an exorcism without looking it up and in perfect Latin, and I usually travel with the Trickster known as Loki. Demons are the least of my worries," deadpanned Bree.
They walked into the graveyard and the look on Jake's face? Well, he was quickly more concerned with Hunter's snarling.
"The way I see it, you have two choices. Put down the gun...or I have Hunter here maul you," said Bree flatly. He wasn't in the mood to be nice.
"I have a better idea. Point the gun at your head," smirked Jake. It was clear he was directing his attention solely on Bree.
"Yeah no. Hunter, bite one of his legs," deadpanned Bree.
Jake screamed loudly as Hunter went for him.
"Why..."
"Why aren't I affected by your little Jedi mind trick? Demon powers don't affect me moron. Hunter, Colt," said Bree.
Hunter went from mauling Jake's leg to biting the Colt's barrel and bringing it to Bree.
"Good boy!"
"Who...what are you?" gasped Jake.
Bree unleashed his wings.
"You pissed off an angel's son, one who happens to be allied with the Winchester idjits. It was just your bad luck I was thrown right at the time you stabbed Sammy here in the spine with that rusted knife. Not your smartest play there soldier-boy," said Bree.
Bree handed the Colt over to Dean.
"Just so we're clear here, the second you leave the railroad area he will jump you. Do try not to loose the bloody gun," deadpanned Bree.
He vanished with a whirl of wings and reappeared in his bed.
He left a sign on his box stating "DO NOT DISTURB UNLESS LUCIFER RISES FROM PIT. OTHERWISE, BUGGER OFF."
Hunter curled up next to him and he snored like a chainsaw.