Greetings my fellow homo sapiens! (Tell that to a sixth grader and watch them flip out about how they're not gay. Seriously, it's the funniest thing next to funny cat videos)
REVIEW and SHARE this story! I want as many people as possible to know the truth behind depression and know how to bring that person, or even yourself, out of the struggle that almost every person on Earth experiences. I'm not going to have you guys tell me whom has been going through this struggle, because that is a violation of anybody's privacy, and not even a Health teacher has the right to blackmail you for your personal information or else you would receive a bad grade. It is direly important that a person showing the signs that Ally has been is treated immediately, because no case, no matter how small or dynamic, deserves to be left unattended.
If you know of someone that deals with any mental health issues, assure them about how they don't deserve to be left in the dark. They're convinced that they are, but it's not the truth, and it's NEVER the truth.
If they don't believe you, then show them this story, because I've used information that I've gathered from friends and family about how they've dealt with these struggles, and how they were brought out of it. They all now live happy lives, but they still have the scars from their once broken hearts. The said person who struggles is very stubborn, and will be until they receive treatment, so it's best if they listen to a person who has or is going through depression.
Okay, that's enough for the Author's note, now onto the story!
Ally's POV:
"I c-can't eat anym-more, it h-hurts!"
I was sitting in the cafeteria, my food half-eaten, and Ms. Letneo was screaming at me to eat more. She had told me previously to start eating again, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to get even more fat.
"Child," she bellowed, "I'm getting real tired of you not eating. Now, you're gonna suck up the tears and EAT."
It had been sixty-two days since I was admitted, and I've been beginning to miss my family even more with each passing day.
Adam's allowed to visit me, but that's only because he's my legal guardian. I'm allowed a five-minute phone call to home every night, and that truly is the best gift I could ever have. Nothing brings a smile to my face than Alex telling me that he loves me whenever he gets a turn on the phone. Sometime's Austin's there, but at other times, he's doing homework or at football practice. I really miss him, but Adam always tells me how much he cares about me. Sometimes, words just aren't enough. I feel like I need physical proof that he does have some sort of affection for me.
Ms. Letneo grasped my jaw firmly in her hands and pried it open, shoving the spoonful of applesauce into my mouth. I turned my head away from what seemed like poisonous food, but she still got it in my mouth, and it even smeared across my lips, cheeks, and chin.
I grew into a hysterical mode. This was my breaking point. My fists flailed uncontrollably against Ms. Letneo, trying my best to push her away from me, but she was still stronger. I was screaming at her to get away from me and leave me alone, but that only caused more nurses to come rushing towards me.
As more and more hands held me down, I felt a light prick of pain in my upper arm, then I grew weaker and weaker. My eyes fluttered slowly until they were shut and my thrashes were ceasing to exist any longer. My voice soon drowned out of power, and I fell limp, falling out of the backless chair and onto the tile.
"Now," the musical therapist said to us girls, guitar in hand, "we're going to rewrite Bethany Dillon's 'I Believe in You'."
We were all sitting in the cafeteria, some of us had little, styrofoam cups of soft ice. Cassidy had just left the day before, and today was supposed to be the day I was getting my new roommate.
I now knew why Cassidy is so excited. We easily became sisters, along with the rest of the female patients, and I couldn't wait to finally have another close friend.
Just the thought of developing a bond with someone in such a short period of time is incredible. I haven't had one in years, and suddenly my whole world is finally coming right-side-up.
"Dawson," the therapist said, causing my attention to turn over to her, "Did you hear me?" Her eyes held a stern look that would've made me shrink down, but Cassidy has helped me find my backbone. She taught me that you're supposed to speak your mind here and that you shouldn't hide anything. Besides, everything was kept private; what is said in the room, stays in the room.
I'm so glad that I can finally talk to people without them belittling me, because they're going through the exact same thing I am. Is this what it's like to trust someone?
"Dawson, I'm not going to repeat myself. Did you, or did you not, hear me?"
I looked up at the therapist with a blank expression.
"No," I said, knowing that they wouldn't scream at me because I was following their rule: always be honest.
She adjusted the guitar by propping it on her knee. "Well," she said, exasperated, "since you're so confident, you get to write the first verse." She meant to shrink me down and make sure that I wouldn't turn arrogant, because everybody knew that I started out as a weakling, but I've grown a backbone over the past couple of weeks.
The music she gave me to follow was absolutely beautiful, and it gave me just the right image to picture in my mind. She began to play the original song, to refresh my memory of the melody.
"When there's nothing to believe in
I believe in you
Forget the past and let my hand
In yours be the proof
Though the strong could be my company
You're the one I choose
So remember, I believe in you
I know it feels like every eye is watching you
Waiting for you to fall, expecting you to lose
But I see victory, so all you have to do
Is remember, I believe in you
I believe, even when I see you crying
I believe, let me dream for you
When nothing comes from trying
Remember, I believe in you
There will come a day when love will lift you out of here
There will come a day when love will bring the truth
There will come a day when love will free you from your fear
And you'll remember, I believe in you
I believe, even when I see you crying
I believe, let me dream for you
When nothing comes from trying
Remember, I believe in you"
The original lyrics had a steady rhythm, so it was easy to follow.
"You're up Dawson," she told me.
I took a deep breath, and began to let the music take control of me.
"When the days are cold the sky is gray
We forget to let go of yesterday
Nothing is the same, that is the truth
And a hand becomes hard to hold
And it's always been that way
So help me, God,
Help me believe in you
Is there a chance that I will make it out alive
Is there someone who will lift me high
Can you help me, God, help me believe in you
Can you help me, God, help me believe in you
Is there a light, in the shadow that I'm living in
Is there hope, when I've drowned in my sins
So help me, God,
Help me believe in you
So help me, God,
Help me believe in you
Once upon a time I never knew myself
Once upon a time I couldn't believe
Once upon a time I'd never thought I'd live
Once upon a time I never knew I'd be free
Is there a light, in the shadow that I'm living in
Is there hope, when I've drowned in my sins
So help me, God,
Help me believe in you
So help me, God,
Help me believe in you
Is there a light, in the shadow that I'm living in
Is there hope, when I've drowned in my sins
So help me, God,
Help me believe in you
So help me, God,
Help me believe in you"
Everybody stared at me, mouth agape and eyes that never seemed to move.
"Um…" the therapist said, shaking her head while looking at the floor. She collected her notes for today's session and gathered them together in a neat little pile. "Good job, Ally," she muttered.
She then turned to the rest of the group and clasped her hands together. "Okay, I think that's enough for today."
Tilly, my new roommate, spoke up. "You know, when you clasp your hands together and lock your fingers, it means you're closed off," she said.
Really? Well, that does explain a lot.
I clasped my hands together, now having a whole new perspective to the simple gesture.
Over the past few weeks I've been here, I've learned a lot: when you're going through depression, you have the ability to practically see everyone's thoughts, 15 adolescents die of suicide every day, 1 in 4 people have been diagnosed with some sort of depression, there's no better way to cope with negativity than to talk about it with someone, and there's no way to bond with people quicker than knowing that they're going through the same thing as you.
"My God, Ally. I swear, if I have to slap you one more time―"
I sat up, ignoring the head rush that was coming on. I had learned this skill during my first couple of weeks. I grabbed Tilly's hand that was raised, palm facing me.
"You slap me, and I swear to God, you'll have hair the same color as your blood." I looked her dead in the eye and knew that my pills weren't really serving their purpose. The birth control they gave me that was supposed to stop my period, but it just intensified it four times, so it sent my hormones everywhere. The Prozac they gave me weird cravings and apparently I was anemic, so they gave me an iron supplement, which tears up my stomach.
Geez, it's like I'm pregnant or something.
Tilly shook my hand off her wrist and twirled it around lazily, trying to get rid of the impressions my fingers made. "You know," she said, "for a girl that's, like, fifteen pounds underweight, you have a hard grip."
Silence fell among us, and it suddenly turned into an uncontrollable fit of giggles.
All of a sudden, we heard the familiar sound of the lock being unlocked. Tilly jumped off of my bed quickly and laid down on hers.
Ms. Letneo walked in, clipboard in hand.
"Rise and shine, Ladies," she said unhappily. "What were you two doing up so early?"
Wait…it's morning?
I looked over at the sealed window and noticed that it was still fairly dark outside.
Tilly cleared her throat. "Ally was sleep-talking about her boyfriend again and she just wouldn't shut up about it! So, I yelled at her until she woke up."
Ms. Letneo gave us a suspicious, unconvinced look. "Well, don't do it again," she said, then grabbed her pen and clicked the green cap. Her reading glasses fell down her nose until they were at the tip. "Ally, one to ten, ten being the worst, how are you feeling?"
I was asked this question every morning, as goes for every other patient. You're asked about your step work(how much drugs you've been given so far) and how you're feeling. One means that you're at the top of the world, ten means you're trying to kill yourself. When I first got here, my emotion number was always nine, and sometimes eight. Now, it's a four or a three.
Ms. Letneo wrote down my numbers, then asked Tilly the same questions.
Tilly was in here for anger, depression, and suicide attempt. She's the craziest person I've ever met, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
"Ally," Ms. Letneo told me, "you'd might start packing your stuff." That confused me. Was I moving upstairs? No, not upstairs upstairs. I'm not dying. Upstairs is where the more severe patients. If Tilly was tested positive for schizophrenia, then she would move there.
Right as Ms. Letneo turned around and started walking down the hall, I called out her name, asking what she meant by that.
"Where am I going?" I asked her.
She looked at me weirdly. "You're discharging is after breakfast."
I…I was leaving? Oh my God, I get to go home! I get to see Adam, Alex, Joyce…
…and Austin.
Who-who cares if the last time we saw each other that we almost kissed? I know we both wanted it, and Austin would always write to me, but I couldn't write back. The only writing utensil I had were crayons that Joyce bought me, along with a coloring book about Disney Princesses.
"Ms. Dawson, I suggest that if you want someone to stick around you, then quit spacing out after every sentence."
Apologizing, I jumped out of bed, not feeling a head rush as I began folding my clean and dirty clothes. They have a washer and dryer here, so we're allowed to use it every so often, but we have to be assigned a time.
I was handed my filled suitcase by Mr. Mint, one of the male nurses monitoring all the patients here. His real last name is Jackson, but he always is eating Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream, so we gave him that nick name. He kind of looks like Morgan Freeman, but he has a rounder head and less hair. But he does have a golden voice.
I took a deep breath in front of the same doors that welcomed me to my second home. I've been through here when us patients go to school, to the gym, or to Friday's game night.
I turned around, looked at everybody who was watching me.
Kira and I started to find a healthy weight, and now we're only about ten pounds underweight each.
I remember when we were playing the Mutual game. It's were we see how much we have in common with each other. Kira played the lead, and said that she thought she was fat, so the people who had the mutual feature or feeling would stand up and walk around in a circle until someone was butted out of the group, then the process would start all over again.
Anyways, some other girls and I stood up, but then Ms. Letneo stopped us. Once all the other girls saw that I stood up, they told me to sit my skinny self down. I didn't believe them, because I thought that I was fat, and I had convinced myself that every bone that I saw, poking through my skin, wasn't enough.
I still have my insecurities, but I'm starting to believe the numbers.
Tilly had a sad smile on her face. I had been her first real friend in a long time, and vice versa. She had come off as this closed off person with a ton of anger, but she was really sweet once you got to know her.
Demi finally stepped up to her mom about how she's been mistreated. Demi may have cursed out her mom, but she said that she had never felt more relief in her life.
Brooke has been the nicest person to me. She says things like how I look pretty in a top or how I was severely underweight.
Well…this is it.
Waving one last time, I turned around and was led out by the same police officer that escorted me here. He said that he would protect me, but this is the first time I've seen him since when I was admitted.
The doors opened, and I saw Adam and Joyce.
This was the first time I've seen Joyce since I was admitted, because since she's not my legal guardian, she couldn't visit me when they were allowed to during the weekdays.
I wonder how her and Adam were doing. The last time I saw them together, they were at each others' throats.
I wonder how much things have changed.
I'm scared to go back to school, because I don't know what's going to happen there. Here, where all the patients are in the same class, it's so much more fun. I distinctly remember trying not to laugh when someone at my real school made a joke, so maybe it'll be somewhat better.
But I'm still going to have to deal with everyone whom made fun of me. I'm going to have to deal with their crude remarks, but I've learned to just say a witty comment right back and make sure to let them hear me.
I'm not the same girl that they pushed down. I'm not going to be crying on the bathroom floor, razor in my hand. I'm not going to believe the lies that they've told me. I'm going to stand up and make a difference.
The car ride on the way home was silent. I was going to miss the hospital more than everything, and the tear that slid down my cheek proved that.
Right as we got in the car, my legs criss-crossed, the exact same position I would be in whenever I would be sitting in the big, blue chairs that were apparently filled with sand. It's become an instinct.
The radio was turned off and Joyce and Adam kept on looking at each other. At one point, he reached over and grabbed her hand. I smiled. They were okay again! But…but what if they weren't? What if they're just putting up a façade that they're happy?
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I squeezed my eyes shut and decided to break the unbearable silence. "How's Alex doing?" My voice was quiet, but you could still hear it clearly.
Alex was the reasons I cried my first tears at the hospital. I felt so horrific for leaving him alone, having to soak in the news that I was in a mental hospital. Whenever Adam would visit, I would always ask him about how Alex was and how he was dealing with school. And for some odd reason, Alex seemed more shut off and arrogant than before. He thinks it's because of me being in the hospital, but I think it's something else.
When I dropped Alex off at school the morning I went back to school, he seemed like he was understanding, and even though he knew only so little, he said all the things that filled my heart with the near-extinct hope.
Something's not right.
Once we pulled in the parking lot for our apartment, Adam and Joyce seemed a little antsy. Joyce kept on wiping her sweaty hands on her jeans and Adam took deep breaths every now and then.
Maybe it's because I was facing the same place I tried to take my own life. Maybe it's because I haven't been home in two months. Maybe it's because Alex is having a hard time coping with this. Maybe it's because I'll be facing Austin soon.
Speaking of, what happened with those two after I left? The last time Adam nearly choked Austin to death.
Oh my God, what if Adam killed Austin? No, he didn't do that. If that was the case, than Adam would be in jail.
But what if Austin's hurt?
Making our way up the first staircase, I realized how much easier it was than before, because I was severely anorexic and severely anemic back then, so my strength completely diminished. I still am anemic and I'm recovering from the anorexia, but I'm getting better.
We made our way down the hall. My nerves got the best of me and my palms began to sweat. I had this weird feeling inside my stomach and I could feel another lump in my throat forming.
I pushed the negative thoughts aside and began to calm myself as I stood in front of the door. Those same, three, gold numbers glistened in the morning sun and the green paint had a few more chips than I remembered.
"Ready?" Adam asked me sweetly. I nodded slightly, looking up at him.
Joyce grabbed my hand and laced our fingers together. When I looked at her, she gave me a nod that encouraged me to take a leap of faith.
The door slowly opened, and my eyes closed as I took yet another deep breath. Was it going to be the same as I left it? Whom was going to be here?
"Welcome back, Alls," Adam said softly, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and leading me inside. My eyes then decided to open themselves, and I couldn't believe my eyes.
Colorful balloons and colorful streamers were decorated across the tiny room. There was a 'WELCOME BACK' sign that was the first thing you saw.
But the thing was, it was still being hung up.
Two boys, one about six feet tall, held a smaller boy on his shoulders as the smaller boy reached as high as he could to pin the thumbtack that held the banner together.
I recognized them immediately, and my hand flew to my mouth as my eyes began to water.
They were here.
Adam cleared his throat, causing the Austin to pivot on his feet, Alex still holding onto his head. Austin was holding Alex in place so he didn't fall.
"Ally!" They both cheered, bright smiles inevitable on their faces. I smiled shyly. Austin set Alex down gently, then the two of them raced towards me.
Alex wrapped his arms around my hips and his head rested on my stomach. There was nothing greater than feeling the unconditional that someone so small could give. I've missed him more than anyone, really.
Austin waited impatiently for his turn, and once Alex let go of me, Austin stepped towards me, wrapped his arms around me tightly, and began spinning me around.
I laughed happily, my hands circling around his neck and resting my head on his collarbone. I sniffed in the scent of his cologne and decided that it was something so beautiful, I wanted to wake up to that smell someday.
After Austin set me down, I felt my shirt warm up in this one particular spot, then it turned cold, due to the newfound moisture.
He…he was crying…
I know that it's happened before, and I know that it's because of me, but it still shocks me that he cares so much, no matter what my mind was telling me, which was that he was fake crying and that I shouldn't get attached to someone who's going to break my heart.
At least someone would be there to break my heart.
My eyes fluttered shut once again as I listened to Austin's steady heartbeat. The world around me diminished and I felt like I finally spread my wings.
Faintly, I heard Joyce tell Adam and Alex that they should give us a minute. Alex complained, but never less, he walked away to his bedroom.
I pulled away from Austin, taking his tear-stained face in my hands, and looked him deeply in his striking, hazel eyes.
He looked down shyly and smiled, feeling pathetic once again for breaking down in front of me, but I actually thought it was the most reassuring thing in the world.
He looked back up, leaned in to where our noses brushed against each others'…
…and he crashed his lips onto mine, hungrily, passionately, urgently.
I was shocked at first, my eyes snapping open, but then I soon relaxed in to his loving embrace and soft, soft lips.
Our lips moved together in synchronization. We tilted our heads to kiss each other even more deeply.
Austin dipped me slightly, his arm holding me steady, and the lip-on-lip contact began to grow breathless.
He pulled away, and we both smiled lightly.
"You're home," he whispered, pecking my lips once more.
"I'm home," I confirmed sweetly, a smile spreading across my face.
We were so caught up in the moment, we didn't even notice when Alex walked into the room, jaw dropped and an unfathomable look painted on his baby face.
"That's what kissing looks like?! Geez, that's disgusting!"
Yeah, yeah, I know, you guys love me more than anything right now. I know, I'm awesome, but please, feel free to tell me :).
AUSLLY IS HERE BABY. AUSLLY. AUSLLY. AUSLLY.
Did I mention AUSLLY?
Oh, and by the way, I wrote the second song. Well, I wrote the lyrics. Cone on guys, don't give me that much credit...
Review responses:
ausllylover2345- It's a gift :)
doctorwhoharrypotter55- I know, but my main purpose with this story is to shock some people into reality and make them realize that this really does happen, and there really is a happy ending for everyone.
Lover-Bug- We're almost done with that!
Trying2StayHopeful- No! Don't tear up your bunny poster! They're so cute and they're so adorable!
XausllyXRauraXForeverX- Right after you reviewed, I went straight to YouTube. I WAS FANGIRLING. AUSLLY HAD A HEATED KISS. IT'S THE PERFECT SCENARIO.
Star Mika- Honey, I don't really know what you're saying…
Stuck-between-a-melody- And as you can tell, I LOVE your stories and it's such an honor to have you love mine!
R5Auslly- Why thank you :). And nice pic of Ross as your profile picture :)
Question: Something that just always has to be a certain way? When I type, the font is always Times New Roman and the size is always 12.
That One Moment: When you turn in an assignment, then the teacher explains a problem that you didn't understand, and you don't feel like getting up and getting your paper, so you just hope that he/she won't count it against you.
Quote By Me: "You haven't lost until you've given up."
UNTIL I UPDATE.
BYE.
(PS: AUSSSSSSLLLLLLYYYYYY)
That is all.