Tony let out a whoosh of breath after everyone was gone. "The people I thought would be happy for us aren't, and the ones I thought would give us shit didn't. This is so fucked up." Tony sank down on the couch and rubbed his hands over his face.

"Abs will come around," Gibbs said. "Seems like Ducky's starting to."

Tony grimaced. "I guess, maybe. Not sure of Abs. She didn't look surprised in a good way."

"We knew it might be a big surprise."

"Apparently not a good surprise," Tony muttered. "She didn't hug me. She's usually insistent on it. That's not a good sign."

Gibbs sighed. Tony was right but he didn't know what to do.

"Jet?"

"Hmm?"

"What if...what if Ducky is right...and this is about the PTSD?"

"PTSD or not, I know how I feel. Just because he doesn't get it doesn't mean we're wrong."

"I've never seen him like this. He's really worried, I think more about you than me, but…"

Gibbs stepped up to him and held out his hand and pulled him to his feet. Then, Gibbs put his arms around him. He didn't know what else to do. "It'll be okay."

Tony seemed to relax in the hug a little and hugged him back. "I was thinking...maybe we could see a shrink together and separately. I mean, maybe it would help ease Ducky's mind?"

Gibbs pulled back. "You really think that's necessary?"

"You're still getting panic attacks. I can tell something's been bothering you and I don't think it's just that you'd been shot. You've worked on the boat only once this entire week, it's like you're avoiding the basement, which is weird. I just...I don't know how to help. I know you hate shrinks, but Ducky is one of the few people whose opinion matters to me. I don't want him to look like that at us. And...it might do us both a lot of good."

Gibbs let out a huff of air. He hated shrinks and he didn't want to talk to one. Cyril had been trying to get him to go, as had Ducky. He just wasn't one to talk about his problems. On the other hand, the nightmares were bad and he couldn't keep going through what he had the other night. He'd been scared and in pain and he didn't want a repeat. On the other hand, he needed Tony to know why he hated them because he didn't want to go through that again either. "Do you want to know why I hate shrinks so much?"

Tony nodded solemnly. "Always wondered."

Gibbs sat down in his recliner but didn't lean back and clasped his hands together. Tony sat on the sofa near him. "After I lost my girls, and I was blown up the first time, a shrink came to see me in the hospital. At first, he seemed empathetic, made me feel like he could help me pull my life together and the first few sessions were okay. I didn't really think it was helping, and told him so, but he said it just takes time. He explained the stages of grief and that made sense to me. Over the next few sessions though, his attitude changed. It was like whatever empathy he had disappeared and he pushed me to move on from my grief. At the time, I was going back and forth from anger stage to crying at the bottom of the bottle." Gibbs took a deep breath and relived the memory, his jaw tightening and his voice was on edge. "Last time I went to see him, he was still being pushy and I broke down and lost it, really lost it. I think I was trying to show him that I wasn't ready to just move on, and he…" Gibbs felt his hands shake. "...He just told me that others had lost more than I did and I had a job to do and I needed to suck it up like a good Marine and do my job."

Tony's mouth fell open, and he closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath even as he shook his head.

Gibbs read the anger in Tony's face and it made him feel a little better. "I was so mad that I hit him and once I started, I couldn't stop. We were yelling and it drew attention and it took three men to pull me off of him. There was an investigation. I was charged with assault but after the investigation, the charges were dropped, he got fired, and I refused to talk to another shrink again."

"Psychiatry has come a long way since then, Jethro."

"Maybe, but I was already messed up and he made me worse."

Tony nodded. "The world understands a lot more now than they did then. It's been a long time. Don't you think maybe you could try again? One of the pieces of advice I was given when I decided I couldn't go on without some help was to keep looking until I found a shrink I felt comfortable with. I saw four shrinks before I settled on the one I see now. He's been teaching me self-reliance."

"What?! You're the most self-reliant person I've ever met."

"Yeah, but…" Tony trailed off, shrugging it off.

"No, you are. You've taken care of yourself for a hell of a long time."

"Sort of, but I…" Tony hesitated and huffed. "Never mind, I don't know what I'm trying to say."

"Don't…" Gibbs said. "Don't hold back on me now. You know exactly what it is. Tell me?" Gibbs remembered at the last second to not make it sound like a command.

Tony raised an eyebrow at him. "You just caught yourself, I heard it."

"Don't deflect. Yeah, I did, but I really want to know what's going on in your head."

Tony shifted uncomfortably. "This is embarrassing."

"Can't help you if you don't let me. You've seen me at my lowest. Not going to judge you."

Tony blinked. "I just don't want you to see me as…"

"Weak? Vulnerable? Pathetic?"

Tony blushed.

"Just because you feel that way doesn't mean I see you that way. You're the strongest man I've ever met. There's nothing...nothing you can tell me that will make me change that." It was true and Gibbs hoped when Tony would see that when he met his eyes to read that for himself. It took a few for Tony to actually make eye contact, the insecurity in his eyes, the fear. Gibbs reached out and took his hand and squeezed lightly.

Tony seemed to derive some comfort from the gesture and he squeezed back and didn't let go, even as he spoke. "My relationships with women never worked out because they thought I was too clingy, too needy. Zoe didn't seem to mind it as much. She was really patient with me but by the time she and I started dating, I'd already been seeing my shrink and going to the mens' group and I was more conscious of it. I don't want to be needy and clingy because it makes me feel like shit, and I don't want to make you hate me for it. If you only knew how hard it was to not slip into bad habits because you've been my boss so long, you'd understand."

Gibbs stared at Tony for a long time. He could see Tony struggling with the things he hated, including how much he hated admitting it. "That explains why you've been holding back on me," Gibbs finally said. He stroked Tony's hand with his thumb.

Tony huffed. "Dammit, I hoped you didn't pick up on it."

"I know you! Did you think I didn't know you can be needy? Dammit, Tony, you've been like that as long as I've known you. Did you think I didn't know what I was getting into?"

"Why would you want a guy who can be needy?"

"Because I know what you need because I need what you need."

Tony fell silent, looking shocked.

"You've let me lean on you when I needed to, and you've leaned on me when you've needed to. I know you got insecurities, and that you're messed up. It doesn't change how I feel about you. And I'm not using you as a crutch because I have PTSD. It took me nearly dying on an operating table to open my eyes and see that you were the one I wanted there. And that didn't change just because I survived. Kelly told me I didn't have good days anymore and she wanted to know why and when she asked me that, I had an image of you pop in my head. I wasn't having good days because I wasn't letting you in. I tried to deny it, but I couldn't. It just stared me in the face all the time I was recovering. I finally gave up fighting it. I needed you and hated that you weren't around."

Tony's eyes were big as saucers. "Kelly told you?"

Gibbs let out a huff. "Yeah...I saw her...near death experience, I guess. That's what Cyril said anyway. She told me she wanted me to be happy. I could only think of you when she said that. PTSD or not, I won't change my mind, but I'll be damned if I'm going to tell Ducky that!"

Tony looked puzzled. "Why not?"

Gibbs looked taken aback. "Why should I?"

"Well, you said you didn't want to live the way you did before...so why shut out the people who love you?"

Gibbs was silent. "You think I should tell Ducky I saw Kelly?"

"That's up to you, but I know that he and Abby had both said they would love to know about your wife and daughter. I know Abby has literally thousands of questions about both of them. She wished you'd tell her about them. She wants to know you as you were when you were happy. I would, too."

Gibbs swallowed the lump in his throat but it didn't budge. "It...hurts to talk about them."

"I know, and I don't mean to make it hurt worse by talking about them, but I thought you should know that we all wish you'd talk about them. None of us think it's right that you never speak of them, but we don't want to open old wounds for you either, which is why we have never pushed you. I think you telling Ducky about Kelly wanting you to have good days again and that you pictured me, maybe that would help him see things in a new light."

"He'll just think I'm crazy. He already thinks I am."

Tony looked doubtful. "I don't think he'll think you're crazy. It's well known that when people die and come back, they've seen loved ones. What you described doesn't seem all that unusual. I just thought maybe us seeing shrinks even though we stay together is a fair compromise. We're not backing down about being together, but we are acknowledging his concerns."

"Am I going to lose you if I don't agree to this?"

"No. I see a shrink anyway, usually once a month, but I was thinking of asking if he could see more often, at least for a little while."

Gibbs nodded. "Cyril knows someone he wants me to see. Thinks she and I will get along, and that she can help me."

"Might be worth considering."

Gibbs didn't answer. Deep down, he knew he should talk to someone, but bitterness of his last experience with a shrink he'd tried to let in made it difficult. He'd been able to get around the NCIS shrinks when he had to see them partly because he knew they were only there to cover the agency's ass should anyone go off the rails, and partly because he knew how to manipulate the system. Every single one of them had been willing and ready to help him and he had continuously rebuffed them, often rudely, at that.

He sighed. Could he really deny Tony anything he wanted, even if it was the last thing he wanted to do?

"Okay."

"Really?"

"Yeah." Gibbs took a deep breath. "Other night really scared me. Don't want to go through that again." Gibbs paused and then added, "And I'll think about telling Ducky about Kelly."

Tony stood up and pulled him to his feet and hugged him and Gibbs hugged him back. God, that felt so good. He forgot how much he missed being hugged. Tony felt strong and firm and he let himself relax. It was nice not always having to be the strong one, but he knew there would be times Tony needed him to be. After a moment, Tony released him.

"This means a lot, Jethro."

"I know. Ducky made some good points, just still hurt."

"What were his good points?"

"I treated you like shit more often than I didn't. I won't insult you by saying I didn't mean to, we both know I did mean it. I won't make any excuses for why. I was a bastard because I wanted to be, plain and simple. I had a lot of months of sitting around not able to do anything except sleep and think. Being forced to be idle like that was an eye opener. I have a lot of bad habits to break, and I'm probably going to need help to break them."

"Okay...but I don't want you to change everything."

"I won't. I'm still going to be a bastard, just maybe less of one or not one at all to those I care about...like you, Abby, Ducky, Tim, Taft, For-no, I'm going to be a bastard to Fornell. He likes it."

Tony laughed. "He wouldn't recognize you if you weren't."

Gibbs thought for a moment. "Yeah." Gibbs noticed then that Tony wasn't really looking at him and he could see Tony still felt off, maybe uncertain. He hated that look on his face. It was also then he noted that Tony had backed away. There was way too much space between them all of a sudden.

Gibbs stepped up to Tony and reached out to put an arm around him and pull him closer. "Look at me, Anthony."

Tony looked up at him and met his gaze and Gibbs took a moment to read him. "What are you afraid of?"

Tony's shoulders slumped at hearing the question. "Still afraid when you find out all the things I've kept behind the mask you're going to not want anything to do with me."

"The clingy thing?"

Tony raised his eyes to the ceiling. "I wish I'd kept my mouth shut. It's embarrassing to hear the word out loud. Sounds girly."

Gibbs rolled his eyes. "You're not girly."

"Feels it when I get like that."

Gibbs made a sound of frustration. "Just stop it," he ordered. "You're making way more out of this than there is. I don't think you're girly. I don't think you're weak. I don't think you're as needy and clingy as you think you are and so what if you have moments when you are? So do I, or hadn't you noticed?"

"I noticed...Uh...is it weird that I kinda like it?"

"Yeah?"

"You have rarely let yourself lean on anyone and the times you leaned on me, even if it was just a little, it made me feel good that you trusted me enough to do that."

"I do trust you enough to lean on you. But you need to know you can lean on me too and I'm not going to think worse of you for it. We all need someone sometime. We have 16 years of depending on each other in intense life and death situations. If I can't trust you, who can I trust? If I can't let my guard down with you, who can I let it down with? I trust you! You can let your guard down and I'll do my best to be strong when you need me to be and you've always been strong for me...but you don't always have to be if you can't be. I get it."

Tony visibly shuddered and it was several seconds before he spoke. "I've never let my guard down."

"I know...and I want you to get to the point where you can let it down with me. I know you're lonely deep down inside, but you're not alone anymore. You're not going to let your guard down overnight, but I want you to, and to trust that I'll protect your squishy insides."

Tony just looked up, startled. "Did you just say squishy?"

Gibbs grinned. "Yeah."

"I am NOT squishy."

"Yeah, you are. It's okay. So am I."

Tony shook his head and then he laughed. "Jethro, you can never say that out loud ever again."

"Why?"

"It'll ruin our reputations."

"Squishy, squishy, squishy."

"Gah! Shut up!"

"Squish squish squish." Gibbs made a funny face as he said it, and then it morphed into a grin. It felt so good to let out a little of his humor. He knew a lot of it was from being around Kelly, but he didn't care.

Tony laughed, it seemed to bubble up from deep inside and Gibbs smiled wider, he couldn't help it.

"I forget how playful you can be," Tony said.

"I'm a little rusty at it but yeah."

"It really doesn't bother you that I feel...like that?"

"No. Does it bother you that I feel like that sometimes?"

Tony emphatically shook his head no. "Just...never admitted it before."

"Kuwait was long, lonely and hot. It was like being in hell, or what I imagined it to be. When I was finally able to go on leave and come home, I couldn't keep my hands off Shannon. And it wasn't so much about sex, just needed to touch and be touched. Couldn't get enough. Our careers...we've been fighting a war our entire careers, even if the enemy kept changing from case to case, terrorist to terrorist. Most of that time has been without touch more than it has been with. I need that. Does that make me needy or clingy?"

Tony was so stunned that he couldn't respond. His mouth worked like he was trying to but there were no words. Gibbs blinked as he waited, wondering if he'd gone too far.

Later, Gibbs wouldn't be able to say for certain if he finished the blink before he was pulled into a deep kiss. He opened himself up to it, welcomed Tony's tongue and kissed him back. Gibbs' hands went to Tony's back and under his shirt. Tony made a noise as he ran his hands through Gibbs' hair.

Finally, Tony gasped for air as he withdrew. "Bed, now."

Tony barely paused to check the door to make sure it was locked before he and Gibbs went into the bedroom. Tony pulled Gibbs' shirt off and Gibbs reached for Tony's. They laughed and each pulled off the rest of their own clothes.

"Lay down," Tony whispered. Gibbs obeyed, and he never took his eyes off Tony. As soon as he got comfortable, Tony climbed over him and except for adjusting so he wouldn't crush him, Gibbs found himself blanketed by Tony. Tony leaned down and kissed him again, softer this time. "You want to know the truth?" Tony whispered.

Gibbs nodded solemnly. Tony looked so intense it took his breath away. He wasn't sure he could've spoken if he wanted to. Tony leaned in and kissed him lightly before he spoke. "I crave skin-on-skin like air. Haven't had enough of this, will never have enough of it. Sex...is good. I like it, not going to say no, but I need touch, sexual or not." Tony looked in Gibbs' eyes and waited.

Gibbs saw the need for approval in his eyes, to know that what he'd just said was okay. He'd seen that look many times through their long partnership. He lifted his hand and stroked Tony's cheek. "Me too, but I gotta be honest...I've never had enough sex."

Tony laughed. "Me neither. Was always curious exactly how much would be enough."

Gibbs chuckled. "We will...but I'm not a young man anymore. Sometimes, I'll have to be content with just touch."

Tony smiled softly and sighed. "Yeah, me too. It sucks getting older. We don't always have to have sex though I like it with you...a lot more than I thought I would." He leaned in and kissed Gibbs again.

"Me too." Gibbs thought for a moment. "I hope it's always as intense."

Tony opened his mouth to speak, then closed it, and he closed his eyes for a moment and reopened them. "Me too. Never come so hard in my life except the times with you."

Gibbs smiled. "Same," he whispered and pulled Tony down for a kiss and stroked up and down his back. They kissed for what felt like hours, losing themselves in it, finally stopping when Tony realized he was thirsty.

They got up and went to the kitchen and poured glasses of water and drank them. Gibbs refilled his water bottle and refilled their glasses. They sipped at them until they were gone and Tony filled a water bottle for himself. They took turns hitting the head before they went back to bed. As soon as Gibbs laid down, Tony resumed his position and kissed him again. Tony's mouth was cold from the water but Gibbs knew his was too and that they'd warm up. Then, Gibbs rolled Tony over and laid on him. Tony smiled at him.

"Always thought it was sex I craved but maybe it is intimacy."

"Probably both."

Tony smiled. "Yeah."

Tony stroked his skin and Gibbs lost himself in the feel of fingertips, lips, and tongue on skin. After a while, he couldn't tell where he ended and Tony began and he didn't care. As he found Tony's hot spot on his neck, Tony whimpered and thrust, their cocks brushing against each other. Tony ground against him. "Just like that. Yeah," Tony breathed as Gibbs ground against him. The friction between them was delicious and Gibbs listened to Tony breathe hard and savored the sound of the gasping whimper Tony made as he squeezed his ass hard as he came, causing Gibbs to thrust involuntarily and then he was coming as the pressure and the slickness between them was all Gibbs could take. They lay there together, breathing hard as they recovered.

When Gibbs could open his eyes, he was lying on his back again and had no idea when they rolled back over. Tony was watching him, smiling softly. Gibbs reached up and slightly stroked Tony's face with the back of his fingers. Tony leaned into the touch.

"I wish we could shower together." Tony said. "When we move, I want a big walk-in shower, big enough for two, and a bathtub that fits two."

Gibbs laughed. "Don't want much, do you?"

"Not that much...unless...you're not into shared showers?"

Gibbs grinned. "So many things I want to do with you in the shower."

Tony breathed upward to cool his sweaty forehead. "Okay, we're seriously going to have the big walk-in shower. But for now...you want to go first?"

"Go ahead. Leave the water running, will just switch places when you're done."

As Gibbs showered he realized he felt really good physically and calmer emotionally. He was still a little upset by Abby's reaction, but he couldn't do anything about that so he let it go for now. As he watched Tony brush his teeth, he smiled a little. He reached out and ran his hand over Tony's back and Tony looked over with a mouthful of toothpaste and grinned. Tony didn't seem to be letting it bother him too much right now, and Gibbs figured he needed their intimacy as much as he did. Tony rinsed his mouth and splashed his face and Gibbs could see the rest of their lives in that moment. More of the ordinary sameness, but with underlying intimacy that they both needed. Ducky's and Abby's doubts about them felt washed away. He didn't doubt. Tony didn't seem to doubt. The hard part would be for Tony not letting Abby's and Ducky's opinions get to him. He knew Tony struggled with what people thought of him. It was why he'd spent so long hiding behind masks. Tony's masks were falling away, and he loved it.

"You're thinking too loud," Tony said, breaking his reverie.

"Yeah."

"What's on your mind?"

"Your masks are falling away."

Tony shifted uncomfortably. "Don't need them around you. And...it's...well, they've been hard to maintain for a while anyway. No one seems to mind."

"If they did mind, you don't need them anyway."

"Yeah, I know. 'Come on, let's go to bed. You wore me out."

Gibbs snorted. "No stamina."

"Right, says the man who looks like he's going to fall over from exhaustion."

Gibbs could admit he was tired so he didn't rebut the statement. When Tony wrapped his arm around his waist after they got in bed, Gibbs smiled, the last thing he remembered was Tony softly kissing his neck.