~ Finding The Heart ~
Love-blind And Pain-numbed
Disclaimer: The characters in this story are the intellectual property of Bioware, not mine.
WARNING: Rated MA. 16yrs+ readers only please. Foul language, adult concepts.
Author note: I've purposefully tried not to describe Shepard too much, after all, fans of Mass Effect will each have their own versions of Shepard, so I leave those parts up to your imagination.
Returning to the Normandy, Shepard waited anxiously to have quiet about her enough to find the nearest solitary corner and enquire of EDI, privately:
"EDI: What's Zaeed's status?"
"Asleep, Commander. Yeoman Chambers asked that I monitor the Starboard Cargo Hold for noises suggesting aggravation. After a period of reduced movement, I notified Kelly that there had been no change and she asked Dr. Chakwas to check on him. Dr. Chakwas concluded that she suspected even an Elcor disco wouldn't wake him."
EDI... are you attempting to cheer me up..? "Thank you EDI."
"Shall I attempt to wake him?"
"No, let him sleep. He obviously needs it."
"Yes Commander." Click. At least EDI knew to leave her be.
Shepard found herself temporarily absent of being needed - a thing in itself that left her a little dizzy, until she remembered: there was something else she still needed to do. She grabbed a savoury snack from Gardner's kitchen which she pocketed on her way to see her next problem...
The doors to the Main Battery opened and shut smoothly behind her. Their noise and her footsteps were audible enough, but Garrus ignored her, continuing his calibrations. He knew it was her. She knew he knew it was her, too.
She folded her arm and stared at his non-responsive back: "You shot Vido in the head."
Garrus continued tapping away at his console without turning. "You told me to take the opportunity if it came up."
Shepard folded her arms. "To be sure he wouldn't escape. He wasn't going anywhere. You knew I had the situation under control, Zaeed was backing down, and then you shot him. I want to know why."
"You're always trying to teach me mercy. I heard what he said. It seemed like the most merciful thing to do."
"...What?!" Shepard dropped her arms to her side and stepped forward.
Garrus spun round to face her. "The man was in deeply in love with someone he could never have. Do you have any idea what that can do to a person?" Garrus heard his own words and cringed in the momentary uncertainty as to whom it was, precisely, he was talking about... But he knew that was stupid, and presently irrelevant. He centred his thoughts in just half a breath as he launched into the proper logic of what he'd been about to say:
"Look at what he did for the sake of it Shepard – the monster he became. Look what it did to him, not just Zaeed." Garrus folded his arms and planted his feet apart as he straightened to his full height. "He was already dead on the inside... What he did to others was consequence of that. More than that he was never going to get over Zaeed, and if he'd lived, he'd only have come back to haunt you too."
Shepard scoffed at that. "My list of enemies is pretty long. He'd have had to get in line first."
Garrus knew how it looked or rather how it would have looked to him had he been a silent observer of this conversation between Shepard and someone else. Compassion for a comrade in arms? Huh. More like seeing in Vido things he feared lay within himself, if it came to pass that he found himself falling in love with... But he knew not to finish that sentence. Vido's story was a warning - a warning against denial, and refusal to ratify the consequences of accepting that you weren't the one meant to be with someone you wanted. You had to accept what they wanted and respect their right to choose, if you truly even came close to legitimately claiming that you cared about them and their welfare.
Garrus thought that over, and accepted the truth as it cycled round once more – yes, Shepard was the only non-Turian that could have turned his head. Could have, but hadn't - not when it could have mattered. The reason for that was likely quite sensible: he simply hadn't caught her attention, and deep down knew it. So... he had looked away. It was a simple enough equation to balance. He wasn't dumb enough to throw out of the window all that he had and truly valued already, to chase something he knew he couldn't have. It was the most precious of things he valued - her friendship – which he was really acting upon right now. It wasn't his own feelings he wanted to spare: it was hers... and he had good reason.
"You think he was last in line. You sure about that?" he stared at her, cold and hard.
"Meaning what?" She stared right back at him in like fashion.
"Seeing you place your hands on Zaeed, I watched Vido's face change. I knew he was going to kill you if I didn't do something about it." Now drop it and leave it alone... Please.
"He had a broken arm and a broken leg!" Shepard frowned and widened her eyes in rebuttal.
He'd tried. Now came the thing he would never have wanted to be the one to say, felt like he should never have had to say... Which speaking aloud would make consequentially real and therefore something he really did need to worry about... He hesitated. Get it over with.
"Maybe so." Garrus leaned back against the console. "But he was still reaching for a weapon."
Shepard's mouth opened halfway then shut, she stood frowning and blinking, her eyes tracking sideways to grasp at memories of things she could have missed. He'd basically all but said to her face: Shepard, you've been compromised – and the words struck her hard enough to make her adjust her stance in order to retain her balance. It hurt to see her recoil from his words. He knew too well what they would mean to her. Such words elicited a kind of panic few non-military people could understand. His mandibles flexed as his conscience compelled him to find a way to salve the look she now wore:
"It was a small pistol," He shrugged, and tried to make the whole thing less than it was: "...hidden at the back of his thigh – I had the better angle to spot it." Another sigh followed, however, as he his conscience also compelled him to fully disclose all relevant information:
"But it still could have killed you at that range, especially considering you'd taken your helmet off. So... I pulled the trigger."
And you did take your helmet off, didn't you? And you turned your back. How could you not see it Shepard? You laid hands on Zaeed and Vido's world crumbled in vain for all he'd tried to stop Zaeed from having, yet you didn't think to consider he'd have tried to kill you for it? Even with his very last breath, he'd have been trying to kill you!
-Garrus blinked, stopping that indignation from tumbling out of his mouth, just like he'd learned to do the hard way, from a dozen broken friendships. He also reminded himself that worship was the furthest point from understanding, and that his anger was more like that of an Asari acolyte discovering an imperfection in their goddess, than frustration at the natural mistakes of a real person he called 'friend'. That anger needed to be toned down, because underneath it all, what he really wanted to say was simply:
"I don't want to lose you twice, Shepard."
Shepard, for her part, recalled the heat of the moment when Zaeed had been about to end Vido's life himself. She hadn't even thought about how stupid her reaction had been until now, which doubled the blow. I really did take off my helmet, didn't I? It made her blood run cold realising it: that all she'd cared about in that moment, was Zaeed. She'd been blind, deaf and numb to all else.
...What the hell was I doing?!
Shepard's voice went shaky and her mouth went dry. "...You're saying you saved my life?"
It occurred to her now just how much she'd must've hurt Vido in that one moment - perhaps almost as much as all the things he'd done to Zaeed put together... More, even, than those incredibly cruel words that Zaeed had uttered to him in the revelation. She had proved it – proved that Vido could never stop Zaeed from falling in love with someone else, or stop someone else from being the one whose words would always mean more to him. Half of her scolded her for that cruelty. The other half focused instead on the fact that Garrus had been all that had stood between her living and her becoming just the crowning final act in this play of epic tragedy. That was sobering, to the point of terror.
Garrus paused in his reply. "...I did what needed to be done." Now his was the voice that was shaky. It had dropped to a whole new pitch of growl.
"...Thank you." It nearly choked her. "I uh..." She tried to find the words to move on, to recover from the shock: "I'm glad at least it wasn't Zaeed that killed him." She stood there still almost shaking, her face slowly turning back to a lesser and uncertain scowl.
Garrus nodded appreciably, glad of the change of subject. "I can't imagine how Zaeed must feel. When I realised Sidonis must have turned on me, it felt like the whole galaxy was collapsing around me. I just can't even level with the kind of betrayal Zaeed has experienced at the hands of Vido."
Shepard relaxed: the lines on her face telling then only how tired she was. Garrus could see the worry was still there, though. Turning to go, she hesitated to say at last:
"Thank you for being the one to tell me I screwed up." It must have been hard for you to tell me. I'm sorry I put you in that position. "I won't let it happen again." She nodded soberly, taking a haggard breath. "...I should go –"
Garrus paused a moment too long before realising he had one last thing to say. He grabbed after her arm in that last half-second, to tell her the last piece of bad news he knew she really should hear, that he might be the only one to tell:
"Wait- Listen to me-" He pulled her back enough for the door to automatically close. "There's something else." She stopped and turned to face him, now wearing a very serious expression – crisis ready.
"Shepard..." A pause, "... Zaeed..." – he really didn't know how to say this, but... "He's probably questioning just about every decision in life he's ever made right now, asking himself if Vido influenced each and every last one of them, in some way or other."
"I know." She stared back at him, solid and undeterred. Shepard...
"Sure. But what you may not realise is that that door can swing both ways: questioning your entire existence? That's painful enough to break anybody... and the person you become afterwards when you pick up the pieces is rarely the one you were before. Sometimes it's good. Sometimes it's bad. I think told that before but..." He sighed and stepped away: "What I'm trying to say is... Right now he's more dangerous than he ever has been. Do you understand?"
Shepard stared into those ice-blue eyes with pained honesty and answered: "...I understand."
"So long as you know." He let go of her arm. She nodded. His concern was sobering, but she would be seeing this through - it was all she knew how to do. After taking a deep breath and letting it go, Garrus folded his arms again and added:
"I uh... don't know if you would want to know but while you were on K03 cleaning up that bomb, Kelly and I talked and I did some investigating of Vido's past. Kelly can fill you in on the psychology details if you're interested but what I thought you should know is that the Demon Maws – the gang who Vido told Zaeed were responsible for attacking Alice and burning down her apartment?" He paused for a breath. "Vido's older brothers belonged to that gang."
Shepard's shoulders slumped in unsurprised dismay. "Somehow that doesn't surprise me. I wouldn't be surprised if his brothers had it coming though, to be honest. I'm sure you probably got the same impression I did: Vido's family probably weren't exactly kind to him." She shook her head, "Vido was nothing if not efficient: take out a romantic rival, secure Zaeed's focus for building up the Blue Suns, take out a rival gang... kill off some of the family that gave him so much grief... Better yet: do it all in one go."
And how does a victim of someone like that, who'd unwittingly been a puppet for most of his life, walk away after discovering the truth? Garrus is right – I have no idea what to expect... She turned to leave but Garrus motioned to catch her arm again, so she stopped and turned to face him once again.
"Last thing before you go – I swear:" Garrus unfolded his arms. "Are you OK?"
...He may as well have punched her in the stomach. She was none-too-glad of the reminder when it dawned upon her that he had something specific in mind, and exactly what was. He was, nonetheless, the closest friend she had in the entire galaxy. She owed him an answer.
"Honestly?" She blinked, her eyes flickering elsewhere and back again, "Not sure how I feel." She stood there hesitantly having taken a step towards the doorway, reluctant to answer questions – arguing about Zaeed was easier than talking about herself.
"Sit." Garrus ordered her, and given how rare it was for him to do so, she obliged. Already-tired limbs slouched and she plopped onto the bench, defeated by the over-burdening weight that seemed then to then have fallen upon her. Garrus walked off out of the Battery and straight into Gardner, although she barely noticed him leave and come back – so lost in her thoughts as she quickly became. He came back with hot drinks for the both of them.
"I should really get some rest. I'm off-duty." She pleaded, shaking her head and somewhat pathetically attempting to slide out of the conversation she knew was coming.
"It can wait." Garrus put a steaming hot mug of soup into her hand. It smelled of life and richness she sorely needed. He's far too good at bribes...
She still tried to resist: "Garrus –"
"It can wait." He wasn't budging, and there was nothing more stubborn than a Turian with a stick up his ass over something. He leaned against the wall opposite, guarding the door from her exit.
"Alright, alright." Shepard sighed and shook her head again. She stared down at her soup, and took a deep breath. "Well... I wasn't prepared to find the man that killed my family and my friends, scarred my life and changed the course of it forever." - Punctuated with a shrug.
Garrus nodded after a pause. "You know – you really should have been a cop. You have amazing luck when it comes to tying up loose ends."
Shepard laughed at that and took a whiff of the mug's contents: Salarian spiced soup.
"You can say that again." She shook her head. "First Elanos Haliat, now Solem Dal'Serah."
Garrus nodded. "And all the rest in-between. Remember Rana Thanoptis?"
Shepard, mid-sip of steaming-hot soup, laughed, and nearly choked in the process.
"How could I forget?" She coughed and smiled. "That woman is walking disaster." He was right – she did have a knack for running into the same people over and over again. But the smile faded: "Meeting Solem Dal'Serah makes me feel like what happened to me on Mindoir was fated to happen." She took a gulp of soup and winced – it was too hot. "Slavers." She swallowed again, eyes watering from the heat.
"Homeworld hit by slavers. Chosen for N-school because of how I survived being chased by slavers. Fighting in the Skillian Blitz – slavers again. Meeting Tabitha on the Citadel... Her being one of the people the slavers actually took in that same attack on Mindoir that left me orphaned. That was a scary show of what I could have been. Never told anybody at the time, but it really shook me up. Then later I go hunting for a bomb only to find the bomb was a prop for someone who in fact was hunting for me - Elanos Haliat, who actually orchestrated the Skillian Blitz..."
She took a breath: "And now: Solem Dal'Serah. I ended up facing the man responsible for the strike on Mindoir when I was a child. And if all that isn't co-incidence enough, I find out that it was my mother who killed his brother in the raid." Shaking her head, she gripped her soup harder, feeling the heat through her gloved hands. "Every turn of my life, there they are: slavers."
"How are you supposed to move on and leave the past in the past, when it keeps biting you in the ass or your history keeps trying to repeat itself? You said I should've been a cop but I could have made it my life's work to hunt down slavers and end the slave trade. I didn't. Part of me thinks that's because ever since that day on Mindoir, I've wanted to detach myself from that past and not let it define me. Now, it rather feels like it's chosen me. Like I don't get a say. I'm facing down the Reapers and all along the way, it just keeps popping up into my life for me to deal with."
She trailed off quietly, lost in her thoughts for a moment, then muttered as her eyes glazed over, recalling memories that were not her own...
"I think about the Reapers... about how they 'harvest' people... about their 'indoctrination'... and... I see similarities... Unfeeling monsters that rob people of choices, of freedom, of agency over their own lives..."
Shepard was quiet like that for a time while Garrus just stared at her, and remembered the first time he saw her get a Prothean vision. She had that same look on her face afterwards. Kaidan had told him about the Beacon on Eden Prime, and how she had never quite been the same after that.
Garrus tried to cheer her up and mellow the mood: "Luck. Sure as hell you have it. With you, there's no coincidences." He gulped at his own hot drink – something far more spicy. "Definitely should have been a cop." His eyes lit up and his mandibles relaxed in the Turian equivalent of a smile. "Or a SpecTRe." Shepard laughed loudly then. He was incorrigible.
"Humnn." She nodded, and lifted her mug to that with feigned cheer. They both knew how that had worked out. She blew the surface of the dull green liquid that floated bits of vegetable and fish in her mug and took another gulp, one that didn't sting this time.
"The one thing I'm actually glad about in all of this, is that I found out about my mother. All these years I never knew what really happened to my parents. Knowing she died fighting... I guess it was a relief. Knowing she nailed Solem Dal'Serah's brother in the process? Bonus! It was imagining her fighting to her last breath as an untrained, inexperienced civilian, that kept me going through Alliance training. I wanted to believe that if she had the courage to give all that she could give to stand for what she believed in, despite the full knowledge that it was absolutely futile, then I was capable of that too. I didn't need to pass the programme; I didn't need to 'win' anything."
"No threat, no reward, and nothing I endured held influence over me under that focus. The only thing that mattered was giving everything I had to try. So long as I did my best, I would not feel like a failure." Shepard took another gulp of soup and seemed to grow stronger in the taking of it. "Now I know that belief wasn't just a lie I made up to comfort myself, it was the truth. More than that, it proves I knew my mother. Losing her so long ago, that's something I'd come to doubt."
Garrus lifted his cup in half a cheer, "Your mother was really something."
Shepard raised her mug in likewise fashion. "Without a doubt she was." They both drank deeply. Shepard stared at what was left in her mug, and reflected sadly:
"I... still wonder... whether my dad died first or second..." She pulled a pained laugh, and Garrus frowned at her. "My mother was the one who had the instinct to fight. I think it'd be better if he'd died first." She shrugged. "He'd have died imagining that mum could have survived, that she'd have taken care of me. Then mum would've died, knowing she was with him when he went, that nothing worse happened to him, and that with all I knew about the woods and how to survive, I'd manage to escape and then get by in life by the wisdom they'd passed onto me. She'd have believed in me without a doubt. Dad in her position would just have worried!" She laughed. Her eyes watered. "That way around it's easier to imagine them both being at peace." She laughed again, it sounded ridiculous out loud - he was the first person she'd ever told it to. Nevertheless Garrus just nodded as if it made perfect sense.
Garrus agreed: "Warriors are better at dying alone. In Turian culture, everyone does their duty, but different people are better at doing different things. Some of us are better at mechanics, some of us are better at making soups..." Shepard tilted her head with a quizzically raised eyebrow at that, but he raised a hand in admittance: "Not me – Gardner made your soup. Anyway, some of us are better at being the ones left behind, the ones making last stands. It's part of our cultural philosophy that those that can, do; whatever that happens to be. Your mother sounds like she had a soldier's soul."
"Yeah." Shepard half-smiled, and stared off into the bulkhead. "Maybe she did." She drank the rest of her soup, and toyed with her mug before standing up. "I... really should get some rest."
"Yes, you should." Garrus nodded his agreement, and waved a shooing hand towards the door as he finished the last of his own drink.
"Thanks." She said, and met his eyes in the thanking as she left. Garrus simply bowed his head, and turned back to his calibrations.