A/N: I... I don't really know what to tell you guys. A few of you already know that I've had a lot of trouble with this chapter... like, majorly, despite it actually having been done since I posted the previous chapter. I've obviously made a lot of changes to it since then, and I'm not sure if I'm satisfied with it or not, but if I have to read it one more time, I might just shoot someone, so, here ya have it. The next chapter should be up sooner rather than later (I know I've said that before) since I continued with the story although I couldn't quite get this chapter right... (I'll let you be the judge of that though, I suppose). Thanks for your continuing support and patience and a special shoutout, once again, to PlatinumRosewood for doing her best to help with this chapter and another one to LilyCanBeMyPyjamas for inspiring me with her own story to finish and FINALLY publishing this chapter.

Enjoy? x

Chapter Twenty

Sweetheart, What Have You Done To Us?

Don't ever fall in love. Nothing good can ever possibly come of it. Emily was right to tell me not to fall in love with her, she was right to warn me off. I just hated my heart for not listening.

Effy had managed to get me home from the club, I don't even remember how. I remember sitting on the couch, sobbing violently into her shoulder while she tried her best to comfort me with reassuring words and comforting strokes to my back, but even Effy couldn't make things better this time. She tried to convince me that as believable an act as it had been, Emily was only doing it to protect me. I didn't want to listen. Even if that had indeed been the case, it didn't make it better. She still would've slept with Moore… she still would've kissed her. Something I thought she had only reserved for me.

Around five in the morning I'd convinced Effy to leave on the condition that I'd call her later - whatever happened. It was just after six when the front door unlocked…

The entire flat was suddenly engulfed in a kind of silence I'd never experienced before. It was almost loud, if that was even possible. I didn't look up at her from where I was sitting completely still on the couch, but I could feel her eyes intensely on me.

It felt like hours passed in that uncomfortable silence before she finally spoke, "Naomi..."

I glanced up at her briefly, but I could hardly even look at her… even her voice made violent chills run down my spine only because of the huskiness and sweetness it held. Because it was so distinctly her voice.

"So, how was it then?" I asked coldly after a few moments of silence, but I couldn't quite keep the hurt out of my voice despite my best efforts, "Did she make you scream as loud as I did?"

She flinched at the question. I don't think she expected me to be that cold, to be that callous, but something within me wouldn't let my guards down around her anymore. Something had changed.

"Naomi, I..." She started, undoubtedly trying to explain herself as she tried to close the space between us. I wouldn't let her.

"Don't." I cut her off sharply, and put up my hand to stop her from moving closer to me, "I don't want to hear it."

"Please, don't do that..." She pleaded quietly, but remained where she was, "I... I didn't have a choice..."

"You didn't have a choice? Really?" I asked disbelievingly. I couldn't help the cold scoff that followed as the memory of Emily pushing her tongue down Moore's throat all too willingly came fresh to mind, "That excuse is really getting old, hun."

She looked like I'd just slapped her across the face as I got up from the couch and started walking away from her. I didn't get far before she exclaimed hurt, "What's that supposed to mean?"

I turned around on her again and immediately snapped, "You know exactly what it means." I was losing the little control I had over my emotions as tears started welling up in my eyes, "Tell me, is it something you tell all of your clients, that you don't kiss on the mouth, just to make them feel special?"

The realisation of what I was on about became clear as day in her eyes as a growing unease and a sense of guilt settled around her. A part of me had hoped she would deny it had ever happened, that she would convince me of that fact and erase any memory I had of it, but instead she said nothing. The possibility that I had been played all along seemed more real than ever.

"Go on, lie to me, I wanna see this." I pushed when she still didn't answer, but simply turned her head away, unable to look me in the eye. "That's what I thought." I managed to add through my choked up voice.

"Naomi, I… I really didn't have -"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence." I cut her off harshly, already knowing what she was going to say. I'd heard it so many times, after all, "I gave you a choice, Emily! You could've left with me, you could've chosen me, but you… you just didn't."

She was looking at me with those Goddamn gorgeous, tear filled eyes full of pain and hurt… noticeably missing, however, was the one emotion I desperately wanted to see there. Regret.

"That was never a real choice for me, Naomi, don't you see that? I couldn't choose you."

Her words seemed to hurt me more and more every time she opened her mouth. I'd thought that I couldn't possibly hurt more than I did before she stepped through the door… I was wrong.

"Why not?" I asked, my voice breaking unintentionally, making me sound as heartbroken as I felt. I hated it.

She was looking me right in the eye when she spoke next, "Because you wouldn't be standing here if I had."

We were staring each other down in silence, tears threatening to spill over in our eyes. I really wanted nothing more than to believe, and to be okay with the fact, that, supposedly, she'd done it all for me, to protect me. I just didn't… couldn't.

"So, we're back at that then, are we? You fucked her, kissed her, to protect me..." I almost laughed at the irony of it all, "Yeah, it looked really hard on you, it did."

She frowned disbelievingly at my words, "Do you honestly believe I enjoyed doing that?" She asked pained, "That I enjoyed any of it?"

"I don't know, Emily!" I replied honestly, defeatedly, "Did you?"

She looked at me like she couldn't believe I'd even think that… but the truth was, I honestly didn't know what I believed anymore. I wanted to believe so badly that she didn't, that she felt the same about me as I did about her, but I just didn't know.

"You should bloody well know the answer to that question by now, Naomi, otherwise you really don't know me as well as I thought you did."

I couldn't help the humorless laugh that left me, "That's the issue here, though, isn't it?" I asked, my voice more choked up than I liked, "I'm not sure I know you at all… if any of this is even real between us."

It was the truth. Ever since I saw her with Moore, I'd been more and more convinced that everything between us had been a lie. Some kind of scam to distort me or something. I realised then that I didn't trust her… maybe I never did.

"How can you say that?" She frowned disconcerted, "You know that we... that I..."

"That what, Emily?" I asked, almost desperately, when she didn't finish the sentence as I'd already known she wouldn't. If there was one thing she'd probably never tell me, it was how she really felt. And even if she did, I wasn't sure I'd believe it, "You what?"

Silence fell over us yet again. I'm not sure how much time passed, but it was only when I was certain that she wouldn't answer the question and finish her sentence, no matter how much I wanted her to, that I decided to break the silence.

"This is all so fucking ridiculous, really…" I added in a humorless, quiet laugh as tears escaped my eyes, "I hate the thought of anyone else having you... and I don't even have you myself."

The tears were running down her cheeks as she almost pleaded in a low and completely pained voice, "Don't say that… You have me more than anyone else."

The tears started falling faster on my own cheeks, despite me trying my best not to cry in front of her, "It's not enough." I managed to say through the thick emotions that felt like they were choking me. I hated how broken and defeated I sounded.

She was crying, hard. I didn't know whether my own pain or hers hurt me more, I just knew that the pain I was feeling was too much for me. I couldn't stand it and for the first time since I met her I wondered if I would be better off without her.

"I don't know what's worse..." I continued through the tears, "Not having you the way I want you… or not having you at all."

I was about to turn around when she took me completely off guard and grabbed me before slamming our lips hard together in a turmoil of tears, clashing teeth and desperate tongues.

I wanted her so much, but I wanted all of her… and I wanted her for myself. I was brutally reminded of the latter, when I swore the kiss tasted differently. She tasted differently.

I pushed her back roughly and looked at her with disdain, "Don't." I told her firmly, trying hard not to cry, but it was no use, "I can still fucking taste her on you."

I turned around and walked away to the study, leaving her looking as heartbroken and pained as I felt.

I don't know how much time passed. I don't even know how I was still awake. I was sat in the study with a bottle of whiskey, a present from the board when I made head of legal, when the door slowly opened a while later.

"Naoms..." Emily called warily as she entered the study cautiously.

"Don't call me that." I snapped without looking up at her before taking a large drink from the bottle. I didn't need to watch her to feel her flinch. I made her do that a lot.

"Please…" She begged, clearly still upset, but I still couldn't look at her, "Just come to bed and we'll… We'll sort everything out in the morning."

I couldn't help the cold scoff. What the fuck did she expect? "Right, like I'm sharing a bed with you right now."

I knew I was hurting her. It was, to some extend, exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to hurt her as much as she'd hurt me.

She walked over to the desk where I was sitting and made me look at her. Her face was sort of puffy and eyes red from crying. She had showered, thankfully, and was only wearing my green jumper. It didn't look the same on her anymore.

"I promise you, Naomi, it was all an act... it meant nothing." She told me through the tears that had started falling again. I hated watching her cry, to be the reason behind. Her words didn't matter though, because I couldn't find it in myself to believe her. I tried to look away then, but she wouldn't let me, "I only want you. I only want to be wanted by you."

I looked up at her in surprise at her words… It was possibly the closest thing she'd been to confessing her feelings for me and it seemed so genuine… so heartfelt… I don't know what exactly came over me, but to the surprise of both of us, I kissed her, hard.

The kiss wasn't heartfelt, however… it wasn't a soft, forgiving reunion between our lips. It was angry, and aggressive… it was so different from every other kiss we'd shared... it felt almost foreign.

I stood up and steered her in front of the desk, lifting her up on the edge a moment after. She wrapped her legs around me and roughly pulled off my top, leaving me in my bra. Her nails dug angrily into whatever bare skin they could reach as I bit down hard on her lip, my grip tightening in her hair.

She reached down and unbuttoned my jeans before roughly pushing her hand down past my knickers. I didn't even bother to pull the jumper off of her before my own hand found her center as well. I wanted her so much and yet not at all… it was a strange contradicting feeling.

Neither of us were particularly wet, but it didn't matter much as we pushed inside the other, both flinching and trying to somehow fuck the pain away. That's all it was. A fuck… it wasn't making love or even as much as making up. It was just fucking… and I hated it.

Still though, it was like I needed her to come for me, I needed to somehow make her mine again, even if she'd never actually been that. So I kept moving my fingers inside of her as she did the same, the same need reflecting in her movements. A part of me wanted to move her hand away from me, to deny her that need for me, but I couldn't do it, because, truthfully, I wanted her to need me as well.

We didn't get our release though… neither of us. I suppose that is both the curse and blessing of the female orgasm… your mind play a much bigger role than most give it credit for. Opposed to men, we can't just fuck and expect release... even when we most need it. A part of me couldn't help but think of it as a sign... maybe she wasn't meant to be mine.

Our movements had stopped, but we were still inside the other as we were resting against each other. I'm not sure how long we were like that, but then I suddenly became aware of how sweet she smelled, having no longer Moore's scent about her. I became aware of how familiar her breathing was, yet, wasn't and how her body fit mine perfectly in all the wrong places. It was cliché worthy, really. It felt so right, but was still so wrong.

I pulled out of her, making her wince slightly as she did the same.

"Please..." She broke the silence in a choked up voice, "Come to bed with me."

I was overwhelmed by exhaustion and although it was probably the last thing that I wanted, I heard myself reply with a simple, "Okay."

It was late afternoon when I woke up. I hadn't slept well and I felt more tired than when I went to sleep. I'd been lying with my back to Emily the entire time. She'd moved close to me, but hadn't dared to touch me, fortunately.

She was still asleep when I woke up, but then again, she'd had a much stronger need for sleep than I did… the thought made a cold shiver run down my spine. I looked at her while she slept; she was frowning in her sleep and was a lot more restless than I'd ever experienced her. She normally looked so peaceful.

I had to look away. Looking at her hurt more than I was able to handle... Every time I looked at her, I couldn't help but imagine her and Moore together. I saw them together in various positions flashing through my mind… I saw her touch her… kiss her.

I threw away the covers and sat up in bed. Thankfully, she didn't wake up. I glanced over at her once more, fighting through the pain, as I took one long last look at her before I got up, gathered some stuff in an overnight bag and left the flat.

Effy didn't say anything as she held the door open for me. I think she knew I'd show up eventually.

"Naomi..." Cook said pitifully when I walked through the living room. He never called me by my first name, so I knew I must've looked like right shit.

"Don't." I told him as I dropped the bag I'd brought on the floor and sat down on the couch, "It is what it is."

An uncomfortable silence settled over us. Cook was never one for keeping quiet like myself and Effy, and it was pretty clear that he wanted to say something... But I already knew what it was.

"Just say it..." I broke the silence as I glanced over at him tiredly.

"I wasn't gonna say anything, Blondie." Cook answered quietly, the guilty look betraying him.

"But you were thinking it, weren't you?" I snapped at him, unintentionally letting my anger out on him. He kept quiet and glanced down on the floor, "Come on then, out with it. This is exactly what you told me would happen, wasn't it? That she'd break my fucking heart."

"Naomi..." Effy warned, shooting me a scolding glance. It wasn't Cook's fault, I knew that, but I was still so angry… so hurt.

I glanced away from their pitiful looks, afraid they'd see the tears welling up in my eyes. I wasn't going to cry in front of them.

"I'm sorry..." I said quietly after a few moments, "I'm just..."

"Hurting." Effy finished for me, summing up the whirlwind of feelings inside of me.

I nodded quietly as silence fell over us again only to be broken a moment later by the sound of my phone informing us of an incoming call. Emily.

I stared at her name, frozen, for a few moments before I ignored it, not even letting it ring out, but making it clear that I didn't want to talk to her. She called again, I ignored it a second time.

"What happened when she got home this morning?" Effy suddenly asked, making me glance away from my phone in confusion. I thought the answer to that question to be rather obvious, especially to Effy. At the look I shot her, she decided to elaborate, "Specifically."

I was just about to answer when I got distracted by Emily who had decided to try texting instead.

Emily: Where are you? Are you OK?

Emily: Naomi, please just talk to me...

Emily: I'm so sorry.

I felt the tears spring to my eyes again… I was so tired of crying, of hurting like that. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't stand talking to her, couldn't even stand seeing her name across the screen of my phone. I shut it off.

I ignored the looks Effy and Cook were sending me and started telling them what had happened that morning. I didn't leave anything out… I didn't see the point.

A moment passed as they took in what I'd told them. It was Effy who finally broke the silence, "So you left her in your bed while she was still asleep… after fucking her on your desk… without even telling her where you went."

The accusing tone tinting her voice wasn't lost on me, but I wasn't the fucking bad guy, "And leaving me in the club last night to go and fuck someone else was so much better?"

"You're acting like she cheated on ya, mate." Cook told me, stupidly.

"Because that's exactly what it feels like." I said firmly. I was perfectly aware that, technically, she hadn't, since we hadn't even begun to define our relationship, but I couldn't help the way I felt.

Effy hadn't said anything else, but was looking as thoughtful as ever.

"Excuse me." She said suddenly before grabbing her phone and making her way to the kitchen.

"Where are you going?" I asked confused, but quickly catched on when she shot me a pointed look, "Don't fucking call her, Eff. I mean it."

I'd stood up to follow her, maybe to tackle the phone out of her hand, but I was too late. She'd already pressed dial and Emily was quick to pick up.

"Emily..." Effy said into the phone as she glanced at me briefly before actually closing the door in front of me, "Yeah, she's here..."

I groaned in frustration before reluctantly walking back to the couch, "Fucking twat."

A small smile was tugging on the corners of Cook's mouth, "Ya know she's only doing what she thinks is best for ya, Princess."

"Yeah, well maybe she should mind her own fucking business for once." I snapped harshly. I knew he was right of course, but I couldn't seem to control my temper.

Cook looked worriedly at me for a few moments, "That anger… it's not good for ya."

I couldn't help the quiet, humorless laugh that left me, "And what do you suggest, Cook? That I go back to the club and take out my anger on White and Moore? 'Cause I might be into that."

Cook shook his head and looked at me in all seriousness, "Despite me wanting to kick both o' their fookin' heads in, it's not what Cookie had in mind."

I looked at him confused, but didn't have a chance to ask him to elaborate as Effy came back from the kitchen.

"You're welcome." Was all she said as she made her way to the armchair.

"I'm welcome?" I repeated disbelievingly, "I didn't ask you to fucking do that, quite the opposite, actually."

Effy sat down in the chair and looked at me evenly, "She hadn't a clue where you'd gone, Naomi. She was worried as fuck."

"Suits her right..." I answered quietly, coldly. For some reason I felt guilty as soon as the words had left my mouth though. I suddenly found myself wanting to know what else she'd said… if she was in as much pain as I was.

"She sounded the exact way you're looking. Fucking broken." Effy answered my thoughts with a distinctive offensive edge to her voice. She was getting annoyed with me, "... In case you were wondering."

"Why are you talking to me like I'm the bad guy here?" I snapped at her, angry that it suddenly seemed that she was all team Emily, "I sure as hell wasn't the one to push my tongue down Moore's throat and then fuck her right after choosing her over the girl I claim to care about."

Effy kept looking at me with the same pointed stare, "No, you weren't." She agreed before continuing, "But you're hardly the only victim here, Naomi... You knew what you were getting yourself into when you signed that contract and right now you're punishing her for something you, essentially, don't have a say in."

I looked disbelievingly at her when something hit me, "Are we still talking about Emily, or is this really about Freddie?"

Her stoic expression faltered slightly as it hardened just a bit, "Why would this be about Freddie?"

"Don't fucking give me that. You know why." I shot back, but she kept her cool, "You think I'm punishing Emily the same as Freddie is you, don't you? Well, maybe you fucking deserve it."

Effy glanced away from me like I'd actually slapped her. She never did that. She was always so cool, so stoic, that it never occurred to me that I could actually hit a nerve like that. I knew that I didn't actually mean it like that, that I was just letting my issues with Emily out on her because it was easier, but I couldn't admit that.

"Ladies, ladies..." Cook said as he leaned in slightly between us and gestured with his hands that we calm down, "Calm ya tits, yeah? Relationships are fookin' tarts, ain't they? But we don't let them come between us… We're the three musketeers!"

Silence fell between us at first, but then we couldn't help the small laugh that left us. He was such a tit.

"The three musketeers?" I repeated incredulously, still half laughing, "Really? What the fuck have you been smoking like..."

Cook merely grinned boyishly, but Effy still didn't say anything, despite the laughter having dissolved the tension.

"Did she say anything else?" I finally asked after a while, deciding that despite Effy calling Emily without my consent, it had been the right thing to do.

"She said to tell you that she wasn't going anywhere and that when you're ready to talk, you know where she'll be." Effy answered, finally glancing back at me again. I nodded quietly in reply, but couldn't help but think she only stayed because of the contract.

"Blondie..." Cook said after a few moments of silence, "We know you're hurting, yeah? And we're both here for ya for whatever ya need, but don't run away from her, 'cause it's rare, innit? Finding someone who makes ya happy."

"But she's not… is she?" I answered quietly, "Not anymore..."

"Give it time..." Effy added in, "At least give her a chance to explain… to make things right."

I thought about what she said, but at the moment I didn't think it made much of a difference. I was too hurt, too angry, to even think about talking with her. I needed space.

"I can stay here, right?" I asked after a while, "Just for a bit… while I figure everything out."

Both Effy and Cook looked at me with slight disappointment in their eyes, but they both nodded in agreement before Effy said, "Stay as long as you'd like."

A/N: So... what did you guys think? I'd love if you'd post a review or send me a PM with nothing but your honest thoughts on this chapter - would definitely help me in my future writing. Also... I'm really curious to know - whose side are you on? Did Emily cheat in your opinion? Is Naomi overreacting? Does it really matter how you define a relationship if one of ye feels it's something more? Let me knoooow x