Note: Can you tell I was in the Halloween "spirit" here? XD Though of course my timing's off… but I just wanted to sum up the little holidays that I skipped over last chapter. Riku's narration here seems a bit… off? And I can't tell why… Sorry I'm kind of traveling through time so fast. But my timeline is really specific and I have to be speedy if I want to finish this fic sometime before I die. :p Sorry it took me all this time to produce this lousy chapter.
Chapter 21's coming tomorrow, folks! D

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Chapter 20
(Riku's POV)

I feel like my head was just run over by a car. I want to throw up, but I don't really feel like putting in the effort it takes to get up and walk to the bathroom.

Someone, please, kill me now.

I guess it is a little better when Sora comes in, carrying an enormous water bottle under his arm, a bowl resting on his palm, and a small bottle of something clasped in his other hand.

"Hey," He greets me quietly, gently setting everything down on the table next to me. "Dad went down to the store, and I asked him to pick up some stuff I thought would help you."

Oh, shit.

"…Did you tell…?"

"No." He says with a shrug. "I didn't say anything." I thank him, but my face is in the pillow. It comes out muffled and meaningless. "Anyway… I got you some aspirin. Take that and drink lots of water, okay?" I mindlessly nod and gladly take the aspirin. The pain's positively unbearable. Sora plays with the end of his sleeve before reaching over and brushing some loose strands of hair behind my ear, as he always does. "And I got you something to eat, too." I groan. God, Sora. Please don't mention food… "It's almost eleven. You should probably get something in your stomach. It's just Mac and Cheese, so… it's really light…"He gets me into a comfortable sitting position like he's done this one thousand times before. I've never seen him so… natural.

Ugh, I don't know. Wasn't his mom a huge drunk or something? Nathan used to lock himself in his room when he was hungover… When I'd try to help he'd lock his door, when I'd knock he'd throw things…

It hurts to think. I close my eyes, wanting to go back to sleep, but Sora keeps nagging me to eat. "Makes you feel better." He insists. I don't feel angry or annoyed as he pushes the warm bowl into my hands. Hesitantly, I begin to eat.

One bite's enough-- I'm up so fast to get to the bathroom I get dizzy. At least I make it just in time to empty the contents of my stomach in the toilet and not on the floor. I slowly make my way back to the bed. Sora's still there with that fucking blue bowl. "You alright?" He asks.

"Fine." I reply. My throat feels raw and dry. Barely any sound comes out. He pulls me close and I rest my head on his shoulder. I'm finally comfortable. I don't want to move. Ever. He strokes my hair: something he hasn't done in a very long time.

"Want to try again?" He asks.

"Hm?"

"Want to try to finish your breakfast?" No. I never want to eat again. But I don't say it out loud, so he grabs the bowl and sets it in my lap. Even if I had said no, he would have done the same. It's easier to stomach the second time around, and I am feeling a little better two more aspirins and a giant gulp of water later. I lay back down, and Sora remains by my side.

This certainly isn't the reaction I was expecting from him. I don't know what I was expecting. I don't know what I was thinking.

But the drinking felt good at the time... I like not having to care. If it weren't for the fact that I feel like shit afterward, I'd have started doing it sooner.

I contemplate it as I slowly drift into a deep, deep sleep.

-

I wake up sometime in the late afternoon, feeling much better. Sora isn't the calm little saint that he was a few hours ago.

"What's wrong with you?" He asks me. All I did was say hi… it's not normal for him to come out on the balcony like this.

"…What?"

"No, really. What the hellis your problem?"

"I'm not following…"

I haven't seen him this mad since he found that knife in my duffel bag when we were still out on the streets. "Are you even thinking at all? Coming home drunk in the middle of the fucking night?" I completely tense up. I'm just slightly freaked out, having never heard him talk like this before. "I was worried about you…" I don't reply. Instead, I take him by the wrist and pull him by me. He sits down next to me, arms crossed, staring in the other direction. "Tell me it won't happen again, Riku." He pleads. "Tell me."

I bury my head in the back of his neck, put my arms around him, pull him closer to me. "It won't happen again."

But it's not the complete truth. I want to go out and get drunk, and come back in the middle of the fucking night--as Sora put it-- and never have to care again.

I just don't know if I really will or not.

By the time I come downstairs, dinner's already been made.

Have I seriously been "out" for that long? As I sit down at the table, Mr. Hart asks if I'm feeling alright. For some reason, I can't look him in the eye when I tell him I've just been feeling a little under the weather.

What's wrong with me?

-

I excuse myself from dinner early. I don't exactly know why, but I felt so horribly uncomfortable I just couldn't stand it.

I just want to sleep. I still feel sick. Slowly, I stagger over to the desk by the balcony I always write at. I pick up my pen and… nothing comes to me. I try to just start writing, but it's all nonsense.

And… it doesn't bother me. I don't care. I honestly don't care if I ever write again.

I just need to sleep. It's all I feel like doing.

I wake up when the first rays of sunlight hit my eyes, at 6 in the morning. Sora must have crawled into bed right next to me at some point in the night, sleeping on his stomach, head rested in folded arms. He looks so tan, his hair so dark, against the creamy sheets… he's amazing, but for some reason, I just want him to go away. I don't know what's up with me. Everything was so perfect and now…

I guess I'm just going through one of those fazes, and it'll pass soon enough. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it's always just been my head.

That sounds good.

I close my eyes and shift around just enough to find a cool spot on my pillow. Four days. Four days until school starts up again. Start of the new year tomorrow, but we don't have plans. I'll probably just sneak in here around eleven and let Sora celebrate with his Dad. It's not like they actually spend any time together without me there to intrude on their little father-son stuff.

Gah, the holidays suck.

-

When I wake up this morning, I head right downstairs. I've been sleeping too much lately… it's a restless sleep, too, so even when I do get that rare eight-hour sleep I still feel as though I've been up all night long. Mr. Hart's up as well. He usually is.

I head over to the couch and lay down. I don't know why I'm so tired all the time. I'm sore, too. All around my back and shoulders…but that's not very unusual, I guess. Four months off the streets and I'm still sore from having to carry my entire world on my back. Even physical therapy didn't do much…

Mr. Hart's all over the place. Getting coffee, going through cupboards in the kitchen, eating, reading. His presence doesn't bother me at all any more. I'm past the point where I find him intimidating in any way. Past the point where I need to make that good impression…

"Riku," He asks me, taking a seat next to me on the couch, hand on my shoulder-- and his voice is so gentle I'm wondering what he's going to say. "Are you on drugs?"

…but that doesn't mean he doesn't still shock the hell out of me sometimes.

"What?" I sputter. "I… no!!"

"If you were, would you tell me?"

"No!"

How could he…he…I… what? Where the hell did any of this even come from? I guess I look pretty confused because he goes ahead and starts explaining himself. "You've been so withdrawn lately. Staying out late…"

"Once."

"…and sleeping a lot, as well. I was just wondering." He looks at me, and drops me an obvious hint. "Or if you're not feeling well?"

"I'm fine." I assure him. "Really… I've just been feeling a little…"

"Do you want to see a doctor?"

I shiver despite myself.

"I don't know. It's not that bad, really…"

He shakes his head, puts his hand over mine. "I really think you should. You don't sleep." It fucking creeps me out that he knows this.

"What…?"

He puts his hand up, stopping me from saying any more. "Because I'm a light sleeper, too, and whenever you get up and go downstairs it wakes me up."

"I'm sorry."

He grins. "Don't be. I should take my sleeping pills… Sandy even bugs me about it all the time and I still don't." I've heard her before, scolding Mr. Hart because he always complains about not sleeping but never takes his pills. She's a nurse, and really motherly on top of it. She's a bit uptight about that stuff. His expression softens once again, and he squeezes my hand. "You're sure you're all right?"

No. "Yes." He reaches over and strokes my cheek once, and it freaks me out. I don't know why I'm so hypersensitive today.

"I think I might make an appointment for you anyway if this continues. Fair?"

"…Sure." I can't take my eyes off of his hand. I want him to stop touching me. I try to be subtle when I shake him off, but I'm either too subtle or he's being stubborn. He's got his hand on my shoulder now. I close my eyes to tune out the touch. It isn't until he puts his hand on my knee and squeeze it that I really lose myself. "Get your hands off me!" I shout, rapidly drawing back. "Don't touch me. If you're trying to fuck with me then forget it! I…" I finish weakly, "I give…"

"Riku--?" He sounds shocked if nothing else, and I take this opportunity to leave. I automatically head to the beach, not caring that I left a stunned Mr. Hart behind me.

I know I'm going to have to answer some questions when I get back. I don't know what happened back there. I don't know why I freaked out. I've been so jittery for the past few days. That's part of the reason it was so nice to just go out and drink and forget about all this shit that's always up with me. I close my eyes and lay back. God, what's Mr. Hart going to say when I get back?

I should just get back. Get this all over with. So I get back up to my feet and slowly walk right back to this house. Once I get to the front door, I stand still. I wonder if I can wait here forever?

Man. Look at me…I'm ashamed. I keep making one mistake after another. I'm preparing myself to knock on the door and come in and just… expect the worst. But before my fist even makes contact with the door, it swings open.

"Riku!" Sora says. "I was just coming out to look for you."

"Oh. I…" I fumble with my words, just trying to come up with any sort of excuse, any explanation but before I do, he's pulling me inside, telling me that he finally made his dad bake some of those cookies that had been craving for so long, that I should get some while they're still hot and gooey…

Mr. Hart shoots me a look as I walk in, but it isn't an angry look. I'm not at all surprised when he pulls me aside to talk to me.

"You're not okay." He says with such a casual air that it's comforting and scary in equal amounts.

"I know." I can't believe I find myself agreeing with him, even though I know he's right.

"So… what's wrong, then?"

"I don't know." I shove my hands in my pockets and stare at the ground. "I really don't know."

"You think you're just coming down with something?"

I shake my head, sick of using that old excuse, sick of lying. "No. I just… go through these weird fazes. It's nothing."

"Fazes like what?" He asks. He reaches out to put his hand on my shoulder, but wisely stops himself.

"I.. It's just…" It's something I've never put into words before, and I don't really want to attempt it. "I go through periods where I feel fine, and then it just comes crashing down. Then it's fine again." Mr. Hart crosses his arms and scowls, staring down at the ground. "Look, it's not a big deal."

"You should see someone about that." He says anyway.

"It's alright, really. I'm used to it."

"Wouldn't you rather get used to feeling 'fine' all of the time?" He asks gently, and that totally throws me off.

"I guess so." I reply before even realizing I've said it. This makes Mr. Hart happy. He's glad to help. All he wants is to help.

"Then let's get you do see a doctor. See if there's anything that can be done about this."

"Okay."

He smiles again as he starts back to the kitchen, but before he totally vanishes from sight he says, "It'll be a whole new you, right?" At first I don't even realize he's talking to me.

A whole New me for a whole New life in a whole New year.

It doesn't sound too bad, really. Not too bad at all.

The New year is steadily approaching. It's a matter of hours.

I'm actually looking forward to it.

--

Around eight, Sora comes into the living room wielding cider. Without even acknowledging my existence, he's buzzing around every room in the house, bringing out food, drinks, and anything on the entire planet that is capable of making any noise.

"Why do you need all of that?" I ask him, once all the watching gets old.

"For the party." …party? "Uh, didn't I tell you?"

"No, you didn't." I reply, much more harshly than intended. He looks really hurt. "No, it's okay… It's fine, really." He takes a seat right next to me on the couch and I pat my leg once, signaling him to sit on my lap. And he does.

"I'm sorry." He murmurs, pressing his forehead against mine. "I totally forgot, I--"

"I don't care. It's no big deal." I mutter in response, burying my face in his chest. I take a deep breath in--I almost can't help it. He smells really good, but I don't know why. He's not really the type to wear cologne or anything.

"I changed soaps." He says, suddenly. I swear to God he's psychic. "Like it?"

"Yeah." I gently push him off of me and toy absently with a lock of his hair. "Who's coming?" Sora lays back, throwing his legs over mine.

"Kairi, Selphie… Tidus, Wakka, and some of my classmates and their siblings."

"What, you invite the whole school?" He grins and shrugs sheepishly. Then, he looks guilty again.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Then you could have invited your friends." I mentally snort. Sora… meeting my 'friends'? Yeah, right. I'm sure thatwould go over real well.

"I told you, it's fine."

"I just feel so bad…"

"Don't."

"But, I…"

"Don't." Oddly enough, this makes him smile again.

"Uh, hey… some guys from Dad's work are dropping over, too. Just… so you know."

"Should I go into 'make-a-good-impression-mode' again like a good little boy?" I ask with a smirk. This earns me a laugh, like I intended it to.

"Yeah," He replies. "I guess we both need to." He closes his eyes and rests his hands on the back of his head, arms folded. He does that a lot, especially when he's thinking about something. "So, how are we going to kill time for two hours before everyone arrives?"

I can't help but smirk again. "I can think of three good things." Sora glances over and his eyes meet mine. I just give him a "yeah, you know" look. He lunges over, pushing me down and climbing on top of me.

Well… I didn't expect him to bethat enthusiastic. I can't keep forgetting that he takes every little innuendo seriously. Nevertheless, I wrap my arms around him and kiss back. He's the first to deepen the kiss, as usual, opening his mouth and licking my lips. I go along with him for a while, but I can't get my mind to stop wandering.

"Um…" He starts, pulling away and sitting up, still on top of me. Damn, that feels… weird… "Riku, you're not kissing back."

"Oh, really?"

He chews his lip. Agh, I hate when he does that. "Yeah… you alright?"

"I am." It's the truth, but Sora isn't having it.

"Uh huh. You sure?" I push him off me and sit up.

"Yeah, I'm sure." And I make it plenty obvious that he's pissing me off.

…Except now he looks hurtagain and I feel guilty, like it's my fault he's incredibly annoying, or something. So I lean back in for another kiss.

"You're so weird." He murmurs, returning the act. I open my mouth, shudder when his tongue slips in. He pulls away. "You close your eyes." He says, suddenly.

"Huh?"

"You close your eyes when you kiss."

"…Yeah, so…?" He smiles and kisses me once more.

"No reason."

"Just feeling observant?"

He smiles. "Yeah, I guess so…God, Riku, I…" He closes his eyes and bites his lip again. "I lost my train of thought." He sighs and squints. "…What was I going to say…?"

"So, when's everyone coming?" I ask, simply for the purpose of changing the subject. I don't need to hear Sora ramble on for three hours trying to remember what he was trying to tell me.

"A half hour." He replies, quickly. "Give or take… the guys from Dad's work will be here sooner, though."

"Hmm."

Suddenly, Sora's lips curl into a small smile. "Remember Halloween?" He asks. I can't help but smile as well.

Yeah, I remember Halloween.

It snuck up on us so fast we didn't plan to do anything that day. Which was fine enough. I'm too damn old to be dressing up. We all are.

But it didn't stop Selphie and Kairi to both come decked out in outrageous, slutty witch costumes, and it didn't stop most of the kids to come dressed similarly.

Morons.

When we got off the bus, we met up with Kairi and Selphie. I stood off to the side as they talked about costumes, and how they wished Sora would have dressed up.

"No problem!" Selphie said, pulling something from her bag: cat ears. "Which one of you is going to wear these?!"

"Not me." Sora said so quickly I wondered if it had been planned.

"Riku…?"

"Not me." I said, too late. "No." I insisted, even as Selphie's grin got bigger and bigger.

"Riku…!"

Too little. Too late.

Long story short, she got me in the cat ears. In a frighteningly similar way than when she got me to "dress up" for Sora's birthday, too. The minute I was out of her sight I would take the damn things off, but was still forced to put them back on at lunch.

We went to a Halloween festival that night. It was held in the streets; roads were closed down especially for the event. It's all a bit of a blur; the lights were so bright, the music so loud, people so unrecognizable. I kept losing Sora and Selphie and Kairi.

At exactly 12:01 AM, we headed up to a large platform. There, we were handed back some pumpkins the girls had carved earlier in the week.

"People usually come up here around midnight, 'cause it isn't Halloween anymore." She explained, shouting over the noise from the crowd. "And we just throw our pumpkins off the ledge."

"What if I accidentally throw it on someone?" Sora asked.

"The area's blocked off. Wouldn't happen." Kairi said-- or something similar. She lost her voice at some point during the night and was now impossible to hear.

"Ready?" Selphie shrieked. "One… two…three… GO!" And at that, we dropped our pumpkins. They landed on the ground with a thump, shattered into thousands of pieces.

Soon after, we got ready to leave. Sora was practically falling asleep on me.

"See you at school." Sora said as we went our separate ways.

"Bye." Kairi mumbled.

"Bye, Mister Kitty Ears." Selphie giggled, tugging at one of the ears she--yet again-- forced me to wear. "You can keep them, too, if you like."

"Oh, look, the bus is coming." I replied instead of killing the girl. "'Later."

Once we boarded the nearly empty bus, Sora rested his head on my shoulder.

"Have fun…?" He murmured.

"Mmm. You?"

He tiredly nodded.

"Hey… Riku?"

"What?"

"You know you're still wearing the cat ears, right?"

…Damn.

And that's Halloween in a nutshell, I guess. And shortly after, Sora's family came to visit. Christmas-- Winter Solstice, Mr. Hart says, half-jokingly -- was nice and… understated, you could say. (Different names, same thing. Winter Holiday, family, presents, whatever.)

And now here we are… I shiver from the cold and zip up my jacket.

The doorbell rings. We both remain seated for a few seconds. I expect him to get up just as he expects me to get up. We stare at each other like fools until Sora gets up to answer the door. But Mr. Hart gets there before he does, and it's his friends from work anyway. Sora just shrugs and smiles, taking my hand in his and lacing our fingers together. At some point Mr. Hart comes in and introduces his friends and I nod vaguely, though I'm not really all here.

And I'm not all here when Sora's friends and classmates come.

And I'm not all here as I slowly head upstairs to our room as the clock gets closer and closer to striking twelve. I sit out on my balcony, even though the bitter cold is absolutely ripping through my body, even though I can hear everyone downstairs and know I should be there, I mean it's Sora's party and all, but…

I don't know. Too many people. Too much celebration. Not enough booze.

Or something like that.

I lean against the railing, my face pressed against the wooden bars, ready to doze off.

"Hey," For a moment I'm not sure if someone's really talking to me or if it's a product of the very beginning of a dream. Either way my head snaps up, ready to find the source of the voice: Sora. It's so dark it takes a moment for his image to swim into view. "It's almost midnight." He says, wrapping his arms around me. "Just three more minutes. Tired already?" He grins.

"No, I was just going to ask you the same thing…" My little joke isn't too convincing. I'm tired as hell and know I look it.

But downstairs we can hear everyone counting down already. Huh. Sora mouths along with them, the way he mouths along with his book as he does his homework.

"Five… four… three… two… one…" And right at one, Sora practically smashes his face against mine while kissing me.

But it's not a terrible way to start the new year.

Really not bad at all.

--

The start of a whole New me doesn't look too good. The doctor decides to try out some medications, to see if that'll work. And I actually think, 'hey, what the hell. Why not?'

The first medication makes me sick at night.

I'm up until 1AM, 3AM, 5AM. I sleep in all day, too hopeless, too weary to get out of bed.

I sleep through the entire first day back to school. Even though in the morning, Sora's shaking me, urging me to get up and get dressed.

"I'm tired too." He says, trying to sympathize with me but much too light-hearted to match my mood.

"I'll meet you there." I tell him, turning over. Sora's worried, I know. He hesitates, unsure if the situation is drastic enough for him to call his father in. But he just slings his backpack over his shoulder and tells me he'll see me at break or something.

But I never get up. I sleep in all day. A deep, restless sleep. I dream of white walls and syringes, of stiff sheets and medical equipment.

Why get out of bed? I mean, what's the point? I can make up schoolwork maybe later. It's okay, I have time, I'm sick.

I'm very very sick.

And there's no cure but sleep. I'll just sleep forever if I have to. I just won't wake up if that's what I have to.

Sora comes back around four.

"Hi." He whispers, crawling next to me. "You never made it. Are you alright?" I turn over again, unresponsive. "You asleep?" A beat. "…I guess so." He leaves and gently closes the door behind him. After what feels like a second, he's back. "Riku? Are you okay? You slept through dinner. And school…" I turn over, all the covers now either tangled around my legs or kicked onto the floor. "It's the meds, isn't it?" He asks wearily.
I close my eyes.

Some amount of time later, Mr. Hart comes in. He tells me to give it time. That I'm adjusting. He gets me up out of the bed and drags me downstairs to keep an eye on me probably because I'm insane I guess. But I don't care because my mind is clouded over I'm in this deep fog and I can't thinkbecause my brain just doesn't feel like it.

I slump over on the couch, next to Sora, watching TV but not really watching as I pick at my nails, pick at my sleeves, pick at the couch.

"Are you alright?" He asks. "Baby? Er, Riku? You look…" He struggles for the right word. I fall asleep before he finishes his thought.

One week later, as he arrives back from work, Mr. Hart offers a smile and says, "So, okay. That one's not working. We'll figure something out."

Like it's so so simple. I glance over at him from the couch and go back to the homework I can't concentrate on.

Because… what's the point?

-

From then on, we work to wane myself off the drugs. But I can't stand it. I'm worse off than ever. I'm jittery and jumpy. This was a bad idea. What the hell was I thinking? I was fine before. Everyone has fazes.

If Mr. Hart hadn't manipulated me…

I wouldn't feel this way if…

I growl in frustration, flushing the pills town the toilet. I'm through with it. I don't care what the consequences of not "properly" quitting may be. I'm done. Just so sick of it all.

When Mr. Hart calls me over for dinner, I can't seem to stop feeling sick for long enough to be able to sit and eat. I think I spent too much time on the meds to just quit like that.

How long has it been? Two weeks? Three weeks? A month? I don't know. It was too much of a blur.

"Mr. Hart?" I ask tiredly.

"Hm?"

"How long was I on the medication for…?"

He and Sora glance at each other.

"Just over a month." He answers. "Why?"

Because I don't remember any of it. "No reason. Are we going to try something else?"

"Only if you want to." I shiver despite myself. Damn it. Give me a real answer. A yes or no. "…Do you?"

"I don't know."

He just shrugs. "Hey, if you really think you don't need it, that's fine. The doctor said you could go either way." Because they don't know what the hell's wrong with me.

"I said I don't know."

"Yeah." He agrees. "You did."

-

Cold Turkey is killing me. Just over a month. That's all it takes, isn't it? Because I still can't concentrate. And I never realized how badly I was shaking until a girl who sits next to me in one of my classes asked if I was coming down with something. I don't even do homework any more. I can't concentrate long enough to just sit and do it. I feel too nauseas. Was I like this when I was going to school on meds?

On Friday, I go out and drink again. I'm more subtle, more in control. I come back at a decent hour after I've sobered up a bit, and Sora doesn't suspect a thing.

And I feel pretty good because it gets my mind off of everything for a while.

-

I'm not sure exactly what triggers it, but one day I totally lose it. Maybe it was the lack of sleep the night before, or the last of the horrible side effects of quitting the medication.

I think it starts when Sora harps on me for no reason. He just… comes in the room and says, "You're been a total asshole to me for weeks now. And don't use withdrawal as an excuse."

What the fuck. "Go away."

"Come on, Riku… I just want to be with you and you make it really impossible." Oh, oh no. He's preparing to give me another big speech. "I know you're going through a lot of crap." I'm not here, Sora. I'm tuning you out. "I understand. But you've been keeping me in the dark through the whole thing. I mean, I didn't even know you were going to go on medication for almost a week! Dad had to tell me what was going on. That's not right!"

"Then don't be so oblivious."

He slumps over, like he can't believe what he's hearing.

"Stop being such a bastard for a moment, okay?" He sighs.

"I'm not a bastard… you just make me that way."

We carry on like that for who-knows-how-long before we really start grating on each other's nerves. And he just won't go away.

First I throw a pillow at him.

Then a shirt that was laying on the ground.

Then a notebook.

I walk out of our room but he follows, getting louder and louder. He ends up following me--almost chasing me-- down the stairs. So I turn around to start screaming at him, continuing downstairs and passing through the kitchen, the living room, until I reach the front door. I fumble with the lock. Behind me, I think Sora's crying. I don't care… he asked for it.

I leave, ready to head down to the beach. But Sora isn't through. I'm almost halfway down the street when I hear Sora shout something about how he wishes he'd never met me. I respond by calling him a whiny little bitch, an obnoxious brat, and any other little abuse I can hurl before he slams the door shut. Even then I taunt him, knowing very well he can't hear me. I tell him that it's fine to just lock the door and hide. Cry to Daddy when he gets home, to tell him I'm a big bully.

Well, it's quiet now. My throat hurts from shouting, but I'm oddly emotionless. Sora wants to cry… let him cry.

I continue down the street, pushing the button at the crosswalk. Heavy traffic today. I watch the cars pass by in blurs, waiting for it to slow down enough for me to cross. No one else is around, oddly. Maybe one or two people on the other side of the road who need to cross, but other than that it's really just me all by my lonesome. I guess. It's only when I get bored and start looking around do I notice Sora standing behind me.

"Hey…" He murmurs. "Uh, if I was annoying you, sorry. But you really should have--"

"I don't want to hear it."

"But I'm just trying to--"

"Yeah, and I'm just trying to--"

We talk over each other, our words mashing together to the point where we aren't saying anything. We're just making sounds that don't mean anything to anyone.

And there's the point where I truly lose it: Cars be damned, I dive into the traffic, just to get away. Cars swerve and come to a screeching halt as they try to notkill me. Pissed drivers cuss me out, and even some of those people on the other side of the road are screaming at me. 'What, are you crazy, boy?' They bellow.

Yes.

Yes I am.

-

It isn't until I actually reach the beach that I realize the true impact of what I've done.

I hurt Sora. Badly.

I could have killed myself. Thus hurting Sora more.

I'm at a position where I'm in a strange state of despair. I feel hopeless and I don't know why. I should just go back and make things right. Apologize to Sora before he decides that he isn't going to put up with me any more.

Damn stupid Mr. Hart and his fucking medications. I should've said no before all of this even happened…

I'm not sure why I don't stop walking forward as the cold, salt water bites my toes through my shoes and the waves reach my waist.

I'm not sure why I don't turn around as the pain caused by the temperature slowly turns to a dull numbness.

I'm not sure of anything as I trip over my own feet and fall under water, consciousness flickering and, finally, fading.

Fading into black.